Epic Sex: The Game (XBOX One Edition)

Epilogue

Hello. My name is Ryan. Have any of y'all heard of Epic Sex: The Game? It was this really weird game where its history is practically a mystery. Well, this is my story of a certain version of this game that'll stick with me...forever...

CHAPTER 1 (Buying The Game)

I was at a Babbages, stopping by after I got off of work. I was exploring the area, but nothing caught my attention. It was just the same old sports games and titles I couldn't care less about. I decided to go over to the clearance bin to maybe find something entertainingly bad to play. I keep on digging through it, when I stumble upon something I've never seen before. It was a game for the XBOX One and was titled Epic Sex: The Game. I read the title out loud slowly to myself. Why would someone make a game with the name of Epic Sex: The Game, and somehow have it have a physical release on the XBOX One? I look at the back of the box to see that it's just completely blank, which puzzled me even further. The cover had a, what seemed to be an Asian-American kid with short, black hair and a caucasian kid that had long, brown hair. I looked at the price tag; it was $18.99. That seemed a bit pricey for something in the clearance bin, especially since all the other clearance bin games were $7 max. I headed over to the cashier section, and the dude seemed confused as to what I bought. I told him that I was confused, too, but I wanted to try it out for shits and giggles. He just shrugged it off and scanned it via the price tag. I paid it and I headed back home...

CHAPTER 2 (Booting Up and First Exposure)

I popped the game out of the box, and the disc was completely blank. This added to the ominous nature of this strange game. I boot up my XBOX Series X and I put the disc inside of it. The game boots up instantly and I turn on my controller. The game's menu was basically blank except for the game's logo and an orange background. I click start and it takes me to a cutscene. The story is about how the two kids in the cover art, named Toastie and Egg respectively, accidentally activate a machine that causes a bunch of pop culture characters to be let loose (stuff like Saul Goodman, The Flash, etc.). The cutscene is done in an anime style and the dialogue was very juvenile, with Toastie and Egg talking about what's the best internet comic with a lot of swearing in it. After the cutscene, I get to choose between Toastie and Egg to play as. While Toastie had the more powerful item, Egg had a long range weapon, which was called the "Cum Grenade"...Yeah, this game was very clearly designed to be a joke. I decided to pick Egg because he did have the long range attack. Let's hope he was the better choice...

CHAPTER 3 (First Level)

The game started and was a low-poly platformer. The controls were kind of sluggish and there was always a half second delay with each button. The grenade attack was thrown at an arc, so it was really hard to aim my attacks, but it was still kinda fun to play. Most of the enemies are altered enemies from other video games, such as goombas, the cacodemons, the enemy knights from Skyrim, etc.. I would've shut the game off because there wasn't really much to talk about other than its...low quality humor and gameplay, but something gravitated me to make me play this game more. The game also looked...unfinished. Some textures of the grass are completely missing and are just grey, and there were some enemies that were just blocks. I started to ponder how this game got passed off to Microsoft and they officially put it on the XBOX One when it was clearly incomplete. I then start to wonder...was it even officially licensed? I pause the game and I pick up the box. It did have an ESRB rating of AO (or 18/R in other territories), but there was no official license from Microsoft. There isn't even a studio name on any part of the box! I had to figure out what this game was, no matter how much research I have to do...

CHAPTER 4 (Research)

I went to Google and I searched up Epic Sex: The Game, but it just took me to a bunch of adult game websites...so I put SafeSearch on and searched it again and I started to scroll. I landed on a GameInformer page about the game. According to the website, it was developed by Toaster Studio Games and was published around 2009 or so. The page was very vague and only had a picture of...a Wii version?! There's more versions out there??? I kept on researching and found out that there was officially a Wii and a DS version...but no XBOX One version...weird. I then stumbled upon a 4Chan thread made by what seemed to be someone who worked on the game. It read,

"I was a developer of an obscure game called Epic Sex: The Game. We were tasked to make a DS and Wii version of the game; both of the games were practically the same, only instead of motion controls like the Wii version, it was touchscreen controls for the DS version. I barely knew the main two people behind the project, but I did know some people who knew them. We used to call them Toastie and Egg, and we decided to use their nicknames in the game and base it off of their child selves. The game was completed and released on store shelves in 2009 in the U.S. but it never made it to PAL regions. The game was then taken to another studio so that they could make an HD version of the game for the XBOX 360 and PS3, but that studio was shut down before the HD version was completed. It didn't really matter because the studio shut down after Toastie was found dead and Egg was not in the best of health to be running a game studio on his own."

The main culprit dying? Studio shutdowns? This is really adding to the eerie nature of this game...but there was something eerier...there was a Wii and DS version and a planned XBOX 360 and PS3 version, but no XBOX One version. I did come to one possible conclusion; the game I'm holding is actually a prototype of the XBOX 360 version that was released on an XBOX One disc. I decided...I had to keep playing...

CHAPTER 5 (Return to Game)

I unpaused the game to hopefully find more than what seemed to be there when I first played. I kept on exploring the level...but something seemed off compared to when I first played. Everything got...bigger, and there seemed to be more of the level than I expected. I kept on walking down the level, occasionally attacking an enemy or two. It felt like it was on a constant loop, like there was no end to this level and it constantly brought me back to the beginning. I was like a rat in a maze looking for cheese that wasn't there...but I found something that wasn't there before when I first booted up the game...It was an island! This was an open world game! I do my best to try and find a boat somewhere hidden in the level, but to no avail. However, I found something better! I traversed through the endless stream of this single level and I accidentally glitch through one of the walls of the level. It took me to a dungeon that had a hand glider inside! I ran to it and I equipped the hand glider to my back. I traverse up the mountain found in the middle of the level and I make it to the top of it. I point my camera directly to the other island and activate the hand glider. It took a while to get to that island...but I finally got somewhere different...except...the music suddenly stopped and restarted. I look around the level. It's the same level with different enemy placement. I roll my eyes and I decide to head to bed...

CHAPTER 6 (No More Sleep)

I went to bed as I needed to keep my mind off of this video game...but I kept tossing and turning in my bed, not being able to sleep. My mind kept going back to that game. Its music, its graphics, its gameplay...were calling for me. Before I booted up the game, I decided to do more research about the studio who made the game. I went to Google and searched "Toastie Toaster Studio Games". The only result was an obituary for May Heidi Joseph. They looked like an older version of the caucasian kid on the cover art. However, there was something that caught my eye further. According to the obituary, Toastie (or May) died on March 27, 2006, but the 4Chan page said the studio shut down after Epic Sex: The Game came out...in 2009...I looked absolutely confused as to what was happening. How can someone die after a game came out when they died before the game came out? This was starting to hurt my head. I decided to search up Egg to see what happened to him after the studio shut down. His real name was Leo Marie Emilio and he seems to be running a Filipino restaurant in New Mexico now. At least someone had a good ending in this absolute train wreck of gaming history. I go back to the living room, turn on my XBOX, and I boot up the game again. Luckily, it started right where I left off. I kept on exploring what seemed to be the same island as the first one I was at. I felt like a guinea pig in a maze, trying to find something that could be different! Anything! Anything at all! They just keep on repeating over and over again! I felt like I was just losing my mind over this low-poly platformer! However...when I went inside the cave of the mountain...I found something that wasn't there before. It was a gaping hole in the wall, and it was able to walk into it. I couldn't believe my eyes! Something finally new! I kept on walking through this hole...walking...walking...I started to notice the textures were starting to glitch out, but I kept on walking through this hole. I finally made it to what seemed to be a minecart, but when I hopped into it, it fell silent. I started to roll down this track that the minecart was taking me, and when it stopped, I hopped out into an inverted version of level one of the game...

CHAPTER 7 (Ending One)

The level was inverted and everything had a purple tint to it. The music was melodic yet very disturbing, giving that old VHS creep vibe. Every sound effect was in reverse and every enemy had their colors backwards. The enemies also appeared to be stronger with much more health than the original enemies. I wanted to go back to the minecart and go back to the original level, but when I turned my character around, the hole was completely blocked off, making me stuck in the inverted level. I decided to kill every enemy in sight to see what would happen. It was very difficult, but I was able to pull it off. However, the game goes completely silent when I got done...and then a giant shadow monster formed at the top of the mountain! I tried to throw my grenades to kill the thing, but it was completely immune to explosives. I started panicking and I started to run, but I was stuck on this one island...until I found what seemed to be a glitch. I was walking and running on water. I kept on running away from the monster via the water and I was able to outrun it. I discovered some stone pillars in the middle of the ocean. They all had messages that said things such as "Go back" and "Just leave. The game isn't worth it". I keep on walking, though, because I am very stubborn. I then come across a white void after walking for so long. I jump into the white void and the screen goes black. After about two-ish minutes, I end up back in the laboratory that was present in the first cutscene of the game. The place was tattered and many shards of glass were located onto the ground. I walk around the laboratory, not even being able to jump in this section. I just...walk...and explore. The place is huge and has many rooms. It feels like playing an empty level of a weird knock-off of Silent Hill. Like the first level, it seemed endless with no way out...but I encountered a new room that wasn't there before. I open the door by pressing X. There was just...a switch. I walk up to it and I flick the switch on. The screen goes black again, but then text fades onto the screen. It read "Congratulations! You have beaten the game! Endings 1 / 2"...

CHAPTER 8 (Pondering)

I knew that it was getting very late, so I headed to bed and I went to sleep. I kept on tossing and turning, thinking about this game. It has such a chokehold on me. All I could think about was the game. Why were there messages on the stone pillars? What was the point of the laboratory? What could that second ending be? Everything in my mind was just questions. No answers; just questions. This stupid game was taking over my mind; it was all I could think about! I felt like I was losing my goddamn sanity! I finally fell asleep at 4:34 and I slept only for about 3 hours. I decided to do something about this stupid game. I needed to return it so that I don't have to think about it anymore. I get up, make myself some breakfast, and wait until 11 AM hits so that I can take this game back to the store. I put the game in its packaging and I head to the game store, not even bothering to brush my hair to look good. I walk into the store and I walk up to the cashier. I told the cashier that the game was garbage and I wanted my money back. Obviously, I was lying just so I could get rid of the game as quickly as possible, but the cashier refused to take it back. She said that since it was used, I can't return it. I just stared at her in disbelief for a brief second before taking the game back and leaving the store. I take it back home and I try my best to go through my day without trying to play it...but that stupid cover art was haunting me, practically telling me to play it. At 9 PM, I picked the game up again and put it in my XBOX with one goal...Beat Ending 2...

CHAPTER 9 (Ending 2: Part 1)

I go through the same island again. I grab the glider and I fly to the other identical island and I head to the cave which takes me to the inverted world. However...I'm not going to kill every enemy like I did last time. I'm going to play the level how it is. I keep exploring this inverted world that I stumbled to and I keep on noticing even more glitches. The enemies' textures were flickering in and out like they're both existing and not existing at the same time. The constant flickering was giving me a genuine headache, but I kept on playing. I then stumbled upon something that wasn't there originally. In the mountain found in this inverted world, I spotted a door at the very top! I kept on climbing up this mountain, taking out the occasional enemy. I luckily got to the top easily...or maybe not because then a bunch of enemies spawned from absolutely nowhere! These enemies had so much health and I couldn't kill them! I ended up dying due to being bombarded with enemy fire...but I ended up not spawning on that first island from the beginning of the game...I actually spawned somewhere completely new! It was an abandoned daycare...There was nothing there except a few butterflies painted on the wall and a whiteboard.

I was walking down the daycare when I then saw a yellow glow in the distance found in the main part of the classroom. I walked up to it and it showed what seemed to be a younger May and Leo playing with toy blocks and coming up with video game ideas. Was this...was this a past memory? The dialogue was very innocent and it was clear that they were just kids like we all used to be. It's a shame about what would happen in the future...I decided to walk down some more and I started seeing the spirits of past memories of May and Leo. The next spirit was them as teenagers trying to create their first game and failing. May was very upset that they weren't able to properly make the game, but Leo came in to comfort her. I decided to keep on walking and I discovered a new spirit of May and Leo finally making the game and making their business, Toaster Studio Games...This was all the backstory of everything they went through just to make this studio! I kept on walking when text popped up saying "It wasn't meant to be"...it then teleported me to a car crash and police sirens going off. All I saw of May was her dead body covered in a tarp and Leo was passed out on the ground from the crash...It actually made me kind of sad in a way. These two clearly meant so much to each other, but now, May is gone...I already knew that May died, but something about seeing it unfold was saddening for me...The game then fades to black for a few seconds before fading back to the game. I was now in a black void, walking around aimlessly until a bright light shines over the screen for a brief moment. Then I saw a floating spirit looking directly at me...It was May! She stared at me for a brief moment until she uttered the words in a calm and relaxed tone "Hello Ryan"...

CHAPTER 10 (Ending 2: Part 2)

My eyes were widening in pure shock. How is May here? Why is she here? How does she know my name?! I had a billion questions, and it seemed like May also seemed to know that I was confused as she looked at me, smiled, and nodded her head. She responded back with "I understand you might be confused and afraid, but fear not...I worked on this game for years and I can help you get to ending 2". I look reluctant to do this, but I nod my head slightly, tightening my grip on my controller. May smiles and teleports me back to the first island. I was a little frustrated that she would teleport me back to square one, but I decided to go with it. I started to head to the hang glider to get to the identical island and get to the inverted island. However, May stopped me the second I went to get the hang glider, stating "No! You must stay on this island! It's the only way to truly progress in this to get the second ending!" I looked even more frustrated as I really felt like that the only way to progress was to get to the inverted island...but I decided to follow the orders of May and I kept exploring the island I was on. May kept on giving me cryptic ideas to where I should be going. I asked her why she couldn't just tell me where to go, but she responded with "The only way you can truly beat ending 2 and fulfill yourself is by having very little guidance. The most I can give you are vague hints". I sigh heavily, knowing that May is right but being frustrated with this. I then discover another glitch! Every time I throw a grenade when I'm close to the enemy, it teleports me to a new location of the island, which was hinted at in one of May's words of advice "Your weapon shall take you to places never found before". I decided to try and do this to every enemy I can find, but it only took throwing my grenade at the first enemy that I saw when I first was teleported to the island when I got taken somewhere different...I was teleported to a new realm that looked like a generic fantasy world.

Everything was glowing and everything was bright and colorful. It was a complete whiplash from what I was experiencing before. May came in to say in an excited voice "This is great! This is where we need to be!". My eyes widened in slight excitement as well, being glad we were able to make progress in this game! I decided to walk around this area and I was so happy! There were many people to talk to and many things to interact with, such as dogs to pet...but then...when I turned around...everybody had no eyes anymore and the dogs were gone. When I try to talk to the people, they only say one thing..."Don't even try...You'll suffer...". Even May was terrified of what was going on, stating two words with every emotion all at once "Oh no...". I was panicking, asking May what to do...but there was no answer. May seemed to have gone...It was just me against this creepy world...The forest then became dilapidated and seemingly abandoned. My walking then became slow and very sluggish...Then...the horror happened...a huge monster popped out! It was a fleshy amalgamation of those eyeless civilians! It was humanoid yet had very little human life to it. It had fifteen mouths and an ungodly amount of eyes! I was trying my best to throw my grenades at it, but it just absorbed it all, taking my attacks in like it was nothing! It then kept on hitting me in game! However, every time I got hit in-game, I felt physically weak with every blow being hit in my in-game character. It got so bad to the point where I dropped my controller to the ground...I couldn't do it...but I was determined...I picked up my controller and kept on pushing myself to keep playing. I was fighting it to the best of my ability, but it was getting too much...I collapsed to the ground, feeling the game taking over my body...but then, I heard a familiar voice..."Ryan! Ryan!" I looked up...It was May! She came back! She looked at me with determination "I won't let you get hurt! Just try your best to get up! Get back on the couch, grab the controller...I'll help you...".

I start slowly getting up and I pick up the controller and I sit back onto the couch. I sit back down and I start trying to throw the grenades...I then hit one of the mouths and it seemed to hurt the creature! I started to throw grenades at the other mouths, but then...the monster hit me in-game so hard that it actively knocked me down on my couch in real life...Blood was starting to form on my face, but I kept on playing...I was getting too weak. I couldn't do this...then...May, with the only strength she had left, used her ghost powers to beam energy at the monster...She was giving it her all and she was clearly going to fully perish from this...but she kept on doing it...She looked back at me with a slight smile, and she said two words to me one last time..."Goodbye, Ryan". She then fully used all of her powers and wiped out the monster, killing her in the process and making me pass out...When I woke up, it was morning and the game was still on. I was now in a peaceful field and was sitting down beside a tree, watching the sunset. Then a piece of text pops up, saying "Congratulations! You have beaten the game to its fullest potential! Endings 2 / 2"...

Epilogue

Well...I have beaten the game...I feel like something finally made sense to me. It wasn't just a game, it was an experience I will never forget for the rest of time. I wanted to tell people about it! I wanted to give my thanks to the creators...but since May is now permanently dead, there was only one person left to talk to. I tried interviewing Leo, but he wasn't there in the head, constantly calling himself "Walter Southeast-Asian Brown" or whatever...but either way, this was so...I don't even know if I could put it into words at this point. It was great. Will I ever play this game again? Only time will tell. For now, I'm just glad that I was able to beat one of the most intriguing games ever made...

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