Arthur: The Day Before Ü.
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What the fuck?
When the FUCK are you supposed to watch Arthur?
Or do you watch it at On PBS Fucking Kids?
Why does PBS give more to rich kids than poor kids, anyway?
You know what, fuck PBS, or fucking Dash And Dot. Anyone over the age of like fuckin' 12 knows there's no such thing as Dash And Dot. Anyway, I decided to watch Arthur THAT was fuckin' disgusting. I got banned from the Amazon.
I looked at the fucking price and it was $6.66 and I was a little confused and the description said "YOU RUINED MY FUCKING TIKTOK, YOU DICK!" I was even more fucking confused but I bought it anyway because it was the cheapest Arthur VHS I could find and I was short on budget. 6 minutes later I heard a knock at my door and the VHS was delivered to my house. I told him to fuck off. I was pissed and hid it under my bed till fucking Christmas. You know what, fuck Santa, that fat fuckin' reindeer abusing fuckin' sled fuckin' oaf. I thought it was kind of odd how the VHS cost 6 dollars and 66 cents and it took 6 minutes for the VHS to be delivered to my house, I just shrugged it off and went to sleep.
Christmas finally came and my little brother was excited to see what I got him, I handed over his present and when he opened it, he was ecstatic to find an Arthur VHS, I was happy to see him happy, but there was one thing worth noting. The VHS looked weird. It had a somewhat poorly drawn illustration of Arthur on the cover behind a red background and the VHS was called "Arthur The Day Before Ü". Not to mention, the VHS box smelled like blood or shit. I decided to just let my little brother watch the episodes and change the VHS box into something more child friendly afterwards.
It was a little while and I was doing the dishes but then all of a sudden I heard screaming and crying coming from my little brother's room SO FUCKING LOUD, I rushed into there as fast as I can but to my surprise nothing seemed bad, my little brother was coughing up and some shit so I let him rest. I looked at the TV and it was completely static.
"W-why did Arthur's teacher kill everyone?" my little brother said. I was shocked to hear what he said but I reassured him that he probably fell asleep while watching the VHS and had a nightmare. However my brother was still bleeding out of his eyes, nose, mouth, and ears, so I called my parents and told them to take my brother to the emergency room except they fucking grounded me.
I didn't believe my brother but I was curious as to what was on the VHS that made him freak out so I popped the VHS in and had a watch. When it started, there were no PBS kids logos. The intro looks okay. Instantly, the most obnoxious fucking sound I have ever heard came blasting out of my speakers, nearly causing me to jump out of my seat.
What the fuck?
The intro started with the "I Said Hey!" song but it was about the Fucking BTS Meal.
The opening lyrics went something like this:
"Yo bitch, it's time to go bitch, To get the fuckin' B.T.S Meal fo' sho' bitch With the mothafuckin' Nuggets You're gonna mothafuckin' die When the Sweet Chill And Cajun sauce hits You'll take a massive shit Yeah the flavor never ends But your asshole will not survive the cleanse"
I noticed that the title card was just white text on a black background, and the text was in fucking Comic Sans font with Spanish on it. I was able to translate the episode's title which was Arthur The Day Before Ü.
The episode began in Lakewood University in Mr. Ratburn's (Arthur's Professor) class, and everybody appeared to be in their early 20s. The entire scene looked really depressing, it was dark and nobody was smiling, it was ominously quiet, but then, Arthur began to speak.
"Does anyone know what happened to Mr. Ratburn? He's never been this late."
"Maybe he got abducted by aliens or some shit." said Buster.
Arthur: Aliens? What the fuck Buster? Stop bringing up this bullshit, aliens don't fucking exist you dick!
I was a bit shocked to see an Arthur episode with fucking uncensored cursing in it.
Buster: Just like how your penis doesn't fucking exist. I've seen you in the locker room and it's so small, it practically disappeared Assthur.
Arthur: Eww, you're so gay looking at my dick and shit, at least I don't use my computer and jerk off to men spraying their bazooka. I wanna try fucking B.T.S Meal!
What the HELL? First off, the B.T.S Meal was introduced at McDonald's in 2021, and this Series Came Out In 1996! This must've been some kind of prank or edit that had been made relatively recently. Also, what was with the fucking McDonald's advertisements in the first place? Did they pay for this shit?
The whole class besides Buster: *laughs out loud*
Buster: You fucking asshole, I thought I told you that was a secret between you and me, dumbass, I wanna eat B.T.S. meal!
Brain: Actually it's "you and I" dumbfu-
Buster: Shut the fuck up Ü know-it-all douchebag, you'll never get fucking laid because girls don't dig guys with fucking heads the size of a goddamn planet ASSLICKER!
Brain: Fuck off, you bastard!
*Buster notices Arthur's backpack and sees a Bionic Bunny doll covered with shit*
Buster: What the actual fuck is this Assthur?!
Arthur: Look, I was just really lonely and I needed to taking shit on your fucking bunny doll because bathroom dosen't work.
Buster: You accuse me of being a homo, yet you splatter your shit all over a macho rabbit who's not even sexy in the fucking slightest!
Buster's eyes suddenly became black holes with black blood spilling out of it, he then got out a gun from his pocket that he was originally going to use to shoot up the school and shoots himself with it, hyper realistic blood sprayed fucking everywhere and the whole class was covered with Buster's blood and you guessed it................shit.
Buster fucking dies.
Mr. Ratburn: Sorry I'm fucking late class, I was in traffi-
*Mr. Ratburn notices Buster's dead body on the floor*
Mr. Ratburn: Holy fucking shit what the fuck happened?!
*Mr. Ratburn looked pissed off*
Binky: It was fucking Arthur's fault, he was the one that made Buster off himself bitch.
Arthur: Go fuck off Binky, you look like a fucking goomba you tattletale bitch like, damn!
Binky: You fucking asshole, I'm not the one who came all over a fucking toy asshole or Some Shit!
Arthur: Who gives a fucking shit?! I was feeling horny last night so what?! Can't I just enjoy my fetishes without being fucking kinkshamed YOU DICK?!
Francine: You know Arthur, I used to think you were sexy, but after hearing about what you were doing, I changed my mind. You turn me off harder than any electrical appliance bitch.
Arthur: Oh that's just fucking great now you're in on this shit too motherfucka?!
Francine: That's fucking right Arthur Read. I'm now attracted to Muffy and I'm officially a lesbian. We are going to fuck all night long after school and you're not invited for a 3 way you fucking pig!
Muffy: Ooooh, I've always wanted to get fucked by a lady my size OH SHIT OH YEAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!
Mr. Ratburn: All right class settle down, now since all of you are so obsessed with sex so much all of a sudden, I have decided to dedicate the whole day to sex ed!
the whole class begins to scream in terror.
Mr. Ratburn: Now class, your first assignment is this.
Mr. Ratburn pulls down his fucking pants and underwear.
Ok,
Umm...
So....
well...
umm.....
so..
so....
Umm..
We See-
It was, how you say it?
We See Mr. Ratburn's penis in a fucking Kid's show.
Mr. Ratburn: SUCK. MY. DICK MOTHERFUCKA!
The whole class angrily says "no!"
Mr. Ratburn gets out a Panzerfaust 3 and points it at the entire class.
Mr. Ratburn: if no one wants to fucking suck my big juicy cock, then everyone is getting the death penalty! get to sucking my new dick bitches!
Everyone in the class gets into a line. Suddenly, sirens start to go off and it was the FBI. One of the students apparently called 911 on Mr. Ratburn as fucking Ram Ranch began to fucking play.
What the fuck? I'm watching!
FBI: *Knocks loudly on the classroom door* FBI OPEN UP!!!
Mr. Ratburn: ALRIGHT WHO FUCKING SNITCHED ON ME YOU DICK?!
FBI: YOU ARE UNDER ARREST FOR INDECENT EXPOSURE, GET IN THE FUCKING CAR RIGHT NOW!!!!
(The FBI fucking shoots Mr. Ratburn's phone, trying to do his tiktok.)
Mr. Ratburn: "YOU RUINED MY FUCKING TIK TOK!"
This didn't make any fucking sense, because the series came out in 1996, Tiktok didn't exist until 2016. Trust me, I'm a lawyer. And B.T.S Fucking Meal? Seriously? That didn't exist until 2021!
Mr. Ratburn gets out an fucking AK-47 out of his bag and begins to shoot at all the FBI officers. Hyper realistic blood sprayed out of all of them and it was a bit scary as Turn Down For What plays.
FBI: *dies*
The FBI fucking died.
Mr. Ratburn: OK class, since no one wants to fess up to being a fucking snitch, I guess I will have to kill every single last one of you fucking shitheads!
The entire class: HOLY SHIT!
Mr. Ratburn got out a minigun, and began to spastically shoot at all the students one by one. They were all wiped out in a matter of seconds, and hyper realistic blood was all over the fucking classroom. Mr. Ratburn then went on a rampage and shot everyone in the entire school. There was nobody left in the school besides Mr. Ratburn, and we saw Mr. Ratburn eat a B.T.S Meal and the episode wasn't fucking over.
Mr. Ratburn stuck his ass out of the windows and, putting his cajun and sweet chill in his ass, blasted a powdered Cajun and sweet chill shit at the nearest driver, causing a massive pileup and some woman to scream "OH MY GOD!!!!" over and over again.
And the episode absolutely ended.
All of a sudden a Word from Us Kids segment popped up, I really liked those and it was bringing back nostalgic memories, I wondered what it was about this time.
What the fuck?
This time it was the fucking Mr. Potato Head from motherfucking Toy Story. But something was wrong with this version of Mr. Potato Head. He kept moving his hand like he was FUCKING jacking off and repeatedly screaming "OH SHIT! OH YEAH!" Finally, a giant hand, presumably from the person filming, picked up Mr. Potato Head and fucking threw him under the train, which, even through it was O-scale, proceeded to run over the potato, causing Mr. Potato Head to scream "OH FUCK! OH NO!"
When the train finally passed it was revealed it was revealed that Mr. Potato Head had been cut into fucking KFC potato wedges by the train. I felt like I was going to fucking throw up. Then it said "Now back to Arthur! Only on Nick!" another title screen popped up in Japanese which read; "Arthur The Day Before Ü 2"
What
The
Fuck?
Arthur didn't air On Nick!
I couldn't take watching another episode of this so I popped out the VHS tape and broke that shit with a hammer so hard, but the VHS miraculously put itself back together and it was good as new. I had no idea what to do with the tape now. I then started to have blood come out of my fucking eyes, nose, mouth, and ears just like my little brother, I needed to go to the hospital but first I turned on the news because I like watching the news.
I tuned into Channel 666 News by mistake and the news reporter reported on a man who legally changed his name to Nigel Mo-Fuckin Ratburn and shot up an school close to my house. There were no survivors. I thought it was a creepy coincidence that this happened after I watched the fucking Arthur episode.
When I went to the hospital my doctor said that I had a rare illness known as "Rat Fever" and that I only had a week left to live, I really didn't care since Nigel Ratburn had killed my entire family and my brother died of the same illness that I have recently, so I had nothing to live for anyway.
If any of you ever see a VHS named Arthur13, just don't.
What did I hear?
Oh, Shit.
IT'S Mr. fucking Ratburn again! He powdered Cajuns and sweet chill shit on my fucking mouth!
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