Blue Shell Rant

The MK8 blue shell just kinds of rolls into your field of view, does a couple spins around your head as if it were to say "alright, I'm here now, let's get this over with", then just kind of plops down on you. You spin out, say "damn, blue shell" and continue your race.

The MKWii blue shell? That is not a shell, that is a winged psychopath wanted for war crimes in 27 different countries. The second you throw it it fires directly ahead, and you can only imagine what will happen seven spots ahead while clenching your teeth together. When you hear the shrill rapid beeping, you get scared—when it slows down and swells as it looms above you, ready to prey on your soul, you feel nothing but pure terror. Your grip on the Acceleration button loosens and you begin to close your eyes because you are fully aware that what is about to happen is inevitable. A cannon will not save you, it will merely buy you some time, maybe enough to call your loved ones.

And the way it drops down? Scratch that, POUNCES ON YOU? The motion it does when chasing you is a rhythmic, side-to-side dance of death, as if it is already savoring your inescapable demise. As it hovers above you, the wings spread, it bends down at the apex so that the demon possessing the godforsaken thing can you look upon your despair. And in a flash, it smashes into you, eviscerating you, your items and any hope that you may win this game.

There is only one way to defeat this beast—the elusive first place mushroom, applied at the most precise of moments, may save your life. As you dart away from the impact site which just atomized second place, you can't help but rejoice at your victory. Justice, at last.

But for just how long are you going to get lucky?

Comments • 0

Loading comments...