9001 Nights at Freddy Fazbear's Paradise of Pingas Pizza, An Autobiographical Memoir (AKA FNAF 5) Director's Cut: The Final Shreckoning: Game of the Year Edition: Hot Sauce included

The New Job

One day I, Timmy McJimmy, was looking for a job. I had only two cents and a box that was twelve inches tall on a street corner in Da Hood. In a newspaper I found on the ground, I saw a Help Wanted ad for a new restaurant. It was called Freddy Fazbear's Pingas Paradise. I yelled "OH SHNAZZ!" and ran all the way to the restaurant. Luckily, the ad featured the address: 69 2Spooky avenue. I was very happy when they immediately let me have a job because I was homeless. They gave me night watch, even though I wanted to thaw frozen pizza under a heat lamp in the kitchen. They told me to be at work at 12 AM, which I kinda hated but, oh well!

Night 1

I arrived on time and put on my fabulous security uniform. I then heard a ringing noise coming from a phone on the desk. The man on the phone  told me that I had to use an IPad to watch over the ten animatronics: Freddy Fazbear, Bonnie, Chica, Foxy, Katty Kat, Patrick the Potato, Sanic teh Hedgehoge, Doge, Dolan the Duck, and Balloon Bitch. I thought it would be easy enough until Freddy moved from the stage to the kitchen. I thought it was a glitch, but then Bonnie walked over to Katty Kat. They then went into the Pirate's Cove, being hidden behind the curtain. I heard a pirate-like voice saying "Shiver Me Timbers!" and a lot of clanging noises. I wanted to investigate but then  Patrick walked into the woman's bathroom, even though he was a man!  I thought to myself "Oh No... Not One Of THESE Jobs". Dolan moved to the dining area, looked into the camera, and said "UR NEXT 2 B RAPED". Dolan rushed down the hall, but I closed the door right on time! The alarm clock on the desk sounded, ending my shift, and I ran out the door cryin

Night 2

I went to my job, shivering, and I was 2 minutes late. Before I could worry about being fired for being late, the phone rang. The man said that I did a good job and that the animatronics would be harder tonight. I dunno if he ment that they would be more active, or more horny. I then saw on the screen Sanic running around in circles. He kept on saying "GOTTA GO FAST!" and playing a dubstep remix of the Sonic X theme song on an IPhone 7. Foxy then went up to Sanic and started running in circles with him. I rolled my eyes and changed the cameras, seeing Freddy staring at me. He said "Hai." and then did a funny dance. I then saw Patrick the Potato sneaking back into the woman's bathroom, smeling in a creepy way. I then tried to look in the women's bathroom to see what was going on, but I was interrupted by an ERROR message sayng " Dude, that is just perverted." I got bored, so I played Flappy Bird on the IPad. But, suddenly, Chica looked at me through the window. She screamed "LOVE ME" and tried to get in to the room, but I replied "Oh HEEEEELL NAH!" and shut the door. The alarm clock then sounded, and I left, ending the second night.

Night 3

I arrived at my job at 11:57 PM, and I put on my clothes and sat down. The phone guy told me some "good news": they had 2 new animatronics! They were Shreky the Oger and Turdy the Turtle. After hearing this, I immediately saw something odd. Doge got up and walked to the kitchen, coming out with a slice of pizza. Chica yelled "PIZAAAA!" and started eating the pizza. Doge slapped her and said "Bitch Plz." and put on a pair of sunglasses. Katty Kat then seduced Doge and stole his pizza, making Doge angry. Suddenly, Sanic came out of nowhere and 360 noscopes freddy, blowing an airhorn at the same time. It was now then that Patrick snuck into the ladies bathroom. Foxy then attempted to scratch his bat, only for it to be scratched by Shreky. Shreky the screamed "OGRES HAVE LAYERS TOO!" and had a seizure. Turdy then fell asleep on the stage, only to be farted on by Bonnie. When Turdy did not wake up, Bonnie yelled "WHAT IS THIS SORCERY?!" and jumped into the backroom. I looked into the backroom, only to see Golden Freddy, Bonnie, and an Endoskeleton doing the spooky scary skeletons dance! The alarm clock rang and I left, yelling "2SPOOKY4ME!"

Night 4

I arrived at my job on time, again, and the phone immediately started ringing. The phone guy explained how Shreky threw an onion at a kid who was allergic to onions, causing "The bite of 2015". Shreky was convicted with a life sentence in jail for his crime. He also said that Katty Kat had to be sold because she seduced the children.I also thought I heard him say something about a "purple man", but I was to busy trying to get to level 999 in Flappy Bird to listen (only got to level 987 >:0). I turned on the cameras only to see Freddy,Bonnie, and Chica huddling around Balloon Bitch. Apparently, he was selling illegal "balloons" that made you really super uber high. I also saw Patrick going to the ladies bathroom and Sanic breakdancing to the Trololol song. I thought tonight was going to be just as normal, until I saw a new app on the IPad. It was called Sav3_tH3m.EXE, so I decided to click on it. All it showed was an Atari game where you controlled Freddy. You followed a weird man who looked purple. When you got to the last room the purple man would tickle you with a dildo-looking thing and said "You Can't". Before I could say that this game was crap, the alarm went off and I had to go.

Night 5

I arrived at 11:40 in the morning and watched some funky PR0NZ and watched some Five Nights At Freddy gameplay until the phone rang. The phone guy said that today was gonna be fine. He said my paycheck will be sent to me at 8:00 PM tonight. I was so excited, I ran out the room. When I did this, I almost got rekt by Sanic but I went into the office and shut the door in time. I was relieved until I saw Bonnie running down the other hallway. I closed the door on Bonnie's arm, cutting it of and leaving it in my room as a pet. I played some more Flappy Bird until I got bored, so I went to check on the others. Dolan and Chica were doing something, um, interesting in the back room. Golden Freddy and Sanic where dancing the dougie when the alarm clock went off and I left.

Night 6

I got my pay check yesterday. I arrived to this place again for some more money. The phone guy then said that if I wanted overtime I needed to work today and tomorrow. I then yelled "GOD DAMMIT!" and threw the IPad down. I then saw Patrick the Potato sneaking into the bathroom dragging Turdy the Turtle. I then said "okaaay?" and kept on glancing through the cameras. I saw Freddy and Balloon Bitch doing the disco while Sanic and foxy were jumping on top of Bonnie. Other than that, nothing has really happened, until around 3 AM. I heard screaming coming from the ladies restroom, so I hacked past the ERROR message I saw before and saw Turdy in the middle of a Devil Sacrificial circle, while Patrick was chanting some kind of demonic spell. Then, EVIL PATRIXX appeared from the center of the sacrificial circle and he destroyed the wall. He also falcon punched Patrick and ran out of the pizzeria. Then, the alarm clock went off. I ran out of the pizzeria and called 911.

Night 7

I arrived at work at 11 PM so I could have a full hour beat Flappy Bird. I did, thankfully, just in time for the next phone call. The phone guy said they needed an animatronic to replace Patrick and Turdy, and they had not that much money from wall repairs, so they brought back the Puppet. Knowing who this Puppet animatronic was, I yelled "Dammit!" He also said that he installed a new app to "spice things up". I checked the IPad and, like he said there was an app called "Animatron Hacker 360". I clicked it and there was, like, a 30-minute loading screen. After that, a screen popped up with all of the current animatronics: Freddy, Bonnie, Chica, Foxy, Sanic, Dolan, Balloon Bitch, Golden Freddy and The Puppet. There were several different presets, so i will try to show my reactions to each of them.

9/20 mode- NO! JUST NO! OH GOD! GET THIS AWAY FROM ME!

MLG mode- Sanic, Dolan, Balloon Bitch all 20. Pretty dang easy.

Original guys: Freddy,Bonnie,Chica,Foxy, Golden Freddy, and the Puppet all 20, Balloon Bitch 10. Pretty hard.

Fast mode- Sanic,Foxy, and Puppet. Literally close one door every minute.

4/20 mode- The original. Freddy,Bonie,Chica,Foxy all 20. I think this is easy after so much experience.

9/0 mode- Nothing. Played Flappy Bird the whole time.

Showdown- Just you and golden freddy. Pretty damn epic.

That was all of them. So, yeah. See you later.

Night 9001

The pizzeria is totally different since that first week. While there are still Freddy, Bonnie, Chica, Foxy, and Golden Freddy, the only other guys are Bobby the Blobfish and Toby the Troll. I arrived exactly on time and the phone guy said they are done with me and tonight was my final shift. I yelled "HOORAY!" and jumped up and down, but hit my head. I looked in the camera, and saw Freddy, Bonnie, and Chica in a threesome. I then went over to see Blobby and Toby playing DDR (there are new arcade machines). They then morphed together and turned into PATRIXX.EXE! He destroyed the pizzeria(guess it is actually my last day!) and ate all of the pizza! I was freaked out and was like "ledeledeledelee!" The alarm clock sound

ed, so I left. I walked, like a boss, out of the pizzeria with both middle fingers sticking up yelling "F*ck you bitches!".

Epilouge

FUCK THIS JOB! It was scary, dumb, and sometimes boring! But now that I have all of this money, I can do ANYTHING! Now I can just bribe Robot Steve Jobs to make me Vice President of Apple Inc. instead of continuing this frickin' job! I am soooo filthy rich! I am no longer a hobo, now I am a millionaire!

Goodbye readers! See me on the cover of millionaires weekly

THE END!!!

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