Despicable Me: Director's Cut

I'm a total Despicable Me fan much like everyone else, one of my favorite characters in the series is the minions, because they are small, yellow, cute, funny creatures. Well, my friends told me that there was a unreleased director's cut of the film.

It all started with me playing Despicable Me: Minion Rush on my iPod, then I got bored and went on my computer. I remembered recently from my friends about director's cut of the film, and I started looking for it. I tried contacting the people who worked on the film, via emails or phone calls, but I never got a response or I only got an answering machine.

My last resort was contacting Pierre Coffin, the person who directed Despicable Me and Despicable Me 2. I managed to get on a Skype interview with him, and I asked him general questions like "Where did you get the idea for this film?" and "What did you think of the finished film?" and whatnot. So when I finally asked him about the purported "Director's Cut", he just fell silent. I could see his face going pale. He proceeded to tell me, "Oh, please. I don't think you should look for it. Sorry." He hung up the call right then, and I just sat at my desk, confused. I went to bed.

The next day, I tried emailing Mr. Coffin about the Director's Cut, in an attempt to find out more. I managed to get a response exactly forty-five minutes later! The email said: "I'm not sure if seeing it is a very good idea, but I'll let you have it, as long as you give me your address so I'll be able to send it to you. Just like everything else you see, the following that you will see in this will definately become one of your permenant memories." I was unsure if I really wanted to see the Director's Cut at this point, but hey, morbid curiosity got the best of me. So I sent back another email with my address and a "thanks".

About a week later, I received a package from Mr. Coffin himself. It was the Director's Cut DVD... strangely it had the exact same design as the regular Despicable Me DVD. I was so overjoyed, I grabbed my DVD player, went to go get some popcorn and some lemonade, then I put in the disc, sat down, and was ready to watch the director's cut. Little did I know, my dreams of this film were yet to be crumbled (well, pretty much) when I pressed the play button. Oh, no. I've never should have done that, but since this got the best of me because of that I'm a Despicable Me fan, I actually did.

If only I would take that back.

After the Universal Pictures and Illumination Entertainment logos appear, the intro of the film plays, but it was different. You know, where a young Vector stole the Great Pyramid of Giza? Well, the shot just... stays there. It just froze on the Egyptian desert. The camera didn't move at all. You couldn't even hear the voices. It was just total silence. Strange, but I didn't care.

After about two minutes, it cut to the scene of Gru and the girls (Margo, Edith and Agnes) arrive at Vector's fortress and Gru manages to steal the shrink ray...Hmm, this appears to be pretty late in the film. Again, it was dead silence. It cut to static for about three minutes, but again it was silent. The weird thing is that I could make out some sort of video in the static...

It looked like Vector standing over the girls and pulls out a knife, rip their chest and ate their guts. Revolting! I nearly vomited, but after the video clip ended, the film cut to the scene where Gru went to the rocket ship, but again it was silent.

It soon got to the scene of where Gru shrinks the moon. As the moon was shrinking, the screen fades into static. This time there was no hidden video thankfully, and it was just regular static. It cut to the shot of Gru rushing hurry to pick up the girls. However the scene went on longer than I expected...

It showed Gru finally got to the girls' ballet recital, and then, for no reason, Gru walks out to the show and began to cry. Not like cartoon crying, but actual real person cry.

It then cut to Gru saving the girls, where Vector reneges on the deal, flying off with the girls and the moon, much to Gru's anger. Only this time, the main characters didn't succeed. Gru and Margo began to fall and blood and gore splattered off when they hit the ground. Then, Vector kills Edith, Agnes, Dr. Nefario, and the Minions, then he destroys Gru's ship.

Instead of the credits rolling, there was just a black screen, with the Giygas theme playing for 30 seconds. I took out the disc, and shoved it into the DVD shredder.

I am NEVER gonna buy any of the bootleg discs like this. I had nightmares about the disc for almost a week. But at least I'm still a total Despicable Me fan much like everyone else. The original movie aired on ABC Family one day. As I sat there for 25 seconds, there was a whisper behind me:

"Play with me..."

I turned around and it was a minion plushie, with red eyes, smiling.

I grabbed it, threw it out the window, and shouted at him, "Leave me alone! I have no time to play!"

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