Elf VHS
So I loaded in a VHS tape of the hit Christmas movie Elf when it came out once. I didn't know it came out on VHS, but I guess it did and I had a VHS player at the time. It was kinda weird.
Anyways, I put in the VHS tape in the VHS player. There was no menu becausw it was a VHS, not a DVD. By the way, did you know that VHS tapes don't have DVD menus? Anyways, the movie started.
It played like normal, but when that one troll farts during Buddy's father's narration at the beginning, it was way louder and it scared me. I assume it was some sort of production glitch with this release. A bit unnerving, but I roll with it anyways. There was also a difference in the beginning scene where Santa accidentally kidnaps Buddy from the orphanage, where you a five second scene of Santa turning towards the screen, the background goes black, red light is emitted on Santa's face, and Santa says "according to plan" menacingly. Then the movie continued as normal further until the talking apple scene.
For whatever reason, when Buddy starts becoming disoriented about actually being a human and not an elf, a dreamy sequence of clips of Buddy tossing and turning in bed while depressing music plays takes place. It still cuts to Buddy running outside, but instead of talking to the snowman, a mysterious apple making ominous humming noises while emitting a golden aura creeps out of the snow near Buddy by the water.
"Buddy....Buddy...."
Buddy approached the apple. It had human eyes and a mouth. Buddy asked "how in the world did you manage to survive the weather around here?".
The photo-realistic talking apple replied "now is not the time Buddy. You must head south. Kill him. Kill him. Kill...."
"Kill who?" Buddy asked.
The apple's face then faded, yet Buddy nodded as if he understood. The usual sequence of the movie then resumes, until we get to the scene where Buddy tries to meet his father for the first time. As Buddy is getting kicked out of the building, Buddy suddenly turns toward the camera with a blank face, and he says something. Unfortunately the audio cuts out however so I don't know what in the world he said there. Everything proceeded normally again after that point in the movie, but things became wierd again when Buddy was eating dinner with his father's family. It's almost entirely normal except Buddy is eating spaghetti that keeps on slightly morphing into a green color for a split second. The soda that Buddy drinks also seems to be more red than what I've noticed in other versions of the hit film Elf. I could have sworn I've seen Elf on VHS before and the soda was not this red, but it was. The burp Buddy belched also felt longer than usual for some reason, but when I bothered to compare the length of burp sounds later, it suddenly appeared to be normal length. Weird.
After Buddy's father tucked Buddy into bed and closed the door, things became even weirder. Besides Buddy and his bed, the entire scene turns black and the face of a visually somewhat transparent Buddy the Elf fades into the left side of the shot and says:
"No one ever loved you Buddy. Your father hates you. Your real father hates you. Everyone hates you. Even Santa hates you. You are an awful human being, and will never be a real elf, ever". The sounds of crying children then plays for some reason as giant somewhat-transparent Buddy smiles, and then the scene returns to normal. The tape then randomly skips to an entirely new scene of a zoomed out shot of Buddy the elf wandering what looks like the wooden floor of a giant house. There's almost no sound and we just observe Buddy wandering around the floor for two minutes. The quality of the tape deteriorates a little at this point. After roughly two minutes, a giant foot crushes the tiny Buddy, and the camera zooms out to reveal it's actually a normal-sized Buddy t3eh Elf in a normal-sized Buddy the Elf house. Buddy smiles. The tape suddenly turned to violent static and then skipped to the Santa fight scene with the fat manager guy.
The rest of the movie is nearly normal, albeit the quality of the VHS deteriorates gradually throughout the remainder. However, I noticed this time there is an after-credits scene where Buddy is playing the piano in his new home alone, with a glass of whiskey besides him. The quality suddenly increases, almost as if the VHS tape is as pristine as a DVD. The camera cuts to Buddy's face, and his face is covered in stress and tiredness.
"I succeeded as a human, but not as an elf. I'll never be a real elf", Buddy mumbled lifelessly. He then walked over to a cabinet and opened it, revealing a handgun. The film suddenly cuts to security camera footage of a sidewalk at night near central park. A suited man is walking, but another man in a hoodie walks up and shoots him multiple times. The man in the hoodie then runs off and escapes with a bicycle. The film then cuts away from the security footage and towards a fish eye lens of Buddy the Elf's face as he's driving the bicycle away into Central Park, revealing that he is in fact the shooter. "I remember how to navigate this", Buddy says as he's bicycling through Central Park.
The film then cuts to headlines about the death of the CEO of Unitedhealth, which was really weird considering this was in 2005. I got weird vibes from the tape, so I tried to smash it with a hammer, but then the tape reassembled itself rapidly. So then I threw it at a tree, and it flew back and hit me. I poured gasoline on the tape at one point and lit it on fire, but the tape refused to burn and it started chanting to me:
"kill....kill...". I then took out a machete and killed my family, and decided to watch the tape over and over again forever. I have yet to escape the wrath of Elf on VHS tape to this day. I do not need nutrients when I have Elf VHS tape. Besides, it's not entirely the same movie every single time. Sometimes, the talking apple doesn't have eyes. Sometimes Buddy the elf doesn't have eyes when I watch it. Other times even, there's an alternate ending of Santa being the man Buddy shot, and there was at least one run where the movie ended mid-way through suddenly with giant Buddy the elf eating the camera. The authorities never caught me because I live in the North Pole now, and cops don't believe in Santa so they never managed to catch me for doing what I had to do to get rid of those distractions...
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