Caillou Goes to Tesco
Alright what's going on? The name's Sergio Falcone and I am a parrot. How am I able to write despite having feathers not hands? Well I am actually having my dearest manager David The Duke Dickinson write this for me to use in the testimony. I guess I should explain some things. I work as a singer in a smoky bar with the smell of wine and cheap perfume. The bar is called, "Smokey Smoke on Smoke,' and it is owned by none other than Big Smoke himself.
I am not alone when it comes to my singing as I sing with my partner and long time spotted dick addict Lucas Valdez. Valdez is a rooster with a serious hard on for guns like some kind of Hank Hill. He can't keep his red feathers off the triggers. His antics have caused big problems behind the stage for us as Big Smoke threatens to chuck us out if Valdez can't get his act straight. Despite me telling him time and time again that he needs to straighten himself out; Valdez refuses to listen as he is busy flirting with the waitresses while Donald Duck eggs him on in the background. It's disgusting I say!
Anyways, me and Valdez both live together in a massive bird nest just north of Strawberry. We are incredibly poor and make no practically no money from our singing career. We once got tipped £100,000 from an incredibly wealthy shrew who is getting paid by Big Pete. Big Pete owns the Christmas Tree Lot down in Croydon and makes like a million pounds a week. For reasons I don't know.
Valdez and I often spend the night at Captain Hook's boat where he does stockbroking just so we can avoid our landlord Sylvester Stallone having a go at us. In order to cope with our massive debts, Valdez suggested we borrow money from hardened criminal Vladimir Papkov. I tried to advise Valdez against it but it was far too late. Papkov was on our case nearly every day, He'd wait outside the bar for us to finish singing, and then would have us beaten to a pulp by his hired guns. "Let this be a lesson to you boys." Papkov would say as he farted into our beaks. It was so fricking disgusting it makes me vomit just thinking about it.
Aside from singing, I have tried to achieve my true life long ambition which is acting. I've landed a few acting jobs here and there in low budget movies like "A Mad Tutter," and "The Washing Machines Have Eyes." Sadly nothing ever comes from these as they are very cheaply made by Solomon Richards who has gone quite downhill ever since Michael De Santa took over his production company over in Vinewood Hills.
Now I didn't just go through that entire tangent just to make you feel sorry for me and my plight. No Siree I did not. This story isn't about me at all in fact it's all about a certain bald headed boy wearing a yellow shirt and blue shorts. I'm talking of course about Caillou. If you haven't seen Caillou before well... count yourself lucky friend. I cannot stand that bald headed shithead. Valdez on the other hand loves the show despite his protests to the contrary.
Me and Valdez had just finished singing one miserable Friday afternoon and preparing to head home. The bar closes much earlier on a Friday as Smoke has to listen to Rebecca Black's Friday for ten hours straight. Valdez and I reached our nest and headed inside to watch some TV. I sat down on the sofa and lit myself a cigar. I sure do love a good smoky smoke on smoke if you know what I mean.
Valdez took the remote from me and changed the channel over to Tiny Pop. The announcer who sounded like Cleveland Brown said that Caillou was coming on next. "Oh gosh Valdez change the channel!" I protested as Valdez said I would have to watch Caillou with him. "Do I have to?" I asked and Valdez simply replied with, "YOU MUST!" I didn't have anything better to do anyway so I agreed to watch it with him.
The episode started with the normal theme song however it was anything but normal. Caillou's shirt was red instead of yellow and this made me vomit all over the place. How could it not? Also, the person singing the lyrics was not Caillou no it was Big Shaq. Also, Daddy was replaced by Squidward and Caillou was shown beating the snot out of Pennywise with a rolling pin. This was not the Caillou that I know. It's just a greasy spoon. Seriously reader clean that sucker before it attracts mould.
The episode then started with the Grandma getting ready to read a storybook to her grandkids as normal. Only she was a fat fucking lizard with blue skin. She had clearly also been tricked into drinking the dreaded smurf juice like so many before her. "Story time kids!" The grandma proclaimed as she sat down on the sofa. There was only one grandkid instead of two and it was Billy Bob Tanley. "Give me a beer you fucking dog!" Tanley barked as the grandma proceeded to open up the storybook. "Today's story is called Caillou Goes To Tesco."
Caillou was shown messing around in the front yard while Daddy and Mommy load up the car for a road trip. "Come on Caillou we need to be at the Mushroom Kingdom before sundown." Daddy pleaded as Caillou made his way towards the car. He eventually got inside the car as Daddy put the radio on. The music that played on the radio was, "Eggs N Chips." I've never even heard of that fucking song before and I'm sure you haven't either reader.
During the car ride, Caillou asked, "where are we going Daddy?" Daddy turned around to face Caillou and said, "I just said the Mushroom Kingdom pay more attention idiot!" Caillou looked as though he was going to say something but Daddy interrupted him by saying, "we need to make a quick stop at Tesco's first to pick up some spaghetti and meatballs for King Mario." That's when I noticed something was off. Rosie was not in the car with them instead she was replaced by Mr Krabs. "I love money!" Mr Krabs proclaimed who sounded Welsh for some bizarre reason.
The car eventually pulled up outside Tesco as Caillou ran across the street without looking both ways first. Daddy did not seem care nor did Mommy as they followed Caillou inside. Caillou began pestering a man selling free samples because he looked like Quasimodo. "Caillou that is so fucking rude!" Daddy barked as he threw a slice of mouldy toast at Caillou's bold head. Daddy then proceeded to explain that if Caillou did not behave himself he would be handed over to Big Smile Lee. Caillou looked absolutely terrified and promised to start behaving.
Daddy and Mommy paid a visit to the bakery in order to pick up some sesame seed buns. The baker was none other than Wallace. "Why don't you come in?" Wallace asked before continuing with, "we were just about to have some cheese." Then without warning the episode transitioned to another part of the store where Garfield was shown eating some frozen pizzas. "Oi you! Stop that!" A middle aged man yelled at the top of his lungs. He looked some kind of college professor. "Sorry Professor I was just looking for a spot of tea." Garfield said. That was rather out of character for Garfield to apolisge for eating a pizza but then again I digress.
The episode then transitioned back to Caillou who had become lost from Daddy and Mommy. He made his way into the sweet aisle and looked absolutely dumbfounded. He had to face the facts. His head really was shaped like a balloon just like the Cockroach King had foretold him. "Caillou was a little bitch." The narrator could be heard saying in the background over and over and over again. Caillou saw something in the aisle which apparently caught his eye. A pack of gummy worms. He went to go grab the packet before getting thrown down the hall by none other than Bubble Bass. "I don't think so!" Bubble Bass proclaimed as he began eating the gummy worms like no tomorrow.
Caillou made his way down another aisle which was the pet food aisle. Daddy and Mommy meanwhile had requested the aid of a security guard named Moro. Moro was looking for his big break and this could be his chance. He had planning on retiring soon anyway and moving to Lost Heaven. He had contacts down there who could swing him a place on the roundtable. So Moro began going through the many aisles calling for Caillou. "When we find Caillou I'm gonna kick his ass." Daddy said evilly. They asked an incredibly fat man if he had seen Caillou. The man didn't reply instead he pulled an incredibly cheese face. I knew that face. That was none other than Donald Sandler district attonary of Great Britain.
Meanwhile, Caillou had made his way inside a backroom. In the backroom, some Ballas were hanging out smoking dope and offered Caillou some. Caillou had been warned about the dangers of drugs time and time again from his father, However other people like Caillou's teacher Miss Martin seemed to encourage the usage of drugs. Caillou decided he would tempt fate by smoking the dope. He took one huge puff and his eyes turned red. Caillou then proclaimed, "I like getting really high!" "We made him smoke drugs you sure this is cool?" One of the Ballas asked. Before he could get an answer Caillou had already left the backroom dancing and singing like a mad man.
The Ballas began chasing after Caillou so their boss Mr Parks would not find out about them smoking dope on the job. Lucky for them Parks was busy eating apples in his office and wouldn't be out for at least another six hours. "Grove Street OG's going down!" The Ballas cried as Ryder who was shopping with CJ and Sweet appeared in front of them. "Ballas!" Ryder cried as CJ said, "throw the cart at them." Ryder proceeded to throw the shopping cart at the Ballas killing all of them instantly. Sweet meanwhile smiled a cheesy grin the kind of cheesy cheese grin that only a mother could love.
Caillou meanwhile made his way down to the alcohol aisle where Garfield was. Garfield had also been lured into smoking dope with the Ballas. He had also gotten rid of the Professor under shady circumstances. Garfield made a stage appear magically and began dancing on it with Caillou. "He's on top of the wall he's on top of the wall." A male voice be could heard singing in the background in an overly serious tone. Garfield and Caillou danced for awhile with both of them dawning top hats and canes. "GARFIELD!" A voice yelled and the camera panned over to show the voice came from none other than Jon Arbuckle. "I'm very angry with you." Jon said as he proceeded to yank Garfield off the stage. Also Jon looked horrible. He looked like my toilet on a Sunday evening. Know what I mean?
Anyways, Jon began lecturing Garfield about potatoes or something I don't even know to be perfectly honest with you dear reader. Neither could Garfield from the look of thing as both he and Caillou were high as fuck. "Don't you try and blame this all on Odie!" Jon barked as the screen then showed Daddy, Mommy, and Moro appearing from behind Jon. "Hey where's Caillou?" Daddy asked as Caillou began messing around with the various shelves of wine and other alcoholic beverages. He managed to climb on top of the shelf with Garfield following behind him. Jon and Daddy began climbing up the shelf after Garfield and Caillou respectively.
Meanwhile, Billy Bob Tanley was shown buying beer and said, "I'm getting bored." Caillou and Garfield began dancing again as did Mr Krabs who was using his eye sockets as a skipping rope. "Ahoy me bucko!" Mr Krabs proclaimed when all of the sudden Jon and Daddy appeared behind Garfield and Caillou. "Caillou! I'm very disappointed with you." Daddy said angrily. Suddenly, the shelf began to break from all the pressure on it. Garfield and Caillou's antics had attracted the attention of Mr Parks who climbed on top of the shelf as well. "Listen here boyio!" Mr Park barked as he began squeezing apples with his bare hands. A dangerous pass time I know. Meanwhile, Sweet, Ryder, and CJ climbed on the shelf on the other side and began singing Christmas songs. "Oh no they're doing the Chilly Charlie cha cha!" Daddy cried out as he covered Caillou's eyes with his hand.
The episode then cut to another part of Tesco where the Sheriff from Robin Hood was seen buying fruit with Friar Tuck. "GET OUT OF MY CHURCH!" Friar Tuck yelled angrily as he began pushing Sheriff towards the alcohol aisle with his belly. Sheriff's two assistants Trigger and Nutsy sat on a cash register watching them. Sheriff was then pushed into the shelf which had Caillou and his crew standing on top causing it to become lopsided. It then began tilting towards the floor at a violent rate as Sheriff and Friar Tuck both climbed on top of it in order to continue their fight.
Mr Wong who was shopping for Easter eggs with Bugs Bunny climbed on top of the shelf which had CJ and his friends on top of. "Alright take it away and bring the goods." Mr Wong said bluntly as he was blunter than a blunt kitchen knife. Then all of the sudden Donald Sandler climbed on top of the shelf too and said, "now just calm down all of you!" This caused that shelf to start tilting towards the ground as well. Soon both shelves were full to the prim with people even Hank Hill had joined in on the fun. "I'm gonna kick your ass!" Hank yelled to Daddy as he and Daddy both began fighting to the death. Caillou didn't seem to notice as he was still suffering from the effects of the drugs. The shelves then both collapsed onto the floor in one masterful swoop. All the bottles of premium alcohol broke in that second causing a massive river of alcohol to start flooding the entire store.
The river of alcohol was so big that it actually left Tesco and began flooding the streets outside. "You see Caillou this is what happens when you do drugs." Daddy sighed as he climbed on top of Mr Parks who was being used as a raft as was Friar Tuck and Donald Sandler. Caillou and Garfield then both sobered up and realised what was happening. "What is going on Daddy?" Caillou asked as the river of alcohol crashed into a sophisticated dinner party being hosted by none other than Colonel Dodo himself. "Twiddley dee twiddley dee." Colonel Dodo sang as he had somehow noticed nothing out of the ordinary. The river was able to engulf the entire city and it continued on for miles and miles. Caillou felt nothing but guilt for his actions. Garfield didn't however and was busy eating lasagne which had been taken from Colonel Dodo's dinner party. "CJ watch the damn road!" Ryder barked as the river grew larger and larger carrying people left and right.
A time card then came on screen which read, "three days later." It was shown that the flood finally came to an end and destroyed all of the city in the process. "Bloody hell there's nothing left." Lord Cutler Becket remarked as he looked over the scene with his telescope. Even though it would be just as easy to see without it. The whole city was nothing but destroyed buildings and decaying grasslands. "We can sweep up and start again." Daddy said as Ryder put a gun to the back of his head. Everyone looked at Daddy and Mommy with a sinister glare. "If you two had kept an eye on your boy none of this would have happened!" Sheriff barked angrily. Garfield meanwhile was being lectured by Jon again who yelled, "when we get to our new home I'm giving you a list of chores which you'll never complete in a 1000 years!" That's when Daddy noticed something was off. "Hey where's Caillou?"
Caillou was shown standing on top of a nearby hill which overlooked the entire city. He had wanted to get out of the city for a long time and now was finally his chance to do so. Caillou was assumed to have died in the flood and a funeral was held in his honour. "Caillou was the best kind of kid. The kind that even Super Hans thinks is a swell fella." The priest said while he quietly sobbed onto the altar. Both Daddy and Mommy gave speeches in memory of their late son. Sheriff and Friar Tuck cried on each other's shoulder. You wouldn't think that they were at each other's throats only three days prior.
Caillou meanwhile went on the run to the circus where he found work as a circus master or some shit. I don't even know. He eventually moved on with his life as did Daddy and Mommy. Life went back to normal for them until they were captured by the Flying Dutchman who forced them join his salty crew. Other than that though totally completely normal. With that the episode ended with the normal credits. Only the names in the credits were not correct. It featured the names of Rabe Maniels, Donald Sandler, and General Asquith among others. The credits then said, "created by Vladimir Papkov." "That bastard!" I said as I pulled out a handgun which I had stuffed inside the sofa cushions like any normal fella.
Valdez followed me outside as we made our way towards Papkov's hangout. He owned a bar over in Broker called The Purple Otter which he used as a front for his criminal activities. "What are we going to say to him anyhow Sergio?" Valdez asked me as we reached the bar's front door. "We're gonna shoot this crumb bum." I said as Valdez sang, "now I get it let's go!"
Vlad didn't notice us as he was busy drinking PG Tips with some of his boys including the manager Mickey Hard Nuts who was also the father of the late great Johnny Hard Nuts. Vlad eventually noticed us and asked, "did I summon you here yokel?" "You made a Caillou lost episode which made both me and Valdez very upset." I complained. "Ah grow up yokel." Vlad said before continuing with, "I got a lot of powerful friends who won't take kindly to you threatening me in my own bar."
Papkov then proceeded to make a run for it leaving his hired guns to kill us but we managed to evade them. We chased Papkov down the busy streets until he came to a stop down by a little boardwalk area. "You're fucked yokel. My friends will track you down you won't last a moment!" Papkov cried angrily. "Oh really?" I asked like some kind of Captain Crook who still can't smile for cheeseburgers as much as he wishes he could do. "Anything happens to me then Rabe will send Tong to ask questions you got it yokel?" Papkov asked before continuing with, "Granny Dryden thought of me as her own son. She will get revenge." Papkov then pleaded for the last time by saying, "you two are nothing in this city you will be crushed. I just wish I could be there to watch Rabe and Dryden cut your peasant beaks off."
Valdez then pulled out two revolvers as we both began raining bullets into Papkov's body. Vlad then proceeded to collapse onto the floor dead and drenched in blood. "You were the stupid one Papkov. Nobody fucks with Caillou." Valdez said as we then proceeded to dump Papkov's body in the ocean. A shark picked it up and began playing with it like it was his best friend and that's just really sad. Well that's what I think anyway.
We left the area and caught a cab back to our nest only to find some people were already in there waiting for us. "Who the fuck are you guys?" I asked as one of the people obviously the ringleader said, "my name is Skyrunner SG-1 and these are my friends. You have any idea what you just did?" "I have killed a piece of shit nothing else." I replied bluntly as Skyrunner slapped me very aggressively. "You're gonna die if you don't go into hiding and fast. Granny Dryden is a psychopath. She's gonna to kill you and Valdez because you killed Vlad. Vlad was one of her top guys. That's how it works in the criminal underworld. You kill their guy they kill you." I slapped this so called Skyrunner across the face before saying, "we ain't going nowhere." "Are you sure about that?" One of Skyrunner's friends who was a fat fucking seal asked before I felt something hit the back of my head. With that I fell into a deep slumber as did Valdez.
When we awoke we were both in a house far away from our nest. "What's going on? You've got no reason to treat us like this!" Valdez cried as Skyrunner replied with, "uh your friend hit me in the face asshole. I can do whatever I like with you. Besides you should be thanking me. I just saved you and your friends lives by not letting Granny Dryden and Vinci get their claws into you boys for killing Papkov." At that moment, the door swung open as a man wrapped in a red dressing gown entered the room. "Shadow you should get some sleep." Skyrunner suggested as Shadow held up his hand in protest.
Shadow sat on the sofa next to me and Valdez and asked, "Skyrunner why is Patrick here? You know my feelings about him." "We need extra guns for what's happening Shads Pads. We're losing men by the day. We've been on the run from Maniels and Dryden for months now." Skyrunner explained. "I know you are right." Shadow sighed as he lit himself a cigarette. Patrick then appeared from behind Shadow and cried, "where's my candy Shadow!?" Shadow then proceeded to begin wrestling with Patrick and yelled, "I ain't got no candy for you Patrick you little piece of disgusting pink bubble gum!" "Something's never change." A voice could be heard saying. Skyrunner explained that that voice came from someone known as Shadow Lioness.
This so called Shadow Lioness entered the living room accompanied by her friends BC Network, Tyler Jamison, and Lazarus Marmite. "We're gonna need all the help we can get Shadow." Lioness said as she sat down next to Skyrunner. BC Network was shaking uncontrollably as he asked, "How come we going after Granny Dryden? Shouldn't we only be fighting Rabe Maniels?" Marmite chuckled a mighty sailor's chuckle before explaining, "Rabe came after us by killing Luca and turning Neddie against us. This is payback plain and simple." "But what if Dryden complains to Rabe and he sends Mr Tong after us?" Skyrunner began slapping BC Network with a fish as Shadow continued wrestling with Patrick.
The front door could be heard opening as ex police commissioners Sam and Max entered the living room followed by Officer Ran whose jaw was recovering slowly. How do I know these characters? Well dear reader I've been reading the enclosed Oliver Charles funnypasta guide. Haven't you? You better have cause there's a test afterwards. Ha only joking! You should have seen the look on your face! Priceless!
Sam and Max sat down in the living room while Shadow Lioness went to go and make cups of tea and scones in the kitchen. I hate scones just thought I'd let you know that dear reader. "So what's happening?" Skyrunner asked as he took a sip from a glass of orange juice. "Well," Sam said before continuing on with, "the rumours are true Skyrunner. Willie Cicci is testifying against Rabe Maniels at the senate hearings on Sunday." "About time too." Max said before continuing with, "that asshole cost us our job and turned the entire CLPD against us!" "We just gotta help that Cicci has enough information to put Rabe and his goons away for good. He's only a low level clown he ain't one of Maniels' lieutenants."
Shadow was still wrestling with Patrick and the pink starfish cried, "get off me Shadow!" Patrick then proceeded to shove a mouldy sweet wrapper down Shadow's throat causing him to start choking. Shadow Lioness was thankfully able to Heimlich the wrapped out of Shadow's throat as he began crying like a little girl. So cringey. I needed to get out of here and fast! I tried making a break for the front door only to get stopped by an incredibly fat man and his little British friend. "Wanna dance pretty boy?" The man asked as he carried me back into the living room.
Skyrunner looked at me and gestured his hand towards the fat guy and his friend, "don't mind them that's Richard Fatchurd and his PA Fritz." "I say Sir would you like a spot of tea?" Fritz asked Shadow who responded with, "anything to get that horrible wrapper taste out of my mouth!" Patrick started giggling as Shadow cried, "Patrick! You never learn your lesson do you?" Shadow then began wrestling with Patrick again.
Sam and Max both looked at each other dumbfounded and asked, "uh guys about those senate hearings?" Shadow stopped fighting Patrick and said, "oh we'll be there. That Cicci better be able to put Rabe behind bars or else well look out!" Shadow was then hit over the head with a lamp by Patrick who screamed, "ice cream!"
I lit myself a cigar and retreated to one of the bedrooms on the ground floor of the house. It was a fricking dump and smelt like gone off fish and cigar smoke. "What a fucking dump. God I wish had the cash for a hotel." I muttered as I laid down on one of the beds only to find a fat fucking walrus in bed next to me. "Hey handsome make some room." The walrus said as I screamed and screamed and screamed some more. I just wanted to go home. I just hope that Valdez feels the same way that I do. That's all I can really hope as the sun began to fall in Hushaby Mountain.
YouTube reading
Credited to Bruno Tattagllia
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