Firebrando Takes Over the World and Kills Everyone (BurningTorrent's 1 Year Anniversary on TPW Special)

Part 1: Planes, Teleportation and Proxies

File:Firebrandoourlordandsaviour.gif

Yolo

Hello, my name is BurningTorrent I’m a special snowflake who is part human, part demon and part troll. Ok, you know what, fuck introductions. I’m getting straight to the fucking story this time. No more bs.

Ah… August 31^st 2015 (Well almost anyway). It’s been one year since I joined this godforsaken website, and already my life has started to go downhill. Procrastinating on the massive pile of homework I have to write some shitty Trollpasta instead, having to pause a show because it gives me ideas for a Trollpasta, having about 50 million unfinished Trollpastas on my computer that all have good premises, but I have 0% motivation to write them because I’m either watching Marble Hornets (or SOG, or Rick and Morty, or some other random shit) or I simply can’t be arsed.

My life is filled with many joys and much excitement as you can see. One of the many exciting things to happen to me this holiday was this. In which me and my friend got bombarded with a bunch of NSFW anons about Dirk Strider and a bunch of chocolate being put on nipples. So far, this is the only exciting thing to happen during the holiday.

I let out a sigh after typing those last few paragraphs, and promptly shut my laptop and go to bed. Writing these things is much more effort than it’s worth. I’m writing these things and rotting away whilst doing so. I’m not even sure why I bother.

I pull the covers up, and doze off, only to be awoken a few minutes later by copious amounts of noise coming from upstairs.

“Oh for fuck’s sake!” I angrily mumble to myself, getting out of bed to check what the source of the noise was.

I walk upstairs (upside down house.) to see Jussiu and Allini (both OCs from Hamstuk Fenfec), The Observer, HABIT, Jay, Tim, and Alex all standing in the middle of the living room.

“Look, I know I have an affinity for opening up time-space rips to this world, but this is ridiculous.” I say to everyone standing in the middle of the room.

“We don’t wanna cause any shit. We’re here mainly for fan service, but there’s another reason we’re here as well.” HABIT paused. “Firebrand has gone missing. And you’re the only one who can help us.”

“Nope, not doing it.” I walk back down the stairs and the story ends. (Lol jk.)

“Look m9, we need to find him or he’s going to kill everyone.” Jussiu says. Why is he even here anyway?

“Fine. But you owe me a free KFC after this.”

“Ok.” They say as we are teleported to some weird pocket dimension.

Meanwhile… (OMINOUS MUSIC.)

“Firebrand. Have you got the dank good shit?” A mysterious figure says.

“Why yes, I have.” Firebrand gets a briefcase and opens it, revealing about 50 fleshlights.

“Aww yeh dats sum gud shit, gut shit rite dere.” The figure walks into the dim light of Whateverthefuck Castle and is revealed to be Dio Brando. (If you haven’t figured out why the title has Firebrando in it instead of just Firebrand yet, give yourself some time.)

Now back with the crew.

“So, how do you suppose we should find him?” I ask everyone in the room.

“Well, we can’t ask Slendy because he’s too done with this shit. He walks out like every fucking day. He’s still going through his rebellious phase. He’s left the collective like 1000 times already.” The Observer says.

“What about Noah? Do you think he could have some sort of weird ability that could help us to find where the bastard is?”

“Omg we didn’t think of that! Well done Captain Obvious!” Well, it wouldn’t have been the first thing I’d have thought of, but then again, Allini IS emo, transgender, troll Justin Beiber, so who knows how she thinks?

“Alright guys, stop with the banter. I have an idea as to where he could be.” Tim suddenly interrupted the conversation.

“Oh yeah? And where would that be?” Jay questioned Tim.

“In YO MOM!” Oh my fucking God, did he really just drop that diss on us, I really can’t believe that people still find that offensive omfg.

“OH MASKY, SHOW ME YOUR WAYS!” Jay said ironically.

“Guys, this is serious I’m fucked in a lot of ways if we don’t get something done about this. I don’t want to have to confront ‘the tentacles’ ever again, you got that?” The Observer yelled.

“I WANT TO RIDE THE TENTACLES.” NOPE. DOOM THE TIMELINE; I’M DONE AS FUCK WITH THIS SHIT, NOPE, NOPE, NOPE.

“Alex, stop.” Jay responded.

“No.” Play every single MLG sound effect you can think of here.

“WILL MY TORMENT NEVER END?” The Observer raged.

This went on for over fifteen minutes before anyone actually suggestedwhat we could do about the current situation.

“Wait. Why don’t we wait for Firebrand to go to Noah and ambush him then?” I suggest.

“Alright, we’ll do that, it’s the only good suggestion we’ve had so far.” HABIT replied.

“Yeah ok then.” The Observer agreed.

A convenient space-time rift opens and we all jump in. We find ourselves outside of Noah’s house.

“Everyone shut the fuck up and don’t make a sound.” I whisper, stepping on a twig in the process.

“HERE COMES THE SON!” The Observer kind of shout whispers. I don’t know the word if there is one, and fuck if I’m searching it up.

“Shut the fuck up!” HABIT mumbles hatefully.

Firebrand walks over to Noah’s house as we all watch from the bushes.

“Get ready to fuckin go.” Jussiu murmurs.

“We’re going on a mission, start the countdown.” I sing.

“5, 4, 3, 2, 1 GO!” Allini chimes in and we run from the bushes and go into Mr Maxwell’s house.

We storm the house, and find Firebrand putting more fortune cookies in all the rooms.

“Imma go find Noah.” HABIT says. He goes off and we are left to fend for ourselves.

“YOU’VE ACTIVATED MY TRAP CARD!” Firebrand rushes out of the corner with Caliborn, Gamzee, Rick, Morty, Toki and Big Da Cat.

“What the fuck is this? Everyone in his group except for Big Da Cat is awesome as fuck, but nooo, we just had to be put against some of the dankest ass motherfuckers the multiverse had to offer didn’t we?” I question everything that is going on.

“Kono Dio Da!” I hear a familiar voice. No, tell me it isn’t so! My friend’s senpai walks into the room. Dio, Bitchin’, Brando.

“Well we’re fucked time to go.” Tim and Jay run out of the room.

“Goodbye everyone, it was nice knowing you.” I say, somehow forgetting I have demon powers and could take down at least half of these idiots in 0.9 seconds.

Before our imminent demise could happen however, in the distance we can hear a familiar sound. A certain theme song of a certain wrestler starts to play as this happens:

File:JOHN EGBERT OR CENA IDK COMES AND SAVES THE DAY THEREFORE REDEEMING HIMSELF THIS PLOT POINT WAS AN EXCUSE TO MAKE A SHITTY JOKE

File:JOHNCEBERT.png

AND HIS NAME IS JOHN ???

Caliborn is knocked to the ground and runs away.

“So… Are you Egbert or Cena?” I ask John.

“Cebert.” Close enough.

“OH YEAH BABY LIKE THAT!” We all hear coming from the back room.

“I’m done. Everyone retreat. Give these people some privacy.” Firebrand orders. Him and his gang all get into a portal and go back to wherever it is that they are going.

“SPACE-TIME RIP MASTER RACE YOU PIECE OF ASS!” Alex shouts into the portal before it closes. Firebrand just sticks up his middle finger at him.

“HABIT, WHEN YOU’RE DONE IN THERE WE’RE GOING!” The Observer knocked on the bedroom door, clearly done with this shit.

“In a minute, OH YEAH BABY!”

“Well, now I know why his name rhymes with rabbit…” The Observer says.

“If you don’t mind, we’re going to go wait outside.” Jussiu tells The Observer.

“Go find Tim and Jay while you’re at it. Fucking pussies.” Wow Observer, rude!

“Sure, whatever Kev.” Jussiu goes outside. “TIM, JAY, THERE’S A GAY SEX PARTY GOING ON AND YOU’RE INVITED!”

“OH BOY!” Jay comes rushing over with Tim. “Where’s the GSP?”

“There isn’t one.” He stops before quietly adding “Unless you want to join in with Noah and Evan…”

“Oi, guys get ready to go.” I step out onto the porch, getting ready to open a space-time rip instead of one just randomly opening this time.

“Call me, Noah!” HABIT shouts. Noah just looks annoyed.

“Yeah, sure whatev…” He stops mid-sentence. “IT’S YOU, OBSERVER FUCK!” Great, more conflict that could have been easily avoided.

“Aww shit nigga!” (The only reason it was Ok for him to say the N word is because he’s black IRL and as The Observer.)

“So, did anyone else like the chicken, I thought the chicken was lovely!” I say, realising that we hadn’t eaten chicken or anything for that matter and that I had just made the situation 80x more awkward.

“Let’s just go.” The Observer says and we all enter the rip in space-time.

“STOP SENDING ME SEXTS YOU ABSOLUTE…!” He couldn’t finish his sentence before the rip closed.

“So… John. You know anything about Dio or Firebrand or whatever’s going on?” Allini asks John.

“Well, characters from different universes have been going missing and Firebrand has something to do with it.”

“Ok then. But do you know where they are?” Allini tries to get more answers from John.

“Whateverthefuck Castle. That’s where their base is.”

“Alrighty then. So, how are we going to get there?”

John Cebert summons a giant flying carpet and beckons us onto it.

“Squadala, we’re off!” He says, as he uses his windy powers to lift the carpet into the air. It’s only two seconds in however, when we realise that we’re going to have to teleport in, as the magic carpet is utterly fucking shit. And it’s raining.

“Who’s up for some teleportation space-time bendy bullshit?” I ask everyone. They all raise their hands, except for John.

“You can’t, it’s protected by ‘The Whimsical Magic of the Fleshlights’.” Ok, first off, why, and second off, what magical qualities could a sex toy possibly possess apart from the ability to make magic in the down below area?

“Well fuck. What are we going to do then? I’m presuming no flights go to this area?” I ask John.

“Well, we could get on a private jet to North Korea where the base is located, but we’ll have to find a way to get out of the jet before we’re gunned down, as the rest of North Korea is protected by these magical plastic vagina holes.”

“Anyone here have time warping powers then?” The Observer questioned us, but before any of us could answer, he thought of something. “Oh yeah, we could ask Slendy to use his powers to warp time, but he might need some persuasion.”

There’s a short pause.

“I’M NOT BEING THE ONE WHO GETS TENTACLES UP MY BUTTHOLE!” The Observer starts.

“ME NEITHER!” The rest of us say. The last person to say it was Alex.

“Aww man guys, he already fucks with my mind way too much, I don’t want him fucking with my body either!” Lol well fuk you, take one for da fuckin team, GAWD!

“I have an idea!” Tim intercepts the conversation. “We should get Brian to do it!”

“Done, deal. He’s probably into that sort of shit anyway.” The Observer shivers.

The Observer rings Slendy and tells him the arrangement and he promptly agrees. But if he was that easy to convince, why didn’t we just do this in the first place? It would have saved us a lot of trouble. Oh well, what’s done is done.

“Alright, let’s go all GTA on this shit!” Jay shouts as we board a private jet (which we had to sneak on or else we’d be without transportation. In order for this to work, we were going to need to get control of the plane. Jussiu was in charge of that. He was using his cloak to hide the fake bombs that he had strapped to his chest.

20 minutes into the flight, it was time for him to make his move.

ALLAHU *belch* ACKBAR! WE’RE GONNA TAKE CONTROL OF THIS PLANE AND WE’RE GONNA 9/11 IT UNLESS BURNINGTORRENT GETS BETTER GRADES IN MATHS!” Oh FFS Jussiu. We didn’t mean make a Rick and Morty reference. We meant go full ISIS on this bitch!

Everyone starts to scream and we head for the cockpit.

“GIVE US THE FUCKING PLANE!” Jussiu shouts.

“KKK.” The pilot says as he and his companion go into the main body of the plane. Somehow, all 9 of us manage to fit in the cockpit, and also, Allini knows how to fly an aeroplane, so what could possibly go wrong? Absolutely nothing.

“SLENDY GET YO BITCH ASS TO WORK AND USE THE TIMEY WARP WARP POWERS RIGHT ABOUT… NOW!” The Observer shouts into the phone, just as we are crossing the border to North Korea. Surprisingly, we managed to do it just in time. Any second later, and the missiles would have killed us all. Everyone else on the plane is dead, but it’s a good thing, as looking through some of the glove compartments, we found out that this was actually a secret KKK plane. Yup, sure is a good thing everyone on this plane who was part of the KKK is dead… (Unless I’m making this up to excuse the fact that we just killed a bunch of innocent people, but I wouldn’t do that!)

“So, where do we head now?” Alex inquires.

“We can teleport now that we’re past the border, so I’ll open up the rift this time.” John summons all of his power, and creates an unstable rift, but we should be fine.

When we arrive at Whateverthefuck Castle, we realise that we have no idea where we are.

“So, what should we do first, find the trapped characters, or find Firebrand and Dio?” I break the silence.

“Find those two mofos. Some of the characters are probably really horny from being exposed to the magical fleshlight radiation for too long. Trust me, you don’t want to deal with them when they’re like that, especially not while fighting.”

“But wait, doesn’t that mean we’ll be affected too?”

“If we get going now and defeat all of these motherfuckers, we should be fine.” Nobody else says a word, and we just follow John to our destination. I get my weapon out ready, as does everyone else.

“Guys, be quiet, I hear something.” The Observer says, and we remain quiet. Around the corner, we see… GOLDEN FLESHLIGHTS IN A SUITCASE!? But… Oh my god! What if they’re harnessing energy from the characters and using it to power these special fleshlights!? What could they be using these for!? (Well other than the obvious, duh!)

“We storm this operation, NOW!” I say. Everyone is hesitant, but they all come along eventually.

We burst into the room.

“BANG, BANG IT’S THE POLICE, NOW PREPARE TO DIE FUCKBOIIIIS!” I shout.

“You’re too late, foolish mortals!” Dio cackles.

“WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING TO THOSE POOR CHARACTERS AND WHAT ARE THOOOOSE!?” OK, I know full well what they are, but I want to make a meme joke ok?

“Well, the characters are giving us some really dank energy to power these special edition gold fleshlights. We are using the fleshlights to create a doomsday device, and for… other things…” Firebrand says smugly.

“Ewww, noooo!” Tim says, disgusted.

“Tim, get your mind out of the fucking gutter, we’re using them so we can fuse.”

“That’s even worse!”

“We’ll do it right now, we’ve been needing to test this.”

“Dio Sama!”

“Firebrand!”

“DNA DIGIVOLVE TO…!” There is a flash of blue fire.

File:Firebrando.png

"It was me, Firebrando!"

“FIREBRANDO!” Shit. This was going to be one tough fucker to beat.

“Now my minions… RISE!” Oh no, he did NOT mean those yellow little shits.

It turns out he didn’t, luckily. Or maybe unluckily as the first one to pop out from the shadows was… ANITA SARKEESIAN! NOPE. She was shortly followed by Toki, Big Da Cat, Rick, Morty, Gamzee, Caliborn (Who had somehow managed to find his way back.), Mutahar and… THE VIGILANT CHRISTIAN MARIO!? Kill me now.

“B-but fusion is just a cheap tactic to make weak characters stronger!” All of a sudden, a rainbow coloured blur flashes across the screen and destroys my Gawd Sword.

“You were saying?” Tavrisol and Devdev Booday enter the scene.

Well shit, I’ve lost my best weapon and we’re currently against arguably the most powerful, spoopy god demon vampire thing in existence. Way to go Tavrisoleriterezepetamzeequiuradikarnayaferi Vantamporerketaryamakarmegicapeixahhakeijonitramyrope. How the fuck did I just pronounce that?