Deal with the devil

i don't usually shit at three in the morning, but when i do, it's never a good time. i've been home alone for a few days and that means i've been eating like an unsupervised three year old: not good. my bowels woke me up a few nights ago just churning and groaning. i had no choice but to hobble to the bathroom and began my labour.

the two most frequent substances in this situation are either in the form of a brown river flowing out my third eye or an immovable obstruction of the evacuation process resulting in an incredibly slow and painful shit. the other night, it was the latter. i resigned myself to the inevitable as that shit started grinding out.

i've prayed to god before in these moments and he never provides relief so, at this juncture, i thought i might attempt a communion with satan.

'oh satan! immortal... hell guy. i beseech you this night! as you rule unquestioned the bowels of the earth, so i invite you to become master of the mire and misery in my own gut. your humble servant, i ask only that you rippeth not asunder my tender hole this night. grant my log a swift and safe passage and release me from this puckering misery. i offer in return the entire length of my tubes to your eternal glory. use them as you may. torment souls in their darkness or employ them for the safe transport of narcotics. whatever you're into, really, just go nuts. what sayeth you, the one of horns and crowns who rejoices in the sin of man?'

from the toilet bowl, an unmistakable voice gurgled beneath me. 'the deed is done' it said, quickly followed by a splash.

the blood drained from my face. i really should not have offered my butt to satan. have you seen that guy's search history?

---

Credited to nobodynewknew 

Comments • 0

Loading comments...