Educating Goofy

Oh! Thank you so much for taking the time to see me today dearest reader! Forgive me, for jumping straight into the main agenda but I am under a time crunch to get this done in time. You see; I am currently in the process of getting my mansion cleaned up by a band of seals after my arch nemesis Mr Clumsy wrecked havoc upon my living room. You see; in recent months, I had begun giving out tours of my mansion to the masses, but mostly the rich and the powerful and those who can afford the luxuries in life such as private jets and a room with a view at the Plaza Hotel. I was very careful when hosting these tours of my mansion as I knew any day a burglar could be lurking just around the corner like a bowl of chicken dippers, so in order to combat this issue I decided to not install a security system in spite of suggestions from my associates in the London Stock Exchange and instead hired my good friend Mr Fussy to guard the mansion. Despite being old friends, I quickly grew to hate Mr Fussy because as the name implies he is rather fussy and he ended up switching things around my house to his liking. He was very evil and would remove seeds from my soda bread, trim my grass to be so short that you can see ants having a picnic, and placing the kettle in a way so that it faces counter clockwise to the oven. Having the kettle face this direction as you might expect is enough to make people vomit out their intestines, but I didn't know this until I began receiving threatening phone calls from the Molinari Crime Family.

Knowing Mr Fussy could ruin my mansion with his constant meddling, I had him fired and he took a long drive into the countryside in order to do some soul searching. While heading home, he came across Mr Strong who was lifting a barn for an incredibly smelly farmer who goes by the name of Farmer Said. Mr Fussy offered to give Mr Strong a hand, but Mr Strong had noticed Mr Fussy's presence so his question caught Strong off guard and caused him to lose his grip and for it to be dropped down on top of Fussy killing him I assume. Well, he may not be dead according to leaked photos on Reddit of him eating a boiled egg up in Corleone territory. Ole Fussy was a known contributor to the Corleone charities, so this doesn't surprise me all that much. I had heard about the barn falling on Fussy via the morning radio report, and I laughed hysterically as I rode down the smelly countryside to find a replacement security guard. I passed by a duck who had gotten his truck stuck in a pool of mud, and he asked if I could offer him a hand or perhaps a penny so he could dial for assistance on the nearby payphone which stank of lobster. Not nice lobster mind you. I'm talking about badly cooked lobster which is so bad that you can smell when it came out from the sea. I decided to pull a wickedly wicked trick on the duck, by making it seem as though as I was going to help push his truck, but just as I was about to unlock my front car door I sped down the lane in the opposite direction. I had left the duck behind to slowly starve to death. You may think that is quite sadistic of me to have done that, but you fail to realise that if the duck had been in my shoes he'd of done the exact same thing! I never liked ducks since I got attacked by them at the park one day when I tried to feed some ducks in a pond soda bread. How was I supposed to know that ducks don't like soda bread, and that soda bread is very dangerous to them?

I wasn't always this cynical, as a matter of fact at one time I was actually quite self-aware and humble. I was contacted by a little elf who took me inside an oak tree and he taught me a lesson about materialism which I took to heart, but quickly forgot about it once I got back to my mansion and received my most priced possession: the largest diamond known to man. The elf who had helped me all those moons ago tried to help me see the light again, by sticking it's head through my window as it sang, "come on Uppity there is room in your heart for love!" I took off my top hat and pulled out some spicy pepper powder and then I threw my hat at the elf causing peppery flakes to get in his eyes causing him to burn to death because he was quite seriously allergic to pepper it would seem. Pranking people with pepper, well that was something that I had many a time including to the dumbest man I know; Mr Dizzy. Mr Dizzy is so dumb and thinks that his beloved pet dog Rex loves him and wants him to succeed. He fails to understand that his beloved pet pooch is secretly a criminal mastermind who is rigging the stock results for pink custard so that they can overthrow spotted dick sales in Yorkshire Hills. Pardon me, but spotted what!? Ahem! Sorry about that, I had to clean my monocle where were we? Oh yes, I remember as I was saying I would frequently prank Dizzy by making him sniff pepper which causes him to catch a rather nasty case of sneezes. On one particular day after getting over a rather bad sneezing fit, Mr Dizzy pointed accusingly at me as he said in between sneezes, "hear me Uppity one day you will get what is coming to you. There will come a time when the small man squeezes back like a rat." "Yeah right." I muttered as I pushed Dizzy into the nearby pond with my cane and I laughed as he struggled to get out as the pond was filled with nasty stuffs like soda cans, ketchup packets, and propane bottles. Could this have been Hank Hill's work, or perhaps the Lord just works in mysterious ways as Elwood Blues once said.

I was beginning to give up hope that someone would come along to protect my mansion and my precious diamond which had been supplied to me by my good friend Richard Fatchurd. Fatchurd took me out to dinner at the Lamb And Flag Pub, and he told me all the stories about the diamond of how it supposedly came from the shoe of Alaskan Governor Shaw Fetching. "Governor Fetching you say?" I inquired as I stuffed a huge plate full of lettuce in my mouth. "Quite so. Quite so." Fatchurd sang as he began stuffing his face into a huge platter of ice cream only to end up catching a rather nasty brain freeze. He ordered his PA Fritz to consume the rest of the platter, but Fritz protested by saying, "Sir I am lactose intolerant." "Eat it boyio!" Fatchurd barked at the top of his lungs as a very sad Fritz took a big ole bite of the ice cream. While Fritz suffered from the ice cream, Fatchurd explained that Fetching had donated the diamond to the Grierson Gallery but it was stole from them by someone posing as Fatchurd himself. The imposter then sold the diamond online where it was bought by the real Richard Fatchurd you see standing before you. No one is sure quite who was inside the costume, but perhaps it is best left to the imagination. Some story. Some Tutter. I paid for the bill or rather Fritz paid for our bill as he had destroyed the bathroom due to him suffering serious intestinal problems from the ice cream platter he had been forced to ingest. During the walk to Fatchurd's car, he gave me the phone number of a man who could become my new security guard. "His name is Mr Clumsy. He's incredibly cheap. Heck, he'll even work for free. I sometimes hire him to scrub the floors whenever Fritz is on holiday in Freedonia with the fam." Fatchurd explained as he got inside his car which caused the bloody thing to tilt violently to the one side likely as a result of his weight. I really needed a security guard because three of my employees had recently been iced on the train by an unknown assailant with spaghetti hair. I made an appeal on national television where I asked how someone could be so cold blooded. It's maddening!

Convinced by Fatchurd, I decided to give this mysterious Mr Clumsy a ring. Though in retrospect, that surname really should have been a warning. Oh, buggering buggerton could that be some foreshadowing that I smell. You know I think it just might be! Mr Clumsy was very eager to join my services, and we scheduled an interview to take place at the local warehouse which was often used to ambush trespassers who had angered our esteemed leader; Chief Bitores Mendez. The big cheese is our nickname for ole Mendez, but don't tell him that now will ya? Ole Clumsy managed to win me over very quickly I might add, because he was the only applicant who didn't seem as though he was trying to sweet talk me into getting some of my money I was having a real problem with that you know. One thing worth of note is the fact that during his interview, Mr Clumsy kept tripping over and end up falling completely off his chair when he realised that his comically oversized shoes had not been tied. From this point onward, I began to realise exactly why and how Mr Clumsy got his rather iconic name. I was giving a tour of my mansion to some incredibly important business people from Birkland including Mr Harrington a big shot moneylender who has a thing for sports players of the Spanish variety. This had led to rumours of him possibly having an affair, but he was able to quell the rumours by investing a great deal of dosh into the Office of Price Administration. Little did people know however is that ole Harrington had his own agenda as he would nick federal ration stamps and sniff them as he happened to really love a good gas stamp. Don't tell Henry Tomasino will you? My usual cook was off sick, so I instructed Mr Clumsy to provide the catering requirements for Mr Harrington and the rest of the patrons in attendance to my tour.

Mr Harrington ordered a steak tartar; the kind you get at the smelly restaurant where people play the violin so loud that it causes you to choke on your bread roll doused in butter that is so thick it is almost a crime. Not having any steak tartar, Mr Clumsy went scanning through my fridge, and he ended up accidentally ripping the entire door off as he scanned over the various jars until he found a jar of peanut butter. Yes, I keep peanut butter in the fridge an age old tactic taught to me by the Tamil Kings. Mr Clumsy made a real pig's ear of a peanut butter sandwich, and he brought it over to Mr Harrington who recognised it's contents immediately and became very fearful as he cried, "oh my dear boy none of that! None of that!" Mr Harrington then revealed that he suffered from a pretty serious peanut allergy. "Oh I am sorry!" Mr Clumsy cried at the top of his lungs as he turned to leave only to end up tripping on a rather convinetly placed banana peel which caused him to accidentally lob the plate containing the peanut sandwich right at Mr Harrington who had his mouth open as he was about to ask Mr Clumsy if he played any sports. The peanut butter sandwich hit his face however which caused it to swell up like a balloon. Hmm, I don't think that's how allergies work but whatever who am I to judge huh? For I myself cannot claim to suffer from any given allergies. My loss is America's gain. Wink. Anyways, Harrington swelled up like a big chungus and he was taken to the hospital. On the way out, Mr Harrington strongly advised that I place a sheep tank around that damn moustache faced clutz. Yes, I had been present during the whole entire ordeal, but I had neglected to offer Mr Harrington any assistance because he rolled his eyes when he read about all my great achievements as he was more interested on if I played any sports. That bastard.

Since I didn't bother ordering a hit on Mr Clumsy as suggested, Harrington ended up suing my mansion and I lost a great deal of dosh but we thankfully were able to resolve the matter with an out of court settlement. Furious over losing half of my money, I was honestly tempted to fire Clumsy, but the problem is I would have to give him three months notice. The wily Fatchurd had most likely set me up, oh that fat fuck he'll get what's coming to him if my name isn't Mr Uppity! I was able to cover the court case due to the newspaper companies being on my payroll for big money, but I needed to keep Mr Clumsy out of my way as I was about to receive a visit from my lover Miss Splendid and a band of firemen who may or may not be on the Molinari Family's payroll. Only time will tell, but trust me I keep an active file. Wink. Sorry about that, now Miss Splendid a distant relative of Green M&M was very interested in buying the diamond off from me, and this was the real reason behind her visit. I planned to impress her during the visit by showing her pictures I had collected of some of city's finest people including Don Corleone, Bucky O'Buck Niell, and even a dodo we all know but name I can't say because he could be watching me right now and I really don't have the funds to afford paying royalties to that turd. I mean that whole thing with Mr Harrington already cost me a few pretty pennies I can't afford another! On the morning of Miss Splendid's arrival, I took Mr Clumsy with me into the backroom where I instructed him to watch some Disney+ as there were was no jobs for him to do today. "Right oh skips pips!" Mr Clumsy proclaimed happily as I left the room only to come back ten seconds later after a loud banging noise caught my earlobe. I came back to the room to find to my shock and horror, the TV smashed on the ground as Mr Clumsy rubbed the back of his head very sheepishly like some kind of Milton Ratface. I rubbed my face in contempt, but that's when I remembered a rather off colour bootleg Disney website that can only be accessed by the most mightiest of Disney fans. It's called Pete.

I wouldn't recommend looking for Pete as it is a proper dodgy site, and was named after Mickey Mouse's number one rival; Big Pete himself. A picture of ole Pete can be seen lurking around every corner of the website, but please don't be tempted to click on him as doing so takes you to a game where you get to choose a suit for him to wear. It may sound quite sweet on paper, but in reality it is anything but. There are a bunch of folders on Pete each containing never before seen episodes of cartoons of the Disney brand including Kim Possible, Recess, Phineas and Ferb, Lloyd In Space, and so many more. I came across one folder which really caught my monocle and it was labelled: "Mickey Mouse 2013." There was only one episode in the folder entitled Educating Goofy. There was a little info button next to the episode link and I clicked on it with the TV remote to see that it read, "this episode was replaced by Goofy's First Love, because production thought it was too dark. Like so dark it's almost like bark. View at your own risk." I clicked on the link, once Mr Clumsy let it slip that Goofy was his all time favourite Disney character which I found to be rather appreciate since ole Goof's accident prone ways remind me quite a bit of ole Clumsy. I turned to leave the room only to stop when I realised that I had accidentally locked myself in. I ran over to the window and attempted to climb out only to get shot at by my monk security guards who were wielding Winchester repeaters and were covered in tin foil. They thought I was a burglar because they had once again forgotten to wear their contacts to work again. I became very fearful, but regained my composure when I realised that Mrs Splendid and her firemen team wouldn't be arriving until late this afternoon so I had plenty of time. The monks usually clocked off for lunch at around 12, so that gave me plenty of time to prepare the dining hall for Splendid's splendid arrival shall we say. The reason I was so eager to make a good impression on her is the fact that I was planning to propose to her that very night.

I poured myself a cup of tea, and made one for Clumsy which he of course ended up spilling all over the sofa. I smiled an incredibly smelly smile at Clumsy like some kind of Felonious Gru as I offered him my own which he ended up spilling as well. Well shit. The link took a very long time to load, but it started by showing some commercials and that was the worst thing about Pete as they show really annoying commercials before you can watch your regular scheduled programming it's just good business. The first commercial featured Sergei one of the Compare The Market meerkats resting on a hospital bed crying about how people aren't buying car insurance anymore. His master and possible lover; Alexander then appeared at his bedside holding some flowers as he was very cynical and demanded that Sergei get back to work before sundown. Mr Alexander's outburst proved to be too much as it ended up killing Sergei. "Oh buggering buggerton!" Alexander cried as he was thrown onto the ground by two hospital employees who had no mouths suggesting they may have had a run in with Dennis. Sergei however only faked his death as he winked at the camera. The second and final commercial featured a bald man at church getting drunk on communion wine. "Oh thank you Lord this is thank you!" The man proclaimed as he and his rat faced wife drank the wine which made me feel really uncomfortable as it went on for a good twenty minutes. Believe me. I checked my pocket watch. The title card to the episode then came on screen, and it was really loud. Like so loud it made the ground shake like a big old bumblebee. The episode's name came on screen, and it was of course Educating Goofy. The title card had a picture of Goofy at a moratory of sorts with Donald Duck sitting next to him. Donald looked really bad. He had a wrench stuck to his neck, his webbed feet had been replaced with metal claws, and he was now in a wheelchair. The music playing in the background was the song What A Wonderful World by Sam Cooke, but it was in slow motion and it sounded nasty.

The episode then began with Scrooge McDuck and Duckworth giving a tour of Scrooge's mansion to some incredibly powerful looking businessmen who looked like they had some pretty complex questions for Scrooge to answer, but he knew all of their tricks for he had been planning for this very visit for months or so I thought anyway. Scrooge then proceeded to showcase his private art gallery much to the delight of the guests who gasped in awe at the many paintings that Scrooge had managed to acquire over the years including a painting of the Welsh countryside. An incredibly fat Welsh farmer who had snuck into the tour using a counterfeit invite rubbed the frame of the painting affectionately as he said, "nice frame." Hmm. Sensing that all of his guests were beginning to become quite hungry especially since one of them looked as though they wanted to bite poor ole Scrooge's head off, Scrooge cleared his throat very loudly I must add as he said, "if you excuse me, I have to pop to the kitchen to see how our cook is getting along with the food." Scrooge headed into the kitchen to find that Goofy was trying his best to make a platter dedicated solely to onions. This was to be the starter, but Goofy had special plans for the main course as he was preparing some lamb kebabs on a flaming hot skewer. Scrooge entered the kitchen and held his face with contempt as he asked, "Goofy where is the food? My guests are starting to get a tad impatient. I have given you a once in a life time opportunity here son don't forget that. I can take it away easier than a college diploma."

Scrooge McDuck had given Goofy the job of head chef at his establishment after Scrooge's previous chef Alonso turned out to be a crook who was actually just using Birdseye to make all of his meals. Scrooge only found out about the deception when a box of Birdseye pizza fell from the sky at the exact same time that Scrooge was digging into one of Alonso's 'homemade' pizzas, yeah homemade my arse! Pardon me, in any case, Goofy having had much experience with cooking given his time at House Of Mouse accepted Scrooge's offer to replace Alonso as head chef. After some casual threatening, Scrooge McDuck left the kitchen and laughed a wicked laugh as he dreamed a little dream of mushy peas in an ashtray at a hotel in Bedford Point. Truly a dream, we all wish to have. In any case, Goofy entered the dining hall carrying the lamb skewers having abandoned his onion platter in favour of jumping straight to the main course. "You'll love this!" Goofy proclaimed happily as he placed the biggest skewer of all in front of Lao Che the most powerful Triad boss in town. "We'll see about that." Lao said as he took a big bite out of the thing. He seemed to be impressed as he asked, "what is this anyway?" "It's a surprise." Goofy whispered in an incredibly sinister tone which seems highly out of place for someone of his calibre. Dinner service seemed to be going on well at first, as Goofy was allowed to sit and join but he quickly angered the waiter; Orio by asking for the wine to be placed into the wrong glass. "Wrong glass Sir!" Orio barked in the most aggressive way that has been spoken by a waiter, but Goofy did not care as he took a sip from his newly poured glass of wine when all of the sudden bad things started to happen. The patron from earlier who looked as though they were going to try and eat Scrooge with a knife and fork turned pale like a whale as they sold their stomach and cried, "oh I don't feel so good!" He then proceeded to shit out his intestines and collapse on the floor and most of the other patrons followed suit with the exception of Lao Che who was carrying the one and only vile of antidote to the food poisoning.

Naturally, Scrooge called the cops on Goofy, and while waiting for the cops to arrive, Goofy was instructed to wait upstairs in the master bedroom in order to have a good ole think about what he has done. Scrooge then came into the room and sat on the very edge of the bed and looked at Goofy with the most sinister glare that you'd ever see as he said, "dear Goofy you are becoming reckless lad. Your dangerous cooking methods endangered God knows how many people today. Someone was actually killed today because of what you did with those DISGUSTING kebabs of yours." Goofy explained to Scrooge that he had gotten the meat he used for the kebab skewers while out on a fishing trip at Lake Destiny Ohio with his boy Maxie. The pair were camping in a RV that Pete was driving because he owned the permits. Pete cooked the pair a lamp chop, but he ended up dropping the meat on the dirty stinky mud filled ground. Not wanting to throw out a perfectly good chop, Goofy picked up the chop as he remarked, "my boy my little Hercules!" So, Goofy had knowingly cooked very clearly rotten food for the guests of McDuck Manor. Don't try and give me that whole oh he didn't know it was rotten bit, because even someone with like half a brain cell would be able to tell that it was rotten. The bloody thing was green and had a big ole cockroach sitting in it smoking from a pipe as he remarked, "a new stove might be nice Mr Goof." Goofy really did buy a new stove yes indeed no doubt about that, oh and yes one lamb chop was enough to make like 15 skewers because the thing was extra large since Pete had stolen it from Willie The Giant in a heated game of checkers. Side note; Willie has a thing for checkers and loves to stick them down his throat despite protests from his doctors. After getting the scoop, the police officers came crashing into the master bedroom and arrested Goofy. After being thrown into an incredibly smelly jail cell which had no sheets for the bed, Goofy knew that he was in for a rough night.

Surprisingly, Goofy didn't seem to mind being in the slammer all that much, as he rather enjoyed the company of the local washing machine dealers who had been ratted out by the Corleone Dobermans. Goofy became something of a story teller while inside rambling on and on to the inmates about all the various times that he and Max went fishing out at Lake Destiny. He also felt comfortable enough to share with them the perfect cast. With Goofy seemingly being quite content about rotting in the can for the rest of his days, Mickey realised that he and Donald would have to take matters into their own hands or feathers I guess in Donald's case. Once again, Donald did not look right with him having the wrench stuck to his throat, being in a wheelchair, and even having the weird cyborg legs again. Donald and Mickey managed to arrange an audience with the head of the jail; or rather heads as it happened to be my personal idols Sam and Max themselves. They were dressed as stereotypical 1800s English policemen. Sam was swirling his baton around like a fool as he said, "sorry Mickey ole pal, but I can't give credit. That friend of yours has got a playdate with destiny and read potatoes." Max held up a bag of red potatoes and threw them down a pipe which was located on Sam's desk. The potatoes were to reach the canteen in two minutes where they were then going to be served as lunch to all of the inmates at the jail including Goof. They weren't allowed to put gravy on the potatoes or even allowed to peal them for that matter, you were forced to eat the bloody thing whole and that's honestly kind of sad. Donald rolled his eyes as he said, "what on Earth are you two smoking? Goofy he just made a mistake. Surely you could present him with a bill of some sort, after all he is no fool." Bit rich for you to be making fun of people for smoking Donald when for some odd reason in this particular episode you sound like you've been smoking for 12 billion and a half years. The a is silent. Ahem!

Not wanting their pal to spend the rest of his days rotting in a can eating red potatoes, Mickey suggested that Sam and Max send him to a behavioural correctional facility. "Goofy can change. He may be dumb, but he used to be quite smart he had a wife and another kid but they left him for a milkman you see which caused him to start becoming dumb again." Mickey explained. It was true. Back in the 1950's, Goofy had a completely different family while also having a completely different first name. His first was George back then, and he took the name from a family friend who used to take Goofy out for fishing trips with him in the rural countryside. Goofy would greatly anger George by taking the boat too far out to sea, but regardless back when he went under the alias of George, Goofy was much more responsible having a respectable job in a shipping company in Empire Bay. He had a wife and a child and they all lived together in a beautiful flat in Kingston, but Goofy ended up losing his boring smart life when his wife left him for a milkman. He really should have been quicker on the uptake as his wife wasn't exactly hiding the fact that she was cheating on him. One morning, Goofy answered the door to get the milk only for the milkman to plant a big one right on Goofy's rotten lips which still had the remains of a Hi Dad soup can drawn over it. Don't tell me you don't remember Hi Dad soup. Max rested his arm above Mickey's head as he said, "that's all well and good Mr Mouse, but what has that story got to do with us accepting Goofy into our behaviour program thing?" Mickey rubbed the back of his head and smiled an incredibly nervous smile as he sang, "but there's something missing yes ah hah! Where is the groom?" Sam got up from his seat as he proclaimed, "he's right Max! How could we be so penny foolish? We got to give Goofy a chance. A chance of becoming smarter. He'll become smart like... like... like Ozzie Jones." Ozzie Jones the half brother of the scarecrow and the man who bought a brain from the Brain Warehouse and became infamous for bottling up sweat glands. He became a zillionaire almost overnight.

If you wish to hear the full story of Ozzie, please make sure to get the DLC combo pack; Ozzie's Story and Ozzie's Vendetta. Ozzie's Vendetta is a rip off because you play as an incredibly sinister street mug who is bald and has no eyes, but when you're in a jam you call him. Oh yeah it's gonna be a good day! Anyways, one month had passed, and Goofy was getting ready to attend his first behaviour correction lesson. It had taken a long time for Sam and Max to arrange the lessons having to make several phone calls to Rafael the class's teaching assistant. No he wasn't the ninja turtle you silly little goose, he was a bird who had a dream to choke blue jays with a bottle cap. Sick fuck. Rafael helped Goofy find his way around the classroom until the teacher walked in placing a suitcase on his front desk. The teacher smiled confidently as he said, "good morning class are we sitting comfortably?" Well shit that was Peter Napaldi. I recognised him instantly! I had actually met Napaldi once, and he was very nice to me and we ate lunch together in a very quiet Witherspoon's. Hey, not everyone is a dick alright? Peter Napaldi nearly let out a laugh when an incredibly fat student named Fatima started eating his lunch early and he ended up getting honey all over his fucking legs. "Ox it's stuck!" The student cried at the very top of his lungs as he dried to wipe the honey off with a really rank looking tea towel. Napaldi managed to contain himself as he decided to then go around the classroom, and ask for everyone to give their names and to list their reasons for joining the class. There weren't that many people in the class with there only being two other attendants aside from Goofy. The first person in the class was Maurice of the Tetley Tea Folk.

Maurice's behaviour had caused some serious confusion and delay because he kept refusing to listen to the instructions of the wise Gaffer, and because of this an entire batch of Tetley Tea ended up becoming contaminated. Gaffer and the others did not realise that the tea was dodgy until it was far too late, and it had already reached Tesco shelves. Many people became sick, and some even attempted to sue the Tetley Tea Folk out of their hard millions. In a reaction to this lynching, Tetley responded by sending the people who complained several large colourful boxes which were filled with candy not very nice candy either. The kind of candy that a old person would give you at a retirement home. Gaffer was really stupid by doing this instead of giving people money, because when you're sick the last thing, you'd want is sweets. Maurice unbeknownst to the others had tampered with the tea on purpose as he wanted to get everyone sick as payback for him not getting recognition like the rest of the Tetley Tea Folk. Maurice had been having some serious doubts about his future with the Tetley Tea brand as the last 10 years had seriously eroded the strength of the company's mascots. Gaffer though still a competent leader and a great judge of character was simply getting old and no longer had the youthful fitness to give out motivational speeches. Sydney had mellowed with age too and was not ruthless anymore. Allegedly, Sydney used to be a ruthless hitman for Don Peppone but that's a story that has been denied time after time. What? Why are you looking at me that way dear reader? Um... Maurice and his behaviour was getting out of control so naturally, Gaffer and Sydney put in the necessary arrangements for him to join the behavioural correction facility that the jail offered.

The second attendant to the class was the really fat kid Fatima. He was incredibly fat, and only just narrowly avoided getting eaten by a cheetah after getting lost in Hushaby Mountain. The cheetah was shot and killed by Overly American Soldier 1002. Thinking that the young Fatima was being far too reckless by walking through Hushaby Mountain without a guide. His parents had hired a guide named Jake to escort Fatima through Hushaby Mountain, but he ended up getting lost himself when he noticed a coyote eating a deer and he ended up watching the scene for so long that he forgot his own name. How sad. After being given the students' reasons for joining the class, Peter Napaldi slammed his fists down onto his desk which caused everyone in the room including Rafael to let out a scream of concern. Peter opened up his suitcase, and pulled out a pair of slick black sunglasses. He placed them on as he said, "gentlemen let's go and take a walk. I'm going to teach you all a little lesson in trust." Peter and Rafael took the class out to the local pond which was really nasty as there were bottles of O'Hare Air in it, and because Fatima is so bloody stupid he ended up tripping into the pond. He was clearly trying to show himself off and make people laugh as he hoped to become a mainstay funnypasta character. Well Fatima you listen here, and you listen well you may be funny like honey but you've got a long way before you can rival the likes of Colonel Dodo. Did I just say... oh fuck! Well there goes 2 million of my hard earned bitcoins. Money well spent... I guess. Anyways, Peter lent out his hand in an attempt to get Fatima out of the pond, but Fatima was so strong that he ended up pulling Peter in with him.

After all that nonsense, Peter then revealed that this lesson would be all about trust, and he pointed at Goofy who had become distracted and was busy trying to fish in the pond completely unaware that the fish swimming in there were all radioactive. They just went swimming and now they glow! "Mr Goof." Peter said before continuing with, "I need you to hold your hands out and catch Maurice. And Maurice I want you to close your beautiful eyes and fall backwards." The camera zoomed in on Maurice's panicked face as an overly loud record scratch sound effect could be heard playing off screen. Goofy got behind Maurice, and got ready to catch him as Maurice started falling backwards very slowly I might add. Sadly, Maurice ended up also falling into the pond after Goofy got distracted by a bumblebee which had started to chase him. I guess ole Goof is a melissophobe am I right? Also, worth noting is that while the bumblebee chased Goofy really smelly fart noises could be heard playing in the background. Peter rubbed his face in contempt as he said, "this is going to take a lot of work." He then turned to face Rafael as he said, "looks like you were right Rafael. This is certainly one heck of a sticky wicket. If I'm going to get these little fools to develop a more positive outlook on life then I need to call in the big guns. Call in Salvatore Torini." Rafael reacted instantly by wrapping his feather around Peter's lovely tailored suit as he said, "come senior Pete surely there is another way. Forgive me Boss, but that Sal Torini is a clown. A fricking nut job if you will." He then sang, "if they gave a prize for being weird the winner would be him!" "I thought you might say that. So it appears that your usefulness has finally run it's course." Peter said ominously as a black car pulled up on the pavement beside the pair. Ian Mercer got out from the car, and gestured for Rafael to get in. Rafael looked really sad as he was taken into the car by force where he would no doubt be made into chicken nuggets. He's not even a chicken. Well shit that's sad.

That evening, Goofy, Fatima, and Maurice were all taken to Sun-Fun-Island. Otherwise known as Salvatore Torini's home turf. Sal Torini while mostly known for being a fricking nut job was actually incredibly happy. Too happy I'll say! So happy it's enough to make you sick. Very sick. While on the camp grounds, Goofy and the others were forced to abide by Sal's rules and they were forced to take part in all of the really smelly camp activities that no one in their right mind would want to do such as singing campfire songs and making macaroni art. Sal was very much the patroniser as he was very cynical as Goofy struggled to make a smiley face using the macaroni. He smiled the most fucking awful smile that I have ever seen as he said to Goofy, "oh that's very good Goofy!" Goofy started to break down and cry. He would have preferred dodging bullets in the Olive Oil War to this. Fatima and Maurice didn't fare much better either, with Maurice being glued to his chair by an incredibly sinister policeman who smiles very sinisterly as Sal gives his lessons. Fatima struggled the hardest because he wanted to eat the macaroni, but couldn't bring himself to do it as the damn things had been wrapped in tape. The wily Sal Torini had planned well! He was so hungry that ole Fatima ended up downing a bucket containing nothing but felt tip pens. You don't know that you're truly hungry until you start to eat the felt tip pens. That my friends is when you experience true hunger. "Oh Mick! Where are you?" Goofy asked as he was forced to sing some more campfire songs. That bastard Sal Torini is so cruel because he makes you sing on your own even if you're a socially awkward little penguin kind of like me. Hey wait a minute that's not right! I say dear reader that's rather rude!

The behavioural correction classes only lasted for a month, and once that month was over Goofy was allowed to go free. But he was required under court law to get a job. Goofy had become a new dog ever since spending his tenure at the class having become very boring so boring that he now desires to know a house up in the East Coast where he would spend his evenings sniffing bottles with boats in them much to the chagrin of his house guests. He could not afford to be caught doing anything silly or reckless as that would result in him getting sent to Mercer who acted as Peter's personal hitman. Both Maurice and Fatima had escaped the Sun-N-Fun Island by digging underground using mainly spoons. They had tried to encourage Goofy to go with them. Goofy got out from his sleeping bag as he yelled in a gruff voice completely unlike himself, "ah shut up! Go back to sleep!" Goofy was so incredibly boring that he had no trouble whatsoever when it came to getting a job at a big shot company in the big city which builds chimes. Chimes! The head of the company was a fat fucking mouse with insect antenna goes by the name of Buggy Mouse. He was a personal friend of Mr Purutu. Purutu is obsessed with chimes and used to go on about them every single day even if no one was listening. After being inspired by Purufu and his stories about chimes, Buggy decided to get back at his overbearing father by starting a company what mass produces chies by the daily. Buggy's father hated chimes, but Buggy though incredibly strong and a former Cuneo Family boxer he could not bring himself to stand up to his father, and kept a picture of him behind his desk at all times. The picture was meant to signify the fact that his father would be always watching him and there was nothing. I repeat nothing that little Buggy could do that could remedy the situation.

Goofy was able to ace his interview because he was so boring now that he ended up unintentionally sending Buggy to sleep, and when he awoke not wanting to hear the interview again decided to just hire Goofy on the spot. Funny thing is; during the interview, Goofy didn't even utter a single word about chimes preferring to instead talk about the correct way to paint ceiling panels. Hmm, I don't think you're supposed to paint ceiling panels Goofy. But whatever who am I to disagree right? The day after getting his brand new job, Goofy was walking down the street where he was intercepted by Mickey and Cyborg Donald. "Hey Goofy how you been? You didn't tell us your classes were over." Mickey said, but Goofy had no time for him as he said, "I got a little smarter Mick, and now I've come to understand that I do not need people like you. I need smart people like me." "Whoa what you saying prick? You saying we not good for you now or something?" Donald questioned as he began charging at Goofy's leg with his wheelchair. Goofy remained impassive as he gave Donald's wheelchair a right good kick which sent him flying to the other side of the fucking city. He ended up having a collusion with a trolley which was taking some elderly ladies to see the Northern lights, but Donald fails to realise the crash was actually a blessing in disguise for he has saved the ladies from falling victim to a timeshare scam. Mickey helped Donald get back into his chair as he said, "Donald we've created a monster!" "What do you propose we do Mick?" Donald questioned as the wrench on his throat became tighter and tighter. Mickey held his pooey gloved finger high up into the early evening sky as he proclaimed, "we have to find the harp to wake Minnie up!" "You sure do talk a load of bullocks Mick." Donald said as the screen suddenly cut to a brief clip of an incredibly fat man putting his GameCube into a microwave only to have the bloody thing fucking explode. Serves ya right! Seriously don't abuse your GameCubes when you don't want them anymore, and instead send them to a GameCube Trust Fund. This has been Mr Uppity official spokesman for GameCubes In Need.

Back to the episode, Mickey and Donald headed to the behavioural correction classroom where they discovered to their dismay that since it was a Saturday it meant that Peter was not in. He was at the seaside for his summer haul or so they thought. Mickey had made arrangements with a hired driver to take them to meet with the Tamil Kings who would find Peter, and make him talk until the cows come home. But when do the cows come home Bob? When do the cows come home? Mickey knew that no one not even Peter Napaldi could ever think of saying no to the Tamil Kings. Heading outside, Mickey found the driver just chilling next to the red horse which Mickey had ironically named Ferrari, but he was not moving. The driver then fell to the floor dead having been killed by Peter Napaldi's pet killer Mr Mercer. Mr Mercer smiled at Mickey as he said, "evening Mr Mouse, shame huh?" He then held up the letter that Mickey had wrote for the Tamil Kings as he said, "he was carrying this. It's a letter to the Tamil Kings. It's from you." He said that last line in a very menacing tone of voice as he pinned Mickey to the side of the carriage and began beating the snot out of the poor little mouse. Mickey deserves it. No I don't care if that's cold. As a matter of fact, you can call me Ice Cold Uppity. Don't... don't actually call me that. With Mickey getting a taste of some ass kicking, Donald decided to take matters into his own feathers by confronting Peter at his hangout which was an old abandoned car park just north of Strawberry.

Donald pulled out a handgun and aimed it at Napaldi but he barely gave any reaction to speak of and appeared to be rather impassive about the whole thing like some kind of Tom Hagen. Peter smiled evilly as he said, "lad I know why you came here. Put the gun down, and we'll have a brew." "Okay." Donald said like some kind of Leon Scott Kennedy as he lowered the gun and followed Peter into one of the old, abandoned offices. Donald sipped on a cup of tea. Rookie mistake there as the tea tasted like ass because the pipes were very faulty. Peter didn't seem to mind as he was drinking tea that he made at home where the pipes worked like a fine wine. To make a long story short, Sal Torini and his teaching methods did very little to change Goofy. In fact, despite initially hating Sal, Goofy grew to develop a good friendship with Torini and the two would often go around town demanding that people sing them a sea shanti. They're all ears say cheers. Cheers! Sorry about that, I had ass flu but, in any case, Peter separated the pair and took Goofy back to the behaviour correctional classroom and began force feeding him brain grub. Not even little spoonful's mind you, I'm talking about fucking massive scoops. As a result of the brain grub, not only had Goofy become incredibly smart and boring, but his head was now 1000 times bigger than normal. Mickey and Donald were unable to see that due to Goofy wearing an incredibly large woolly hat during their encounter.

Because of the brain grub, Goofy now hung around with some of the world's most boring bores including Doctor Carrot and the aforementioned Mr Purutu. They were having themselves a drink at a patriarch house based in the richest part of town. "Chimes." Mr Purutu said as he began telling Goofy a little story about how chimes are essential to a building's structure. He was kind of right in saying that, but he was so very boring when making his points that the point is often lost because the person listening has fallen fast asleep. "I do quite fancy a chime or two to ring me a tune a fine tune I might add." Goofy said as he entertained Father Gellick the richest priest in all of Mickey Mouse Land. "Dublin seems to suit you Mr Goof. You have a new found gleam in your eyes." Father Gellick said as he gave special orders to his head chef to prepare a pheasant for lunch. Doctor Carrot too was pleased with the sudden change with Goofy and asked him questions about his opinion on the rise in the ethos in workplaces that no mouse nor duck should ever work at. Goofy had no time to answer Doctor Carrot's questions as a thin cord was thrown around his ear. "I say what is this?" Goofy questioned as he attempted to pull the wire off, only for a fish hook to grab hold of the side of his smelly face. The exact same side of Goof's face that he had often used to rub crickets against. He had not washed that side of his face in 1900 years, so it was pretty nasty looking as you can probably imagine. Goofy was dragged outside the house by Donald who then had Mickey stuff the poor little bugger into the trunk of Mickey's twinkie mobile.

Meanwhile, the borings were dealt with by an incredibly scary monster who was a red wolf, but don't you dare call it a wolf because it might make your TV break. A local farmer's cow attempted to get the trio to flee, but they were too stubborn so they ended up getting eaten by the monster. Well, in actual fact, only Father Gellick was eaten as both Doctor Carrot and Mr Purutu had managed to escape having actually headed the old cow's warnings. Gellick did not listen because he was a close friend of a local woodcutter who encouraged Gellick to never listen to the words of wise cows as they could very well be Jimmy Kimmel in disguise. Jimmy Kimmel oh my what a terrible thought! I shuttered a fart as Mickey and Donald rode their car out into the countryside, and they rode for miles and miles until they eventually reached Lake Destiny Idaho. The place where Goofy's father had created the perfect cast back in the Summer to end all Summers. Back when the world wasn't made of bricks and nobody had to pay for air! Goofy was hogtied by Mickey and tossed onto a small rowing boat. Donald and Mickey got onto the boat and handed Goofy a fishing rod. "We're going fishing isn't that a tad bit Dickensian?" "Goofy what the fuck are you talking about? We have a lot of important work to do!" Donald barked angrily. He was very angry because he worked at a mortuary and was often bombarded by work. He just wanted to head home and enjoy some hot cocoa in front of the fireplace where he would be no doubt interrupted by his bastard nephews who want him to take them out to a Christmas shopping mall based in Birkland. Having been out of practice for quite some time, it took Goofy quite a while for him to achieve his purpose. He even turned a little sadistic as he ended up catching a frog wearing a red parker named Lyman. Realising that Lyman was quite obviously not a fish, Goofy proceeded to throw him onto a nearby lily pad. That may sound really sweet, but then we were treated to a SICK scene where Lyman got his little frog legs torn off by red belly piranhas.

Goofy eventually managed to get the hang of it, after Mickey used cocaine as fishing bait an age old tactic taught to him by his mentor; Hank Hill. At one point in time, Mickey had wanted to follow Hank in his trade of selling propane and propane accessories but sadly he lived a completely different life. With the cocaine bait, Goofy was able to catch many little fishes much to Mickey's delight and Donald's grievance as it seemed as though the old Goofy was beginning to shine through this boring renegade who was currently occupying his body. After the fishing trip was over, Mickey's next stop was to take Goofy into town where they caught a trolley to an incredibly smelly university which allows anyone regardless of age to take an entrance exam even if you have not applied there before. Before heading into to take the exam, Mickey and Donald told Goofy a story about sugar plums and jams and jellies. During the exam, Goofy ended up getting distracted as he had a day dream all about his son Max living inside a cup of tea only for his head to burst off and for tea to get all of the place. Goofy was awoken by a very angry exam administrator. The exam administrator was very rude as they stole Goofy's test paper right from under him even though he had clearly not even answered a single question on the paper yet. Goofy sunk to his knees as really sad music played in the background, very sad music indeed I must say. The results of the exam were posted all over town for everyone to see, and when they learned just how stupid Goofy really was all of Goofy's new found smart friends decided to turn their backs on him as quickly and as elegantly as a candle goes out. Peter Napaldi saw the results of the test while walking his pet bulldog to the vet, and upon seeing how badly Goofy did on the paper he rubbed his head in contempt as he sighed, "you've really let us down lad."

Karma thankfully ended up getting back at Peter for his force feeding Goofy brain grub as his pet bulldog ended up taking a massive dump on the side of the road. Peter struggled to clean the mess up as he was yelled at by an incredibly sinister old man who often sticks his head out of restaurant windows so he can yell at the people who pass by. No one wants to be friends with that old guy, and that's quite honestly kind of sad. With Peter Napaldi getting taught his lesson, Mickey and Donald only had one final thing for Goofy to learn. Acting under Donald's instructions, Goofy did a handstand and stuck his feet in the air as Mickey rubbed peanut butter over them as he then asked Goofy to recite the Welsh National Anthem. In the middle of the recission, Goofy's oversized head started to shoot out lighting bolts. Big ones too. Mickey and Donald hid behind a nearby rocking chair as Mickey clasped his hands together before saying, "so it's come to this then Donald; the final transformation!" There hadn't been any other transformations up to this point Mickey you stupid little mouse! Oh if only I had let Mortimer kill you Mick! Oh if only! Ahem! Wow that got dark real quick, but whatever Mickey was right as Goofy's head shape returned back to normal as he was now back to his normal self. "So Goofy what do you want to do now?" Donald asked as he began chucking a beer. "LAKE DESTINY IDAHO!" Goofy proclaimed in the loudest proclamation that you'd ever hear as the screen suddenly zoomed in extra close to his face. Just as the gang were about to head out for a fishing trip having already dressed up in fishing gear in anticipation for the trip. The front door to the house creaked open as the gang came across one horrifying sight. I couldn't believe what I saw! It was a terrifying looking Squidward Tentacles looking prick who had a teeny tiny button nose, big puffy cheeks, and a smile so sinister it implies malice. Isn't the same thing though? The whole gang mostly Mickey and Goofy were shocked by this Squidward's grostque appearance as the Bootleg Squidward closed the episode by asking, "hi how are you?" The episode then ended with the normal credits. Now that was good.

Suddenly, a nasty post credit scene came on which showcased my latest security guard Mr Clumsy sitting on the train late at night sitting next to three men who looked very familiar to me at least. They were all wealthy looking businessmen with one of them offering Mr Clumsy some chips as they had a box full of fish and chips and mushy peas. Clumsy took the hot box of food into his hands, but it was indeed very hot so he ended up dropping the contents all over the carriage floor. The three men became outraged as they pinned Mr Clumsy down onto the floor and began beating him up with one of them yelling, "you clumsy bastard!" Poor Clumsy was being beaten for awhile until he eventually pulled out a revolver and iced two of the businessmen. That's when I realised that these were no ordinary businessmen, but rather these were the exact same employees of mine who were iced on the train by the man with the spaghetti hair. I didn't recognise them at first, because to be honest I didn't know them that well as they normally did work with my finical advisor. The third man attempted to flee, and actually managed to get out onto the train station, but Mr Clumsy now glaring like a mad man got out from the train and was in hot pursuit. He kicked the final man down onto the ground, and held him there as he shot three fatal bullets into the man's shoulder and head killing him instantly. Shocked, I was about to confront Clumsy for his role in the three murders, but that's when I heard the door to the room shut tight. I looked through the keyhole and saw Mr Clumsy wiggling the key in front of me as he pulled an incredibly cheesy face. The same that Goofy once pulled after he unplugged Max's computer game system mid race much to the frustration of Max's community college roommates.

Banging on the door, I yelled with rage, "come on Clumsy you got to let me out! I was your friend! I gave you a job, free lodgings, and I even cared for you... not like a son but like just like a mini mall!" Mr Clumsy laughed evilly as he said, "I guess you are right. I'll let you out." And so, he did. He unlocked the door, and bolted down the hallway down the stairs towards the main lobby of the mansion where the tour had begun. I was intercepted during the chase by the Station Officer Muller. He was an old bulldog of a fireman who most assuredly was getting paid by the Molinari Family or in the very least had some kind of arrangement with them. He was known for throwing Christmas charity toy drives with his fireman band, and that may sound sweet until you stop and realise that he was actually keeping the toys for himself as he was a massive man child or dog child I guess. Oh poppy cock it doesn't even sound right! Hang on a tick; poppy what!? Ha ha! Oh my that's quite funny! I escorted Mrs Splendid, Station Officer Muller, and the rest of the firemen band through to the art gallery which contained the diamond only to find to my shock and horror that the diamond was no longer there. Mrs Splendid pulled out a teeny tiny microscope as she and the others had thankfully become distracted by my painting of a man pulling his toes off in order to distract him from the bitter cold. Tis a rather cold evening indeed. I used their moment of distraction to my advantage and headed back to the sitting room where I found Mr Clumsy messing around with the diamond. "Oh, you clumsy boy! Give me the diamond, and then you and I are heading downtown where you will confess to your crime! Don't worry, I'm sure the commissioners will be more than understanding when it comes to handling your case son."

Thankfully, Mr Clumsy decided to place the diamond back onto the shelf but sadly he tripped due to his shoes being untied and the diamond ended up falling onto the ground. I tried to catch it, but I was too late for I had become quite slow with age and my reflexes weren't quite as sharp as they used to be. The diamond smashed into a million tiny bite size pieces as all of the sudden Mrs Splendid came in and she looked very cross. She shook her head with contempt as she said, "oh Mr Uppity you really are clumsy!" I sat on the floor in defeat as Mr Clumsy taunted me by squashing my hat and then placing it back onto my head. That bastard. I had no time to get revenge on Clumsy as I ended up getting forcibly evicted off the premises by the firemen as I needed to be taught a lesson about being nice to people or so that what's Mrs Splendid claimed needed to happen anyway. I was taken to work at the salt mines which are controlled by Lord Nooth. He owns all of the salt mines in the world or at least in Great Britain anyway. I highly doubt he could control all of the salt mines, but maybe one day he could. Perhaps he is planning a mighty takeover, but that is another story. Hmm. Ass biscuits! Now thankfully, I never interacted with Lord Nooth directly as I was busy being tormented by his top man; The Coachman who had a thing for whipping me with a whip doused in Genco Pura Olive Oil. Eugh! I don't care much for that particular brand of oil as I preferred Filippo Berio Olive Oil. I was kind of hoping you'd come along with us SpongeBob, and by that I of course mean I was kind of hoping that Mr Berio would sponsor this doc, but unfortunately, I had no such luck in that regard I'm afraid.

The Coachman was very wicked but also incredibly tragic as he mainly tormented me because he cannot get revenge on the people back home who tormented him by giving him the nickname of The Little Buttery Man, a nickname he earned because he stank of butter. Not very good butter either. The kind of butter that an old lady gives you after you call her fat much to the dismay of your local gumball dealer. Ooh a gumball! Can't spread shit with that butter! No you can't! No you can't! Why would spread shit with butter anyhow? Thankfully, I was not required to work in the salt mines for my entire life as I was soon allowed the keys back to my mansion once Mrs Splendid received a suggestion from her good friend Lady Birkshire who suggested that I be placed into anger management which will allow for me to learn the lesson about materialism that the world had so thoroughly rejected to teach me. After being handed the keys by the foreman of the mines who looks like a fat fucking mole with rat teeth, I tipped my top hat as I sang, "thank you very much! Thank you very much! That's the nicest thing that anybody has ever done for me!" Suddenly, I was picked up mid song by a bird who looked like Christopher Eccleston. The bird took me towards the sunset with it as I asked, "oh I do say where are you taking me dear bird?" "Mr Uppity I'm taking you home to a flying hammock as a reward for saying thank you!" The bird proclaimed happily as both he and I disappeared into the sunset. While flying towards the flying hammock, I thanked everyone that we passed but most of them responded by giving me the middle finger. I'm honestly not that bothered at all really about joining anger management, just as long as one of my classmates isn't a bear or a bloody stupid eagle who steals charity money. Oh yes, that would annoy me very much so. It is going to be a challenge, but guess what love I like challenges! So bring on anger management because Mr Uppity is out of here!

And, that concludes today's doc take the worksheets home with you and answer all 499 questions including the ones in Chinese, and bring the sheets back to me tomorrow and you'll get a free prize! Well two prizes, with the first being a parker pen just for inquiring and the second and final prize is a free ticket to go skiing in the alps. What's that you don't like skiing? Well tough shit. Ta ra! I'll catch you on the rebound slick!

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Credited to Bruno Tattagllia 

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