Arachnids Among Us
Look at those nouns having a picnic let's describe them! Oh my wickers! You know something? You really do need to learn how to knock my dearest companion. Good manners cost nothing ya know? Anyways, that's not important right now for I got a little story to tell you all today. Would you like it? Yes? I'm glad. Now this is a story all about spiders and one man's quest to conquer his fear of them. That man of course being Harris; the biggest arachnophobe in the whole entire world! I really do mean that. There is not a single other person on this planet who can possibly hate spiders more than Harris does. Even President Jesus Quesadilla isn't scared of spiders as he knows of their building skills. President Quesadilla by offering to let the spiders play some Shrek 2 on Xbox has convinced the spiders to help with building his presidential palace. Spiders are indeed incredibly important for our society, and if you have a fear of spiders perhaps it's best that you remember that every once and awhile. For spiders are perhaps the most important animals in our entire eco system, but alas you didn't hear that from me okay? Spiders can be very useful to you if you have a problem with bugs such as mosquitos and flies. Spiders eat those little buggers like it's nothing. Fucking mosquitos no one likes them anyway and the same can most certainly be said about flies. Mosquitos and flies.. mmhmm now there's some real evil in those two little buggers. So why is that spiders get the bad rep? Well perhaps it's time we put an end to this spider hating propaganda as I tell you the story of how Harris came to learn that perhaps spiders are not so bad after all.
Harris and his fear of spiders is known to everyone including yours truly. I'm sure you're also already well aware of Harris' serious arachnophobia if you've been reading the Oliver Charles/Bruno Tattagllia funnypasta guide like my dearest mentor Buckie O'Buck Neil had instructed you to do. What you haven't been reading it? Then you must paint my house before sundown! Actually! No don't do that for we've got biggest fish to fry or shall I say bigger spiders to fly! Ha ha get it? Gosh I'm such a bastard of a chicken nugget I really am! Now, Harris in spite of what the papers may claim is not a stupid man. No my friends; Harris is merely a very egotistical one. Harris has tried getting help for his fear of spiders time after time by attending therapy with Doctor Carrot. Sadly, Doctor Carrot's attempt at exposure therapy shall we say... didn't nothing to help Harris. Although initially after leaving the therapy session, Harris felt completely cured of his arachnophobia but that was of course until he accidentally dunked the monk. And by that I mean; he ran into a tarantula on his way home. The tarantula waved at Harris and greeted him with, "well howdy do!" Harris then proceeded to run down the streets crying all the way home like a little girl. Upon getting home, Harris flopped down on his couch as he wondered how long will this charade of being scared of spiders go on for? He must learn to love the spiders or else the whole country is done for! Of course perhaps the opposite approach could be used to his advantage. Harris sipped on his nightly cup of tea as he pondered a ponder about if there maybe someone else in this insane world of ours who just so happens to hate spiders just as much as Harris does. "That's it I've got it!" Harris proclaimed happily as he leaped out from his couch which of course caused the hot sweet tea to get all over Harris' suit. Poor old Harris! Harris pulled out the Yellow Pages, and scanned through it. He knew just who to see! He needed to see The Spider Haters Alliance.
The Spider Haters Alliance are an alliance... DUH! No but in all due seriousness; they are an alliance of some of the richest and most powerful people in Great Britain who have come together to form a battle against spiders. The Alliance are led by a man named Martin Stone who owns a huge oil field up near Granit Pass. Martin often tells stories to his subordinates which have nothing to do with spiders. Sadly, none of the subordinates can speak up about it as Martin Stone is an incredibly dangerous man who once used a shotgun in order to threaten a leprechaun to strip for him. Martin Stone used to control this gang called The Mint Crime Syndicate who control the mint trade. No one is quite sure how exactly it happened, but Martin lost control over his Syndicate to a man with a fucking Trebor Mint for his head. Martin then spent the next few years living in the forest where he was looked after by the stupidest gorilla you ever did see. You may think that the gorilla could be the key to Martin Stone's redemption, but sadly you couldn't be any further from the truth as Martin's gorilla caretaker got garrotted by Clayton. Clayton had wanted to have Martin Stone killed too, and he wanted to place the great Martin Stone's head on the wall above his master fireplace. The murder of his gorilla caretaker had changed him, and Martin Stone lost the humble side to his personality which he had obtained while living in the forest, and became the cruel vindictive man we all know and hate today.
Catching a cab back to London, Martin using some stashed millions he had kept from his days of running the Mint Crime Syndicate was able to buy an old abandoned old people's home in Granit Pass. He converted the old people's home into a headquarters for his new and improved Spider Haters Alliance. Though they may pretend to whenever he's around; in reality none of Martin Stone's subordinates have any respect for him and belittle him constantly behind his driver. Even Martin Stone's loyal chauffeur Rude McBrude hates his guts. During a scenic drive through the city one lovely afternoon, Martin asked for the driver to pull up outside the local Tesco's which caused Rude to whine; "bloody hell what's the matter now!?" Needless to say; Rude McBrude didn't last very long in his job as he was fired not long after. He was also probably fired for having a nose like a Turkish garden hose. Martin Stone hates Turkish garden hoses as they remind him of a horse he once knew. The horse may look happy but it's addicted to crack. So the papers were true then weren't they my little pork bun? Now, Martin Stone and the rest of The Spider Haters Alliance pledge to wipe out all of the spiders on Earth... or at least that's what Harris had been to believe anyway. As it turns out however, Harris had a great error for it wasn't the Spiders Haters Alliance it was actually the Spider Lovers Alliance. Harris can't read. He can be taught! Yes; Harris really can't read and mistook the word 'Haters' for 'Lovers'. They're a lover not a fighter! A sighter not a seeker! Whatever that means. Martin Stone was furious beyond any reasonable measure when he realised that Harris had come to do damage to his beloved spiders. As a young child, Martin had a pet Brown Recluse Spider which he had named Walter Montgomery And A Half Shell. Martin and his beloved pet Brown Recluse did everything together until the Recluse bit the hand of the local baron. The baron demanded compensation for the insult and as a result Martin's beloved pet Brown Recluse was sent to Area 69 to be experimented on for the rest of it's spidery days. That was the reason behind Martin Stone founding the Spider Lovers Alliance.
One early Autumn morning, Harris arranged a sit down at the Alliance's headquarters, and after the whole name mistake thing was cleared up he asked if he could join the Alliance. Martin Stone let out the biggest laugh you ever did hear as he said; "I think not!" "Oh really and why's that?" Harris inquired. Martin Stone lit himself a pipe as he said; "this society is for great men who view spiders as fellow travellers to the grave, and not some other race of creatures bound on other journeys." "That's not what I think of spiders." Harris said awkwardly. "Oh? Then how do you feel about them?" Martin asked to which Harris responded with, "I just think they're fucking scary." Martin then got ready to beat Harris senselessly with his walking stick, but that's when Harris said why he wanted to join the Alliance, Now knowing that the Alliance was the Spider Lovers Alliance and not the Spider Haters Alliance, Harris seeked to join up with the Alliance in the hopes that their love of spiders will help him in overcoming his own fear of arachnids. Sadly, Martin Stone spurned Harris' request to join the Alliance with contempt. He had betters thing to do than wallow in the gutter with a man like Harris. Martin walked around Harris in a circle as he joked; "I never heard such a stupid plan in all me days. Join an Alliance who love spiders so that you may garner protection from arachnids? I shall never in all me days ever hear anything quite as stupid as that!" "So what are ya saying?" Harris asked. Martin got right up in Harris' grill as he said; "I say; we ascended from great spiders not great morons like you dear boy." Harris spat on Martin's Nike shoes as he left the scene very awkwardly as he didn't realise you had to push the door open and not pull it. A dangerous past time I know. Harris fell down the steps outside the headquarters and after getting up and brushing himself he decided to pay a visit to his local fish and chip shop. The fish and chips were disgusting as they had a lot of gristle on the side whatever that means. Hmm probably should of checked on TripAdvisor Harris before dining out at Bappy Bob's Fish And Chips Plaza. I mean it literally has only 1 review on TripAdvisor which simply says and I quote; "just don't just fucking don't." Well to be honest; what did you expect from ole Bappy Bob anyhow?
After finishing up his DISGUSTING fish and chips, Harris decided to take a stroll through Lincoln Park. Upon arriving in the park, Harris passed by a luxury Ascot Bailey only there appeared to be some kind of creature on the hood of the car. Harris looked at the aforementioned creature and couldn't believe what he saw! It was.. uh drumroll please... it.... it... it was the same fucking tarantula which had so scared Harris out of his witty sunshine biscuits all those moons ago. Even longer now than what it seems. So sad. The tarantula looked at Harris with big round eyes as it greeted him with; "well howdy do!" Despite the spider being more than friendly towards him, Harris ended up passing out and when he awoke he found himself in a hospital bed up at the Royal Hope Hospital. Harris felt the top of his head and could feel a bandage which is when he was greeted by the head of the hospital; Mr B. Stoker. "No need to threat Mr Harris; you've suffered a minor concussion but nothing substantial. You should consider yourself lucky." Mr Stoker said as he began sniffing a clipboard only to see that there was a small house spider attached to it. "Bloody spiders!" Mr Stoker barked angrily as he then proceeded to beat the ever living daylights out of the more defenceless little tike. Harris thankfully didn't pass out from the spider this time as he was busy watching Harry Hill's TV Burp on the hospital TV. Mr Stoker then departed from Harris' bedside in order to play some Shrek 2 on Xbox in his office. He had gotten the game from his daughter who is busy attending Oxford University with one of McCluskey's sons. Though Mr Stocker refused to acknowledge him for he had ties to the Tattaglia Family. In any case, Mr Stoker was pulled away from the office by one of the nurses who had spotted a series of spiders in the canteen. True to her word; there was about 60 spiders all hanging around in the canteen laying eggs all over the delicious toffee flavoured cheesecake. The cook; Cockroach Harry smoked from a pipe as he looked at Mr Stoker and asked in a sarcastic inflection; "hey I'm a cockroach what am I going to do?"
Seeing that the hospital was quite clearly in the middle of a spider epidemic of sorts; Mr Stoker turned to face the nurse as he said; "tell the rest of the staff that the entire hospital is on lockdown until further notice." "It will be done Sir." The nurse answered as Mr Stoker said; "now if you'll excuse me I'll be in my office. I need to make a few phone calls." Mr Stoker headed to his office and sat down at his desk. He pulled out a large red telephone as he began looking through his phonebook. He dialled the number of Wallace & Gromit. Wallace had just gotten out of the shower but he still managed to take the call. "Mr Stoker! This is an honour!" Wallace proclaimed happily, but sadly his little proclamation did nothing to amuse Mr Stoker. No Siree it did not! "Yeah hey Wallace listen; my hospital's got a bit of a problem at the moment. You see; we've got a bit of a spider problem in the canteen at the moment and we..." "WE'RE ON OUR WAY!" Wallace proclaimed at the very top of his lungs. Wallace & Gromit are in charge of a gang known as Anti-Pesto. Anti-Pesto is based in West Wallaby Street, and is heavily involved in running a fixed lottery. They also run a numbers racket whatever that means. Ostensibly, Anti-Pesto are a humane pest control company who deal with all kinds of pest such as rabbits, geese, and snails. They are also known to handle spiders whenever the time calls for it. Fun fact; this wasn't the first time that Wallace & Gromit had to deal with a spider problem up at Royal Hope Hospital. On Christmas Day no less, Mr Stoker found a series of Brazilian wandering spiders attached to his homies The Bananas In Pyjamas. The spiders ate through the banana flavoured flesh of the Bananas In Pyjamas. They screamed in agony while Mr Stoker pulled an incredibly disgusted face which may or may not have smelt like a packet of raw cheese and onion crisps. Wallace & Gromit took care of the little buggers and sent them flying off to Timbuktu. Quite literally as a matter of fact; the pair sent them to a spider farm in Timbuktu which is ran by Old Delta Dorbee. Old Delta is pretty dumb because he's quite clearly terrified of spiders. So why run a spider farm then Delta huh? Why run a spider farm? Stupid Dorbee bastard.
After making the call to Anti-Pesto, Mr Stoker relaxed in his chair when he heard the door to his office slam open as Martin Stone and two unnamed subordinates entered the room. "What do you want? Can't you see that I'm busy?" Mr Stoker inquired as he got up from his desk. "This'll only take a momento my friend. I've got something that might interest you." Martin Stone explained as one of his unnamed subordinates handed him something. "Oh really and what is that exactly?" Mr Stoker questioned curiously though he honestly looked pretty tired. Martin Stone then revealed that he had been handed a big bag of Skittles. He threw a series of Skittles at Mr Stoker which caused him to yell; "now see here you.... you.... you.....oh buggering buggerton!" From behind Martin Stone and his two loyal but dumb subordinates; a large humanoid tarantula appeared on the scene. It was wearing a top hat as well as a fancy tailored suit. Mr Stoker tried to jump out of the window only to find that the bloody thing had been wielded shut by some super glue. An elementary precaution taught to Stoker by his father who used to apply glue to the windows of his house during World War II. In a last ditch effort to survive; Mr Stoker tried his best to make a phone call to the reception but the incredibly cynical receptionist refused to take the call seriously. Martin Stone's two subordinates grabbed Mr Stoker by the arms as the tarantula lunged towards him. "I'm afraid this is going to hurt." Martin Stone said as he lit himself a pipe and sat back on an old rocking chair in order to watch the show. After the show boys after the show. And so with Mr Stoker incapacitated, the spiders who were once located in the canteen started to spread out all over the hospital. Within five minutes, the spiders had taken complete control of Royal Hope Hospital. This was of course when Wallace & Gromit appeared on the scene in order to save the day!
Wallace & Gromit came crashing through the doors of the hospital in their luxury Austin A35 and parked it right in the middle of reception. Wallace turned to face Gromit with an incredibly grim expression as he said; "go get the sacks." HMM... that seems rather out of character for Wallace to be as blunt as that, but whatever I shan't judge for I am known to be a very judgemental chicken nugget. Yes I most certainly am! Gromit pulled out five extra large Tesco carrier bags as Wallace proclaimed; "bingo stingo! Now let's go make Squidward proud!" The pair headed inside the main hallway of the hospital where they found that all the staff had been either been killed or had been strung up in spider webs by the little buggers who now raiding the morphine supply. Thinking quickly, Wallace proceeded to place Gromit inside of an incredibly dodgy looking fly costume. The costume looked bloody terrible! The antennas had Christmas baubles attached to them and the costume was incredibly hairy like a big ole bumblebee. Oh; if only it had been a bumblebee costume dear reader if only. Gromit didn't seem to like the costume very much as it was incredibly itchy. Wallace looked at Gromit with a smelly face this time as he said; "hey don't look at me like that! The game is a foot lad!" Using the fly costume, Gromit was able to attract all of the spiders towards him. Every single one of the little Dickens wanted a piece of the Gromit which is of course when Wallace swooped in with the Tesco carrier bags. Both he and Gromit were able to grab most of the spiders, but they still weren't able to catch all of them. There was only two of them and like 10,000 spiders. So what were Wallace & Gromit to do? At that moment, someone else also started throwing the spiders into the Tesco carrier bags. That person of course being none other than Harris himself. "Harris what are you doing here? You should get some sleep!" Wallace pleaded to which Harris responded with; "don't be stupid Wallace. I wanna help you guys, and from the look of things you two are gonna need as much help as you can possibly get. So cut me in please!" After rounding up all of the spiders; Wallace decided to go and inform Mr Stoker of the good news. He probably shouldn't have done that!
Wallace headed inside Mr Stoker's office but at first there seemed to be one else in the office besides him. Something was most certainly off as there was a foul odour in the air, and there was also Skittles thrown all across the floor. Wallace headed to the other side of the desk and saw Mr Stoker was in the process of being made into soup by that monster humanoid tarantula. Wallace tried to grab the thing with a Tesco carrier bag which caused the tarantula humanoid to roar a mighty roar. "Kill him!" Martin Stone commanded who had been busy reading the Daily Otter and hadn't even noticed Wallace entering the room unannounced. The two still unnamed subordinates gave chase to Wallace but Wallace defeated the pair by having Gromit tie the pair up with a skipping rope. Meanwhile, Martin Stone sat down at Mr Stoker's old desk as he said; "hmm I should have known that Anti-Pesto would get their grubby mitts into my plans!" "So what are we going to do now Boss?" The tarantula asked having just finished eating Mr Stoker. Martin turned to face the tarantula and said; "you will go to West Wallaby Street. And when those Anti-Pesto fools show up; you eliminate them!" "Well what are you going to do?" The tarantula questioned to which Martin Stone responded with; "I'm gonna release some more of our eight legged friends into Trafalgar Square. I've been keeping them stored inside Big Ben." Yes; Martin Stone was seriously keeping some of the spiders including the clock of Big Ben. Why and how was he able to do this exactly? I have no idea. Wouldn't the spiders die living inside a clocktower? Ha ha NO! Martin Stone and the tarantula then left the hospital, and Wallace, Gromit, and Harris decided to follow the tarantula as they had heard the whole thing by watching it transpire on the CTV footage. "That thing killed Mr Stoker he'll pay for this!" Wallace proclaimed at the top of his lungs as he and the others got back inside of the Austin A35, and once again crashed through the doors of the hospital as they began to tail the tarantula all the way back to West Wallaby Street.
The tarantula humanoid was very nimble it would seem as he was able to climb across the rooftops with his immense strength. His immense speed also made it a challenge for Wallace and his cohorts to tail him but they still managed to follow the humanoid all the way back to Wallace & Gromit's crib located in the very heart of West Wallaby Street. The tarantula humanoid made his way through the front door and the trio followed closely behind him. It's worth mentioning that Gromit was carrying Harris into the house as he had passed out six times in the car from the sight of the tarantula humanoid which resulted in Gromit of course being forced to carry him. The trio headed inside the house and saw that the tarantula humanoid made himself at home in the living room. He was just sitting in there watching a bit of culture on BBC 4. Harris pulled out his handy dandy AK47 which is when Wallace started to slowly pat him on the shoulder. Harris looked at Wallace with a confused look on his face which caused Wallace to say in an incredibly sinister tone of voice; "be seeing you my friend!" Wallace Wallace watch your tone! Wallace then proceeded to throw Harris into the living room, and he landed on the floor right next to the tarantula humanoid who was just about to crack open Shrek 2 on Xbox. Upon seeing Harris enter his domain without an invitation, the tarantula humanoid did not attack him only instead the thing got up from it's chair and hid behind the nearby fish tank. The fish tank had no fish in it but it did have an inferred grill at the top of it. Whatever that means. The fish tank had been supplied to Wallace & Gromit by Hyperdales who had a spider problem back in 2007 or thereabouts. That spider problem was of course sorted out by Anti-Pesto. So it's all coming together as you can clearly see. Harris sucked in some air like a vacuum clear as he got ready to confront this unruly guest with his handy dandy AK47. Harris went up to the tarantula humanoid with his AK47 in hand which caused the poor thing to leap up into the air and latch onto the chandelier.
Perplexed, Harris asked for Wallace & Gromit to come into the living room in order to see the stich. "What on Earth ae you doing up there lad?" Wallace asked to which the tarantula responded with; "I'm hiding from you of course." "How come? I thought that asshole Martin Stone wanted you to kill us?" Harris asked which caused the tarantula humanoid to ascend down on a spider web as he explained; "yes that much is true, but I got my own agenda. I don't want to kill you, your friends, or anyone else in this fine city Harris. That's all Martin Stone's game." "But you killed Mr Stoker!" Wallace added. "Yes I did. But I had no choice. I was threatened." The tarantula explained. "Well that makes it all okay then." Wallace said as he sat down on his large leather chair. "Right so uh what now?" Harris asked as he sat down on the coffee table. He had made sure to sit as far away from the tarantula hybrid as possible as he feel nothing but anxiety while in it's presence. In Harris' mind, the thing had to be handled with the upmost caution. The tarantula stared at Harris emotionlessly as he then said; "I can help you defeat Martin Stone. He's unleashed an army of spiders in Trafalgar Square." "Yeah but before that. I have some questions." Harris said which caused the tarantula humanoid to get right up in his grill and to show his fangs off. This made Harris gulp heavily as the tarantula asked; "sure what are they?" "Um..." Harris said rather awkwardly. At that moment, Gromit re-entered the living room having been in the kitchen making a cup of delicious hot sweet PG Tips. Wallace then said; "you can start with your name." "My name is Monty C." The tarantula explained as Wallace then said; "pleasure to meet you Mr C. Now do tell us how did an animal like Martin Stone come to get his claws into you?" "Well I'll tell you!" Monty C proclaimed happily as he pulled out a ukulele and started to play a little tune on it. Having no time for musical numbers right now; Harris grabbed the ukulele out from Monty C's claws and threw it onto the floor. Harris then started stomping on the poor instrument like a mad man. He would have continued if it had not been for Gromit restraining him. Harris sat back down on the coffee table as Monty C began to tell his story.
Born in the Amazon Rainforest; Monty C was once just a normal everyday tarantula who dreamed of looking so groovy like an actor in a movie. He had a lot interest with the Albanians whatever that means. He was pretty content with the life he lived until one day he was snatched from his burrow in the middle of the night by Martin Stone's henchman Willard Stenk. Even back then; even before the whole Trebor Mint Intrigue; Stenk was still an incredibly dangerous man... when he wasn't getting caught off guard by stationmasters that is. Stenk placed Monty C inside of a large steel container and brought the then little tarantula to meet up with Martin Stone at his residence in Richfield. Martin laughed hysterically when he saw the tarantula contained inside of the steel container which caused Stenk to pull a very confused face. After getting over his little laughing hit, Martin Stone turned to face Stenk and said; "go get Heinz." Stenk nodded dutifully and picked up the phone and dialled the number of Doctor Heinz. Yes indeed; the same Doctor Heinz who created Doctor Gareth Smellnick and the Duracell Puttermans all those moons ago. Even longer now than it seems. So sad. In any case, Doctor Heinz was sadly unable to attend due to him being real sick with a bad case of salmonella which he had gotten after eating a bad rack of lamb at the local restaurant. That restaurant which I shall not say the name of out of fear of getting sued are so fucking disgusting. They dip racks of lamb in this really disgusting sauce which is honey, mustard, and Jell-O bricks all mixed together. It'll make you sick. Very sick. Mmhmm very sick indeed. Doctor Heinz you're a delightful fella so I'm really sorry about the salmonella. In Doctor Heinz's absence; his great grandfather Willock Heinz offered to take his place in the Sun. Willock Heinz arrived at Martin Stone's house at 4'o clock in the morning and asked; "are you ready for SpongeBob Second Season now on DVD?" "Uh what?" Stenk asked only to get rudely pushed out of the way by Willock as he made his way inside of the house farting violently as he did so.
Willock Heinz placed Monty C onto a small novelty toy chair and applied tape to the bottom of the chair so that the little Monty C wouldn't be able to escape. "So uh how long is this going to take exactly? I got something I need to take care of." Stenk said while pulling a very weird face like some kind of Joe Barbaro. Willock answered this question directly with; "ya can't rush art!" Willock put 50 pairs of glasses on as he began working on preparing the ultimate tarantula. For the next six hours, Willock prepared the ultimate tarantula by injecting the poor thing with about 50 syarettes of steroids. He also had Martin Stone and Stenk give Monty some Skittles to eat once every ten minutes so that he didn't go getting hungry. Next, Willock pulled out a fancy tailored suit and top hat from his arse as he began trying his best to apply the costume to the ever growing Monty C. Stenk looked at Martin Stone with a very confused face as Willock made the final preparations. He reached inside his large smelly half rotten ear and pulled out a jar of spicy foo mix. He stuck his fingers into the cookie jar so to speak and stuck them down Monty's throat causing him to gag violently. Though that could also be because Willock never washes his hands. Dirty bastard! "Well here ya go!" Willock proclaimed happily as he was rudely pushed out of the way by Martin Stone. It would appear that ole Martin Stone doesn't know his own strength as the sheer force of his push managed to send Willock flying out the window like some kind of Mace Windu. True to Willock's word; the tiny little tarantula was now a big humanoid killing machine. Please don't ask how giving steroids and Skittles to a tarantula turns it into a monster demon hybrid thing from outer space. I honestly don't know the answer to that question. Monty's taste for humans came from the fact that Willock aside from Skittles also fed Monty the corpses of some local bishops which he had stolen from a morgue party he had recently attended up at the Love Media Building. Martin gave Monty C a small pat on the head as he said; "you'll do wonderfully." He then turned to face Stenk as he said; "well... now we've got our tarantula."
Back in present day, Monty C lit himself a cigarette as he then proceeded to explain that Martin Stone and Stenk wanted him to help them in their plans to eradicate the human race and make spiders the dominant species on Earth. "So why did Martin Stone pick you out of all the other tarantulas in the Amazon Rainforest?" Harris asked. "I dunno." Monty C responded nonchalantly as he lit himself yet another fucking cigarette as he said; "of course Stenk went and got himself plastered all over the train tracks in Walnut Pass. So; alone; Martin and his friend have spent the last few years going around the world. Primarily in Australia, and getting every last spider species they can." Hmm; Martin would be happy on Spider Isle. Who needs Spider Isle? It's sweeter at the docks! Martin Stone and his yet to be named accomplice had gotten their hands on the other species of spiders in order to help them eradicate the human race and make room for the new and improved spider race. Monty C had pretended to play ball by killing Mr Stoker and helping Martin Stone take control of Royal Hope Hospital, but now he wanted to truly offer his help to them that need it. Harris then asked; "okay so why do you want to help us?" "I got a girl in Morocco whom I miss terribly. Martin won't let me near. So what do ya say Harris?" "Yeah sure!" Harris proclaimed happily. Wallace then asked; "where to go?" "Well firstly; we're gonna pay a visit to my mentor Mama Odie. She lived in the Amazon for a few years but now she lives in the fields just beyond West Wallaby. She used to read stories to me and my homies back in the Summer to end all Summers. She read us all kind of stories include the likes of Moby Dick." Monty C explained which caused Wallace to ask in a rather offended tone; "Moby what!?" Monty C went to go say something only for the windows of the house to suddenly be shot open by an unknown gunman. Harris and the others crouched down onto the floor as Harris asked Monty C; "who the fuck is firing bullets at this lovely cephalopod lodge?" "Clayton." Monty C answered.
Yes indeed; Clayton was the accomplice of Martin Stone and as it turns out Stone had wiretapped Wallace & Gromit's residence as well as all the other houses in West Wallaby Street. Martin was a bit of a wiring expert as he had trained under acclaimed technician, chef, and part-time hitman Leo Teal in Vice City during the 1980's. Using the wiretaps and by following the memos; Martin Stone was able to uncover Monty C's plans to betray him. So he sent Clayton to assassinate Monty C and his newly made friends. I didn't know we was friends Monty C. Clayton pulled out a large double barrel shotgun and got ready to blast Monty C's brains out. "Oh I might have known Martin Stone would send one of his cronies to do his dirty work." Harris whined as he sank to his knees in defeat. "Do not threat dearest Harris for it's show time!" Monty C proclaimed happily as he reached inside his mouth and pulled out two Molotov cocktails. Monty C threw the Cocktails out of the already broken window where they managed to destroy Clayton's leopard skin jeep which he had gotten from Martin Stone many chilly Christmas Eves ago. Clayton was in fact so distracted by his destroyed jeep that he failed to notice the foursome escaping the house and making their way onto the busy streets of West Wallaby. Turning back around, Clayton tried his best to shoot them but he was unable to get a good shot at them. He did however manage to land a shot in the local bishop. What's with all the bishop abuse today? Everybody hurts and every bishop cries like the donkey.
Clayton after realising he failed to kill Monty C and Harris; started to hit the dirty road with his fists as he muttered; "the boss isn't going to like this." At that moment, Clayton's phone went off and he answered it only to reveal that Martin Stone was facetiming him. "Well have you dealt with that traitor Monty C yet?" Martin Stone inquired. "No not yet. The bastards got around me. I'll find them and when I do oh man when I do." Clayton chuckled. Martin Stone cleared his throat very loudly I may add as he then said; "good good. Now keep on their trail. They mustn't reach Mama Odie. Not even Big Smile Lee would think to take on the great Mama Odie." "You got it Boss." Clayton said as the phone call came to an end, Clayton stole himself a Taxi GTA style, and started speeding after the others. Harris, Wallace, and Gromit were riding in their Austin A35 while Monty C was once again climbing across the rooftops like some kind of bootleg Spider-Man or something else along those margins. Sadly, Wallace ended up crashing his beloved Austin A35 just along the riverbend. Having no other option left; Wallace declared that they would have to make the great of the journey on foot. "But what about dinner?" Harris inquired. Ole Harris knew of a Greggs just around the corner which was a great place to break legs. "There'll be plenty of time for eating later dear Harris. We must make haste." Wallace explained as he walked face first into an old oak tree which had a face for some reason. "Oh!" The oak tree cried in pain and it looked to be in a great deal of stress. Well either that or it was constipated. Wallace brushed himself off as Monty C appeared from behind him and asked; "so what's the plan now Anti-Pesto?" Hmm Monty that sounded rather arrogant for someone of your calibre. "You tell me." Wallace said to which Monty C responded with; "we must get to Mama Odie's house on the other side of the marshlands and quickly before sundown." "But how?" Mr Krabs asked as a voice in the background could be heard saying; "I can take you there!" We all turned around in unison to see none other than David Hasselhoff running towards us in slow motion.
Sadly, David Hasselhoff didn't get very far as he ended up tripping on a conveniently placed banana peel. Harris had to bite his lip in order to hold in his laughter. This caused Wallace to glare at Harris with an incredibly sinister glare while Gromit simply rolled his eyes just like I'm doing right now. The foursome made their way through the woodlands until a large watersnake appeared introducing himself as being Ssssam. According to Ssssam's IMDB page; he acts a ferryman of sorts and helps people get across the marshlands. Upon catching one look of Ssssam's ugly mug; Gromit attempted to flee the scene only to get grabbed by the neck by Wallace. The foursome each took turns climbing onto Ssssam's back as he helped transport them across the marshlands and onwards to Mama Odie's house. Meanwhile, Gromit kept trying to climb off only to keep getting pulled back by Wallace. Meanwhile, Harris sat near Ssssam's head and started chatting with Monty C about his reasons for joining Anti-Pesto in their mighty quest to defeat Martin Stone and Clayton. "So between you and me Harris; why did you decide to help those two guy out anyhow?" Monty C inquired while pulling a very smelly face. Harris responded with; "well to be honest with you Monty; for as long as I can remember I've always had a fear of spiders ever since my ex fiancée left me to be killed by a huge pit of poisonous ones up in France." "Well gee that's terrible I'm so sorry!" Monty C apologised. "I just felt that maybe if I help Wallace & Gromit defeat that prick Martin Stone; I may finally be able to defeat my arachnophobia once and for all ya know?" Harris explained. "Yeah I understand. Hey you play Shrek 2 on Xbox?" Monty C asked to which Harris responded with, "nah man." "Okay." Monty C said like some kind of Jimmy De Santa while all of the sudden three large speedboats appeared from behind Ssssam. It was Clayton and an army of mobsters hired by Martin Stone! Clayton stood at the very front of the speedboat and he pulled out the shotgun from earlier as he said; "they won't get very far this time. Kick it into high gear."
Clayton and his forces thankfully seemed to have very terrible aim as they were unable to land either a single shot on Ssssam or any of the four main players in our story. Ssssam coughed out some boiled eggs and handed them to Harris as he proclaimed; "use this!" Dutifully, Harris picked up the boiled eggs and began throwing them back at Clayton and his forces. "Not boiled eggs! My one true weakness!" Clayton cried in despair as he only just managed to duck out of the way so that none of the boiled eggs were able to hit him. The same cannot be said for his backup however as both speedboats got hit by a dozen boiled eggs causing them both to blow up into a million tiny bite size pieces. Yes; speedboats can't handle boiled eggs. DIDN'T YA KNOW!? Anyways, Clayton was now on his own but he had an ace in the hole it would seem as he ended up leaping off from his own speedboat and he managed to land right on top of Ssssam's back. Harris asked Ssssam for more eggs but Ssssam proclaimed; "there aren't anymore. This is your time to shine dearest Harris!" Harris turned around and came face to face with Clayton who was aiming his shotgun directly at him. "This thing has gone on far enough Harris. Surrender the spider and I'll let you, your friends, and this weird snake thing go free without harm. How does that sound?" Clayton asked rhetorically. "Fuck you!" Harris responded as he kicked Clayton right in his stomach which caused him to fly all the way back and he landed on top of Ssssam's tail. Ssssam lifted his tail high up in the air and flicked it back which caused Clayton to go flying all the way to Hushaby Mountain. Very sad indeed. With Clayton and his backup out of commission; it was finally time to meet with Mama Odie.
The foursome were dropped off on an old boardwalk area just outside of Mama Odie's house. Her house was being guarded by the Front Yard Ballas. Ssssam and the foursome (with the exception of Gromit that is), bid themselves an emotional. A goodbye so emotional in fact that Tim Allen who played the ticket collector in a deleted scene was force to turn away. He just couldn't get through it! Yeah but can you blame him? After Ssssam disappeared into the shadows of the night, Harris crept his way up towards Mama Odie's front door only for a light to be shun on his face. It was Mama Odie! Mama Odie appeared on the scene and asked; "who been messing with the Shadow Man?" "Who the fuck is the Shadow Man?" Harris asked as he and his friends including Monty C were invited inside for some spicy gumbo. Mama Odie don't discriminate against spiders, and why should she? After all her best friends in the whole entire world had been a spider and a goat. That's really sad and kind of pathetic if we're being honest here dear reader. Mama Odie headed inside an old storage closet and when she came back she was carrying a large black cauldron. She placed the cauldron in the middle of the room and began throwing loads of shit into it including PG Tips teabags and even some of Leo Teal's chest hair. All roads lead to Teal it would seem. Mama Odie then pulled out a large wooden spoon from her ear and began stirring the concoction. Confused, Wallace who was busy munching on a piece of Dr Faclier's Patterned Snail Cheese asked; "so what's the next move for us then Mama Odie?" "You gots to dig a little deeper it really ain't far!" Mama Odie began as she started sing a really cool song well not really it was kind of cringy as some smelly flamingos started twerking towards Monty C. At one point in the song, Mama Odie made a large crystal ball appear magically and held in front of Wallace's face. Harris looked at the ball and smiled a smelly smile as he then remembered he forgot to pay my gambling debts yet again. Oh I'm sure Mr. Santo won't mind. He is very understanding man after all even though he often forces Harris to take part in illegal cage fights because the old Santo does have a thing for Harris. So the rumours are indeed true.
From Mama Odie's song, Monty C realised that he needed to take his place in the Sun which caused Mama Odie to facepalm as she said; "gosh you really are stupid boyio." Wallace meanwhile remained impassive as he ate yet another block of Dr Faclier's Patterned Snail Cheese. There's no snail in those blocks of cheese only slugs. Of course, the back of the box won't tell ya that will it though? Returning to the black cauldron, Mama Odie finished stirring the thing as she proclaimed; "ah now take a look here! Oh man look here!" Harris and Monty C peered into the black cauldron and saw what the next step of their quest would be. Mama Odie turned to face the pair and said; "in order to defeat Martin Stone... you must first destroy his plans to become the King Of Spiders." "Well that's kind of self explanatory really." Monty C remarked with a rather sarcastic inflection tone as Mama Odie whacked him across the face with her walking stick. She then continued with; "Martin and his people have bribed Tesco's port authorities to allow them to lace all of their fruit and produce with spiders. Even the soup cans have got spiders in them. You need to convince the big boss himself; Mr Parks to shut down all production on every single Tesco store until the matter can be fully sorted out." Martin Stone and Clayton plotted to lace all the food that Tesco sold with spiders. The spider laced food would of course be bought and brought into people's homes. Once that happens, the spiders will bite the unlucky buyer injecting them with a fatal dose of venom. "So where are Martin and Clayton getting these spiders from exactly?" Wallace questioned as he and Gromit started peering into the cauldron as well. Also, I should probably mention that Wallace did not look very well. In fact he looked sicker than Arthur Morgan. Well that's what you get for eating Dr Faclier's Patterned Snail Cheese Wallace! "I'm glad ya asked!" Mama Odie cried happily as she then continued with; "the spiders are being mass produced at Martin's factory up in Riker's Field. He's got himself a license of some kind from the Corleone Family to operate in the area. Once you deal with Tesco and Mr Parks; your next step will be to blow the factory up. My homie 8-Ball has rigged an old dust car with a bomb. He can supply you with what you're gonna need."
The foursome then departed from Mama Odie's side as Ssssam gave them a lift back to Tesco. This was where their adventure could really begin, and I'm not really sure why Tim Allen had such a hard time getting through Ssssam's quote on quote emotional send off with the foursome when he appears in another scene like twenty minutes later. Thankfully, there just so happened to be a Tesco not far from Mama Odie's house and Mr Parks had placed it there on the marshlands in order to attract the fire flies. In his youth, Mr Parks had been a fire fly keeper it would seem. Though it could also be the fact that the fire flies help to light the beacons if you know what I mean. At Tesco, Monty C helped distract the only security guard on duty by making him dance to the keeper of the reaper. Hey don't pretend dear reader everyone knows that one. Meanwhile, Harris and his cohorts made their way inside the store in an attempt to find Mr Parks. Rationalising that Mr Parks was probably in the back room eating apples and watching Netflix instead of working, Harris opted to go in alone while Wallace & Gromit helped themselves to the cheese display. Sadly, Wallace was still suffering the ill effects of the snail cheese as he ended up vomiting his guts out all over Gromit. He managed to push them back in as Harris went to confront Mr Parks in the backroom. Gromit decided to accompany Harris in order to get away from the vomiting Wallace. Can't say I blame him to be honest with ya. After hearing Harris' story, Mr Parks was not so convinced. He clenched ah apple tightly in his hands as he asked; "you really expect me to believe that a man like Clayton would ever stoop so low as to add poisonous spiders to my food? Oh please! Clayton is harmless." Mr Parks then began rubbing a pound coin over his face as Harris said in a rather sinister tone of voice; "but there's more." Harris sat down on a chair across from Mr Parks as he said, "it's not just Clayton who we battle Mr Parks. This battle is also against Martin Stone."
Mr Parks got up from his desk and walked over the far side of the room still gripping the apple tightly in his hands. He then squeezed the apple causing it to break into a million tiny bite size pieces. Mr Parks turned to face Harris and Gromit as he said; "that bastard Stone. Him and his boys passed me over in favour of some business rival of mine from Santa Monica. Stone told me he didn't want some Tesco big wig stinking out his spider alliance or something. A lot of smoke and mirrors if you ask me!" Mr Parks then continued with, "ever since Snowden got himself plastered all across America. Stone seems to think he can run this country now." "Yes but you can help us." Harris said. "It is true!" Monty C chimed in as he and Wallace came into the room carrying bags upon bags of donuts. "Did you pay for those donuts Monty?" Harris asked with a perplexed look on his face. "Of course I did." Monty said as his eyes darted violently from left to right. Mr Parks walked around Monty C in a circle as he said; "I cannot believe my eyes. So the papers really are true." While Mr Parks got himself acquainted with Monty C; Harris made his way over to Wallace and asked, "what about the security guard? He want in or..." "Monty killed him and ate his liver." Wallace answered. This made Harris very nearly cry. That security guard though incredibly fat was also incredibly charitable. At Midnight that very evening, he was going to deliver $500,000 to the local ape crisis centre but sadly it was just not meant to be. Mr Parks sat back down at his desk and pressed a large red button on his intercom as he said, "attention all Tesco delivery drivers... cancel your deliveries. There appears to have been a mishap with the dates or something."
One driver failed to head Mr Parks' warning and decided that he was going to make the delivery no matter what. The delivery driver wanted to get home and tell his son about all the potatoes he had sold that day. His son had no interest in Tesco and wanted to pursue a career in medicine. The driver couldn't have that! He wanted the son to follow in his footsteps and become a man of the Tesco Code. Realising that the driver wouldn't pull over love nor money, Wallace & Gromit offered to stop the driver before he managed to deliver any of the products contained within the truck. "The driver's name is Derrick Stuffer. Just be careful when apprehending him though okay? He's the restless type." Mr Parks advised. "Your lordship being careful is our speciality." Wallace explained as he and Gromit made their way out of Tesco and they hijacked an old lady's Ford Capri, and using said Ford Capri they were able to give chase to Derrick as he and the truck made their way onto the freeway. Wallace & Gromit followed closely behind. For some unexplained reason, Gromit put a toilet plunger on his head as Wallace then proceeded to throw him directly at the side of the truck. Gromit climbed his way towards the driver's seat and threw Derrick out of it. Derrick didn't die however as he ended up falling in the Thames. He was perfectly fine as he was soon rescued by some military scuba divers. So don't you worrying your beautiful head about it okay? Anyways, Gromit pulled the truck off from the freeway and allowed for Wallace to get in the passenger's side. Gromit handed Wallace a small red and black cellphone which obviously belonged to Derrick Stuffer. Wallace turned the phone on, and saw that Derrick had just received a text from Martin Stone telling him to head to the factory in Riker's Field once he was done with his deliveries. So Stuffer was working for Martin Stone the entire time ay? The plot thickens! "Oh dear!" Wallace gulped as Gromit made his way out of the truck and onto the busy early evening streets.
Gromit then went on to creep his way over to the back of the truck, and opened the truck up. Sure enough; all of the food contained in the back of the truck was laced with spiders. Some of the most dangerous spiders in the world including Sydney Funnel Webs, Brazilian Wanderers, Black Widows, and Daddy Long Legs. For some reason, the sight of the Daddy Long Legs caused Wallace to pass out from fear. Wallace grow up! I've seen scarier things in my toilet! When Wallace awoke; he found himself back at Tesco. He was resting on a sofa in Mr Parks' office. Monty C and Harris then entered the office with Harris carrying his handy dandy AK47. "You ready Wallace?" Harris asked. "Where are we going?" Wallace asked as he rubbed some dust out from his eyes. "We're heading to Martin Stone's home turf in Riker's Field." Harris explained. Wallace, Harris, and Monty C all made their way out onto the main parking lot in order to meet with the others. They were going to be using Mr Parks' bulletproof Rolls Royce to get to Martin Stone's Headquarters. "Hey it's better than that snake right Gromit?" Monty C asked Gromit who simply responded by nodding his head. The group then began speeding their way out of the Tesco parking lot and onwards to Martin Stone's Headquarters. Little did they know however was they were being watched by none other than Clayton was busy chilling on top of the rooftops aiming his shotgun at the Rolls Royce as it passed by. Clayton pulled out a large walkie talkie as he said, "Boss they're on their way."
On their way towards Riker's Field, the group were forced to make a quick stop at 8-Ball's Bomb Shop where they proceeded to collect the old dust car that Mama Odie had forewarned them about. Harris and Monty C were in charge of driving the dust car while Wallace & Gromit stayed in the Rolls Royce with Mr Parks. After collecting the car from 8-Ball who warned them to be bloody careful as the bomb was extremely sensitive. Even the slightest touch could set the thing off. At Riker's Field, Harris and Monty C bailed out from the dust car as it crashed into the walls of the factory. The walls were steel and they would have been fine if the dust car had not had a bomb hidden underneath it that is. The dust car exploded into a million tiny bite size pieces which caused the wall to blow up as well allowing for the group to advance inside the factory. The factory was massive and there was at least 75,000 spiders contained inside of each one. The boxes were held up in the sky via a large crane. It is unknown how Martin Stone was able to get a crane inside of his factory without getting prior approval from the Corleone Family who own the land, but I think it's safe to assume that Martin knows the land masters. I mean how could it be otherwise? Now, Mr Parks had decided to wait outside the factory in order to catch his breath because he was very fat after all which meant that Harris decided to split the foursome into groups of two. He and Monty C would deal with Martin Stone in his penthouse suite located at the very top part of the factory. Meanwhile, Wallace & Gromit would take care of Clayton wherever he maybe and he'll lead you all to the dance said he! At that moment, Clayton appeared from behind Wallace & Gromit holding his double barrel shotgun as he yelled; "let's finish this!" Acting on Gromit's commands, Wallace and his beloved pet pooch decided to lure Clayton to the boardwalk area located on the very top part of the building. It was even higher than Martin Stone's penthouse suite. Speaking of which.
Martin Stone's penthouse suite was beautiful. He had a gorilla skin rug obviously given to him by Clayton, a large Disco ball hung from the ceiling, a Lego prop helicopter sat on his desk, and lastly there was a fancy new throw rug. There was shortage of chairs though. Whatever that means. Upon noticing Harris and Monty C enter his domain without an invitation, Martin Stone pointed an accusing finger at the tarantula humanoid as he said, "I treated you like a son me boy!" He then pulled out a shotgun of his own and aimed it at Harris as he joked; "you'll never be one of us Harris!" "So what are you gonna shoot me now?" Harris questioned. "What!? Oh no that's far too barbaric. You two should realise by now that I happen to be a man of culture. Enjoy the spiders Harris they're a little gift from me." And with that, Martin shot a shotgun shell up in the air which caused a large crate to fall through the cracks in the ceiling. The box broke open and millions upon millions of tiny spiders came out and began huddling around Harris and Monty C. "Uh Harris?" Monty C asked awkwardly as he tried his best to fight the bastards off with his umbrella. They were the same spiders that tormented Harris in France all those moons ago and ruined his chances of marrying his fiancée Talbot. Harris however somehow managed to remain impassive as he said; "you know you're right Martin. I'll never be one of you and that's the way it's gonna stay. Now Monty." Monty C then got down on all fours and roared a mighty roar which somehow convinced all of the spiders to turn their attention towards Martin Stone. The spiders all crowed around Martin and began biting him. "Hey get off from me! Get off from me! I am your master! Do as I say and attack..." Martin stopped as he realised he was now standing on the very edge of the penthouse window. "Oh bugger!" Martin cried at the very top of his lungs as he fell through the window and towards the Thames to his death. Hopefully this time he'll stay dead. Wink. Hmm say was that a wink. Of course not you worry too much you really do!
Meanwhile, Wallace & Gromit were struggling to handle Clayton who was much faster than they. Harris made his way out of the penthouse suite and cried; "it doesn't have to be this way Clayton! Martin Stone is dead. He can't pay you!" Clayton looked at Harris with an incredibly mocking glare as he said, "oh this ain't about the money anymore Harris. Stone may be dead, but that doesn't mean I can't see to it that his plans go into fruition." Clayton using the back of his shotgun was able to successfully knock Wallace out. He then charged towards Gromit only to get his leg trapped in a hole in the floor. Clayton tried his best to break free. Gromit held his paws out in an attempt to rescue Clayton from his certain doom. Clayton being a very short sighted man caused the entire boardwalk to go under but Gromit and Wallace were saved by the spiders who had formed a massive tidal wave in order to rescue the pair. Clayton meanwhile fell towards the very bottom of the factory. Sayonara Clayton! Sifu would be so proud he would! Monty C turned to face Harris who had witnessed the entire thing from the stairwell. Monty cocked his head back as he asked, "so uh what happens now?" Harris flashed Monty an iconic grin as he said; "time to set it off Monty time to set it off." The spiders had indeed been through enough cruel treatment as it is as they were often tortured and tormented by Stone and Clayton into handling their dirty work for them. Well hopefully with Martin Stone and Clayton dead, the spiders can rule once again!
The following day at Dawn, Harris bid ways with Wallace & Gromit, Monty C, as well as Mr Parks who had just got done having an interview with the local paper. An interview in which he took all the credit for the deaths of Martin Stone and Clayton. He also took the credit for saving the spiders from the clutches of the evil Martin Stone. Gromit proceeded to chase Mr Parks off with a stick as he and Wallace then got into their newly bought Dodo Prop Plane in order to begin returning the spiders to their natural habitats. Hmm I think you're gonna need a bigger plan than that you two. But whatever. Monty C gave Harris a big hug as Harris asked; "so what will you do now?" It was now Monty's time to flash Harris an iconic grin of his own as he said, "my lover and I have just bought ourselves a home up in Empire Bay. You'll come see us sometime won't you?" "Ha ha no!" Harris joked which caused Monty C to yell; "WHAT!?" His yell was so angry it caused large streams of venom to pour out from his mouth as Harris then explained it was a joke and he would indeed come and visit Monty up in Empire Bay whenever the time was right. Sadly, Monty's happiness in Empire Bay was cut short as his lover ended up having an affair with the aforementioned Mr Santo. In a reaction to this act of betrayal, Monty C ate his lover and became an embittered addict to Skittles though he still kept a close friendship with Harris it would seem since he has a picture of Harris in his living room. To be honest, I hate to play Devil's advocate, but Monty C's lover kind of had it coming as she was very stupid and believed Mr Santo to be a lovely man even though he threatened to burn her house down and to skin her cat and make it into a drum.
Some days later, Harris attended a therapy session with Doctor Carrot where he told Carrot all about his journey and how he believes he may have finally conquered his arachnophobia for good. "I'm glad to hear that Harris." Doctor Carrot said as he then continued with, "but just be to sure." He then reached inside an old shoe cupboard and pulled out the tarantula from earlier. The exact same tarantula which had sent Harris to his hospital bed which of course led to the rest of the events of this stupid adventure. The tarantula waved at Harris and greeted him once again with; "well howdy do!" Harris responded with, "I do very well thank you Mr Tarantula. Did you see the game on Sunday?" "I sure did! I say the Empire Cannons cheated though personally." The tarantula added. Yes, tarantulas are big fans of baseball didn't ya know? Just as it seemed Harris and the tarantula had finally reached some common ground, Doctor Carrot ended up accidentally tripping on an old bowling shoe which caused the tarantula (who he had been holding in his hand), to go flying towards Harris' face. The tarantula landed right on Harris' face and this caused him to start freaking OUT! Harris ran around the room screaming and crying like a mad man. Doctor Carrot meanwhile made an old broomstick appear magically as he tried his best to beat the snot out of the tarantula before it tried to bite Harris. Oh Harris you'll never change!
So there you have it; the story of how Harris nearly came to defeat his arachnophobia for good. Of course, for some people beating a phobia is as simple as chemistry. This all seems like Doctor Carrot's fault to be honest with you as if he hadn't pulled that little stunt of his with the tarantula then none of this would have happened! Perhaps Doctor Carrot is the real villain of this story not Martin Stone and not even Clayton. I personally am a Seahawk, and by that I mean a lover of the spiders. Spiders are great and I think they have a bad rep. I think that we need to realise that spiders are just as important to our society as bees are. Maybe one day spiders will get the respect they deserve but until that day comes I'm loving tarantulas instead. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off for a stroll in the park to insult some old ladies for wearing really terrible dresses. Oh they can't do anything about it as they are quite senile and believe that I am actually complementing them. Isn't that swell? Just remember this the world of words will help you paint the way!
Credited to Bruno Tattagllia
| Comments • 5 |
Loading comments...
|
