Despicable Me: The Impossible Might of Gru
There's a lot of stories on the internet about undiscovered films. Most are usually about scrapped plans for a movie that never saw the light of day, a script that got tossed out, maybe, or some concept art that surfaced online, or even, if you were really lucky, a few minutes of footage.
But there's a strange sub-category, if you will, to this kind of thing. Some people claim that there exist "lost films", movies that were developed usually as part of a popular franchise that were stopped from releasing for one reason or another. You might have even heard of "lost episodes" of certain TV shows, and some of them exist, but more often than not it's just the elaborate work of an internet prankster.
I was never really a believer in that kind of stuff. Why would anything exist that we didn't all know about? I was one of those "go by sight, not by faith" kind of people, and thought the entire idea of some weird lost movie or TV show episode was just a lame joke of sorts, incredibly unlikely to exist, at least in the way people like to claim.
I was wrong.
Where I live there's a number of small business, with names you've probably never heard. They did well enough thanks to the locals, so they generally stuck around, but they also struggled enough for money that they would run sales on items fairly frequently.
The only business in the immediate area you'd probably be familiar with was Family Video. The location wasn't particularly well kept up, and there were a number of complaints about faulty discs and other things that seemed a bit unusual. The supply was usually pretty low, though I did occasionally manage to find a decent film to watch on Blu-Ray.
The store occasionally ran extra deals on movies that were considered "classics". Basically, if a movie had been out for a certain number of years, they'd run an additional discount. I'm pretty sure this wasn't an official Family Video practice, but this particular store was desperate. I tried to stop in every now and then to support them.
Most recently, I had dropped by to pick up a movie or two, and noticed a poster in the window advertising a 50% off sale on any of the "classics" they were offering. A lot of them were actually fairly old films, although one of them was Despicable Me, which had came out in 2010, so, not THAT long ago, just over ten years (at the time of this writing, anyway).
Now that was a movie I hadn't actually seen before. I'd seen the second one with some friends, but hadn't paid much attention to it, and besides, I wanted to check out the original. I figured I'd go inside and pick the movie up, because why not?
I walked into the store and browsed the usual films there, although the selection was mostly picked over, and, since the store wasn't stocked particularly well, I actually couldn't find Despicable Me on any shelves. Being determined, however, I decided to just ask the next employee that I could find, and to my surprise, he opened a door to a back room in the building and brought out a bin of movies from some kind of overflow. A lot of the films in the bin had noticeable marks or scratches on the cover, which is probably why they weren't put out for sale. He told me that last he had checked, there was a copy of Despicable Me in the bin, and if I was willing to deal with the case and all being in somewhat poor condition, he'd sell it to me for a lower price.
I agreed, not caring that much about anything but the disc inside, went home, and opened the case.
Now, like I said, the case was a bit banged up, but honestly, not too terribly so. No, it was the disc, not the case, that caught my attention.
The disc didn't seem right. I mean, it was definitely for a Despicable Me Movie, and it had Gru on it and all, but written under the Despicable Me Logo was the subtitle "The Impossible Might of Gru".
Maybe this was a sequel? No, that didn't sound right, considering the sequels were just called Despicable Me 2 & 3, respectively.
I actually got pretty excited. Could this really be an undiscovered film? I rushed to my disc player and put the disc in.
A menu popped up, though it was just a static image of Gru in front of a triangular construction sign. The sky behind him was a weird shade of red, but I thought it actually looked kind of badass, honestly. I clicked the "play" button that appeared.
I couldn't have ever expected what came next.
The Illumantion Logo appeared, but suddenly, there was a fuckin' realistic explosion as the O and N on the end fell off the logo, which now said "Illuminati". A bunch of fuckin' Minions started marching out and performing some kind of disturbing ritual in Greek as the Eye of Providence began fading in to some distorted remix of the X-Files theme. The Minions started chanting in deep, guttural voices as the entire screen started violently shaking and distant crashing sounds were heard.
Now, I'm pretty sure Illumantion movies didn't usually start with.....whatever I just saw.
The movie opened on Gru lying in a lawn chair.
It just kinda lingered on this shot for like 20 fuckin' minutes while some weird rap song played in the background.
Gru didn't move.
What the fuck was the point of this? Was he asleep? Was he fuckin' dead?
Finally, Gru sprung up from his chair.
"I cannot believe I have a twin brother. Pretty cool shit, I gotta say."
Did Gru just fuckin' say "shit"? That was new. Now I don't know much about Despicable Me, but I know he had a twin brother in the third movie. Why was Gru talking about him AGAIN?
"I must visit my brother. I must. I must see him." Gru kept saying over and over again. He sounded kind of panicked.
Gru got up and went outside, but the sun was blue. Gru just acted like this was normal as he got into his comically large car, the Grumobile.
What happened next horrified me.
The movie began to play "Mo Bamba" by Sheck Wes, completely uncensored, as Gru started driving the Grumobile straight through his neighbors' fucking houses. He kept leering out the window and laughing as a fucking tank suddenly came out of nowhere and started trying to stop him.
I shit you not, the fucking Cat in the Hat was driving the tank. Not the animated one, no, the fucking Mike Myers live-action Cat in the fucking Hat was driving a damn tank and trying to kill Gru.
He looked incredibly bizarre, considering the rest of the movie was animated. It was like someone had green-screened him into the film, and not particularly well.
"I'M GONNA FUCKIN' MERK YOU!" The Cat in the Hat SCREAMED as he started trying to ram his tank into the Grumobile.
I was really taken aback by the cursing in this movie. Did the Cat in the Hat really need to be dropping F-bombs?
"I'LL MAKE IT LOOK LIKE A FUCKIN' ACCIDENT!" The Cat screamed again as he nearly blew Gru's wheels off.
Gru then lurched out of the window of his car with a fucking RPG and shot the Cat in the Hat down.
"I guess the Cat in the Hat shat in a vat", Gru said as a fuckin' chemical vat started opening in the ground under the Cat in the Hat and he fell in.
Ok, what the FUCK? I was still in shock from what I just saw, but the movie kept going as Gru got into a helicopter that was just kinda there, and said "Time to visit my brother" in his weird Gru accent.
We then see Gru visiting the home of his brother Dru, who came backflipping down the stairs as Mo Bamba started fucking playing again.
"What is up, brother?" Dru said, in an equally weird voice to Gru.
"Do you know what is up? GAS PRICES!" Gru hollered.
Gru then started walking around in circles, like he was thinking about something. "Somebody tried to attack me on the way here, brother. He looked very strange. Like a cat in a hat."
This seemed to disturb Dru, who suddenly said "We must go inside" and took Gru into the secret basement in his house.
Dru then began to explain how the fucking Lorax had actually been evil this entire time.
Yes, that's right, the Lorax.
You see, to protect the trees, the Lorax had devised a plan to kill every human on Earth in a chemical weapons attack.
I had to rewind this scene about 20 times to make sure I wasn't going crazy. That was the stupidest fucking story I had ever heard in my entire life.
Dru then opened a closet and the Lorax's limp, dead body came tumbling out.
"You see, brother, I killed the Lorax." Dru said.
Gru screamed.
"Why did you kill the Lorax? Now the Cat in the Hat is trying to kill me!" Gru said with fury.
"He thinks that you are me. We must kill him together" Dru said, as the movie suddenly cut to a stupid fuckin' montage of Gru and Dru getting incredibly fuckin' shredded at the gym to loud, angry rock music.
"Where the FUCK are my FUCKING MINIONS?" Gru SHRIEKED.
"Well, you are not evil anymore, and you must be evil, or no Minions" said Dru.
Gru and Dru then decide to commit a truly villainous crime to make the Minions come back.
We see Gru breaking into a hospital to do something evil, but Dru kept farting loudly. I really wasn't a fan of fart jokes, so this scene kind of annoyed me.
Gru finally turned around and said "For fuck's sake, can you control your ass? We need to be quiet!"
"I can be quiet", Dru said.
Dru then whipped out a MASSIVE fucking boombox playing some Juice WRLD song and started pouring fuckin' lean into the IV bags.
"TURN THAT SHIT OFF, DRU! WE NEED TO BE QUIET!" Gru SHRIEKED so fucking loudly my dog went downstairs and took a shit on the floor.
Suddenly, Gru's wife Lucy and their three adopted daughters, Margo, Edith and Agnes appeared driving a dump truck full of Minions.
But then, the weirdest shit I have ever seen appeared.
The Cat in the Hat suddenly BURST through the ground standing on a massive green glowing hand.
"I'm the Cat in the HAND now, BITCH!" He hollered.
Gru then snapped his fingers, and the Minions suddenly started forming into a fucking mech and punched the Cat in the Hat off his massive hand.
"I'M THE GRU IN THE SHOE!" Gru yelled as he started shoving a fucking shoe down the Cat in the Hat's throat.
The Cat in the Hat started fucking choking on the shoe and nearly died.
"WE'VE ALMOST GOT HIM, BROTHER!" Gru hollered to Dru, who pulled out a comically large gun that fired fucking pizza crust from it.
Suddenly, the Cat in the Hat whipped out a copy of the game Need For Speed and threw it at Gru's face, nearly breaking his long-ass nose.
"Need for Speed? What about LUST FOR CRUST?" Gru HOLLERED as he fired the gun straight through the Cat in the Hat, slicing him in half with the sheer power of concentrated crust.
The Minions suddenly appeared started running EVERYWHERE and celebrating as the hospital collapsed.
"We did it, brother. We killed the Cat in the Hat." Dru said.
"Yes, brother. It was truly evil. We showed him the power of crust." said Gru.
Suddenly, the fuckin' Keebler Elf BURST through the ground driving a massive fuckin' underground drill and shit.
"LICK MY FUCKING ELF ASS!" he SCREAMED as he started firing an assault rifle at Gru and Dru.
"Shit, it's that fucking elf!" Dru screamed.
"What fucking elf?" yelled Gru.
Dru sighed deeply.
"The elf shooting at us, you fucking carrot leg long nose bowl head fried egg scarf wearing white Dr. Phil looking asshole!" Dru SCREECHED at Gru.
Gru then pulled a fucking handgun out of his coat and shot Dru point blank in the fucking head.
It wasn't Dru.
It was the fucking Grinch.
"Holy shit, what the fuck?" Gru hollered at the Grinch.
The Keebler Elf started fuckin' laughing, although he suddenly looked Korean for some fuckin' reason.
"Where is my real brother?" Gru screamed at the Grinch.
This was kinda pointless, because Gru had just shot the Grinch in the head and he was fucking dead now, so Gru was just screaming at a corpse, which was REALLY fuckin' stupid.
Gru then picked his crust gun up off the ground and shot the Keebler Elf, who burst into a disgusting mess of blood, guts, and cookie dough.
What the fuck was I even watching? My fingers instinctively reached for the phone to type 911, because I was honestly fucking terrified of this disturbed animated movie.
Suddenly, the Cat in the Hat, who was somehow alive, started crawling towards Gru as some weird green fuckin' energy started coming out of his eyes.
"I will...ressurrect......the master."
At the moment, a fucking 600 foot Lorax burst out of a nearby building.
"That's a spicy meat-a-ball!" The Lorax SCREAMED as he threw a fucking chopper at Gru.
Gru launched into the air with a jetpack and started shooting at the Lorax.
"Where is my brother, you fat orange BITCH?" Gru screamed.
The Lorax started picking up a skyscraper as people began to scream.
Gru then grabbed the Cat in the Hat, broke his fucking neck, tied a grenade onto his ass, and hurled him at the Lorax, blowing a massive hole in the Lorax's head.
"I guess he's the Cat in the HEAD now!" Gru screamed as the Lorax burst into flames.
The Minions then appeared carrying Dru to safety.
"Oh, thank goodness, brother! You are alive!"
The Lorax was still trying to fucking kill Gru, even though the Lorax was on fire.
Stupid Lorax.
Dru then morphed into a tank like a fucking Power Ranger on crack and shot the Lorax, killing him instantly.
The battle was over.
"We have defeated them all, brother. We are safe now." Dru said.
Gru and Dru then walked into the sunset as dramatic cinematic music started playing.
What the FUCK did I just watch?
I was shocked. Was THIS the real reason there were never any more Live-Action Dr. Seuss movies?
The Credits played, but they were just footage of the fucking Keebler Elf again twerking to some rap music that was so fucking loud I couldn't even make out the words. All the names in the credits were some stupid shit like "Yung Yung Yo" or "Michael Ass", and the movie was apparently directed by some guy named "Christopher Fartini", which was just REALLY fuckin' stupid.
Afterward, there was a weird post-credits scene where Gru stared into the screen and said
"That's all she wrote, now go out and vote!"
The fuck? Was Gru trying to talk politics?
Anyway, our story ends here, dear friend. And remember, support your Local Family Video- if it's still in business.
Credited to Chimichangar
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