How to Summon Colonel Sanders
It was a hot winter morning in Limberwisk. I was eating my Pac-Man themed Chef Boyardee and smoking some spinach when I wondered, "God, wouldn't it be cool if I summoned a fast food corporation mascot and bound him to my will?" So I went to my local library to find out how to summon a fast food corporation mascot and bind him to my will. I eventually found an occult book called The Pasta Inutilis Ritualia Apta Troglodytarum, which contained the ritual I was looking for. So now, without further ado, I shall copy and paste the lore I found within the tome so you can know how to summon Colonel Sanders.
The ritual is a rather dangerous one and will take a toll on most people's sanities. Here is what you will need:
- At least one issue of the official KFC comic by DC (yes that's a thing)
- 4 peppermint scented candles (must be peppermint; spearmint will summon Ronald McDonald instead)
- An AR-15 (you may need to go to the U.S.A. to legally do this ritual)
- An Alexa Dot
- 5 Mr. Potato Heads (must be Mr; Mrs will instead summon the Burger King guy, a daemon which should NEVER be intentionally summoned)
- A 2008 Toyota Yaris, painted any shade of blue EXCEPT FOR CYAN.
- A T-shirt that says, "My friend went to Micronesia and all I got was this motherfucking t-shirt, bitch".
If you somehow manage to get all of this stuff, some of which I don't even think exists, then you are going to need to set the ritual up. Do the following steps to insure that you won't screw this up:
- Read the KFC comic thoroughly. This will let Colonel Sanders know you are a true KFC maniac. AFTER YOU DO THIS, THERE WILL BE NO TURNING BACK.
- Melt all four of the peppermint scented candles down, and mold the molten wax to form a giant crayon; you will need this crayon later. You must make it yourself, and never use the same peppermint crayon twice.
- Load your AR-15 and put it by your side; you will need this for opening the portal, and maybe for self defense if you didn't listen and used Mrs. Potato Heads instead,
- Put your Alexa Dot somewhere on your carpet. Do not plug it in.
- Put your five Mr. Potato Heads around your Alexa Dot, in a pentagram like alignment.
- Make sure your Toyota Yaris has a full tank of gas, or at least enough gas to go eleven miles or so.
- Wear your t-shirt and display it proudly. Do not yank the tag out... yet.
Now that you have set your ritual up, you will need to perform it. Assuming you have thoroughly read the KFC comic, you will need to do another series of tasks. Do the following tasks in the order given:
- Chant the following phrase, which is found in The Pasta Inutilis Ritualia Apta Troglodytarum, "Colonellus ave dominus CALAMISTRATUS frixum pullum calefaciat dominum tortulas praenuntia dulcem prorsus omnes ad secretum XII aromatum et pretium erat. Digitus capreis naturam ligurire est bonum!"
- If you do this correctly, the Alexa Dot in the center of your Mr. Potato Head pentagram will turn on despite not being plugged in. If it is not plugged in, it will play "Smells Like Teen Spirit" by Nirvana. However, if you did this incorrectly and plugged it in, it will instead play "Friday" by Rebecca Black. This is deadly.
- Assuming it plays Nirvana like it should, you should meditate until it gets to the guitar solo, in which case you yank the tag off your t-shirt. If you fail to do it before the solo is over, the Alexa Dot will explode, killing you instantly. If you try to use scissors to do it, however, something worse will happen; it will play every single song Justin Bieber ever wrote. Without autotune. And you will have to listen to EVERY. LAST. SECOND.
- If you pulled out the tag in time, use your AR-15 to shoot your Alexa Dot after Kurt Cobain says "A DENIAL!" for the sixth time. One "A DENIAL!" too soon or to late will cause the ritual to fail, and you will not only have to get a new Alexa Dot, but Colonel Sanders will also be pissed at you; if you order KFC after you fail the ritual, you will die from salmonella poisoning.
- If you shoot down the Alexa Dot correctly, the eyes of your Mr. Potato Heads will turn hyper-realistic. If they do, go into your blue Toyota Yaris and perform the 11 Miles ritual. What you will want if you do 11 miles correctly is a sheet of orange construction paper. If your blue Toyota Yaris is cyan, however, upon completing it, you will instead receive black construction paper. This will be useless for the ritual, and you will need to attempt 11 miles again, this time in a blue Toyota Yaris that isn't cyan. If you are dumb enough not to use a Toyota Yaris, you will receive a bear trap rather than orange construction paper. Also, do not just buy orange construction paper at the store. If you use orange construction paper not received v.i.a. 11 Miles, your head will explode.
- If you receive orange construction paper, head back home to where you set up your pentagram of Mr. Potato Heads. Place it in the center of it on top of your destroyed Alexa Dot. Use your giant peppermint crayon to write the following, "Heus, vos Colonellus furcifer, ego did per sollemnes, et lucratus est eum ad me sentire vim magnam, et per portas capreis naturam ligurire BENIGNUS ARTICULUS I !!!!?" If you write this with a giant peppermint crayon you used before, the Mr. Potato Heads will animate and gouge out your heart.
- If you do this correctly, the Mr. Potato Heads will shoot electricity out of their eyes to incinerate the paper. This will cause a portal to open up. If you used Mrs. Potato Heads instead, it will instead summon the evil Burger King Guy. Use your AR-15 for self defense and PRAY that he does not consume your soul like a frozen waffle.
If you did this entire ritual correctly, Colonel Sanders will step through the portal. Shake his hand. Greet him. Play a session of Dungeons and Dragons with him. And then play 13 rounds of Street Fighter: The Movie: The Game with him. After you do all of that, he will be able to grant you one wish that involves fried chicken. I personally wished for a bucket of fried chicken that would grant me immortality. After he grants your wish, he will go back through the portal before saying goodbye. This ritual can basically grant you absolutely anything you want as long as it at least somewhat involves fried chicken. So anyways, if you do decide to do this, good luck. You're going to need it (only because some jackass shoehorned 11 Miles in the ritual).
Written by Hyper-Realistic Mayonaise
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