Angry Birds are Evil

So, I used to be a big Angry Birds fan. I have way too much merch, and countless fond memories of those birds.

I was looking through my attic, and found my old copy of Angry Birds Breakfast 2. I had nothing better to do, so I popped it into my computer and booted the game up.

Immediately, things seemed wrong with the game. It started with a cutscene of the birds eating omelettes, in a barbaric manner, feasting down upon them. Just shoveling them down their beaks.

The cutscene kept looping, and I couldn't get to the title screen. I turned the game on and off, and it fixed itself, as if nothing went wrong. I was a bit disturbed, but figured the disc had just been scratched in a strange way. After I finished the short game, I went to take a nap, and found myself in a strange dream. I was sitting at a table in my kitchen, and I couldn't move. I could look around, though, and at the counter, was a hyper-realistic version of Matilda from the Angry Birds movie. She was not the one I knew, however. She was wearing a butcher's apron. Worse was that she had red stains over her. But worst of all, she lacked eyes.

She walked over to me, holding a plate of something. She put it down in front of me, and it was a strange mess of red and yellow. "What is this?" I heard myself ask, in a frightened tone.

"It's an omelette, dear," she said back. I suddenly began to hear the sounds of birds tweeting, and chirping, in a mad manner, the sounds of which slowly transitioned to those of a baby crying. I was repelled by the disgusting mixture on my plate, but I could not control myself. I unwillingly put some on my fork, put it up to my mouth, and began to chew.

I woke up, in a cold sweat. I desperately needed to get my mind onto something else, so I booted up my copy of Angry Birds Space and began playing. I opened the first level, and I only had one Red bird, but there was also only one pig. I took aim, and launched my bird. It went in a perfect trajectory, as it went straight towards the pig. But right before the bird hit the pig, the game froze, and cut to a black screen. Then Red faded into view, along with the text: "Rovio deleted these games for a reason."

I was so shocked by this, that I passed out, and found myself in another strange dream. I was lost, floating through space. It was cold, but I could breathe. While the earth, moon, and sun were all distant, near to me, I could see a gigantic version of the Ice Bird. And inside of the ice, I could faintly see a skeleton.

I woke up yet again, and vowed to never play an Angry Birds game again. Over the past few hours, they had caused me too much horror. That was a few months ago, but ever since then, I've felt... something growing inside of me. My stomach rounded, as I was able to hear a faint chirping at night. But I know it's here to do evil. That's why I'm writing this note here, at this cliff. I plan to slingshoot myself off of here, to kill the evil bird inside me once and for all. It must be done. Thank you for reading my last words. Goodbye.

-Howard

(Beneath the name and off to the right, there is a stain of bird feces.)

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