Donald's Jealousy Legacy
I think we've all had that one holiday experience that we will never forget for the rest of our lives. I personally have loads of these stories like the time I saw Lionel Richie performing at a bar in Queensland, Australia. Well at least I was led to assume it was Lionel Richie, as according to some sources it was a BBC extra who had been the BBC's hitlist for not wanting to eat steak tartar at a company picnic. Another experience came when I was called onto the stage and danced my heart out. However, my wife Joanna groaned and vomited into her handbag in sheer disgust at my apparently terrible dancing. Both those experiences are however nothing compared to the time when I watched a episode of Mickey Mouse which caused the Pyramid to be stolen and to be replaced with an inflatable double.
My name is not important, and I shall not give out for privacy reasons. However, what I can tell you is that I am a big chungus, but I do not give a fuck. My weight though I am very fat has no bearing upon the actual tale at hand. I work at a bar and grill restaurant in the deep South, and I am forced to serve really nasty greasy burgers to people who would happily have me killed if they could. Oh if they could! I don't have any many friends because of my embarrassing job. In fact, my best friend in the whole entire world Gabriel ended up turning his back on me. Gabriel works as a social worker and sometimes a preacher, and he was sent to help me to get over my self confidence issues which came from my lack of dancing ability. Gabriel was very helpful to me and took pity on my plight, however after he learned that I worked in a restaurant which serves greasy brisket; he refused to acknowledge me. Gabriel hated the brisk for it was brisk that once killed his mentor many moons ago. So sa... actually no fuck Gabriel! He disowned me! He doesn't deserve a so sad moment.
Now because of my job, my son whose name is Justin btw is also a big chungus just like his Daddy! He is also proper dumb, and also plays with a toy aeroplane. However, as I write this part down it occurs to me that my boy was just like me. My boy was just like me. Now, Justin in stark contrast to my dear wife, seems to bear no embarrassment of me. Funnily enough, he actually joined in with my awkward dancing routine all those moons ago. Meanwhile, my wife hates my guts as she is getting tips off from Billy Bob Tanley. I once bought 5 kegs of beer from Tanley, and he's getting revenge by convincing Joanna that I'm actually a hardcore criminal who steals and hoards diamonds from the Bikini Bottom Mint. Tanley's persistent rumours do nothing, but apply further pressure to a marriage, which let's face it will never go down in the history books let's be honest here people.
Fearing that I could lose my wife to Tanley, I suggested going on holiday to Egypt as that was actually where I met Joanna when we were both poor and content to be so. Unbeknownst to me and Justin however, Joanna made a phone call to Billy Bob Tanley that very evening, and he booked himself a ticket to be on the same flight. The flight to Egypt by the by wasn't very sweet, and was very smelly. Literally! This was because the plane was carrying about 50 pounds of manure. MANURE! Also during the flight, Billy Bob Tanley and his BFF Otis kept poking me. "Yeah man." Otis muttered as Billy Bob yelled, "get me a fucking beer ya stupid bitch!" He had yelled this to one of the stewardesses who found the performance rather charming though she was tempted to send a formal complaint to HQ.
Arriving in Egypt, we caught a cab to a small town gift shop which Billy Bob Tanley claimed sold unofficial bootleg Disney merchandise. Some of these bootlegs including a Winnie The Pooh flame thrower, Cinderella electrical equipment, King Triden kitchen tongs, and Fflewddur Fflam undergarments etc. They also sold some DVD's and bootleg Disney video games like Lion And The King and so on and so forth. I ended up coming across a DVD which caught my eye. It was a blank DVD case, but had been smeared on with gravy. The manager then appeared from behind me and said, "take a telling and watch it." "Whoa!" I screamed as the manager had caught me completely off guard. I ended up falling top of Justin, and my fat ass nearly killed him. The manager then said, "that DVD you're holding contains a never before seen episode of Mickey Mouse 2013. It's so sweet, so chilly, and so fricking hot that your head will burst just from watching one frame of it. So what will you do now?" "I dunno watch it I guess." I said rather nonchalantly. We then proceeded to make our way out of the bootleg store while the manager forced Billy Bob and Otis to clean up some manure which had gotten on the fancy new throw rug. MANURE!
At our hotel, I flopped down on the couch, and took off my cowboy hat in an starch attempt to cool myself down. After using the bathroom, Joanna appeared in the doorway and asked, "well are you going to watch it or not?" "Hmm I don't know Joanna, I mean you heard what manager guy said right?" I asked before continuing with, "I don't want to lose my heard over a bad bootleg know what I mean?" Joanna then proceeded to grab me by the ear as she yelled, "shut up and put the thing in dear! If this ends up going south, I've got a really good lawyer who can help us sue that damn bootleg store for all it's worth!" "I see." I said like some kind of Super Nintendo Chalmers as I gestured Justin to put the DVD into the player. Each hotel room was given a DVD player in order to keep up with the hills of Monto and stuff.
Oh, the DVD started by showing some commercials one of which had Sydney of the Tetley Tea Folk serenading his cup of hot sweet tea, another featured Disco Stu and Crash Bandicoot dancing to a song by the Bee Gees. After the dance was over, it came to show the main menu. It was a terrifying picture of Donald Duck staring at the screen with a sinister expression. It was so scary that it caused my big fat meaty arms to become red like the forest. Joanna nearly threw up, as I took the remote off the coffee table. There were two options; one read, "play episode," while the other read, "For The Heads Of McDonalds & Burger King."
Curious, I clicked it only to get treated to a video which featured Jack Box addressing the heads of both McDonalds and Burger King. "Guys I don't want to tell you how to run a company, so I'll be counting the days until you change your ways." Jack explained as a timer appeared on screen. In the video, Jack was discussing how both companies use smelly burgers which are so fricking smelly that they make you gag with every bite. Isn't that the dream? I exited out of the video, and then clicked on, "play episode," instead. It began by showing the title card which read, "Donald's Jealousy Legacy." The title card showed Donald Duck dancing while Mickey Mouse is shown hiding in a cardboard box. Also, Mickey looks very dishevelled and he has incredibly long fingernails.
I swiped the sweat from my brow as the episode then began with Donald knocking on Mickey's door. Mickey answered the door, and was wearing a fancy tailored suit. "Can I help you Donald?" Mickey asked in a rather nasty tone. "Hey Mickey I was wondering if you wanted to maybe go fishing with me and Goofy?" Donald asked. "Oh I can't Donald; I just got off the phone with Disney they're thinking up some more live action remake ideas." Mickey said before continuing with, "they want me to offer some suggestions." Mickey then rudely pushed Donald out of the way, and got into his car and began driving towards Disney Studios. Donald meanwhile sat down on Mickey's front porch, and held in his face in despair. "Why does Mickey get to call all the shots?" Donald asked himself as he then continued with, "I should be the one in charge of making decisions at Disney."
Later that day, Donald headed into town towards the local bar where he had arranged a meeting with Mickey's two biggest foes; Big Pete and Mortimer Mouse. At the bar, Pete drank from a mug of icy cold milkshake as he asked, "so what's happening my little son of wood?" Mortimer then said, "This had better be good boyio. I need to go back to work, and give Minnie her annual Christmas bonus." Even though it wasn't a Christmas themed episode, Mortimer gives out Christmas bonuses extra early, and instead of paying his staff with money he instead pays them in fruit cakes. However, Mortimer's employees; Minnie included dislike Mortimer's fruit cake bonus. In fact one year, Minnie was so disappointed by the gift that she threw it in the garbage can on the road. This caused Mortimer who was crying from a nearby window to sob heavily for he had spent a great deal of time getting that fruitcake for her. He had spent long afternoons in his studio apartment thinking about the correct fruit cake size for Minnie. The rude carrot onion!
Ahem! Sorry I didn't realise that pasta wasn't called The Story Of Mortimer Mouse, let's move on and go back to the episode which had Donald explaining to Mortimer and Pete his evil plan. Basically, Donald planned on hiring the pair to mousenap Mickey. Once captured, Donald planned on shipping Mickey off to Timbuktu. He had already sorted out things with a shipmaster down there who could swing Mickey some work down on the docks. He would have to work such long hard hours, but in the end it'll be worth it. Now because he was completely heartless, Donald had also made arrangements for Minnie to join Mickey down there when Donald felt that the time was right, and the sun was setting in Baltimore at just the right angle. "So why are we doing this exactly? Correct me if I'm wrong, but I assumed that Mickey was one of your best friends." Mortimer inquired. Donald took a sip from a nearby mug of coffee as he began to explain his story to Mortimer and Pete who stared into Donald's soul which made me feel very uncomfortable. Justin didn't seem to mind as he was busy running around the hotel room playing with his toy aeroplane. "Sit the fuck down boy!" I yelled angrily as the episode then cut to show a flashback.
In truth, Donald had always a barely hidden contempt for his best friend. He was always jealous of the success that Mickey had earned himself. Back in the old days before Walt passed away, Mickey was an idealist and a real fun mouse to be around. He didn't fake his feelings towards bad decisions that Disney made, and also gave helpful suggestions to the company when they were in times of crisis like during the 1970's and 80's. Mickey used to be a mouse who could take a stand about something. However in the early 2000's, Mickey became the new head of Disney Studios, and began making some changes. Under Mickey's tenure, Disney became well.... it became a joke. A laughing stock in the animation world if you will. Mickey was responsible for making some of the worst Disney movies including Home On The Range and Brother Bear. Brother Bear Brother Bear what are you doing over there?
Donald and Minnie tried their best to make suggestions, but Mickey felt that he was too above them now in terms of power, and refused to listen to any of their ideas. Now, Minnie accepted this for she felt that it would be unwise for her to challenge her husband in such affairs as business, but Donald felt differently. Donald believed that if he was chairman, he could make changes. Changes that were needed to create another Disney Renaissance. Donald was determined to create the Disney Renaissance Mark II. Donald then explained that after he takes control of Disney, he would be appointing Pete and Mortimer to serve as his enforcers and direct advisors. This caused Mortimer to pull an incredibly cheesy face as he proclaimed, "now I get it let's go!"
Leaving the bar, Donald, Pete, and Mortimer caught the trolley to Disney Studios. Arriving at Disney Studios, Donald was able to sneak past security until he reached the meeting room which sat on the very top floor of the building. Pete picked Donald up so that he could see through the window to the room. Inside the meeting room, Mickey was discussing making a Brother Bear live action remake. "But where is the sense in that?" One of Mickey's employees asked. Mickey responded to this question, by asking, "what do you mean by that buster?" "I'm just saying; with all due respect Mr Mouse... Brother Bear wasn't exactly a box office hit. Surly, it would make more sense to remake something like Hunchback or Tarzan." "Ha ha no!" Mickey proclaimed at the top of his lungs as he pressed a large red button on his desk which caused a trap door to appear beneath the employee. The employee fell through the floor, and he fell for hours. I do really mean hours. Trust in me I've got my sources. Also, I should mention that during the meeting, all the employees were eating bacon ultimate cheese burgers from Jack In The Box. Hmm very strange indeed.
Mickey then made his way over to the far side of the meeting room, and poured himself a glass of ass. He then turned to face his staff as he said, "you lot just don't seem to get it do you? I don't know care what movies we remake, they'll still make us money and that's all I care about." Mickey then continued with, "these remakes are the way of the future. I've been talks to close down the entire animation department, so's we can focus our efforts entirely on making more Disney remakes." Mickey took a sip from his drink as he then continued with, "after all it's like O'Hare always says, the more remakes we make the more the people will buy. We made a real mint from the Lion King remake, and those dumb fucks will pay anything for something our company creates even if it is nothing more than a shameless cash in on a pre existing classic like Beauty & The Beast." Donald was recording this entire exchange with a video recorder. After recording this, Donald placed the recorder inside his hat as he said, "gentlemen take me to the recording studio!"
Donald and his cohorts then snuck their way past the meeting room towards the large and empty recording studio. The voice actors were currently on lunch break. Mortimer made his way over to a transmitter which reached all the megaphones in the building. Mickey always used those damn megaphones to make announcements like the rise in price for raw cookie dough. The pricing was so bad that one time, Donald was so hungry he ate a taco from the parking lot which gave him a bad stomach ache. Mortimer grabbed the transmitter, and Donald then reached inside his hat and pulled out the video recorder from earlier. He began playing the contents into the transmitter for all of Disney to hear.
Mickey was now standing outside on the balcony which he used to give speeches. The balcony was located on the very top floor of the building, and was actually attached to Mickey's penthouse suite. Mickey was about to announce the new Brother Bear remake, but after the audience learned about what the mouse really thought of them they began booing and heckling him. Mickey didn't have time to register it as he was thrown inside a large brown bag by Pete who said, "the past must be paid for Mick." Mickey was then thrown onto a moving van which had conveniently parked down the road from Disney. "Take em away boys!" Donald proclaimed at the very top of his lungs. "Not tonight it's Christmas Eve!" The truck driver proclaimed in the dumbest voice you'd ever hear. He then began speeding down the streets towards the docks where Mickey was placed onto a freighter slated for Timbuktu.
In Timbuktu, Mickey grew very humble and respectful after falling in love with a local woman. He and the woman got married in a civil ceremony attended by the likes of General W.R Monger, Superintendent Chalmers, Moro, Gareth Eggplant, and Elton John, Elton John sobbed heavily into his handkerchief as the wedding took place. Sadly, Mickey's happiness was cut short after his wife was killed in an explosion caused by a car bomb which was intended for him. The bomb had been planted by the local mob were very angry about all the remakes that Mickey was churning out year after year. Six months passed by, and Minnie was finally given the greenlight by Donald to head to Timbuktu. While there, she and Mickey got married again for some strange reason. She also never learned that Mickey was a widower due to Mickey bribing all the townsfolk to keep their mouths shut.
Meanwhile, Donald now chairman of Disney began making great changes. He started making more 2D animated films, and cancelled the production of all Disney remakes. He also became much more powerful, and was able to take over Disney's top rivals DreamWorks and Illumination. He became known as the Santa Clause of the animation world, and is considered a legend by many local bar goers. And with, the episode came to an end by showing the normal credits. The music that played during the credits was, "Forget You," by Cee Lo Green.
After watching the episode, I decided to blow some steam by taking my family to see the pyramids. We caught a bus there, and upon arriving I nearly made the bloody bus break down because of my fat ass being able to get through the doors. At the pyramids, I asked for Joanna to take my picture. "Quick honey, take my picture. I got the pyramid in my hand!" I proclaimed happliy while posing outside the pyramid while Joanna took some photos. However, we both failed to notice that Justin had began making his way up the pyramid and was being chased down by two security guards. Justin ended up tripping on the small boardwalk area, and fell face first onto the pyramid. He didn't die however, and he ended up sinking through it. "What is this?" One of the guards asked when all of the sudden; the pyramid shot Justin high into the air like a trampoline. He ended up flying high into the morning sky, and at the rate he was going he could be probably have reached Hushaby Mountain before sundown. He ended up falling on top of me which ended up knocking me out.
When I awoke, I found that I was now back home in America attending therapy with Doctor Carrot. "As your doctor, I'd advise you to focus on your toe." Doctor Carrot suggested. You know something; I don't think he's a real doctor ya know? After attending some therapy sessions, I was then interviewed by the police who explained that the episode was created by Jack Box in an attempt to dethrone McDonalds and Burger King. That's when I recalled that in the episode, Mickey's employees were shown eating bacon ultimate cheese burgers from Jack In The Box. It all makes sense now. Against the police's orders, I stopped attending therapy with Doctor Carrot, and went back to my job even at the bar and grill. I was even able to get a promotion from fry cook to cashier. Quite the upgrade I must say!
Thankfully, Billy Bob Tanley and Otis who took seven weeks to clean up the manure from the fancy new rug, which isn't very new or expensive now really is it? I also began getting a lot more respect from my customers one of them being Superintendent Chalmers Slug. No joke, it was Chalmers but as a slug. He was very kind, though he did sometimes pull very smelly faces when I attempted to impress him with my rad dancing moves. "Well you certainly are an old fellow, but I must say you steam a good ham." The Chalmers Slug said happliy as he began sliding his way out the front door. I laughed a mighty laugh, and also made arrangements with the Slug to get Justin into Northwestern Medical School, even though Justin doesn't give a shit about medicine. I don't care about his happiness, I just care about lining up me shorts with hot sweet dough.
So, readers I guess this is the end of our epic tale, because I have nothing else to say and I'm getting pretty hungry. I need some pinecones know what I mean? So, the next time, you go into your local Jack In The Box, just remember this little story because hopefully that way you'll be a little wiser next time. Oh, and by the way if you're at the store later can you get me some milk, cause me and Joanna have ran out. Thank you for reading or listening or whatever the heck you're doing. Bye bye!
Credited to Bruno Tattagllia
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