AsukaLangley.waifu

So do any of you remember how Asuka is obviously better than Rei? Of course you do. Well, I hear there is an awesome unreleased episode from the original Neon Genesis Evangelion series that puts this simple science fact front and center.

According to sources, it's nothing special. It's just a continuous loop (like Suicidemouse.avi) of Asuka walking past six buildings that goes on for two or three minutes before fading out. Unlike the cost saving classical tunes put in though, the song on this episode was not a song at all, just a constant banging on a synth for a minute and a half before going to white noise for the remainder of the film.

It wasn't the amazing goddess Asuka we've come to worship either, Asuka wasn't Tsundereing, not even scowling, just kind of walking as if you or I were walking, with a normal facial expression, but for some reason her head tilted side to side as she kept this dismal look.

Up until a year or two ago, everyone believed that after it cut to black and that was it. When Lord Corncastle (yes this is a real person I swear) was reviewing the episode to be put in the mega ultimate too expensive for you collectors edition, he decided it was too junk to be on the DVD, but wanted to have a digital copy due to the fact that it was a creation of Anno's. When he had a digitized version up on his computer to look at the file, he noticed something.

The episode was actually 108 minutes long. This is what my source emailed to me, in full (he is a personal assistant of one of the higher executives at Studio Gainax, and acquaintance of Lord Corncastle himself):

"After it cut to black, it stayed like that until the 66th minute, before going back into Asuka walking. The sound was different this time. It was a murmur. It wasn't a language, but more like a gurgled cry. As the noise got more distinguishable and quiet over the next minute, the picture began to get pretty whacked out. The sidewalk started to go in directions that seemed impossible based on the physics of Asuka's walking. And the dismal face of the best girl was slowly curling into a smirk.

On the 100th minute, the murmur turned into horrible singing (it was Justin Bieber, that little brat hadn't even been born yet how did he end up in this episode?) and the picture was getting more clear. Colors were happening that made me feel like I was on some serious Acid. Asuka's hair thingies that give her twin tails began to fall apart. Her hair dropped like two marbles in a fishbowl, and her curled smile was pointing upward on the left side of her face, making her look like Envy from Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood.

The buildings became rubble floating in midair and the sidewalk was still impossibly navigating in warped directions, a few seeming inconceivable with what we, as humans, know about direction. Lord Corncastle got disturbed and left the room, sending an employee to finish the video and take notes of everything happening up until the last second, and afterward immediately upload the episode unto as many file sharing sites as possible. This distorted screaming lasted until 104 minutes and a few seconds in, and then it abruptly cuts to the "Fly Me to The Moon" at the credits of the end of every episode with what sounded like Justin Bieber singing it. It was the worst thing I ever heard.

This happened for about 60 seconds, and whatever was in that remaining 60 seconds I haven't been able to get a sliver of information about. From a security guard working under me who was making rounds outside of that room, I was told that after the last frame, the employee stumbled out of the room with pale skin saying "Baka-Shinji" seven times before speedily taking the guard's wallet and buying all the Asuka Langley related merchandise he could.

The thing I could get out of Lord Corncastle was that the last frame was a piece of Finnish text that roughly said "Asuka is love, Asuka is life". As far as I know, no one else has seen it, but there have been dozens of attempts at getting the file on KissAnime by employees inside the studios, all of whom have been promptly given promotions, Doctor Robotnik style.

Whether it got online or not is up for debate, but if rumors serve me right, it's online somewhere under "AsukaLangley.waifu". If you ever find a copy of the film, I want you to view it immediately, and to send me a link, regardless of how you have to do it. When a chance to row row and fight the powa is covered up as well as this, it means this has to be something huge.

Get back at me,

Theodore Roosevelt"

I've yet to find a copy of this, but it is out there. I can sense it.

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