Death of Sponge Bock (scary dont watch plz)
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NSFW WARNING
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I originally posted this on Reddit, but now I figured it was high time to get more eyes to look at this literary masterpiece. Nobody escapes the absorbent wrath of Sponge Bock.
Strap in ladies and gents, for this experience will change the perception of life, the universe, and White Castle bathrooms for the rest of your life.
So one day 10 years ago back in 2007, I was walking around in my neighborhood, minding my own business and egging my neighbors houses. You know, usual stuff that every 19 year old did. But then all of a sudden, I stumbled across this orange VHS tape lying on the asphalt in the middle of the street. My curiosity was piqued, and I picked it up and read the title of the VHS: Spank my Spongy Asscheeks, a Sponge Story. Right off the bat, I had so many questions about what I just stumbled upon. Like for instance, aren't VHS tapes supposed to be pink??? I decided to put off answering these pressing questions for another time and took the tape with me.
When I got home, without any hesitation, I shoved that tape right in my PS2 and played away. Unfortunately, the asshole who dropped this tape forgot to rewind it, and I got the screamer at the end COMPLETELY spoiled for me. Great. Now I know Regan Macneil is gonna summon the shit gods to completely drain the brown life force out of my anus at the end. Eh, what can you do?
Anyways, I rewind the tape, and almost immediately, it begins with some demonic chanting while images of every spongebob character flash on the screen and fade out almost like that one creepy ass Assassins Creed 2 commercial. Remember that? Anyway, after that boring ass scene, followed by an ear piercing scream, the show begins with the usual intro.
You know what the weirdest part about that beginning portion of the recording was? That scream didn't even come from the TV. It came from my brother in the basement getting violently murdered. The more you know, I guess. Anyway, fact dump aside, the normal intro plays, but something was off about it. The music seemed to be at a deeper pitch, hell everything was at a deeper pitch. The intro sped up and slowed down in random places, and sometimes random characters would get bloody mega unrealistic eyes at random. And at one point, one of the characters ran up to the screen and screamed: BEFORE YOU SAY IT IT'S NOT A FUCKING GLITCH YOU LITTLE BOTTLE OF DIET DIPSHIT. Yeah, I guess you gotta expect glitches like that from VHS tapes every now and again.
Anyways after the intro, the title card shows up: Patrick Think's You're Gay, Romeo. Well that's just plain weird, I thought to myself. My name isn't even Romeo! The episode begins with Spongebob shooting Squidward in the face with a shotgun, before laughing and then saying: "Wait, this isn't water, it's a fucking shotgun!" Which I thought was hilarious. The episode continues with Spongebob going to Patrick's house to discuss the ideals of communism. This scene was honestly fucking disturbing to me and it went on for 5 minutes, especially when Patrick out of nowhere said: "But Spongebob, the profit motive, when it is the sole basis of an economic system, encourages a cutthroat competition and selfish ambition that inspires men like us to be more focused on making a living than actually making a life for ourselves, which will eventually lead us to our 50's, hell even our 60's, stuck in this exact same spot in life that we're at right now with nothing to show for it. Is that how you want your life to end? With nothing but regret over having worked too much instead of actually living, and I mean REALLY living?" Like what the fuck, who put this in a kids show? This is so inappropriate!
Anyway, after that fucked up scene, Spongebob goes to the Krusty Krab to tell Mr. Krabs that Squidward killed himself. This news devestates Krabs, and the next scene shows him boarding a plane, breaking a window, and then getting sucked out of the plane and falling to his death. It then cuts to his corpse, which bared an unsettling resemblance to some imitation crab meat I had for lunch yesterday. How the fuck did Sponge Bun know I ate that for lunch?! This is getting weird.
Anyway, after Patrick.exe casually murders Sandy and Gary in some weird Sega Genesis world with blood everywhere, it cuts to him and Spongebob standing in Patrick's house looking directly at each other. The music began to grow more and more ominous and unsettling, and the camera kept cutting to Spongebob and Patricks blank face back to back, each time getting more and more creepy. Their faces would keep losing minor details like freckles and lines and this or that, and eventually it cut to the screamer I mentioned earlier. Just as I expected, my asshole delivered an early Christmas to the unlucky couch cushion below me, as a fountain of the stuff unleashed its fury on the poor, unassuming couch. Then out of nowhere, it cuts to Patrick flopping on the ground like a seal and dropping onto this small puddle before disappearing, and then it cut to the most horrifying thing I've ever seen: Spongebob was fucking naked. Twinkie, spongeballs and all. He stared right at me, squarecock in hand and said: When in doubt, whip it out. Oh and then red static appeared ending the episode abruptly and my TV blew up.
Great, now on top of being traumatized, I got another stupid glitch on my TV. Anyway, that's my story. Afterwards, Spongebob murdered my Dad and then I got him back by banging his mom. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go hang myself. Oh yeah, and don't watch the tape or whatever or you'll get herpes or some shit. Toodles.
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