Despicable Me: The Shocking Fate of Gru
This is a fictional joke story, don't take it seriously.
Before we get started, I'd just like to ask how your day's been, because mine's been absolute shit. It's been the shittiest day I've ever had, and that's a pretty big accomplishment on the shit scale, considering I've had some pretty shitty days before.
But amazingly, because it's honestly the 8th fucking wonder of the world at this point, my day somehow managed to get worse. How the FUCK that happens, I don't know.
I woke up to the worst fuckin' smell imaginable. I was one of those guys who collected fuckin' Star Wars Heinz pasta from like 33 years ago and kept it in my pantry because, being the Star Wars collector I was, I HAD to fuckin' have it. I had to have that fuckin' Star Wars Heinz fuckin' pasta that FINALLY went bad and fuckin' smell-nuked my house with how terrible it smelled. I had to open the containers, clean the fuckin' pasta and whatever microscopic fuckin' civilization was probably fuckin' growing in there off, and flush that shit down the FUCKIN' garbage disposal. It was fuckin' nasty. I swear my fuckin' carbon monoxide detector was about to go off as I stared at Jar-Jar Binks's fuckin' face on the container, mockingly fuckin' leering at me as I washed his shitty pasta down the sink. I watched every fuckin' stinky pasta noodle go shitting down the fuckin' sink like fuckin' dead slugs, because my fuckin' sprayer or whatever the fuck you call it wasn't working.
When the fuckin' pasta-pocalypse was over, I stepped backwards, tripped and fell down a fuckin' flight of stairs, because my sink is really close to the fuckin' basement thanks to whatever fuckin' stoner named Jank fuckin' Funko who built my fuckin' house. Then my fuckin' dog came running down the fuckin' stairs and started licking my fuckin' face, which was really FUCKIN' annoying, so I told him to fuck off, but he just went into the living room and took a fucking shit on the carpet, probably because he heard my fuckin' Bluetooth or some shit.
Then my fuckin' stupid neighbor started throwing fuckin' packages at my fucking door. He almost broke the fuckin' windows with all the shit in the fuckin' packages that I didn't fuckin' order. I don't know who the fuck at Amazon or E-Bay or fuckin' Ice Cold Doritos or whatever the fuck handled this shit, but it was getting really fuckin' annoying, especially when a fuckin' package actually DID come flying through the fuckin' window, so I opened the stupid fuckin' thing, and inside, was a DVD. It looked like one of those fuckin' Despicable Me movies, but the title was "Despicable Me: The Shocking Fate of Gru"
Well, that was fuckin' weird, but who was I to judge? I pretty much lived in shocking BULLSHIT anyway, so I told the package guy to fuck off before I call a fuckin' SWAT team or something and put the disc into my Blu-Ray player.
We open on Gru in his house talking to his twin brother Dru from Despicable Me 3. You know what's fuckin' stupid? Gru's first name isn't fuckin' Gru. It's Felonious. Felonious Gru, that is Gru's actual name. Dru's first name, on the other hand, actually IS Dru, which, seeing as he and Gru are brothers, means his name is Dru Gru. DRU GRU. WHAT THE FU- DRU GRU. DRU MOTHERFUCKING GRU. SERIOUSLY?
Anyway, Gru and Dru were talking when Dru suddenly said
"I am so glad we defeated Galactus, brother!"
Ok, hold on, WHAT? THE? FUCK? Galactus, the fuckin' Marvel Comics character? What the fuck was Gru on about? I felt like this was probably connected to some other movie, but as far as I knew there were only 3 Despicable Me movies. I must've been wrong. Maybe this was actually the sequel to some OTHER movie called, oh I don't know, "Despicable Me: The Despicable Destiny of Gru" or something like that. Wink, wink, poke, poke, prod, prod.
"Yes, Dru. Galactus was defeated thanks to the power of THIS!" Gru SHRIEKED as he pulled the fucking Infinity Gauntlet out of nowhere and slipped it on his hand.
Dru began to laugh like a FUCKING maniac.
"Ah, yes! THE INFINITY GAUNTLET! But brother, how did you get that in the first place?" Dru asked.
"Minion Dave found a spell book when we were fighting Bill Cipher." Gru said. "There was a summoning spell, so I summoned the INFINITY GAUNTLET! I can summon whatever I want. See?" Gru said as he cast a summoning spell, and John F. Kennedy's limp, decaying corpse suddenly came falling from the ceiling.
I guess Gru had magic powers now thanks to whatever spell book he was talking about. But JFK? Why the fuck did Gru summon....THAT of all things?
Also, what the FUCK? Dru and Gru fought Bill Cipher? The corn chip mothafucka' from Gravity Mo-Fuckin' M'Falls?
"Brother, this is too much power!" Dru said. "You can do magic, AND you have the Infinity Gauntlet! With great power MUST come great responsibility!"
Gru shook his head. "No, Dru. With Great Power.....MUST come Great CRÜST!"
Gru snapped his fingers and suddenly a fucking ONSLAUGHT of pizza crust came bursting out of the Earth's core to a hip-hop remix of Frank Sinatra singing "Jingle Bells" as entire fucking towns were consumed by soggy wet crust.
"WHAT THE FUCK, BROTHER?" Dru SHRIEKED in horror, but Gru just laughed like a FUCKING psychopath.
"DO YOU SEE, DRU? WE CAN DO WHATEVER THE FUCK WE WANT!"
At this point I was convinced this film had to be a parody made by an unspecified group of Asians.
Gru's wife Lucy BURST into the room and yelled "HONEY, I'M HOME!"
followed quickly by
"WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?"
Gru pointed outside and said
"crüst".
Lucy immediately whipped out a MacBook covered in soy sauce stains and started trying to get Gru cancelled on Twitter.com for wiping out the local orphanage with his crust tsunami.
Gru IMMEDIATELY started getting death threats from blue-haired fat women and yelled "WHY THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT, LUCY?"
Lucy's fuckin' arms and legs fell off as her head began to hover in the air before morphing into Bill Cipher.
"WHAT THE FUCK? BILL?" Dru screamed.
"Stay calm, Dru. WE WILL DEFEAT HIM!" said Gru.
"Do you like my tits?" Bill said as he jiggled the fake tits from his Lucy disguise everywhere.
Gru tried to use the Infinity Gauntlet, but Bill threw a fucking monkey wrench at him.
"DID YOU REALLY THINK I WOULDN'T COME BACK!" Bill SHRIEKED. "I TOLD YOU I WOULD RETURN AND KILL YOU!"
Bill started waving his hands all over the place and opened a portal that engulfed the entire house, teleporting everyone to some disgusting demon world that looked like literal Hell.
Dru suddenly pulled a fuckin' Uzi out of his left nostril and started firing at Bill as Gru once again attempted to use the Infinity Gauntlet.
Bill tried to stop Gru, but Dru leapt on top of him and yelled "TEAMWORK, MOTHER FUCKER!" as Gru snapped his fingers and erased Bill from existence.
"Finally, brother. BILL IS GONE!" screamed Dru.
"Yes, but now we are stuck in Hell." said Gru as some shitty song about being stuck in Hell began to play.
Gru tried to summon a portal out of Hell, but it didn't work.
"Use the Infinity Gauntlet, brother." said Dru.
"I'm TRYING TO!" said Gru.
"What's the matter?" Said a gruff, mysterious voice. "Is your piece of shit power glove not working?"
Gru and Dru whirled around only to come face to face with.......Mysterio from Spider-Man, because y'know what, why the fuck not.
"Who the fuck are you?" asked Dru.
"I am MYSTERIO!!" said Mysterio, who was indeed Mysterio. "You two destroyed my masterpiece, and now YOU will pay!"
"What are you talking about?" asked Gru. "What masterpiece?"
"THE MOLTEN MAN!" Mysterio screamed. "I CREATED THE MOLTEN MAN, AND THEN YOU DESTROYED HIM! DO YOU KNOW HOW FUCKING LONG THAT SHIT TOOK? THINK OF THE TIME IT TAKES TO MAKE SOME SHITTY MINECRAFT MOD, THEN MULTIPLY THAT BY LIKE, A FUCKIN' BILLION BILLIONS! THAT'S HOW FUCKIN' LONG IT TOOK!"
Mysterio started shooting magic blasts and shit, but since his whole gimmick is illusion, none of it actually fucking did anything, and Gru through a fucking hook straight into Mysterio's chest.
Except that was also an illusion and Mysterio was actually standing behind Gru with a fuckin' glock.
Mysterio then did the unthinkable.
He shot Gru point-blank in the fucking head.
"GRUUUUUUU!" Dru HOLLERED as he tried to attack Mysterio, but Dru was also shot in the fuckin' head.
Except THAT was ALSO an illusion and Gru and Dru were actually hacking Mysterio's drones to trick him.
"Hey, what the fuck?" Mysterio said. "Those are MY drones, assholes! Stop fuckin' with my shit!"
Gru then smacked Mysterio in his fuckin' fishbowl face with the Infinity Gauntlet, and he vanished in a puff of smoke.
Now that the illusions were gone, Gru realized the Infinity Gauntlet was actually on his OTHER hand, and he opened a portal out of Hell.
"Thanks for the free ride out of Hell, assholes!" Mysterio said as he suddenly came out of nowhere riding a fuckin' Harley Davidson straight into the portal and vanishing.
"Damn it! He escaped Hell!" Gru yelled. "But NO MATTER. WE CAN ALSO ESCAPE HELL!"
Gru and Dru jumped through the portal and got out of Hell, but as they were falling, Dru said
"Brother, did you remember to close the portal?"
Oh, shit.
Gru, unfortunately, did not remember to close the fucking portal.
Now, you see, Gru and Dru had many enemies in Hell, because Gru and Dru have killed a lot of people.
Suddenly, Clifford the Big Red Fuckin'-Ass Dog came TUMBLING through the portal.
"I'M GONNA GET YOU, MOTHERFUCKERS!" Clifford SCREAMED so loud that I heard something fuckin' break inside my speakers. The audio sounded like someone SHRIEKING into a peaking microphone.
Also, why was Clifford the Big Red Dog in Hell?
"OH SHIT!" Gru screamed as Clifford SMASHED through the side of a fuckin' building, causing a massive avalanche.
"LISTEN UP, BIATCH! IT'S TIME TO DIE!" yelled Clifford before Gru used the Infinity Gauntlet to destroy his fat dog ass.
"Did you practice the cello today?" Dru SHRIEKED as he shot a fucking cello out of his......cello gun, killing 11 demons in one shot.
"Hahahaha! With this Infinity Gauntlet, they will never defeat us, Dru!" Gru yelled, but suddenly a fucking massive tank came crashing out of the air and the door opened, revealing none other than......
The Mike Myers Live-Action version of The Cat in the Hat?
Before we go any further, I mean Mike Myers as in the actor that played the Cat in the Hat in that one live-action film, not the mute fuckin' serial killer from that stupid fuckin' horror movie.
Upon seeing the Cat in the Hat, Gru immediately became fuckin' furious.
"Thanks for opening that portal out of Hell, jackass!" said The Cat in the Hat. "You may have killed me once, but this time, I shall HAVE MY REVENGE!"
Gru tried to use the Infinity Gauntlet on the Cat in the Hat, but suddenly, a loud fat 700 lb. single mother came BURSTING past Gru screaming "TIMMY, I'M NOT BUYING YOU THAT FUCKING BIONICLE! COME BACK HERE!"
".....the fuck?" said Gru, but before he could really react, the Cat in the Hat took advantage of the distraction and ripped the Infinity Stones out of Gru's gauntlet.
"CAT! GIVE ME BACK THE INFINITY STONES!" Gru SHRIEKED, but the Cat in the Hat simply started lining his fuckin' hat with the stones and attempted to snap Gru and Dru out of existence.
Suddenly, Mysterio reappeared and started trying to take the stones from the Cat in the Hat, giving Gru and Dru time to escape.
"Brother! What are we going to do? He has the stones now!" yelled Dru.
"It's alright, Dru! I have a plan!" Said Gru.
Gru then explained that he couldn't use his summoning spell to just make another set of stones appear, since there was only one set in the known universe.
However, if Gru and Dru were to open a portal to the multiverse, they might be able to find a new set of stones somewhere else.
So, Gru opened a massive portal to another universe, and he and Dru jumped through it.
"Woah, brother! Where are we?" said Dru, as Gru and Dru suddenly ended up in a peaceful looking neighborhood. The animation style looked different, like I was watching a Pixar movie instead of an Illumination one.
"We are in an alternate universe now, Dru. We must find a new set of Infinity Stones!"
Now, I noticed something else that was weird. This neighborhood looked exactly like the one from Pixar's Toy Story movies.
Gru started trying to use his summoning spell, but suddenly, a mysterious voice behind him said
"The fuck are Ü doing, partner?"
Gru turned around to come face-to-face with none other than Woody from Toy Story himself, although, something was wrong with this version of Woody. He didn't seem quite like the regular one, instead, he kept talking about something called "the Ü" over and over again.
"Howdy. The name's Sheriff Woody. I gotta say, it looks like you're the Ü today, partner.
And I'm afraid it's time to shoot for the fuckin' Ü."
Woody pulled out a fucking Panzerfaust 3 rocket launcher and attempted to shoot Gru with it, but Dru pulled a massive shield out of nowhere and deflected the missle straight into a nearby house.
"That was a big fuckin' mistake, partner" Woody said as the other Toy Story characters started coming out of the house.
"Hey man, what the FUCK?" said Mr. Potato Head. Yeah, something was definitely up with these versions of the Toy Story characters. It was like they'd come from some equally disturbed movie series of their own, perhaps even the kind of parody you'd find on a shitty streaming site somewhere.
Gru once again tried to summon a new set of Infinity Stones, but he only managed to make one, the power stone, appear.
"DRU! I HAVE A NEW POWER STONE! CATCH!" Gru screamed as he threw the stone over to Dru, who caught it and used it to fight off the other toys.
"OH, SHIT! OH YEAH!" Mr. Potato Head SHRIEKED as he pulled out a massive machine gun and attempted to kill Dru, but Dru SMACKED him with the power stone so fuckin' hard that he turned a bowl of mashed potatoes covered in beefaroni.
Woody then stuck a fucking spoon in what was once Mr. Potato Head and said "Damn, that's some good fuckin' mashed Ü" before Dru sent Woody flying into the fucking stratosphere.
Suddenly, Buzz Lightyear appeared and began firing missles out of a secret slot in his ass before Gru screamed "LET'S GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!" and opened another portal.
Slinky Dog started fucking extending his spring-dildo body through the portal as he yelled "STRETCH THAT ASS, MOTHA FUCKA!" like some kind of fuckin' freak from a prison shower before Gru threw a grenade at him and he burst into a mess of springs and burnt brown-and-yellow plastic.
Gru and Dru then dropped into another universe in the middle of some disgusting fucking dark city. It looked EXTREMELY overrun with crime and shit. The fuck WAS this place, Gotham City?
"Wow, this city looks like fuckin' trash." Gru remarked as he attempted to summon some more Infinity Stones.
Suddenly, a shitty beamer pulled up in front of Gru as the driver rolled down the window.
The driver was the fucking Joker.
Yes, the live-action Joker from the 2019 film.
"Infinity Stones? Really? This is the DC universe, dumbass!" Joker said as he began to approach Gru.
Dru started trying to ask Joker for directions to the Marvel universe, but Joker said
"You think I'm gonna help you get to that fuckin' roided-out SJW-fest of a universe? Fuck you, man!"
Once again, this Joker wasn't acting like the normal one. He just...stood there as he started honking his fucking nose. It started randomly getting darker outside as he did this- almost like a.....Dark Honk, if you will. A very dark honk indeed.
That's right.
Joker was using his nose to turn the fucking sun off.
"How the fuck are you doing that?" Gru SCREAMED.
Dru wasn't in the mood to ask questions, so he pulled a fucking knife on Joker and told him to quote "cut that shit off or I'll cut it off for you" in an unusual tone of voice.
Suddenly, Ernie and Bert- yes, that's right, Ernie and fucking Bert from Sesame Street started getting out of the car and yelling "Woah woah WOAH WOAH!"
Ernie and Bert were apparently friends with the Joker in this universe, and so they negotiated a with Gru and Dru. If Dru didn't kill the Joker, Ernie and Bert would give Dru and Gru the directions to the Marvel Universe.
Dru agreed, and so he and Gru opened another portal and went to find the Marvel Universe, making sure to follow Ernie and Bert's directions.
However, Ernie and Bert are notorious fuckin' liars, and the actually gave Gru and Dru directions to the Sesame Street Universe instead.
I'd just like to say that there was no point going to the Marvel Universe anyway, because that's where the original stones are from. You know, the ones the Cat in the Hat already fuckin' HAD. Then again, it was probably an equally good question as to how OTHER universes even had their own infinity stones, but you know what, whatever.
"What the fuck?" said Gru and Dru at the same time as they realized they were on Sesame Street.
Suddenly, a weird fuckin' television set appeared behind Gru and Dru and started playing some kind of video.
Gru showed up on the TV set, but there were little miniature fuckin' explosions in his eyes and he was hopping on one foot playing a fuckin' rock guitar before he stepped on a land mine, and I shit you not, fuckin' exploded. His fuckin' face erupted like a fuckin' wet burrito and his legs and shit just went fuckin' sailing off the screen in an explosion of shitty animated blood.
That was weird, but then he just fuckin' reappeared again and started doing some weird fuckin' voodoo hand motions at the screen as everything started going dark and those little stupid fuckin' Minions showed up and started screaming "BEE-DO, BEE-DO" in probably the creepiest fuckin' death metal voices I had ever heard in my entire life.
Yo, what the fuck WAS this? Who the FUCK at DreamWorks or Disney or whoever the fuck made this stupid fuckin' movie authorized this shit? Was this even made by fuckin' human beings? I mean, what the FUCK?
Then a fuckin' 90 foot alligator showed up with stupid fuckin' makeup on (which was really FUCKIN' unnecessary), and Gru started fuckin' rapping in an extremely deep voice as the title card showed up before the alligator fuckin' burst into fuckin' smithereens.
Why didn't they just name this shit "Despicable Me: Fuck You"? Because that's what it felt like. It felt like a big "fuck you" directed personally at me from the stupid fuck that threw the fuckin' package through my window.
Gru then appeared again on the screen throwing a fuckin' flamingo into a Target and bowling over the cash register.
This was all happening way too fuckin' fast. I don't know if this was some fuckin' FBI torture device designed to induce a fucking heart attack, but there was some SERIOUS sensory overload going on here.
"What IS this SHIT?" shrieked Gru. "I never did any of this stuff!"
I assumed the video was some weird psychological trick designed to fuck with Gru, and apparently Dru too, because then Dru showed up on the TV set too and exploded into fuckin' french fries.
Dru cupped his hands to his mouth and screamed like a fucking Picasso painting.
Suddenly, The Count appeared on the TV set.
"Ah! Ah! Ah!" said The Count. "I'm so glad you're here! Come join us in our game of mathematics!"
The Count appeared to be talking both to Gru and Dru, and to a group of kids that were on the TV set.
The Count began to ask the kids simple math questions, but when he got to Gru and Dru, he said "For your question....." and then promptly began to write the most INSANE fuckin' Differential Equations and shit I had EVER seen on the board.
"Solve THIS!" The Count SCREAMED.
Gru immediately began using his immense intellect to solve the problem, but The Count suddenly picked up a fucking clock that appeared to be counting down and said
"SOLVE MY SHIT OR DIE!"
Woah, what the fuck? What kinda fucked-up version of Sesame Street was this? The Count made fuckin' death threats now?
Gru managed to solve the problem right as The Count began to rev up a fucking chainsaw, and The Count FURIOUSLY smashed the clock he had been holding all over the fuckin' floor and told the kids to quote "GET OUT! GET THE FUCK OUT!"
Gru then tried his Infinity Stone summoning spell and finally managed to get 3 brand new stones.
"Fuck this, Dru, let's get out of here!" Gru said as he opened a portal once again and left.
We see the Count staring at the portal as it closed and Gru and Dru left the Sesame Street Universe.
"Ah ah ah....." he said... menacingly.
The next universe Gru and Dru ended up in was some weird-ass variant of the Muppet Show universe where Kermit the Frog had become the Taxi Driver from the movie...well..."Taxi Driver". THIS was just fucking bizzare, and upon seeing "Taxi Kermit", if you will, Gru decided to just fucking leave immediately.
Suddenly, Big Bird's fuckin' horrifying blue cousin Geribaldo burst out of a nearby bar and started trying to fuckin' attack Gru and Dru, so Kermit got out of his Taxi, shot Geribaldo dead, and then got the fuck back in his Taxi.
"Have a nice day" said Taxi Kermit as Gru and Dru teleported away.
"Man, that was a weird fuckin' universe." said Dru as he began to eat a bag of cosmic Cheetos.
"We just need two more stones, Dru. Then we will crush the Cat in the Hat once and for all!" said Gru.
Gru and Dru then ended up in the fuckin' Star Wars universe aboard a massive imperial Star Destroyer. Immediately, fuckin' stormtroopers and shit started CHARGING towards Gru and Dru and screaming "FREEZE!".
"Did somebody say FREEZE?" said a voice behind them as Mr. Fuckin' Freeze from Batman appeared to some loud opera music that sounded like a fuckin' crunk remix of Mozart's Requiem, before Darth Vader showed up and impaled Mr. Freeze through the chest, killing him instantly.
"The fuck is this SHIT?" said Vader LOUDLY. "Get this fuckin' Bat-shit off my fuckin' Star Destroyer!" he said, and so the Stormtroopers threw Mr. Freeze's limp fuckin' corpse out the window, just like JFK.
What was with all the cursing in this movie? And why Darth Vader of all characters?
"As you can see", Vader began, "these are my loyal minions. Where the FUCK are YOUR Minions, mother FUCKERS?" he SCREAMED at Gru and Dru.
So Gru then performed another summoning spell and summoned all of his weird-ass yellow Minions.
"Aw, man, what the FUCK?" yelled Vader. "You actually HAVE Minions and SHIT?"
Gru then managed to summon another Infinity Stone, which meant he only needed one more to re-complete his Gauntlet.
"Minions! ATTACK!" yelled Gru, and the Minions began killing Stormtroopers and shit.
"WHERE CAN I FIND MORE INFINITY STONES?" screamed Dru, to which Vader replied
"Infinity Stones? What the fuck? That's the Marvel universe, dumbass."
Suddenly.....
Are you fucking kidding me?
Suddenly a massive version of Mickey fuckin' Mouse ripped the roof off of the Star Destroyer and said "technically, it's the Disney Universe. Disney owns everything, BITCH!" Mickey SCREAMED as he began to wipe his ass with the fucking Bill of Rights. Then, Emperor fucking Palpatine launched out of fucking NOWHERE and screamed "THE SITH STILL BREATHE!" as he proceeded to try to attack Mickey.
Gru and Dru immediately got the FUCK out of there and jumped through a portal that went straight to the Mario Brothers universe.
"Oh, great. Where the FUCK are we now?" yelled Dru, because there were Goombas and Koopas and SHIT everywhere.
Suddenly, Mario appeared, but he looked drunk as FUCK.
"Every copy of Mario 3D All-Stars is personalized." he said.
What?
"What are you talking about?" said Dru, but Gru grabbed Mario and smacked his fuckin' head into the nearest block, which caused an infinity stone to come flying out.
"YES! FINALLY! THE SIX INFINITY STONES!" Gru SCREAMED as he placed the last stone into his Gauntlet. "NOW WE WILL KILL THE CAT IN THE HAT!"
"YES, BROTHER!" SHRIEKED Dru. "LET US DESTROY THAT CAT ASSHOLE ONCE AND FOR ALL!"
"What the fuck, brother?" asked Gru, and Dru had to explain that "destroy that cat asshole" meant killing the Cat in the Hat, not.....yknow....the other form of destroying his asshole.
So Gru and Dru went through their fuckin' portal again (seriously, at least a solid eighth of this movie was just watching Gru and Dru jump through fucking portals) and went to go find the Cat in the Hat.
Finding the Cat in the Hat turned out to be pretty damn easy, considering he was literally using the Infinity Gauntlet to turn the entire planet into a fucking shrine to the Lorax.
"CAT!" Gru SCREAMED. "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?"
The Cat in the Hat stared at Gru with a cold, icy stare.
"I am resurrecting.....the MASTER." said the Cat in the Hat, as the fucking Lorax appeared, standing 900 feet tall.
"Not this SHIT again!" yelled Gru as he used his Infinity Gauntlet to destroy the Lorax.
"Wait, what the FUCK?" said the Cat in the Hat. "How did you get the Infinity Stones? I HAVE THE INFINITY STONES?"
So Gru destroyed the Cat in the Hat's gauntlet, finally closed the portal to Hell, and killed the Cat in the Hat once and for all, using the Infinity Gauntlet to make everything go back to normal again.
Then he died.
I shit you not, Gru fuckin' died.
Well damn, I wasn't expecting that. I guess THAT was why they called the movie "The Shocking Fate of Gru".
Basically, the fuckin' stones were too powerful for Gru to keep using without damaging his body, and killing the Cat in the Hat and the Lorax drained the last of Gru's fuckin' power and caused him to fuckin' croak.
"GRU!!!!!!!" Dru screamed.
Dru then grabbed the Gauntlet himself, re-opened the portal to Hell, and pulled Gru's fuckin' ghost back into his body.
"What the fuck, Dru?" yelled Gru. "I just closed that portal!"
"But brother!" yelled Dru. "YOU WERE DEAD!"
"I HAD IT UNDER CONTROL!" yelled Gru.
How the fuck did Gru "have it under control?" He literally fuckin' killed himself by accident.
Honestly, having Dru bring Gru back to life was kind of cheesy storytelling. Gru's death scene was just a cheap fuckin' gag now. It would've been more interesting if he just fuckin' stayed dead, but I guess this was still a kids movie after all.
A kids' movie with about 400 uses of the f word, but y'know, the times are changing.
Seriously though, what the fuck WAS this movie?
Suddenly, Mysterio appeared behind Gru.
"Had your fun, jackass?" Mysterio said as he pulled out a gun and pressed it to the back of Gru's head.
Gru suddenly waved his hands and two more portals appeared. Out of the portals came.....
Ok, seriously, what the fuck?
Out of the portals came LEGO Batman and Shrek. Yes, that's right, the fucking LEGO version of Batman, and none other than fucking Shrek himself. They started beating the shit out of Mysterio and then vanished.
The police then arrived and arrested Mysterio, who started playing "Fuck the Police" by N.W.A over the fucking police department radio, which really pissed off the fuckin' cops.
Gru and Dru then went home, followed by all the fuckin' Minions.
Dramatic-ass credits began to roll as what sounded like a 12-year old kid SCREAMING a terrible cover of Elton John's "Rocket Man" began to play.
The movie then just shut off. The disc literally fucking fried itself. Smoke and shit started coming out of my Blu-Ray player as I pulled the fucking burnt disc out.
I never was able to repair that disc, or extract the contents in any way. The Shocking Fate of Gru now exists only in my memories, and maybe in yours, too.
After all, maybe YOU created this movie. Who really knows?
Credited to Chimichangar
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