My Seriously Sickening Serious Sam Experience
How All This Shiz Started...
It was an unusually warm day in the Fall of October 30th, 2012, at 3:56 P.M PST when I decided to revisit some of the old shooter classics I remember so fondly from my early adolescent years. A couple titles came to mind such as Half-Life 1, Half-Life 2, Half-Life 2: Episode 1, Half-Life 2: Episode 2, and ESPECIALLY Half-Life 2: Lost Coast. As I got wrapped up in warm and fuzzy nostalgic memories, I felt something nagging at me... What was I forgetting? Then, in an instant, it came to me. "SERIOUS SAM!" I cried out, not realizing my windows were wide open and probably scared the kids playing hopscotch outside my house. Just as I was about to revisit the game that brought me so much joy as a wee boy, (hey that rhymes!) I got a text message from my friend who, judging by the contents of the message, seemed very distressed. The text read: "OMG. DUDE. TURN THE TV ON RIGHT NOW! GUESS WHO JUST WON THE WORLD SERIES" This struck me as quite odd considering that the season had already ended a couple days ago. I replied with the following message: "uuuuhhh... helloooo? i already know who won dude. i couldnt sleep for the rest of that night because of those damn dirty giants. seriously those guys can go to hell. but, like, whatever. im kinda busy right now, k?" After I sent that message, I did not get a reply. I thought to myself, "Well, I guess he decided not to respond 'cause he realized he's a big stupid horse's ass. I mean come on... THE SEASON'S ALREADY DONE, DUMBO." But I digress.
I finally decided to boot up my PC with a relatively recent install of Windows 7 with a few extra bells and whistles and such. I called it "Windows 7+". Pretty cool, huh? Once I got to the home screen, I immediately went to Steam to buy the original Serious Sam game. I used to have a physical copy of the game once that I got for cheap at a garage sale hosted by some creepy old dude, but I lost it the day after I finished the game. Once I bought it, I waited for it to download, and I promptly launched the game. As all of the intro credits and whatnot played, I was once again overwhelmed by warm and fuzzy nostalgia all over again that was even warmer and fuzzier than a Goddang tarantula. Something odd that I noticed however, was the fact that instead of shooting his minigun like he normally does in the opening, he had out his XPML 21 Rocket Launcher and blew himself up. I thought that it was some sort of 1 in 1000000342452345 chance rare screen or something so I didn't pay it much mind. Once I got to the title screen I immediately went into the "PLAYERS AND CONTROLS" option to change my name as I don't just want to be called by the default player name in games if I can avoid it. I also briefly checked all the multiplayer character skins as I fondly remember playing the multiplayer mode with my old online friend "SMELLAHURLZ". Once that was done and over with, I started a new game and went through all the boring opening text and cinematics.
Now It Gets Really Weird...
Once I was in the game, I realized that I didn't just start out with the standard dual Shofield .45s, I was also equipped with both the 12-gauge pump action and double-barreled shotguns, the rocket launcher, tommy gun, and grenade launcher. I noticed that they all had infinite ammo, so with a menacing smile that would give Doom Guy a run for his money, I started blastin' like there was no tomorrow. By the second level, I had already noticed a strange abundance of the Marsh-Hopper enemies. They were relatively easy to deal with, save for the few times I lost a good chunk of health due to splash damage. As I progressed further into the next couple of stages all enemies were completely replaced with the Marsh-Hoppers. Marsh-Hoppers as far as the eye could see. I started to get really annoyed at this point as this was NOT the same awesome game I remember from all those years ago! Once I got to the Oasis stage, I was just about ready to throw in the towel because it just got so boring! However, something caught my attention as soon as I emerged from the water. There was a floating hat right next to one of the palm trees. I picked it up and text appeared at the bottom of the screen that said, "PRESS MOUSE1 TO THROW HAT DOWN IN DISGUST". As soon as I left-clicked the screen went completely dark blue. I was so mad because I thought my computer crashed or something. It was then that I realized that it was just one of the random fake outs I enabled on my Windows 7+. I'm such a dumbass. As soon as it returned to the game, Sam was in a completely different room with trippy looking textures all over the place. I just thought "DAFUQ?" and pressed onward. Not long into the level, Marsh-Hoppers started appearing again. However, they were all stationary and just gave me a blank stare as I walked past. I was relieved to know I didn't have to fight these stupid dick-lickers this time. I entered what appeared to be some sort of main hall filled to the brim with even more trippy effects and textures that looked like if LSD did cocaine. At this point I noticed it was getting pretty late, so I decided to save the game here and go to bed.
This was not the end however, as I had an awfully strange dream that night. I was back in the trippy level, but as myself rather than Serious Sam. I headed into what seemed to be a massive throne room meant for giants. I reluctantly walked forward as even anything to do with the word "giant" or "giants" put me in such a downer mood, dude. I don't think I need to explain why. Anyway, as I headed further into the throne room, I noticed a character that was much too small for that throne just sitting there. Upon closer inspection I instantly recognized who it was. GROOVY GREGORY. The same character that SMELLAHURLZ always chose when we played together. It was at this moment he started to speak to me in a deep, bassy voice that I must admit, was kind of sexy. He looked me dead in the eyes as he said, "Do you know why I called you here?" I replied with a quiet, "N-no..." He replied, "Then you obviously ain't aware of your true purpose yet. Lemme explain this all smooth like. Ever since we were introduced into this world of 1s and 0s we've had an intense craving for juicy, tender gibs. GIBS GIBS GIBS GIBS GIBS GIBS GIBS! It's what gives us meaning in this god-forsaken place and once we procure enough of those sweet, sweet gibs we'll finally be able to leave this realm!" I was completely baffled at this point, more so than at any other part of my life even when Mrs. Gaye (yeah, she was real "gaye" alright! HA!) gave the class a stupid math quiz out of nowhere just before spring break back in the 4th grade. I suddenly awoke in a cold sweat. I checked the time and it was already around 6:30 A.M. I thought, "Oh. Well... I guess it wouldn't hurt to sleep in an extra hour..." When I awoke from my relatively short slumber, I went back to check if any other strange happenings were going to transpire in my playthrough of Serious Sam. If only I new that the worst was yet to come...
THE WORST THAT CAME
I loaded up the Oasis level and was soon greeted to what I had experienced in my dream. However, a cutscene soon followed between Sam and the infamous Groovy Gregory. He gave the same basic spiel but with Sam throwing in a sarcastic remark or two, but eventually Sam exploded out of nowhere!!! Chunky flesh bits now lie on the floor as Gregory started munching it all up like it was a friggin' Thanksgiving turkey! The screen was overlayed with some kind of blood effect from Call of Duty or some crap and promptly closed itself. I was surprised to find that my desktop background was changed from a picture of a certain pink starfish to extremely low poly gibs! I noticed smoke emanating from my computer as it gave off a horrendous odor. In an instant, it blew up in my face and damn near decapitated me as the monitor flew across my room. I shouted, "God damn it!!! That cost me two siblings for Christ's sake!" The kids outside definitely heard me without a shadow of a doubt. Though, it made me wonder why they were out so early in the morning. I shrugged it off and sat on my bed. I wondered if it had really come true. "Has Groovy Gregory really entered our reality?" I thought to myself. After a couple of minutes of just staring at my dark blue carpeted floor, I decided that it was a waste of brain cells to get hung up on this. I just took a deep breath and looked out the window. It was looking to be a nice day out and I don't have much to do. Although, those damn kids outside are being a royal pain in the ass. My stomach started to rumble, and I had come to a decision. I looked through my wardrobe and put on my Giants jersey and said out loud in an evil but somewhat sexy voice, "I guess it wouldn't hurt to have some GIBLOAF..." I jumped out the window and after that... I... can't remember. All I remember is waking up in a pool of blood where the kids used to be and finding out that I was completely naked. I limped back into my house and cried in the living room for exactly 50 seconds.
DON'T END UP LIKE ME
If you want to play Serious Sam: The First Encounter, DON'T DO WHAT I DID. DO NOT BUY IT ON STEAM. ONLY BUY A PHYSICAL COPY! DON'T EVEN GET IT ON GOG.COM! I CAN'T CONFIRM IF YOU'LL MEET THE SAME FATE IN THAT PARTICULAR INSTANCE BUT IT'S BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY. ONLY GET IT FROM REPUTABLE SELLERS LIKE HELLACURLZ1776 ON eBAY OR FROM YOUR NEIGHBOR BEN'S GARAGE SALE.
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