Disrespecting Nintendo

Just three months ago I got a job at a Subway in a shopping mall food court. It didn't pay much of course, but it was enough for me to pay for the shitty one-star hotel I'm living in. A few hours into my very first shift, a tall man approached the counter, carrying a giant box. He asked me, "Is this GameStop?" in a harsh sounding voice. I figured he had special needs, so I kindly replied "No, GameStop is at the far lefthand side of the mall". His somewhat familiar-looking face became filled with rage.

"Ｉ　ＤＯＮ＇Ｔ　ＣＡＲＥ．　ＴＡＫＥ　ＴＨＩＳ　ＢＯＸ　ＯＦ　ＧＡＭＥＳ　ＦＯＲ　ＹＯＵＲＳＥＬＦ．　ＭＹ　ＳＯＮ　ＨＡＳ　ＢＥＥＮ　Ａ　ＮＡＵＧＨＴＹ，　ＮＡＵＧＨＴＹ　ＢＯＹ，　ＡＮＤ　ＮＥＥＤＳ　ＴＯ　ＬＥＡＲＮ　ＴＨＥ　ＲＵＬＥＳ　ＡＢＯＵＴ　ＮＩＮＴＥＮＤＯ．　ＨＡＶＥ　Ａ　ＷＯＮＤＥＲＦＵＬ　ＥＶＥＮＩＮＧ，　ＳＩＲ．", he stated.

He threw his giant box of games over the counter, contaminating most of the food. I swerved to avoid the box hitting me and ran to call mall security. No reply. I kept calling and calling but no answer. After a few minutes I walked back out, and the tall guy was gone. In fact, EVERYONE was gone. This gave me a serious chill. I checked GameStop to see if I could sell some of the various condiment-coated games and consoles there; our box-throwing antagonist was there, asking the only remaining cashier for a Dr. Pepper. I decided it was best I get the hell out of there and head to the hotel.

This box wouldn't even fit in my apartment's door. I had to dump all the contents into plastic bags and continue from there. The box itself was quite a sight; while I couldn't be 100% sure, due to all of the marinara sauce it was coated in, it looked like there was blood on the box, in the shape of fingerprints. I tasted it and, to my relief, it was barbecue sauce. Love me some barbecue sauce. Anyways, I began unloading the bags, hand-picking the games out.

[Missing image: Untitled-1499055613.png]

The first thing I pulled out was what looked like a potty-training chart. It said "Respecting NTDO" (NTDO being an abbreviation for Nintendo) taped over whatever the top of the chart said. There were also "strikes" being counted; creepily, today was not marked. The answer for what happened seemed obvious; some weird dad thought his son's Nintendo collection was a "privilege", and if he fucked up, he'd get it taken away...but that wasn't quite the case, as you'll see.

[Missing image: Untitled2-0.png]

The next thing I pulled out was one of those DS travel bags, where you can store the console, cords, cartridges, etc. Some games appeared to be missing, probably buried in the depths of the food court. There was a black 3DS inside, along with Tomodachi Life and some weird games I'd never heard of. All of the games (excluding Tomodachi Life) started up with a screen saying "NINTENDO STAFF REVIEW CARTRIDGE" among other info. On every single one, the game states "Copy For: -_-_-_-_".

I booted up Tomodachi Life first. I was quite shocked to find that one of the Miis used was a recreation of famous musical artist Harold Weinstein! There was also a recreation of his classic song, "Hello" [dead link]. It was so satisfying to watch in three whole dimensions. I was pleased greatly, and moved on to the next title, "Be Careful". After one of those weird intro things, it loaded up the title screen used in the Animal Crossing games, with the wooden-looking logo and the panning camera focusing on an animal. Only this time, the title screen read "Strike One"...what? It took me a minute to make the connection to the chart. Did the marvelous vertically-oriented confused man change the game text to freak the son out? And by this logic, is -_-_-_-_ the same guy, and does he work for Nintendo? He DID look familiar...

Anyways, this was effectively an early copy of Animal Crossing: New Leaf for 3DS. I thought about showing it to the intelligent people at the Apple Store Geek Squad to see if they could point out differences from the original, but then I remembered everyone in the mall disappeared. Oh well.

There were a couple more like this, including Paper Mario: Sticker Star, Ultimate NES Remix, The Legendary Starfy, and A Mario and Sonic Olympics game (slated for the 2018 games, interestingly enough, so presumably it hasn't been released yet).

Finally, there was a game called "Meesky Moosky". The game didn't even work, past that annoying intro screen...until I turned it off, in which a faint picture of a green penis could be seen. This happened every time too, no matter how long I waited, long or short period. Speaking of long and short, the penis was originally erect, but became soft the more I tried to get the piece of shit game to work. It's like it's designed to insult the way you look or something. I kinda like it, in a way (no homo, of course). I might stick it in one of my family member's DSes at some point for fun.

I'll skip some of the other stuff shoved in here since it's all just regular Nintendo games. I should mention it's ALL Nintendo, by the way - Not any games or systems from other companies. I decided to keep some of the good stuff, including an NES, Game Boy Advance, and 30 or so games for them.

THEN it got creepy again. There was a picture of the presumed son playing some weird ass NES game (which you'll see in a bit), with writing in Sharpie saying "Caught you red-handed. Strike 2. Waaaaaaa"; the "Wa" extended to the end of the paper. Digging through, I found a game that matches the one in the picture. It's called "GOODSTUF 8-in-1", which is a bootleg NES multigame, by the looks of it. I guess that gives the connection that -_-_-_-_ IS a Nintendo employee, and presumably a pretty high up one, for getting all these test games and stuff.

Now comes the dreaded game itself. You start off with a title screen I can't even begin to describe (just look at the picture below), which genuinely gave me nightmares. The menu was practically broken, completely off-center with glitchy game titles. The games include:

• Asthma - Just a Dr. Mario graphics hack. The Jigglypuff-looking thing at the top genuinely appears to have asthma, and breaths heavily during gameplay. Pretty tame compared to everything else though.
• Teur - Some billiards game. There's ear-piercing screams in the background - so bad I had to unplug the NES audio jack. There's probably more horrific sound, but I couldn't deal with any more.
• Beeypolacheof - This is level 2 of the somewhat obscure arcade game Circus Charlie. Normally you jump over monkeys on a tightrope, but here there's just...nothing. Just crossing a tightrope, above a pit of lava, for all of eternity.
• Sipa - This is where the games go from a tad scary to genuinely fucked up. This is a soccer game, where all of the players are headless, using one of their heads as the ball. Blood spews out of the bottom, leaving a trail as the players kick.
• Ikea Luig - This is the only game in here (not counting the menu) with a title screen; again, explaining it is impossible. You play as Luigi, and fight against a naked, blue-skinned old man. In addition, you'll hear the words "Hi, welcome to Ikea" on loop throughout the entire game as well, getting louder and louder over time.

  By this point I noticed a fat man looking outside my window. I don't know how he got up here (I was on the 14th floor), but he had some resemblance to the individual previously located in the shopping mall (in face, not weight). I threw an empty paper bag on his head, causing him to fall, and continued on with the next (and for me, final) game.

• Bee - This is another NES game, Balloon Fight, except you control a bee fighting that old man from Ikea Luig, who is flying by his penis. If you're familiar with Balloon Fight you know what's gonna happen from here. You pop their "balloons" and knock them into the water. When you pop a penis, it starts showing a pixelated video of some form. I could see it was a penis, and that's all I needed to know. I shut my eyes tightly as the clip played, and heard the familiar screech from Teur. I scrambled around my NES, eyes still shut, screams continuing, until I successfully unplugged the power cord.

[Missing image: Goodstuf.png - Caption: "Various screenshots from the 8-in-1."]

That was enough for me to quit playing. Honestly the kid deserved the strike for this one (whatever relation he had to it). I'm never going to play more of this shit ever again in my life (sorry to those who wanted to see the last two, but its for the best). After a couple hours of laying down, thinking about what I just didn't witness but almost witnessed, I took a look in the bag - empty. All of them were empty. And all the games and consoles are gone, except for the 8-in-1, which is floating in mid-air as if it was still in the NES.

Okay, WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS HAPPENING!?

I decide it's time to call the cops. I was sure they wouldn't believe my story and would think I was a crazy drug addict, but I took the chance they would be cool about it. When I told the cop the shortened story, he laughed and said to "Call Nintendo Customer Service" and hung up. I expected police to come and arrest me, but no one showed up. Hopefully THEY didn't disappear too.

Despite their sarcasm, I did exactly what they said. I didn't actually have WiFi (remember, I'm poor as hell), but saw the Customer Service number was on the back of my Game Boy Color...wait, I thought all this shit disappeared! Then I saw my window was open, with a can of invisible paint sitting on the windowsill. Ah, those silly pranksters from my youth! They were causing the invisibility-related spookies all along! I sighed of relief, with a slight but of hope they were doing all this game shit too, and called the number from the Game Boy.

When I called...the police burst through my door. Not to arrest me, not to help me, but to confiscate my games, for some reason. I was desperately asking for answers, but they wouldn't speak until the investigation into Waluigi was over.

[Missing image: Junior.png - Caption: "Waluigi Jr."]

A week later I got a personal e-mail from the FBI, who told me everything they could. Waluigi attempted to murder his son, Waluigi Jr., after the third strike. The circumstances of what the son even disrespected about Nintendo in any strike is unknown. When Waluigi was interviewed, he stated that there was no intended attack on me. Wario came to check up on me through the window to make sure I wasn't causing any problems for the dynamic duo of brothers. In the end, Waluigi was arrested and replaced with a lookalike, and his child is now being taken care of by Wario, who pleaded not guilty.

At the end of the day, I learned a very valuable lesson. You should always respect Nintendo, to make sure Nintendo respects you back, just in case they have a problem with you. This phase of my life is over, and I celebrated the end of my cursed month by seeing "Harold Weinstein Live!! - On Tour" and quitting my pathetic job at Subway. I am now working at a place that pays fairly well, and have moved up to living in a cheap rental home (I got kicked out of the hotel for getting sauce everywhere). Oh, and Nintendo sent me a few free copies of Meesky Moosky, due to my heterosexual fascination with the game. What a great company.

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