Devil SATAN666@lucifer.exe
I used to love to email people. In fact, I'd say I was a professional at emailing. I was so good at it. But not any more. Now, I fear email unlike anything else.
It was a normal Monday (ugh), and I was on my Yahoo account, xXemailfan999Xx@yahoo.com. I was emailing everyone I could, my mom, my dad, my brother who was in Iraq, my sister who was probably getting wasted right now, my boss, my ex-girlfriend, and a few others. It was great. I always had fun finding the most unique ways to send emails to people, and I was constantly messaging my family. They had told me to stop, but I didn't care. Their wishes were menial compared to my hobby. Email was my life. I would never stop.
But today, something was different.
I was going through my inbox, which I cleared every 30 minutes, sifting through all sorts of emails. I had emails from news websites, from webstores and WalMart.com advertising some shitty deals, several porn messages which I didn't really care for, and a few emails from a politician who had a nack for deleting them, when I saw a rather weird email from this one user. My interest peaked as I looked at his email name. It read Devil_SATAN666@lucifer.exe, which was weird, because I had never seen an email like that. Interested, I went and moved my mouse cursor over the email, and I clicked it.
It opened up a new page, but this was different than the normal Yahoo webpage. Instead of the white and purple of the website, everything was red and black, with blood dripping from the Yahoo logo. I was mildly perturbed, and slightly aroused at this. I then saw the message that was sent to me. It was on a rather clean white background, with blood coming off of the top of the email under the user's name. I then thought that there might be something wrong with the email. It was just a thought, but I figured this was Yahoo's Halloween theme, even though it was May, and thought nothing else of it. I then scrolled a little bit and began to read the email. This is what it read...
Dear Jesús,
I want you to know that I have been watching you for a long time. Quite a long time. I've seen everything you do, all day, everyday. Your work pleases me, and I was wondering if you would like to help me with something. If you are, click this link...
He had a link below.
http://yoursoulismine.RIH. If you want to try something else, download these files.
Below that were two files.
TheBeast666.exe
LuciferIsKing.txt
I hope that you consider these options. I'll be waiting, Jesús.- The Devil
I was slightly confused. Who could have sent these weird emails? What was with all the satanic names and stuff? Why was there blood on the webpage? There were so many questions left unanswered. However, I figured, since I'm such a email enthusiast, I would download this stuff, and visit the link later, when I was done messaging this one hooker from when I was in high school. So I quickly downloaded TheBeast666.exe, LuciferIsKing.txt, and saved the webpage link, and went about with my business.
I continued to email shit for 5 hours and finally decided I should give those things from the email a try. Well, I didn't think I should do that out of personal interest, but rather because I continued to get emails every time I cleared my inbox. It was all from the same guy, and he just asked if I had checked out the link and files yet. I had finally had enough and decided I would try them.
I first opened up Internet Explorer and went to Yahoo, my favorite search engine. I then pasted the link I had saved from the email earlier into the url bar and hit enter. After 5 minutes of waiting because Internet Explorer is a piece of shit, it finally opened the webpage. It was certainly shocking.
The webpage was a dark black, with the words "YOUR SOUL IS MINE" written in very cheesy 1990's blood effects. In fact, most of the website looked like it was from 96', and was rather shitty. I looked around on the website for a bit, seeing very little options. There were two icons on the webpage, one with a flame over the words "SELL YOUR SOUL HERE" and another one with a really bad clipart of a guy wearing a suit with the words "FOR BUSINESS INFORMATION" written underneath. "Wow," I said to myself, "What a sellout." Beginning to think this was a pitiful attempt to try to convert me to Catholicism (Because I was Jewish), I decided I would click SELL YOUR SOUL HERE. The fire icon began to flame up, in a weird hyper realistic way that most 90's clipart pieces couldn't have achieved. Slightly spooked, I saw that the next page it opened up looked like some crappy flash game I could play on Addicting Games. It said "IS YOUR SOUL GOOD FOR THE DEVIL?" In big bloody letters. Underneath it said YES or NO. I clicked NO, simply because I'm a rebellious douche, and I was greeted to bloody text saying "FUCK YOU, LET'S DO THIS ANYWAY". I was brought a screen which showed a young woman, probably in her late twenties, tied up and gagged. She was sitting in a chair, and the bloody text appeared over her and said, "SHE'S REALLY PRETTY, ISN'T SHE? WHAT SHOULD WE DO WITH HER?" Three options sprang up, one that said, UNDRESS HER, one that said HIT HER, and the third that said LET HER GO.
I looked at these options for a while, contemplating what to do. All the options had their bad sides. I decided to pick hit her, because she was blonde, she would think she hurt herself anyway. Suddenly, the bloody text said "LET'S UNDRESS HER". I sat there still because that made no sense, I had clearly picked hit her, I didn't really want to see a naked lady. But, I put my anger beside me because it showed her, still gagged and tied up, sitting in her underwear. The bloody text reappeared and said "MMM SHE LOOKS GOOD. WHAT SHOULD WE DO NEXT?" Two options appeared, one telling me to stroke her, and the other telling me to further undress her. I sat and pondered what to do. I had seen some pretty depraved stuff, after all, I do get a lot of email, but I wasn't sure what I should actually do.
I picked stroke her, and luckily the bloody text said "I SEE YOU AREN'T GETTING ANYTHING FROM THIS. HOW ABOUT I SWITCH THINGS UP?" It brought up another screen, and this time, tied to a chair was computer. NO! NOT A COMPUTER! Two options appeared on screen. One said to download 3 terabytes of porn, and the other said smash the computer. Not wanting to see the destruction of such a pretty machine, I chose to download the porn.
WISE CHOICE said the bloody text. This game continued like this for around 9 minutes and 54 seconds, when I was finally greeted to a screen which read in hyper realistic bloody letters, "CONGRATULATIONS! EVEN THOUGH YOU ARE A REBELLIOUS DOUCHE, YOU STILL CAN SELL YOUR SOUL TO THE DEVIL! CLICK ON THE ICON FOR BUSINESS DEALINGS WITH SATAN AND HOW TO SAVE $25 WITH YOUR INITIAL SIGN UP."
What the hell? Who's funny idea was it to make a game, which wasted nearly 10 whole minutes of my useless day, questioning me with some depraved shit, and then try to sell me a business deal? I mean, what a lowlife scum! I gave the game a 2 star rating and closed Internet Explorer. Things were getting really freaky, and I thought about reading through LuciferIsKing.txt. I figured why not, since it was 6:49, and I had nowhere to go for the next three days, so I quickly went and fired up the text file. The file was like any ordinary text file, only the letters were blood red, and read somewhat like this...
He lives in me, he lives in you
You cannot fight, whatever you do,
Bow down to me, you must defer
Bow to me, for I am LUCIFER!
I stared at this small file for a little bit. It seemed like a whack prayer. Damn Catholics! Those stupid chants of theirs are so catchy. I closed the text file and realized it had been thirty minutes since I had checked my email, so I quickly shot back to Yahoo, which still looked bloody and dark. I quickly shot to my inbox and saw only one email. It was from that same user from earlier, the one who sent me the depraved shit. His email said this...
Hey Jesús, how's it going?
I see you didn't like my website. That's too bad. I thought someone like you would be more accepting. Oh well. You still have one more thing to look at. Open the exe file. Do it! Believe me, it's rather radical dude.
- The Devil, but you can call me Satan
It was beginning to come clear to me. The 90's website, the way the emails were written, everything made sense! I was being contacted by a surfer dude who died in the nineties and was wanting to reach out to people who could be him reincarnated!
"WOW!" I shouted to myself, unable to contain my excitement for figuring out the situation, "I'm a genius!" I backed out of the email, and my excitement was quickly killed when I noticed that the same guy sent me another email, which went like this...
Wrong guess, moron. - Lucifer, A.K.A. the fucking DEVIL
I was completely lost at this point. I figured that maybe I'd find out eventually just who was behind these emails, because I was seriously getting triggered and needed my safe space. Figuring that I needed to end this mystery, I opened the last file, TheBeast666.exe.
"Okay," I said, "This is it." I clicked on the file and waited for it to open up. After about 3 minutes, it finally came to life. The file brought me to a title screen of what seemed to be a game made in the FPS Creator Engine. "What shit," I thought to myself, getting more triggered as each second passed. There were only two options: SEE THE BEAST and Exit. "What, no settings? How else can I adjust the settings for this shitty computer?" I said to myself, because I knew how crappy most FPS Creator games were. I figured it would be okay just this once and clicked the start. The game froze, and after a few minutes, I was brought to a little hallway. There were no lights and I had no weapons, no flashlight, nothing. "What horseshit," I said, feeling anger rise through my veins.
I began to walk down the hall, a feeling of dread washing over me. What was down this hall? Afterall, I was in a long and dark hallway. What if it meant to hurt me? Would I be safe? I asked myself this for a while until I remembered I wasn't a pussy, so I continued to march down the hall. As I neared the end, I heard the faint sound of music. Slightly perturbed, I slowly made my way to an opening at the end of the hall.
As I stepped out, I was shocked at what I saw.
I saw a large courtroom of Demons, Nazis, and Communists, all standing on the ground, looking up. On a high pedestal was Adolf Hitler, Josef Stalin, and a strange red figure who I couldn't make out too well. However, something else seemed weird. The walls looked hyper realistic, and my rather cold room suddenly felt as if someone set it on fire. I quickly looked around and realized that I was in the game. "Man," I thought to myself, "I picked a bad day to stop shooting heroin." Suddenly, I heard a booming voice, which said, "WELCOME TO HELL, JESÚS! I HOPE YOU WILL LIKE IT HERE, BECAUSE THIS IS YOUR HOME NOW!! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!"
"What the heck man!?" I shouted back, "Why am I in hell? Who are you?"
"I'M THE DEVIL, YA FUCK!" He roared at me, "AND YOU'RE IN HELL BECAUSE OF YOUR LIFESTYLE!"
"Lifestyle?" I asked.
"YES, YOU DENSE SHIT! YOU DO DRUGS-"
"C'mon, everyone in Colorado does drugs."
"YOU LUST AND HAVE SEX WITH MULTIPLE HOOKERS-"
"What can I say? Pussy is my life."
"YOU'VE ABANDONED MOST OF YOUR FAMILY FOR YOUR DUMB EMAIL FETISH, AND YOU DON'T EVEN CARE ENOUGH TO KNOW THAT DURING THIS WHOLE STORY YOUR BROTHER DIED!"
"Really? When?"
"WHEN YOU WERE ON THAT WEBSITE."
"Oh," I said. That made me kinda sad, so I sat for about 20 seconds to cry before realizing my brother would have slapped me for crying like a pussy.
"RIGHT..." Said the red Batman, "BUT EVEN YOUR BROTHER'S DEATH CAN'T SAVE YOU! YOU WILL BURN FOR ETERNITY HERE IN HELL, YOU SWINE!!"
At that point, I realized something. It had clicked inside my head. I knew who this individual was. I stood tall, mustering all the strength I had in me, and I said, "FUCK YOU GRANDMA!"
...
Silence.
"UM..." Grandma said, "OKAY..." Suddenly, before Grandmama had a chance to do anything, I jumped up and stabbed her in the face. After I was done mutilating her body like the savage I am, I stabbed Hitler and Stalin, who were making out like a high school gay couple.
"That's what I call, a bloody romance," I said, as I felt the air around me become cold and the walls of my room were surrounding me once again. I took off my sunshades. I had done it. I had figured out who was haunting me. My grandmother was coming from beyond the grave to attack me, to make sure she repressed my spirit like she had done to my mental state when I was little. I breathed a sigh of relief. It was over. I had won.
I still haven't gotten to why I don't use email, haven't I? Well, when I got back onto Yahoo, I noticed the Halloween theme was gone, but what scared me, what had me trembling, was when I tried to login, I was told that my account had been deleted. I sat, unable to move a muscle in my body. I was paralyzed. I shut off my computer and went to my bed, where I began to cry for the rest of the night.
And that, is why I never use email again.
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