An Espresso Too Far
Why hello again my buckos! You really need to learn how to knock ya know? As you know, I'm Buckie O'Buck Neil, and I'm back again to tell you a story. Today's story is all about a knight, and the lengths he went to in order to maintain a cup of Café Espresso. Café Espresso for those of you who don't know is a coffee making method of Italian origin, in which a small amount of nearly boiling water is forced under pressure through finely-ground coffee beans. Loads of people love Espresso however this one knight loved it so much that he wouldn't stop at anything until he got some of it. Here is the story of Sir Clooney the little Knight who only wanted a cup of Espresso.
It all started when Sir Clooney defeated a dragon up in Granit Pass. After defeating the dragon, Sir Clooney was brought forward to the Queen of Granit City: Queen Marzipan. Queen Marzipan congratulated Sir Clooney profusely for his efforts, and then said that since the knight saved the kingdom she wanted to know what he desired. After being asked that, Clooney stared at the wall for an incredibly uncomfortable amount of time. He eventually turned around, and began walking out of the castle. "Where are you going? Good lord! Good knight where are you going?" Queen Marzipan asked but it was far too late for Sir Clooney had already disappeared completely. "Well that's never happened before." Queen Marzipan muttered as she began playing Shrek 2 on Xbox with her royal subjects.
Sir Clooney made his way out of the castle, and headed to the nearby airport. At the airport, Clooney caught a plane to London which is where he believed all his Espresso needs were going to be solved. Oh how wrong he was. While in London, Clooney did some sight seeing before paying a visit to the local Nespresso Café only to find to his shock and horror that it had been closed down.
Sir Clooney then decided that he needed to ask someone about what was going on. "Whoa what's going on here?" Sir Clooney asked an incredibly uptight businessman who was moving things into the store. The uptight businessman slapped Clooney across the face before saying, "Didn't ya hear the news boyio?" The man asked before continuing with, "this store along with all other Nespresso stores in London are being closed on the orders of Boris Johnson." "What why?" Sir Clooney asked to which the man responded with, "I dunno. Something to do with the stock market or something." "I really need an Espresso!" Sir Clooney cried at the top of his lungs to which the man responded, "well too bad!" Sir Clooney then proceeded to stab the man right in the chest with his sword. Before dying, the man in his dying breaths revealed to Clooney that there was an Nespresso store up in Bristol which was still open.
After the man was killed, Clooney caught a bus to Bristol. While on the bus, Clooney was unable to get a seat due to an incredibly rude and fat lady refusing to let him sit by her. He ended up standing the entire way, and laughed a mighty laugh after the bus driver got his hat stolen by a ugly shrew. Arriving in Bristol, Sir Clooney began making his way towards the Nespresso store only to get side-tracked when he saw a sign posted outside of the local vegan house. The sign read, "buy our brand new Gaston Soup and you'll get a free cup of Espresso." This was an offer to good to pass up.
Upon entering the vegan house, Sir Clooney eyed one beautiful sight. A massive Nespresso machine sat right on top of the counter on the far side of the room. This could be his chance. Clooney made his way up to the machine as everything began to seem like it was in slow motion. Upon reaching the machine, Clooney went to go grab a cup only to get grabbed by some incredibly smelly people who were close friends of the owner: Gaston. They then proceeded to lift Sir Clooney up into the air, and then brought him all the way up to Gaston's face. "No one drinks Espresso like Gaston. Hates knights like Gaston. No one's as incredibly eggy as Gaston." Sir Clooney was then promptly thrown out of the vegan house after finding out that the house had a strict no armour policy, and Sir Clooney was not prepared in the slightest to take his armour off. I'll tell em babe man's not hot! Get it?
Anyways, Sir Clooney then began making his way through the streets of Bristol moping to himself about the vegan house fiasco. He couldn't find that Nespresso store anywhere, and eventually came to the conclusion that the rude man from earlier had lied to him. Thinking quickly, Clooney made his way to the local Tesco's which claimed to have an everlasting supply of Espresso. Little did Clooney know however that his problems were only beginning, and they were just about to get worse.
At Tesco's, Sir Clooney was getting very irritable due to the fact that he had to wait in an incredibly long line. The security guard took an incredibly long time to let people in due to the fact that he was looking for a talent agent. The guard's name was Moro and he was desperate to become an actor. Back in high school, Moro was the school's number one football player, and now he works at Tesco's. How the mighty have fallen. Of course you know all about Moro and his struggles to become an actor if you've got the Oliver Charles/Bruno Tattagllia funnypasta guide. It's a quite load. Can you handle that?
Sorry for that incredibly long tangent, I just like talking about Moro. Anyways, Sir Clooney eventually managed to make his way inside the store, and headed to the coffee aisle. The aisle was recently built on the orders of Mr Parks who had noticed the amount of coffee drinkers in the area had risen drastically In recent years. To Sir Clooney's utter shock and horror; there was no Espresso! "No!" Sir Clooney cried as he fell to the floor in defeat. That was of course until he noticed that Captain Kiddie had gotten the last box. Captain Kiddie much like Sir Clooney was a struggling addict to Espresso. Kiddie's addiction to Espresso has caused great friction between him and his first mate Squawk.
Sir Clooney began chasing after Kiddie in an attempt to steal his Espresso. Clooney chased Kiddie through the entire store causing several aisles to crash onto the floor in the process. Eventually, the pair were caught by Lickboot the co-owner of Tesco. Lickboot was Mr Parks' only real friend. Lickboot threw Clooney and Keddie out of the store. He then went on to make them pay for all the damages they had caused to the store. "We've got to have... money!" Lickboot proclaimed evilly as he began sniffing some dollar bills which Clooney had given to him. Clooney then proceeded to ask Lickboot if he knew of any shops nearby which sold Espresso. "In London no but I heard there was a shop selling Espresso up in Walnut Pass." Lickboot explained as Sir Clooney began running down the roads in order to catch a cab to Walnut Pass.
Captain Kiddie meanwhile stole one of Lickboot's shopping carts, and used it to race down the roads. He was going to get the Espresso before Sir Clooney did. "Oh dear Mr Parks will have me sleeping out in the cold, cold, cold for this." Lickboot muttered as he started chasing after Kiddie but he failed miserably in trying to do so.
Sir Clooney eventually reached a very pleasant countryside area which was located outside of the city. Well it was pleasant; until Clooney quickly learned a large strict lockdown measure had been placed on the road going into Walnut Pass. The lockdown had been enforced by General R. Asquith who had been ordered by Boris Johnson to install the lockdown in order to prevent people from complaining about the dangers of speedbumps. Whatever that means. Anyways, Clooney tried his best to make his way through the border only to get stopped by one of the soldiers named Dominic. Sir Clooney pulled an incredibly wicked face before asking, "you gonna let me through or nah?" "Heck no!" Dominic yelled before continuing with, "General Asquith has ordered me to keep a constant eye out in order to make sure that people don't go to Walnut Pass. Asquith's busy settling some problems up in South Africa. He put me in charge, so ain't nobody getting through here without an invitation,"
Sir Clooney decided that enough was enough, and ended up running straight through the border knocking Dominic down onto the floor in the process. While trying to get up, Dominic was then ran over by Captain Kiddie who was busy still riding his shopping kart down the road. Dominic then sighed a small sigh for he was going to have call an angry General Asquith about the situation. Oh poor Dominic.
Sir Clooney eventually decided to save time on his travels to Walnut Pass by taking a scenic route through Northwestern Medical School. At the medical school, Clooney made his way through the deserted halls in a desperate search for the backdoor. On his travels, Clooney was intercepted by Dwayne Pryce a highly respected Northwestern alumni who somehow mistook Sir Clooney for being one of his students. "Ah Richard! I was just talking about you! Oh hey surprise I'm on your oral exam board." Dwayne then forced Sir Clooney to go inside a smelly office to meet with some very important Northwestern alumni.
In the office, Clooney was introduced to Dwayne's cohorts one of these doctors being Gareth Smellnick. "This interview isn't something of a formality. We just want to get to know you better." One of the doctors said while patting Clooney's stomach. Sir Clooney then proceeded to ask the doctors if they had any Espresso in the office. "Nope but we got the next best thing." Dwayne said as he handed Clooney a boiling hot cup of spicy pepper tea. Clooney drank the tea down, and immediately began gagging violently. Clooney then began vomiting all over the place. "Oh my God!" Dwayne cried as Clooney continued vomiting for a good ten minutes. Dwayne and the other doctors didn't bother to help Clooney, and just stared at him in disgust and sadness. Dwayne looked really sad, and began sobbing into a nearby McDonalds brand tissue.
After recovering from the vomiting ordeal, Sir Clooney made his way outside of Northwestern Medical School, and caught a cab to Walnut Pass. Why hadn't he bothered to take that cab earlier? I haven't got a fricking Scooby Doo. No Siree I don't! Anyways, Clooney arrived at Walnut Pass where he eventually reached the Espresso shop only to find that Captain Kiddie had already beaten him there. Clooney learned from Kiddie that the shop was no longer permitted to sell Espresso due to a law placed on the shop by the city of Kent or something like that. I don't even really know to be honest.
Sir Clooney and Captain Kiddie had themselves a beer at the local pub where they both whined about not being able to have any Espresso. As luck as would have it, a old pensioner who was drinking in the booth behind Clooney and Kiddie happened to hear their plight, and couldn't help but offer a solution to the pair's problem. "If it's Espresso you desire boys I may have a solution." The man said to which Sir Clooney asked, "really and what is that?"
The old man then proceeded to explain to Sir Clooney and Captain Kiddie that on top of Caramel Mountain lies the river of Espresso. It was originally the river of caramel but was changed for unknown reasons. I think it had something to do with the stock market. The old man who refused to reveal his name offered to help the pair reach the top of the mountain. Sir Clooney and Captain Kiddie decided to put aside their previous rivalry and take up the old man's offer. Little did the pair know however; was that the old man was actually a spy for Doctor Applecheeks.
Doctor Applecheeks was a notorious pet store owner who had made his bones working as an executioner for Kenny Petrovic. Applecheeks received a tip off rom the old man regarding the mountain's locations. Doctor Applecheeks much like Sir Clooney and Captain Kiddie; was hopelessly searching for a cup of Espresso. Maybe even just a crust of bread. No crust of bread for those in need. No cheese for these mices. Applecheeks had his two Mexican wrestler henchmen drive him towards the mountain. He was however unfortunately thrown out of the truck after he refused to give his friends any of the Espresso they found. Dr Applecheeks needed a new mode of transportation, and eventually settled upon an ice cream cart which had parked across the street from him. He creepily made his way towards the ice cream kart pulling an even wicker evil smirk as he did so.
Meanwhile, Sir Clooney and Captain Kiddie had made their way to rural Birkland which is where the old man claimed Caramel Mountain was located. The group eventually reached Caramel Mountain which was located in very rural and smelly Birkland. The mountain was huge and very dangerous looking so Sir Clooney asked the old man if he had brought any mountaineering equipment with him. "Ah get up there! I'll see you at the top." The old man said as he hopped onto a small helicopter which had Globox hanging off the side of it. No joke he was legit hanging off the side of the helicopter. It was kind of comical in a weird way as it made the helicopter become incredibly lopsided.
I guess at this point I should also explain why Sir Clooney and Captain Kiddie were now working together even they quite clearly previously couldn't stand each other. Well it all happened right after the incident at Walnut Pass, the pair came across a singing smelly dog named Bugsy and his obnoxious flea named Frankie. "They got to learn to be pals or they ain't gonna make it out here!" Bugsy said to Frankie. And with that, Sir Clooney and Captain Kiddie were forced to sing about how they don't enjoy hating each other and how they enjoy being friends. "The greatest thing in life's a friend. It's a greatness that never ends." The pair sang while Bugsy and Frankie egged them in the background.
Bugsy had a dark back story. He grew up in the slums of Russia where he fell in with some gangsters operating in the area. He helped smuggle cigars for them, and made a living selling cigars to tourists and hardened criminals in Red Square. In 2007, Bugsy accidentally got two customers killed after giving them a rather cheesy cigar. After this incident, Bugsy fell into a deep depression, and stay secluded in his bed chamber for six days. He then left a changed dog. That's just beautiful in my opinion. Bugsy then moved to Walnut Pass where he met a flea named Frankie who helped Bugsy cope with his sadness by getting Bugsy a record contract with Jeepers Media. This was somehow able to cure Bugsy of his sadness. For whatever reason. Wow sorry about that incredibly massive tangent, anyways after the song from Bugsy and Frankie, Sir Clooney and Captain Kiddie decided to put aside their differences, and become friends.
Ahem, anyways, Sir Clooney on Captain Kiddie's suggestion decided to focus on his toe as the pair began making their way up Caramel Mountain. Meanwhile, Doctor Applecheeks was hot on their tail as was the Mexican wrestlers from earlier. Not long after, Applecheeks and the wrestlers also arrived at the mountain and began their climb towards the top as well.
The climb towards the top of Caramel Mountain was very slow and painful to say the very least. It certainly was a hard worthy task if I may say so myself. Thankfully, every time Sir Clooney and Captain Kiddie fell off the mountain; they would be picked up again by Globox in the helicopter. "Are we at the doctors yet?" Globox asked as he was addicted to chewits like so many before him. After many trials and tribulations, Sir Clooney and Captain Kiddie eventually reached the floors of trial. The floors of trial were the ultimate tests that only a true Espresso fan would be able to get through alive. There were a total of four floors to get through so the pair made their way into floor number one.
On Floor 1, the pair had to eat a large plate full of jam doughnuts. This might not sound so bad but this if course until you realise that Sir Clooney and Captain Kiddie are both seriously allergic to jam doughnuts so this incident in a way very nearly killed them. However, we don't have time to dwell on that.
On Floor 2, Sir Clooney was forced to go on a hour long seminar with Mayor Rodney Dangerfield. Mayor Rodney Dangerfield is the Mayor of Birkland, and is known to make horrible one liners which are just so damn terrible. For example, Clooney and Mayor Dangerfield walked pass some gingerbread teeth with Dangerfield remarking, "oh this reminds me I need see my dentist!" The whole point of the seminar was to make it through the entire hour without losing your patience with Mayor Rodney Dangerfield. Also, Captain Kiddie didn't do anything for this part, and just sat on his ass playing on his Nintendo Switch. The rude carrot onion!
So after an incredibly boring seminar, Clooney and Kiddie arrived at Floor 3. On Floor 3, the pair were forced to sing the Welsh National Anthem. They were so fricking terrible at singing it, but for some reason they managed to pass the test anyway, And with that, they finally reached the fourth and final floor.
On Floor 4, the challenge was to simply count your friends. Only joking readers; no the real challenge was to get pass Tom the Tank person who acted as the one and only security guard for Caramel Mountain. As the only security guard, Tom had been trained extensively to not get distracted by anything, Especially from a weird knight and his smelly somewhat demented pirate friend. The pair were however able to get pass Tom however by simply walking past him. Yeah no joke, that's literally all they did to get past him. Some security guard he was! "No wait don't go!" Tom cried but it was too late as the pair had already left him to wollow in his own self pity.
Sir Clooney and Captain Kiddie then reached the very top of Caramel Mountain. Now what Clooney found confusing was that there was a massive ferris wheel located on top of the mountain just by the river of Espresso. That's when Captain Kiddie revealed his true nature to Sir Clooney as the two Mexican wrestlers appeared by his side. Captain Kiddie had been working for the pair the entire time, and all three of them were in allinace to the old man. Captain Kiddie then had Sir Clooney tied to the Ferris wheel which lifted him high up into the sky.
Captain Kiddie then proceeded to explain that the old man whose real name was Jarvis had paid Kiddie a lot of money to help lure the knight into a trap. For you see; Kiddie had feigned his desire for Espresso, and was only pretending in order to get Clooney's approval. In reality, Kiddie hated Espresso, and was more of a tea drinker personally. Nothing wrong with that dear but whatever. He then explained to Clooney that Jarvis wanted Clooney dead for killing his pet dragon Moto Noto.
Jarvis then appeared from behind Captain Kiddie having being lifted up by the helicopter. He then proceeded to grab Kiddie by the neck who cried, "great wobbling waffles! You and me we're partners now right?" "I didn't work this hard to share the spoils of a victory!" Jarvis proclaimed evilly as he proceeded to throw Kiddie off the mountain. While falling, Captain Kiddie cried, "pray for me Argentina!" Argentina was Kiddie's long lost love. He had lost his chance with Argentine after his love for performing and puppetry took complete control of his life.
With Captain Kiddie dead, Jarvis then proceeded to order the two wrestlers to release Sir Clooney. Sir Clooney was let off the Ferris wheel, and asked, "why'd you save me?" "I want you to see the river of Espresso, and die knowing that I have taken it away from you!" Jarvis explained as he had Sir Clooney follow him towards the Espresso river which was located on the other side of the mountain.
Sir Clooney and Jarvis eventually reached the river of Espresso where a fellow knight was waiting for them. He sat above the river bank, and said, "only the purest of Espresso fans are entitled to drink from my river." One by one, Sir Clooney's enemies went and tried the Espresso river. The wrestlers both burned into a crisp after drinking the Espresso when the turn finally came to Jarvis.
Jarvis took one big sip, and ended up turning even older and looked really smelly. "Oh sonny squeeze me." Jarvis said and with that he crumbled into dust. "They had chosen poorly." The knight remarked as Sir Clooney took a sip from the river, and sighed a small sigh. Clooney then proceeded to rub his head for an uncomfortable amount of time, and realised that he was okay. "You have chosen wisely." The knight said as he handed Clooney was a small glass cup to help scoop up some Espresso with.
Sir Clooney made one huge cup full before making his way but not before thanking the Knight who responded by giving Clooney the middle finger. Sir Clooney made his way down the mountain with his cup of Espresso not caring about a thing in the world. He eventually reached the very bottom of the mountain where he saw that Doctor Applecheeks had taken a wrong turn, and was busy riding his ice cream kart up near New Bordeaux.
And so after many trials and tribulations, Sir Clooney finally returned to the castle up in Granit Pass where he presnted the cup of Espresso to Queen Marzipan. "Tis all I desire!" Sir Clooney proclaimed at the very top of his lungs as Queen Marzipan asked, "did you bring enough for the whole kingdom?" "Oh buggering buggerton." Sir Clooney muttered as he began making his way out of the castle. "Oh for goodness sakes." Queen Marzipan muttered to herself as began playing Shrek 2 on Xbox again with her subjects.
And so with that, Sir Clooney began making his way back to Caramel Mountain. Will he succeed in getting some Espresso for Queen Marzipan and her subjects? Will he learn what it means to be a knight? Will he be able to buy that small floral shop once ran by an abusive fox who attempted to extort money from the church? Who know?! I certainly don't!
Now some say that the dear knight is still walking to this very day. Still looking for a cup of Espresso. This is weird since he clearly knows where Caramel Mountain is but whatever I digress. So my friends; if you ever see a knight walking through the streets in search for a cup of Espresso. Just remember this story. Give that knight what he rightfully deserves. A nice hot cup of Espresso. Mm now if you'll excuse me readers I'm off to make myself a drink. Ooh yeah a nice hot drink.... OF TEA!
Originally on Geoshea's Lost Episodes Wiki
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