A large and ferocious spider spends its days living in my toilet bowl

I recently moved to a new town after receiving a job offer I could not refuse. My wife and kids are following soon, but I have to settle in to the new place so things are ready for them when the time comes. Everything about the house, town and job seems fine, almost too fine. I got a real good offer on the place, I don't know why. I never got to meet the previous owner because they had apparently been eaten by a spider that lives in the toilet.

"Is the spider still there?" I asked the realtor.

"Well, yes and no. The spider, we call him George, only spends the days there. So if you need to use the facilities, best make doo-doo at night."

"Hmm, inconvenient, but at this price, who am I to argue."

"Exactly."

"Where does the spider go at night?"

"We don't know where George goes at night. We consider it impolite to ask. But yeah, don't take a shit during the day, or he will kill and eat you."

"Sure."

At first things went along just fine. I would smile and wave to the spider as I brushed my teeth and he would smile and wave back. It was a mild inconvenience to hold in a turd until I got to work, but better than having the spider inject me with venom through its long, visible fangs and then slowly being pre-ingested from the inside and sucked dry like a frube. Yeah, everything was going ok. I'd actually even started having an affair with a very attractive woman who I worked along side. This was a bit of a shitty thing to do, considering I had a wife and kids, but I figured my life could do with some spicing up. The spider was something, but everything else felt a bit too plain for my narrative.

"Spider, where do you go at night?" I asked the spider one day.

"Please, call me George." Replied the spider. "And I'd rather not answer, that's a private matter and I am a private individual."

"Ok, spider. You do you."

One day my wife called whilst I was having sex with the attractive lady from my new job. I took the call because it seemed like the right thing to do, but this irritated the lady I was having an affair with. She got up out of bed in a huff and went to the toilet. I was deep in conversation with my wife and wasn't thinking about the possible consequences, having never mentioned to my love affair the fact that during the day a spider liked to sit in my toilet bowl and consume anyone who happened to use it. Oh well, I thought, as the idea finally crossed my mind, the spider is pretty large and seems friendly, no doubt Karen, that's the woman I'm sleeping with, will see him before sitting down and think twice about relieving herself.

And she did, thank God.

"George seems nice." Said Karen as she came back in to the bedroom.

"Who is George?" I asked.

"The spider that lives inside your toilet bowl."

"Oh, him. Yeah he's a good guy, but try not to use the facilities when he's there as he gets quite antsy."

"Ok."

"Did he mention where he goes at night?"

"No, that didn't come up."

Another week later and it was finally time for my family to move in. I hadn't seen them in a long time and I was really looking forward to it. Everything was ready for them. The kids could go to school and my wife could settle in doing whatever it is she does while I go to work. My affair with Karen continued. Although dishonest, I had found a capability in me to love two women at the same time. I had talked it through with the spider and he said he understood where I was coming from as Karen was very attractive, and so I didn't feel so bad.

"Karen, we can't have dinner or sex tonight as my wife and children are flying in. I have to finish early to let them into the house."

"That's fine." Said Karen. "Have you told them about George?"

"No. Who is George?"

"The spider who lives inside your toilet bowl and eats people. It is there during the day but you don't know where he goes at night."

"Ah, shucks. No, I think I neglected to mention that."

When I got to the house, my life, that had been going so well, took a turn for the worse, as it turns out my wife had received a key from the local estate agent and let herself in. After the long flight they had taken, my wife and kids had all been bursting for the toilet, to do a wee, or a poo maybe, and, not knowing about the spider that lived in the toilet bowl, had gone about their business and been killed and eaten one by one.

"What did you do that for, man?" I asked the spider.

"You always call me 'man' or 'buddy'. My name is George. Please remember that or I'm going to begin to take offence."

"Whatever dude. My life was going really well up to this point and you just killed and ate my family."

"It's what I do. That's why I'm here."

"Not cool, man. Not cool. Things were going great."

---

Credited to koalazeus 

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