Don't Download the New Joker Movie
Whatever you do, don't torrent the new Joker Movie.
Alright, here's the deal. I work at WB in the special effects department. They sent us a copy of Joker to touch up before the movie hits in October.
We did our job, and then my buddy decided to upload the fucking movie to PornHub.
"No one's ever gonna find it here, Jon." He said in what sounded like a shitty Garfield voice as he uploaded it. He also put 3 unreleased trailers on fucking BoobTube and closed his computer.
Suddenly my buddy pulled out a Joker mask, started throwing up gang signs and left.
He was, of course, fired, and the movie trailers and film itself were taken down, but not before they hit Pirate Bay.
To be honest, I figured nobody would ever know, so when I went home, I turned on my VPN, got the movie, and invited some friends over to watch.
What I saw will never leave me.
The movie started with INCREDIBLY low quality footage of Ernie and Bert from Sesame Street driving a Beamer like a couple of assholes and throwing coke out the window. At one point, Bert stuck his ass out of the car and blew coke fart at the nearest driver, causing a massive pileup and some woman to scream "OH MY GOD".
At this point Bert and Ernie started driving on the fucking cars and laughing. I noticed they had a human girl with them who didn't seem scared at all. My buddies who I invited over were laughing hysterically at this point. How the fuck did this scene even get in here?
Bert then mysteriously whipped out "Mr. Brown can moo, can you?" and then began to read to the girl. It should be noted that Ernie and Bert sounded like normal men who were slightly drunk.
Bert's rendition was rife with f-bombs and obscenities. When he was done, he balanced it on his ass and coke farted the fucking book out the window.
We finally see Joaquin Phoenix's Joker character, Arthur Fleck, who has not yet become the Joker. He's watching Ernie and Bert's rampage on the news. He sighs and says "Damn. We really do live in a society."
The movie proceeded as normal for a while after that, other than my buddy had edited Joker's "Everything Must Go" sign from his store clown days to read "DILDOS".
Maybe that's why he put it on PornHub.
There were scenes of a full-cgi Azrael, but I'm not sure what those were there for since they had no audio.
The way Joker gets his name is weird. I can confirm the scene that petition asked for is indeed in. Joker, in full costume and makeup at this point, is in a restaurant sees a kid playing Fortnite while his grandpa is reading Dickens and says "Damn. We live in a society." very similarly to the film's opening. Then Joker starts whooping like a mental patient and stealing food off of people's plates. He throws a guy's shrimp on the ground and starts mockingly singing "Lucid Dreams" about it. He then does that fucking L dance and knocks over the table while Mo Bamba plays and he sings along. When he gets to "Sheck Wes, I ain't a muh' fuckin' JOOOOOOOOOKE" he stops and keeps repeating "Joooooke" to himself. He writes the word Joker on a napkin in front of some coke addict playing Persona 5 and screaming and whispers "I'm coming to Smash too." One of my friends had literally pissed his seat at this point.
Joker rips a tablecloth off some woman's table and eats it before running out of restaurant doing that FUCKING L DANCE AGAIN.
As he skips down the street singing "I got jooooookes" he notices a little girl crying. It's the girl from the Ernie and Bert part. He starts L Dancing until she cheers up. He takes her to the authorities and they get her home safely before the cops then arrest Joker. Joker says he was doing a good thing, but the cops don't care. While in the cop car, he starts fucking L dancing again. Suddenly, a massive PENSKE truck hits the cop car and Joker says "thanks Punisher" mocking that MCU fan theory about Punisher secretly being in Captain America 2 in a PENSKE truck. He then sees a billboard playing news from CNN.
Joker starts rapping as a shitty beat plays.
He raps about how 'Clinton News Network' is a fake organization that only exits to spread "Cheeto Man Bad" before dropping his Reddit username and 4chan account details. He mysteriously whips out coke and coke farts a lit weed cig out of his ass, which explodes into a flaming MAGA sign.
The beat suddenly stops as he starts screaming about the Vietnam War in an unintelligible Dick Van Dike accent. He then says "Fuck DC", goes on to say how every DC movie from now on is gonna be shit thanks to "Cheap Ass Warner", and says
"Warn a brother. Don't fuckin' bother."
He then yells "how it feels to chew 5 gum" before shooting himself in the head.
This is not the end.
Joker appears alive and well in the next scene. We see him dribbling a basketball in a rural neighborhood with some kids who are shouting obscenities. He starts shouting them back and throwing up gang signs, which starts a violent brawl to the Super Smash Bros. Brawl song.
We see some crack-ass kid playing the piano and screaming "I LIKE MY CEREAL" to the tune of the middle part of the Brawl theme. The quality of this scene was SHIT. I mean like a 2010 Android Camera level shit video and audio. Joker suddenly appeared in the frame and unleashed a fucking tidal wave of shit into the piano, screaming "HERE COMES THE SCHIESSE CREAM TRUCK!"
The kid runs away screaming.
The next few scenes were just a shitty slideshow of pictures of stuffed dogs.
There was no audio.
Joker then jumped out of my TV, blew up my entertainment center, and disappeared into a puff of fart smoke, just like what Boots used to do in Dora.
Suddenly my buddy's phone lit up with footage of Joker on a water slide at Sahara Sam's before pissing in the hot tub and causing the fucking park to close.
Credited to Chimichangar
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