American President Theory
This is a fictional joke story written by DaveTheUseless
Do you ever wonder why some really questionable people run for President, while some more obviously qualified potential candidates don't? This particular election cycle, 17 Republicans ran, along with several Democrats. Concerning those Dems in particular: only 3 had any name recognition at all, and only 2 of them managed to win a state or more.
There are two particular possibilities for this. One is that the front-runner, Hillary Clinton, was so popular and powerful that almost nobody would be willing to run against her. It seems like that particular hypothesis can be tossed out however, because her favorability ratings are catastrophically low. As for the other, much more likely possibility...
You know, a lot of people say that elections are fixed. That there are massive corporate entities that decide who really wins or loses, and at the end of the day, you're left with someone who's as in favor of the people as a carnivorous wolf is in favor of assisting sheep. With that in mind, we need to ask ourselves: why is it this way, and how does this system sustain itself?
All tall tales of templars and assassins aside, it seems that people aren't capable of sustaining long-term collaboration with one another. Someone gets too greedy, or someone else gets lost along the way because they didn't keep up with the desires of those in charge of the effort. This is a fault of man, though perhaps it protects us at times from getting into more serious trouble than we already do. Even though we've heard many stories of people like the Rothschild family manipulating the state of world affairs, one has to wonder at what point would even that family have a managerial crisis of some sort. Are you exactly like your brother, your sister, your mother, or your father? Probably not.
At this point, you may have some idea what I'm getting at. Since I dismissed the idea of the front-running candidate being so popular that no one would want to run against her, and I've disputed the notion that corporate interests are pulling puppet strings that result in our candidates being chosen for us... then I am clearly suggesting a third alternative that is being largely ignored.
I'll provide you with my answer, but first, I'll ask another question: who is Martin O'Malley?
He was the Mayor of Baltimore. Governor of Maryland. In-charge of the Democratic Governors Association. All of this gave him a minor sense of name recognition, but there was still a mystique about him that prevented him from ever pulling more than a percent or two in any state. How could this be possible for a politician who goes on late night television, plays the electric guitar, and has beach photos disseminated of his muscle-bound physique? Certainly, someone like him should have won more votes against a candidate with unfavorables as high as Clinton's, and against another candidate who, love him or not, was socialistic and therefore would be heavily embraced by some voters while just as forcibly opposed by others. Clearly, there's something wrong with this picture. How was O'Malley not more successful at the ballot box?
Some might point out that there was civil unrest in Maryland, but this occurred after O'Malley was Governor. Others might mention that O'Malley raised taxes while he was the Mayor of Baltimore, but it isn't unusual for mayors of major cities to raise taxes--in fact, it is often more likely that they will raise taxes than cut them. Finally, someone might mention that O'Malley was once close to the Clintons, but so is Republican candidate Donald Trump, who has been a vocal supporter of the Clinton family's political ambitions in the past. Thus, all three reasons why O'Malley didn't catch on are immediately dismissible.
With all that said, every great puzzle holds an answer somewhere. Whether we're solving a dollar store jigsaw or trying to reconcile quantum mechanics with general relativity, there always is a solution. If there wasn't one, then there wouldn't be a problem to begin with: such is law of the universe, and therefore, one that directly applies to United States politics.
You see... in the case of Martin O'Malley, there was always something 'different' about him. It wasn't that he came off as mean-spirited or otherwise dislikable, but it always felt like something wasn't entirely 'there'. Almost as if there was something... 'alien' about him. My theory is that there's a very powerful reason for that: you see, remember when I said that people aren't capable of sustaining long-term collaborations with one another?
That's right.
I'm saying that he's not of this Earth.
He... is an alien.
So, how do we end up with the Richard Nixons and Donald Trumps of this world? How do we reach the abysmal lows of the Monica Lewinsky affair, Watergate, and the Iraq War? It's actually very simple: very faulty people have been running for President, getting nominated, and winning the Presidency, because the other side doesn't understand people well enough to get elected. Ross Perot? Alien. Michael Dukakis? Obviously alien. Martin O' Malley? Right. It's just as I said earlier.
O'Malley's actual name might be a lengthy serial number, or maybe he's known as 'Kelgar, King of Reptilians.' What do I know? The fact of the matter is that I don't know, and beyond his positions, we didn't know much about him because he's not from here. Notice that Perot and Dukakis have stopped chiming in on politics very often, too. There's a reason for that: they went back to their true homes, and only occasionally show up here again to keep the whole charade going. When you have faster than light travel, it's easy to return to our ocean blue and grass green oblate spheroid, express a casual little remark that won't register with too many, and then head back to your real home far off in some distant galaxy where you can unzip your flesh suit and live in remorse that--no matter how hard you tried--you couldn't keep the petty, war-torn, xenophobic earthlings from coming yet another step closer to their total annihilation.
Shall we play a game? It seems so, but only because we don't allow the intergalactic peacemakers to take us higher, to their place far off into the distant cosmos.
Now do you see?
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