Chad's Photograph
The singer of the band Nickelback, Chad Kroeger, decided to explore the Canadian tundra out of sheer boredom and curiosity. He ended up finding a mysterious cavern in the middle of the tundra. "Maybe it's a good idea to check and see what's inside." he says. And slowly, he enters the cave.
About twenty minutes in, he realizes that he was completely lost. He searched high and low for a way out, but to no avail. Chad, convinced he became more lost than he already was, gives up.
Hours pass...
Chad starts singing to himself, imprisoned in the dark, dank tomb of a cavern with no exit, trying to stay sane. Nothing but a photograph to keep him company. Chad sings to it, his memories of said photo gradually fading away into the abyss around him.
Hour by hour, day by day, Chad slowly becomes dehydrated and starts hallucinating. The photograph becomes real, but terribly distorted. An altered, terrifying version of his own past materializes in front of his eyes, sensory-deprived and desperate for any picture. Joey's face melts away, the unknown object on his head twists & morphs until it becomes a cosmic horror, even more indistinguishable than before.
Chad, already weakened and desiccated, is paralyzed. He's unable to move, but the horror can. It slowly moves closer... closer...
A tentacle emerges from the darkness.
A foreign, terrible texture brushes against his skin. a perverse caress, chad frozen, a single tear wells up and rolls down his cheek. Chad does the only thing that he can remember anymore. he sings LOOK AT THIS PHOTOGRAPH. Eldritch screeches ring out around him. Chad continues, his mouth dry and his voice diminished by his time in the cavern. Even so, it's enough to infuriate the creature. It begins to thrash as even more unholy tones well up in dissonance, grabbing for the photograph simply to silence Chad.
LOOK AT THIS PHOTOGRAPH, EVERY TIME I DO IT MAKES ME LAUGH, the creature's tentacles begin to swarm around Chad, searching for the photo. The creature's efforts are in vain. Chad reaches the end of the song. EVERY TIME I DO, IT MAKES ME...
The creature is gone...
Chad, finally in solitude, stares at the photograph, smiles, wonders if he should go back to school and try to graduate. The last of his life escapes from his body with this thought, and the photograph slowly slips from his hands...
Chad wakes up...
He is safe next to his wife, Avril Lavigne. Drenched in sweat, his heart's pounding.
Avril stirs from her sleep. "Is everything okay?" she asks.
"Yes," says Chad. "I just wish I knew what was on Joey's head."
Chad goes back to sleep...
Credited to Bastard Crab
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