A Night to Remember Jar Jar Binks Lollies
Now I may be a miserable old bugger who seems to never have any time for friends and fun, but something you may not know about me is that I have a little secret. I Professor Charles am secretly a massive fan of Star Wars, but I have a rather controversial opinion when it comes to these films, for you see; I cannot stand the original trilogy they are so bloody smelly and the acting oh the acting. My bloody son in law; Triangle Bill is a better actor than those lot and he holds people at gunpoint so that they'll sing the Welsh National Anthem with him. No, I much prefer and adore the prequel series, for they are some of my favourite films ever made. As a matter of fact going on from that point, I would honestly have to say that Phantom Menace is without a doubt the greatest cinematic achievement ever created, and this is mainly because the film is responsible for the inception of the best character in the whole entire franchise; Jar Jar Binks. Oh yes, I do love Jar Jar Binks. I have collected loads of Jar Jar related memorabilia over the years including Jar Jar oven mitts which you can put on your feet in order to help you sneak across the gallery without nobody noticing, a Jar Jar doll which sits at the edge of my bed. He keeps the nightmares out you see which is why I have to have him sitting at the edge of my bed every single night. He also came bundled with this dog plush toy who is dressed up like a veteran of the Olive Oil War, and he keeps singing about when he was 62. Listen here dopey dog; I don't give a rats ass about you all I care about is my beloved Jar Jar Binks! Now I've collected lots of Jar Jar Binks stuff over the years, but you want to know what my most priced Jar Jar item of all time is? It's not the action figures, it's not the doll, or the Jar Jar Binks flamethrower that I got with my Russian bootleg copy of Phantom Menace, no my most prized possession is my Jar Jar Binks ice lolly.
You see; I'm very old so I remember when trees were everywhere, and I also remember when Phantom Menace first game to cinemas and they were selling Jar Jar Binks themed tongue lollies at my local supermarket. I remember when I first bought one of those little lollies and I got home to my apartment... but I didn't eat it. I never ate it. It still hasn't been eaten, for I could bring myself to befall any harm upon my beloved Jar Jar Binks. The way the lolly works is that the head is shaped like Jar Jar Binks obvs, and you push his ears down to make his disgusting tongue come out. Then you eat the tongue like a regular lolly. Sounds gross, doesn't it? Well, that's because it really is. The tongue is horrid looking, and has black marks on it which look like bits of pepper. I really hope they have penicillin on Naboo because Jar Jars' tongue looked infected, but in spite of out disgusting it may appear to look to most, I actually have a strange level of fondness for the sweet pop. I wanted to collect a whole bunch of them, to the point that I would have an entire room dedicated to Jar Jar Binks lollies, so I put on my comically oversized wellies which made made to look like a frog's head. Isn't that wacky? I raced down to my local Woolworths only to find to me shock and horror that the bastard owners Wooley and Worth were burning down all the Jar Jar sweets they could find. They had a massive bonfire going on in the parking lot of Woolworths. Oh yes sorry love, I probably should have mentioned this before but Woolworths was the only store in my town which was actually selling Jar Jar Binks lollies.
Grabbing a hold of a really nasty looking plank of wood which had shit all over it, I made my way over to Wooly and Worth in order to pummel their brains in, only for Worth to ask, "what if I were to be a moose?" I was so confused by Worth's weird comment that it left me open for attack. Wooly ended up pinning me down onto the ground, and he was very fat you see so he nearly broke my bloody back in doing so. Wooly held a gun to my head as he threatened me with, "now don't fuck with me boyio, I'll kill you!" Though the papers and many advertisements over the years featuring the iconic Woolworths duo may make you think that Wooly is the more good natured and kind of the pair, in reality it is quite different. Wooly was quite a cruel sheep despite his jokey and plump exterior. Worth's face meanwhile remained impassive as he began smoking from a pipe and then barked, "Woolly get off from that poor man, and help me burn more of these damn lollies!" Kind of ironic for Worth to be barking when he is a dog after all. A sheep dog too... hey wait a minute! Anyways, I got up from the floor and brushed myself off as I said, "this is no way to treat a person." I gave my tie a right good squeeze as I asked, "I just wanted to know; why are you destroying all of the Jar Jar Binks lollies? They are bringing joy to everyone including yours truly as a matter of fact.
After some harsh questioning which culminated in a packet of rancid peaches, Worth proceeded to explain that it was not his and Worth's decision to dispose of the Jar Jar Binks lollies but was rather the decision of someone much more powerful. Someone who has more power than any pair of simple Woolworths mascots could possibly of imagined. It was none other than my arch nemesis in the London Stock Exchange: Mr Moneypenny. Mr Moneypenny was among the new generation of money investors and he had bigger plans than trees you could say as he was planning on selling the local beach house so that he could build a hotel in it's place. I had tried to get a place on the Exchange, but Moneypenny had said, "it doesn't make sense there isn't any room for strangers." I was no stranger I was a man with a plan! Granted, what plan is exactly I cannot say, but I'm sure it's probably something real sweet. I truly hated the fact that I planned on selling the beach house as that's the place to be for Salty Dog and me if you catch my drift. After explaining my dilemma with the Jar Jar Binks Lollies disappearing, Mr Moneypenny offered me to take me out to eat at Patsy's; his favourite Italian restaurant. Sadly, it was not a very pleasant pheasant if you catch my drift, as I had to pay for all the food and even then I only had enough for a slice of pepperoni pizza which was burnt to fuck and tasted rancid because it only costed £1. The waiter; Jules was insulted by my little amount of money so he gave me a pizza slice right from the horse's mouth. Literally! They keep a horse in the main dining area for security purposes according to Moneypenny anyway. Meanwhile, Moneypenny ate some salad which was stuck to a loaf of bread because he's a bit stupid like that.
Oh! Moneypenny was most certainly a tight fisted hand at the grindstone, and though he was extremely rich probably among the richest men in the entire United Kingdom, he was very boring as he kept going on about how his financial advisor had convinced him to invest all of his money into bitcoins so that the pair could spotted dick a freeway. Spotted what!? I mean really come now. Anyways, the visit to Patsy's was not entirely wasted as Mr Moneypenny explained that he overheard someone in church talking about how the Jar Jar Binks Lollies were toxic and that the lumps on ole Jar Jar's tongue could cause people to have their guts burst out like something out of Alien. "Could that be true?" I asked, but Mr Moneypenny assured me by sticking an old mouldy lollipop in my mouth. I gagged as he and I parted our ways. Oh, don't worry I know we'll meet again some Sunny day once the world is no longer made of bricks and no one has to pay for air! The unnamed speaker in church had a lot of friends in politics, so Mr Moneypenny using his connections pulled the Jar Jar Binks Lollies out from the shelves just to be safe, and he instead replaced them with his patterned Mr Moneypenny's Cream Cheese which has mould in it. So much mould I mean really... er... anyways, I should also mention that Moneypenny had given me the last known address of the person which so happened to be the local theatre. Things are starting to not add up here.
The local theatre was showing a really bad show about two people in black pullovers who yell Shakespearian phrases at each other, while a little cookie gnome named Mr G tries to help them by sticking pound coins in their ears so they can hear the sound of the pound slowly rolling along the outer edges of their skulls. The play was called Coin In Coin Out, but as much I wanted to see the rest I had to find someone. Oh buggering buggerton! Why had I not asked Mr Moneypenny for a name or perhaps even a photograph of what the person looked like. He could have even given me their Beenweevels account, I wouldn't have minded honestly! Imagine my surprise; when I saw my son in law; Mr Triangle sitting in the main lobby reading from a newspaper and drinking from a flask. I walked up to Triangle and tried to act cool by saying, "sup Triangle want to dunk a plunk?" Suddenly, Mr Triangle pulled out a Chicago Typewriter and began typing on it and he then proceeded to yank the piece of paper out from the top of it and handed it to me. I looked the piece of paper over, but I could not read it as I be 1.5% blind in my left eye so naturally, I was forced to put on my pair of reading glasses which had fireworks coming out from the top of the frame. Nice frame as Mr Bean once said.
The note had been dipped in Genco Pura Olive Oil meaning it stuck to my hands, but I did not care as I began reading the note. It read and I quote, "the answer you seek lies in my suite. Take two steps back and there you'll be, but pick the wrong door and you'll have picked the wrong door." I entered Mr Triangle's suite and discovered a Jar Jar Binks Lolly stuck to the table covered in soot or something else I don't even know to be honest. I picked the Lolly up and used a conveniently placed magnifying glass to look at the lumps on the tongue. It was a brand new one! I heard the door shut tight behind me as Mr Triangle appeared accompanied by two incredibly tall and heavily built bodyguards. "You really don't when to leave well enough and alone." Mr Triangle threatened as he had me pinned down by his bodyguards. They pinned me down onto the green and quite frankly very smelly carpet. It smelt like ass. No, it really did that's not even a joke. What the heck had Mr Triangle been doing in here? Actually, on second thought perhaps it is best that I do not know or else who knows the country may be done for! At that moment, Mr Triangle's eyes became sly as he decided to offer me an ultimatum. Oh, how I do love a good ultimatum I tell you what! The offer was simple; either I would be flogged to death by Triangle's bodyguards, or I could join Triangle's salty herd. The herd was basically a group of aspiring actors including a fat fucking walrus who is so stupid it hurts, a big beefy rat named Monty D who has a price tag on his ear, and a fucking talking onion. Oh goodness, can that be real or could it a hoax or a dummy perhaps?
The only catch of being in Triangle's herd was that much like Monty D, I would have to wear a price tag on my ear and fetch food the herd while they start intently at me. Speaking of Monty D, don't you dare laugh at his price tagged ear because he has a temper and a violent one at that. He'll skin you alive because he is a rat and rats are fucking monsters. Although I may be a tad bias after all a gang of multi coloured rats raided my room when I was on a yacht heading from Coloumbia to New York City. Ahem! Enough of that, I almost took Mr Triangle's offer only for a dopey dog to come in holding a fire extinguisher. The dopey dog's name was Dijon, and he used the fire extinguisher to cover Mr Triangle and his bodyguards in foam as he offered me a hand. "Come with me but maybe we get the bus back okay?" Dijon asked as he and left the suite, but we made sure to grab the Jar Jar Binks Lolly so's I didn't get hungry during the trek to wherever we were headed next. I have very good ears that can hear a pin drop, so I was able to hear through walls and I overheard Mr Triangle picking up his phone and giving someone a ring a ding banana phone. "Boss, they're heading West to Kensington. Activate the Pig Slaves." While Dijon and I ran through the set of a play entitled Snowman In A Bucket: The True Story, I heard something rustling in the bushes. Against Dijon's wishes who cried, "oh Merlock don't be looking over there," I decided to see what the noise was. My name is not Merlock, and I was very angry with Dijon for getting that fact wrong so I decided to get back at him by taking a little peak. Nothing too major, just a little one. I moved some cardboard boxes and cat statues out from the corner so I could bare witness to the mysterious noise maker. I COULDN'T BELIEVE WHAT I SAW!
A terrifying human pig hybrid thing with incredibly sharp teeth oinked at me as he began chasing me down the set, but I was thankfully saved by Dijon who pulled me by the shirt collar onto a conveniently placed bus which was being driven by Richard Richards. Oh, come now, do not tell me that you don't know who Richard Richards is? He is a big supporter of Hi Dad Soup, or at least he used to be until the donuts came at night if you know what I mean. Richards was very crazy as he had skipped breakfast that morning as a result of some late-night partying. In a reaction this lynching, Richards was unable to have a bowl of covered Weetabix, he decided to take us on the drive of our lives. Dijon and I did not enjoy the experience as we had to sit next to a man who was very sick. Very sick indeed. "I'm a little sick!" The man cried as he took Dijon's turban off from his head and began vomiting violently into it. I must admit I did feel bad for the man initially, but I stopped doing that once I realised, he worked for a sugar company in Hartley Dale who approved of a red velvet cake bar which is so fucking bland it'll make you crave cyanide. What kind of company approves of a product like that I ask you! It's madness! Complete and utter madness! Ole Richards was not entirely heartless as he tried to offer some entertainment to his passengers by reading Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol when he was supposed to be concentrating on the smelly road. "Marley was dead to begin with; there was no doubt whatever about that." Richards began. "I can't take this!" Dijon cried at the very top of his lungs as he threw a brick at the window which allowed for me and him to be sucked through it like some kind of aeroplane. Probably a good thing we got off the bus when we did, because Doctor Carrot was on there and he started educating the passengers on how exciting aerial dynamics is.
We walked a mile until we finally reached Kensington, the royal borough up top. However, I must admit I had no idea what our intentions were at this point. I was unable to eat me Jar Jar Binks Lolly as the bloody thing had melted while we were on the bus. I stopped Dijon dead in his tracks and asked, "stop and look around you! You have not told me what we are doing it at this fine port?" "Oh, can't you see?" Dijon asked a nearby blind man who responded, "no!" Anyways, I guess I wasn't really paying much attention to where I was going because I ended up walking face first into a pyramid. A pyramid? Yes, my pork! A pyramid had been built in the very heart of Kensington, but the catch was that it was invisible due to someone getting a bit too trigger happy with the invisible spray shall we say. I got a good feel of the pyramid as I asked Dijon, "what is the significance in this?" "Stick with me, and you'll see." Dijon sang as he handed me a torch that had a flame which was the colour of royal navy blue which I must admit I found pretty cool like some kind of Lawrence Fletcher, but that didn't matter as Dijon and I made our way inside the pyramid but we failed to notice that someone on a nearby street corner was watching us and he was wearing an overly large trench coat which didn't fit him in the slightest. And eventually, we entered the pyramid using the fire exit, but what caught me off guard was the fact that the interior of the pyramid was not what you would expect the interior of a pyramid to look like. It looked like a hotel hallway with loads of different rooms. "I know a short cut." Dijon said, but I didn't believe him and thought he was just pulling my leg. Well, he didn't actually pull my leg because it's too hairy.
I headed inside one of the rooms only to find a terrifying but rather sad looking clown sitting on the edge of a bed with a balloon in his hand. He looked very sad indeed, and he looked at me with big sad eyes as he said, "I could have been a doctor. I passed all the tests." He was eating something known as peanut butter stickies, but don't eat them as they'll make you sick. Very sick as they are laced with cod liver and oil. Leaving that horrible room behind, I decided to catch up with Dijon who had entered a room on the other side of the landing. I walked into the room and was greeted by a bunch of angry geese who could actually talk and they sounded like Matt Berry. They were yelling at me about how it is not nice to be cooked alive, and how would I like it if I was served for Christmas dinner each and every year. Well, I must admit I can't say I would like very much. No Siree I would not, but the problem with this particular room is that there was so many geese in it that I was unable to actually see where Dijon was hiding. I blew into an old whistle which stank like mouldy cheese and using it I was able to find Dijon hiding in a cupboard on the far side of the room. Dijon got out from the cupboard and leapt into my arms as he cried, "those geese could have given me quite a boo boo!" "Yes that would not have been good." I said awkwardly as the unmistakable smell of raw sewage entered my nostrils, but then I recalled the fact that the pyramid was located right next door to a sewage plant specifically McKinnon Brothers, but you didn't hear that from me alright? I'm not that sick. Dijon and I made our way through the hotel lobby once again until we reached a small room which had... A FUCKING CHOCOLATE RIVER in the centre of the room, but the smell taught me what it really was. It was actually the sewage line.
Dijon didn't seem to mind the smell, and started eating from the river and I waited an incredibly long time to tell him what he was actually drinking which caused poor ole Dijon's face to become green like Shrek as he passed out before asking, "is there a doctor in the pyramid?" I basically just rolled my eyes for a good ten hours, before I felt someone or rather someone's hoof tap upon my shoulder, and I didn't want to turn around but I eventually did. Oh, how I could ever have been so stupid as to turn around. Upon turning around, I found myself being confronted by a minotaur. I laughed at the minotaur's gruesome appearance which made the creature cry a bucket of tears before it yelled, "you dare mock me my boy? This shall not go unpunished?" Puzzled, I went to say something only to get a right good thump to the face by the minotaur which managed to send me flying to the other side of the fucking room. Both Dijon and I were stuffed into an old Tesco carrier bag which was handed from the minotaur over to two Russian gangsters. "Now about my side of the deal?" The Minotaur questioned. Even though I had been knocked out, I have super human hearing which allows me to hear everything that people say even when I'm sound asleep so I was able to overhear Minotaur conversing with the Russian gangsters. The Minotaur had struck up a deal with the man or woman behind this whole conspiracy to capture Dijon and I, while he would be awarded a free first class ticket to Italy where he would become a protégé under the world famous incredibly cynical opera master. I shan't mention his name for he is known to have an extremely good legal team who would no doubt try to sue me for all I'm worth. Bastards! The two Russian gangsters informed The Minotaur that his hard work would be worth it, and to be patient while they had a word with the big boss.
Waking up, I found myself being held at gunpoint by Mr Triangle and his enforcers. Triangle gave me a slap across my big meaty chops as he threatened me with, "you should have taken my deal Charlie, now bad things are going to happen, and I can't be held responsible for what happens you hear me?" I can't believe my own son in law would betray me like this as I used to take him out on fishing trips in the Lost Heaven countryside, but in fairness I would occasionally attempt to drown him after he mocked my piss poor fishing skills. Well, you know what they say; they can tune a canoe, but you can't tune a fish. I think that's how the joke goes. I'll run that one by Grace later don't you worry dear. "I should have known you were behind this." I said coldly because I really could have done with a blanket to be honest. Also, before we continue, there was a third man who had been captured and he was a member of the Yardies. He was so cold that he was able to pull his middle toe off. Poor bastard. "Oh Charlie sweet naïve Chilly Charles! I was just the Shepard old man. My boss is the person you want to see." Mr Triangle explained. Now initially, I suspected Mr Moneypenny to be the antagonist in this story, but I was surprised when Mr Triangle had this to say. "Mr Moneypenny? That old fart is harmless. We offered him a place in our salty herd, but he claimed his associates in the dockers union would no doubt turn their backs on him if he even thought of going for such a trade."
I asked a couple more questions, but screenwriter: Cinco Paul who had also been captured had advised Mr Triangle to not get back to me on them. Why was Cinco Paul here? Well, he was captured because Mr Triangle and his boss were very angry with their pitch for Despicable Me 4 was rejected by Chris Meledandri didn't think the script would suit the character dynamics in the house of Gru. What the fuck is wrong with you Sir? Anyways, I was having enough of this nonsense as was Dijon so we both demanded to see the man responsible for this entire story. "Be careful what you wish for." Mr Triangle said with a smug look on his face as a massive garage door opened up revealing... none other than Eugene H Krabs himself! "Ahoy me bucko!" Mr Krabs greeted, but he didn't sound anything like Clancy Brown much to my dismay no instead he sounded Welsh like some kind of Glancy Drown. If you want to get that reference, you need to pick up the enclosed Oliver Charles/Bruno Tattagllia funnypasta guide. I think I saw the guidebook going on offer at a sale in Tuscany but remind me to check OKAY!? Mr Krabs was wearing a BDSM looking outfit for some reason. Okay, now that's actually kind of hot. Hmm what? Oh, sorry forgot you were there for a second love. In any case, Mr Krabs confirmed that he was indeed the man or rather the crab behind the entire Jar Jar Binks Lolly conspiracy. "How could you do a thing like this!?" I cried at the very top of my lungs. "Well; I'm glad you asked boyio, take a look at my remote control." Mr Krabs said as he held up a TV remote. "It's beautiful." I said in a very smelly voice completely unlike how I usually am.
It was a long story with a couple unnecessary subplots including one about an old man who loved fish fingers but pretended to hate them otherwise his wife will get the press onto his ass. Seriously, what has that fucking story got to do with Jar Jar Binks Lollies Mr Krabs? After getting through the subplots, Mr Krabs explained that he was running the front desk at the Krusty Krab one day while Squidward was off sick with ass flu. A golden limousine pulled up on the parking lot outside the restaurant, and George Lucas came out from it wearing a really sick looking pullover and some jeans. He walked into the restaurant as a small red carpet was rolled out for him by his PA. George Lucas walked up to the cash register and asked for 14 Monster Krabby Patties to go. "Why so hungry Mr Lucas? You going to hunt an elephant?" Mr Krabs joked. Hmm that wasn't very funny Mr K, but Lucas it would seem was in a very chatty mood as he explained he needed some big food so that he could think up big ideas for his upcoming movie; the Phantom Menace the first entry to the Star Wars prequel trilogy. "Prequel trilogy? I figured that was just a legend." Mr Krabs said sheepishly as George Lucas then decided to give ole Mr K the offer of a lifetime. He asked if Mr Krabs would like to provide food and nourishments for the production crew during filming. Naturally, Mr Krabs being something of a closeted Star Wars fan he decided to accept Lucas' offer with great applaud.
On set of The Phantom Menace, Mr Krabs was very annoying as he would try to boost moral among the junior production crew by entertaining them. His idea of entertainment was via using his eyes as skipping rope all the while acting like a coked up cheesecake. Mr Krabs was eventually pulled into a freezer by George Lucas who asked with a glare, "what do you think you're doing? You are making a mockery of me and my staff. I ought to send you away where you can't insult us with your horrid jokes." Mr Krabs looked Lucas dead in the eye as he said, "I got something that might interest you Mr Lucas." Reaching inside his ass pockets, Mr Krabs pulled out his own personal screenplay for the Phantom Menace. "Actually. I'm writing...." Lucas was cut off as Mr Krabs threw the screenplay at his chest which caused Lucas to gag in pain as Krabs had hidden a rugby ball inside. Hang on a tick, Rugby? Well I guess that explains Welsh Mr Krabs then, but whatever that doesn't really matter as George Lucas promised to read the screenplay that very evening. He really meant it, but that wasn't a really good thing as never in all his life had he ever read such a bad piece of writing. Mr Krabs' Star Wars film wasn't called Phantom Menace but was actually titled Trials Of A Jedi Part One, the story was about two Jedis Anakin Skywalker and Obi Wan Kenobi being tasked to see which one of them was the strongest in order to determine which one will become a Jedi Master. Darth Maul was not the villain, rather the villain was an evil crab captain named Kaptain Red Beard, whom Mr Krabs intended to be played by himself also he wanted Bruce Willis as Young Obi Wan Kenobi and Mel Gibson as Young Anakin Skywalker.
Another key problem regarding the screenplay written by Mr Krabs, was the fact that there were loads of training montages, overly long death scenes, and a subplot involving a Triad gangster who tails Obi Wan and Anakin to an alien planet which is home to mutant seals with feels. Ah! It was all coming together beautifully like a synagogue, as there was a subplot in the film about the fish finger hating old man we talked about earlier. So, as you can see it's all fitting together like a jigsaw puzzle you got at McDonald's back when Monopoly 64 was too much. Too much indeed. The script was so bad, and George Lucas looked horrified as he read through every page of it. Realising that Mr Krabs was clearly mentally not well, he ordered his security to evict Krabs off from the premises immediately. Mr Krabs was placed inside a large cannon like the ones they have in carnivals, and they used to shoot him all the way up to the moon which was shaped like Ian McKellen's face. Hmm. His screenplay was tossed into the fireplace, so Mr Krabs longed for vengeance against Lucas Arts, and he was determined to get it no matter what. He started by pulling harmless pranks on the company just as toilet papering George Lucas' mansion and sending pizza to the cast and crew of Phantom Menace which was laced with laxatives. Let's just say people should not have worn their white trousers to work that day, but that don't matter now.
Harmless pranks were all well enough, but there needed to be more of a kick to the system. To do this, Mr Krabs ordered his mole inside Lucas Art a mouse with a severe nose injury to relay any information that he could possibly use against George Lucas. The mouse eventually arranged a private meeting with Mr Krabs in a dodgy alleyway one evening and handed Mr Krabs one of the Jar Jar Binks Lollies the first one to ever have been produced as a matter of fact. Mr Krabs held the Lolly up to his nose and gave it a right good whiff which caused him to become green like Shrek's Dad as he said evilly, "I do believe we can use this to our advantage." Plotting with brother in arms Mr Triangle and The Minotaur, the latter of whom Krabs used as an unwitting scapegoat the trio convinced Mr Moneypenny to ban the Jar Jar Binks Lollies. Knowing that Moneypenny's reputation would prevent anyone from questioning the logistics behind the plan. Moneypenny was a very tasty red herring as he knew nothing about the trio's plans, but if he did oh man if he did. He would have stopped them with his bare hands. Once the story was finished, Mr Krabs gestured his eyes towards Mr Triangle who pressed a large red button which opened a secret passageway on the far side of the room. "Son of a gun." Dijon muttered like some kind of Comet as the passageway was filled with box after box of Jar Jar Binks Lollies. "Oh, my wickers!" I cried as I dived into the pile of boxes and came out from the boxes smiling an incredibly cheesy face as even cheesier music played in the background on a nearby boombox. Where's Mindy from the network when we need her?>
Suddenly, both Dijon and I realised that we had not been tied up like we were supposed to have been. Mr Krabs turned to the Minotaur and yelled, "you stupid prick!" He pulled out a golden revolver and shot the Minotaur killing him instantly. Huh not so tough after all eh Mincey? That is a bloody terrible nickname that is! With all due seriousness, if you didn't like Mincey was treated in this story then please consider donating to The Minotaur Trust Fund in Burbank. "Eugene what are you doing!?" Mr Triangle cried at the tippy top of his lungs, but that's when Mr Krabs pulled on a chain which hung from the ceiling as he said, "hello and goodbye." He yanked on the chain which caused Mr Triangle to let out a yelp as a trapdoor appeared beneath his feet. Mr Triangle floated in mid-air as he comically held up a sign which read, "Re-elect Jacobs." Now how could that be anything but a political statement? I licked my teeth wildly as Mr Triangle fell through the trapdoor. Mr Krabs expressed relief in Mr Triangle being gone, as he suspected Triangle to be an undercover cop even though there was no evidence to help back up this fact. One of the Russian gangsters from earlier handed Mr Krabs a large machete as he said in a rather stupid voice, "that's Phill's boy." Mr Krabs rolled his eyes as he stabbed the gangster in the chest with the machete killing him instantly. "Everybody is turning against me! We got us a mutiny on our hands. Even that stupid triangle knows better than to cheat a friend, but I know he is not a fool." Monty Python fan I see. Hang on, that line from Krabs has nothing to do with Monty Python. Well fuck shit farty butts.
Mr Krabs pulled out a little dinky kitchen knife and smiled sinisterly as he made his way towards me. "For a second there, I mistook you for a threat, but you're just a dirty little man." Mr Krabs joked as he held the knife by my jugular vein as he said, "so long shrimp." I closed my eyes braising for impact, but it never came as the passageway or rather a second passageway opened to reveal George Lucas, Mr Triangle, and a professor holding a book of answers for an incredibly complex mathematics exam. Mr Triangle then revealed the professor wanted the funnypasta set next door, which was The Test That Never Was But Then Was. Cross funnypasta jokes? Hey, you know the rules and so do I; never cross the memes and never cross the funnypastas. It's just not done that way. Mr Krabs lobbed the machete right at George Lucas' chest, but that's when we got a classic fake out death scene, but both Dijon and I knew he was not dead as he eyed with the smuggest smug grin that you'd ever see. Calm down George you're not Shrek! Mr Krabs started gloating, but that's when George Lucas appeared behind him holding the machete as he said, "you should have gone for the head." "Oh shit." Mr Krabs muttered as he was picked up by George Lucas who threw him down onto the ground.
Not wanting to be killed, Mr Krabs begged for his life and start sobbing from his eyes into his mouth. Not really sure how that works, but whatever just roll with it. Roll with it like you roll with the croc. That is still really dangerous Sonny Jim. Mr Krabs in a last-ditch attempt to save his life, tried to pin the blame over onto the pig slaves. "It was the Pig Slaves. They are the enemy." Mr Krab admitted. George Lucas pulled an "are you serious," kind of face as he gestured his eyes towards Dijon who was on the far side of the room holding onto some kind of rope. Dijon was smiling an incredibly grin which made me rather uncomfortable. Dijon pulled on the rope as a fucking third secret passageway opened up to reveal an army of angry pig slaves. They charged towards Mr Krabs and beat the snot out of him. They didn't kill him however, as in spite of their brutality, the pig slaves are no murderers. They're not that sick. George Lucas held out his hand and helped me off from the ground. Then as if by magic and with a tip of a hat, Lucas suddenly grew wings out from his back as he picked me, Dijon, and Cinco Paul up in a massive jellyfishing net. We all flew towards the sunset where we narrowly avoided running into a massive bird who was taking Mr Uppity to a flying hammock as a reward for saying, "thank you." What would have happened to Uppity if he had said, "fuck you," well let's just say cockroaches are quite nasty especially on Mondays. Wink.
Returning home, everything began to get sorted out as quickly as a candle goes out. The following morning at the ass crack of dawn, Dijon and I accompanied George Lucas to a meeting with Mr Moneypenny at the beach house where he was throwing a BBQ. He was planning on throwing one last shindig before the beach house was demolished in order to make way for his brand new hotel. We had a lovely evening there at the beach house, with us finishing the night off by having a game of Monopoly the game said to be based on Mr Moneypenny's own life. Mr Moneypenny revealed to me that he had actually been asked to serve as the spokesman for the Monopoly brand, but he turned the offer down with contempt for reasons unknown. According to Moneypenny, his reasons had something to do with the streetlights not working over in Drouser Station. Ah Drouser Station that takes me back. My wife and I met at a Burger King near there, but that's another story. Quite a funny story too as it involves a gang of dancing monks begging me to share my Mars bar with them, but I told them, "nac oes." To this day, I am banned from ever entering a church and I think this may have been the cause. Oh, dear once again I must ask; how could I ever have been so stupid. After morning came, Mr Moneypenny attended a meeting with his associates on the round table, but he decided not to sell the beach house at the last minute, but don't worry your beautiful head as he was still able to build his hotel in the parking lot next door to the beach house.
During the shindig, George Lucas had explained the situation involving the Jar Jar Binks Lollies over to Mr Moneypenny, and once it was all explained to him he happily allowed for the product to return to store shelves well... until Attack Of The Clones came out that is, but that's a story for another day. Nope not going to do it... oh okay but just this once. Stay another stay another day! Moneypenny took me and my friends including George Lucas and Cinco Paul out to eat at Patsy's, but this time he actually paid for the food, and he explained to me the reason why he hadn't paid for the food last time was because he had left his wallet in the trunk of his diamond coated Rolls Royce. He has a car for each and every day of the week, but what comes as standard? Standard hmmmmmmmmmm. Moneypenny took a sip from a glass of scotch pre-war as he asked, "any big plans for the Summer?" "Dude Summer ended like a month ago." I said as I bit into a crust of bread dipped in grey stuff. Try the grey stuff it's delicious! "I got a little present for you my little chestnut." Mr Moneypenny said as Jules the waiter from earlier remember that appeared in my line of sight and handed me a Jar Jar Binks Lolly. "For me?" I asked in a very weird voice which caused Jules to roll his eyes as he asked, "are you having stroke?" I gave the Lolly a right good lick giggity as my eyes watered and I coughed out some blood and said, "well that was disappointing." Everyone laughed as Mr Moneypenny felt a song coming on. We spent the rest of the morning singing sea shanties to our heart's content. I know those Jar Jar Binks Lollies may not taste the best, but trust me the story of how I stopped them from being unrightfully pulled off from store shelves is a story that I shall cherish for the rest of my life, and I really do mean that. Goodbye for now, but the next time you watch Phantom Menace or any Star Wars movie for that matter you make sure you get yourself a Jar Jar Binks Lolly. Otherwise, well look out! I mean really...okay bye!
Credited to Bruno Tattagllia
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