Chilling Tale Don't Read Alone

A Terrible And Haunting Tale of Horror

I'm sure none of you will understand. I don't expect you Neanderthals to get this.

First of all, Cthulhu was not around; of that I am sure. And I know you all will jump straight to conclusions and profess that it was Pipe Head Horror, and to that you would also be incorrect. You see, none of those logical explanations quite hit the mark. Oh, hi Mark.

Anyway, it all started when I was playing Pong with my best friend on PlayStationNow. I, of course, was dominating the game. Wait, no, I lost. My bad. However, this game of Pong is irrelevant. Don't worry about it, I know your geriatric brains cannot keep up with two things at once. But anyways, back to the story.

So it was around 11:00 PM, and as I was retreating to the comfort of my bedroom to watch my mime program, it happened. Something impossible... something... unholy. Now, before you call me paranoid and behave like a foolish peasant, please understand that no one, not even a horsefly, was here in my cottage with me.

As a matter of fact, my village was complete empty. It was as if all of my familiars had vanished into thin air. Now, I've already told you to get off the game of Pong. Let it go, you hobknocker. Anyways, what I'm trying to say is that my controller was missing, and that Joe Rogan program was on instead.

Now, there is no way I could've flipped it over by mistake, so don't even go there. Auto-play was disabled as well. Joe Rogan is straight ballsack, and I'm not buying into his communist agenda. He can go right on back to whatever planet he came from. You hear that, Jamie? I'm through! Anyways, I was slightly rattled by what was before me. However, it was not because of the fact that my cottage was vacant, bar myself, and my controller was somehow abducted and my program switched; more so by the fact that I was forced to behold the face of Rogan!

Now, I know you're all wrought with anticipation. Trust me, confide in me, I am surely getting to the point. Anyways, in the classical escape games the objective and means by which it is completed are rather cut and dry. However, in this reborn horror escape game, all of the playing skills you learned from Granny will not suffice. You are forced to think outside of the box, you dunce-lot.

But why are you downloading video game knock-offs from the App Store anyway? I'm trying to get through to you, you twat!!!

Well, if you failed to understand anything up to this point, at the very least remember this: Look both ways before you go to sleep, because Khufu is watching.

Now, you are sorely mistaken if you believe me to be "trolling." No, I am always serious. Khufu quite literally had me between a rock and a hard place. Now, take that as you will, but I must say it's rather foolish to simply laugh this off as pathetic schoolboy-rumor-tossing . I mustn't say anymore, so stop asking.

Anyways, I finally drifted off into a restless slumber. Abruptly, I was awakened by a loud crash. "BANG!" Now what? It must've been those pesky Egyptians again.

Now, why the pharaoh Khufu was trying to slay me, I do not know. Hastily, I referred back to one of my mentors' old fables: "If everyone could be Batman, then there would be no need for Batman." Now this should've consolidated me, but it didn't. A whipper-snapper like me still would pale in comparison to the mighty Piccolo. Now, when did he show up? Ahh, I don't remember.

Unfortunately, all of Bouche's Blessed Eskimo Water proved ineffective against the sheer power of that unnecessarily fortified Piccolo. Honestly, introducing him to the battle was quite uncalled for. If Khufu was all he was hyped up to be, he wouldn't have enlisted the aid of Picollo, my bad... Piccolo.

Now, are you scared yet?

If you have the cojones to read the rest of this chilling tale, then I suggest you reevaluate your life choices. But thanks for the memories, kid. Anyway, given that the Pharaoh Khufu wanted to eradicate me, I figured I'd take my chances at an escape attempt. Live to fight another day, right? Bad idea, I forgot about that pesky Parx fandom. Honestly, I'd rather just get special-beam-cannoned than have to subject myself to the ear-piercing atrocity known as Waterparks.

So if anybody knows whether or not MilionMilerMusic has read my DM's, please let me know ASAP. Okay? Bye.

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Written by ColdCojones
Content is available under CC BY-SA

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