Once there was a boy. His name was Roy Lewis Jacobson Marie Lynn Adelbert the Third. He was a simple boy. He enjoyed breakfast ham, afternoon Parcheesi, nipple twisting Sundays, ice cream sundaes, and naming weird kittens.
When Roy was a boy, he played with toys, they gave him joy, he only watched films with Christopher Lloyd.. When he was a teen, he peed on a limosine, he rubbed vasoline on a trampoline during quarantine. He was constantly dreaming of being obscene.
He wrote a story named Albert Dumpling, the little man. You starred in it with Alex Baldwin the sassy manboy and Dwezil Zappa as Skunk Boogie. But you already know about this. This story is about when Roy was a turkey farmer. He was 12 which is rather young to be a legendary turkey farmer but Roy was, I dunno. He was pretty good, let's just leave it at that.
Roy's mom Janine Wondermuffin Boogie the Third Junior would always sit and drink rotten funyun bloody Marys with her lady friends cause they were big brunchers but also kind of gross. They would joke about Roy and his giant teeth. His teeth were the size of silver dollars. Some days Janine would wake up to him gnawing on her ankles. Roy was 12.
One day though, when she was feeding him his favorite breakfast ham. Roy's mom fed him 3 little pizzas they were sloppy and he would slurp them up like a little hummingbird. And he would say "More more Papa Jonas!" This was especially weird because Roy didn't have a dad.
Or did he? Roy's father screamed down the chimney. It sounded like a billion little girls laughing at once. It chills little Roy and his mother Janine. They start going "Abubu abububuuuuu" which is the latin word for there's a man living on our roof. It is true, 4 out of 5 doctors agree that Roy's father Jerhhimiah Jones Wilkinson Aquaboogie the Quelfth was indeed living on that very roof for twelve years. He could not handle life as a toothpick salesman and resigned himself to curling up and living off of the roof shingles. He defecated in the chimney which is probably why the house was always smelly.
Roy tripped on a pile of poop. "Ow, that's that's not really jivin" he said through his freakishly large teeth. Roy's mother thought back to the day he was conceived. She thought he would be a respectable car salesman at least or a marine biologist but here he was dancing in poop. Yes Roy had the moves. He groooved and he moved and he grooved on the poo. He jived like the last boy alive. It was really funny.
Janine laughed. But Roy hated being laughed at because he had ego issues cause he couldn't handle people laughing about his goofy ass teeth which they were really funny ya can't blame them. People like funny shit.
Roy hissed at his mother for the first time in his life. It was a good hiss. It was building for quite some years. It started when he met Paulie shore at some Walgreens in Flappentucker Massachusetts. Roy was afraid to go full hiss because he hadn't yet harnessed his inner abilities but Paulie had planted the seed that day. Just by being himself.
2 years later. Roy hissed like a man. It was a long bubbly rancid hiss that would singe off all the nostil hairs of a short person if they were standing within 4 feet of him. It ended in a beautiful howl that lasted for 3 seconds and reverberated through the kitchen and the den and sparked the fireplace to blaze and squiggle about in kind of a trippy way.
Roy did 4 backflips and slithered up the chimney and ate his father alive. Today was the glory day. After his meal Roy dove his way back down the small hole and fell into a pile of Walmart bags his mother had strewn about. He slipped and his mother Janine wailed away on him. She wailed and wailed. She railed and Roy flailed. Then Roy died. Roy was you. Or was he?
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