Every Copy of Mario 64 is NOT Personalized
A fictional joke story written by DaveTheUseless
Okay, there's some pretty strange rumors going around lately, and I'm gonna put 'em all to rest right now. My name? My name is, uh... Anonymous. Just kidding. My name is Shigeru Miyamoto, and I hear that people have been talking about me lately, saying 'Oh, Shigeru Miyamoto is actually some sort of crazy demon who personalized every copy of a video game to scare you, and a lot people didn't discover it until 2020 even though the game came out in the mid-90s'. Well, let me tell you something, son... if I may call you 'son', or perhaps if you want respect, I'll call you 'san'...
I first encountered a copy of Mario 64 that I didn't own (as, you know, a producer for Nintendo) at a yard sale. I was at a yard sale in the United States of America in the small town of Gainesville Junior, Florida. I asked if there was a public bathroom and there was, so I went inside the house and used the bathroom, and I thought the bathroom was kind of clean but I noticed a tile was out of place. After staring at the bathroom tiles, I noticed there was a message backwards in katakana, and that message said: 'We are onto you, Shigeru-san'.
I was so scared. A shiver went down my arm, for some reason. I went ahead and I started screaming and I ran out of the house. "Aaaaahhhhhhhhhhooooooooooooo!!!!!", I yelled. My mouth got really, really big, kind of like how it does in anime, 'cause I was scared. After calming down, I purchased a copy of Super Mario 64 that was at the yard sale.
I noticed something was different, however. Instead of Mario on the sticker (I didn't buy it with a box, because they didn't have the box for the game... shut up... just shut up. I'm talking, OK? Just shut up. Let me tell the story the way it happened in real life, alright? Alright? Alright? OK? Alright)... yeah, so there was no sticker with Mario on it: instead, it was another one of my creations. Wario! But he was... opaque, kind of, sort of, opposite opacity. He was nearly invisible! Like he was a ghost.
At that point I was scared, because I'm afraid of ghosts, but I decided to take the game and take it home to me—to the hotel room that I'd been temporarily staying in in Gainesville Junior while working on my Visa getting back to Japan.
I plugged it into the hotel Nintendo 64... and let me tell you, my life has not been the same since. The usual Mario 64 'Ello!' popped up, and I played with Mario's face. Oh, how exciting. It's like playing with a chemistry lab when you're a nerd in high school with an ant collection, and some bully goes to pick on you and you go 'Please don't step on my ant collection!', but you wouldn't know anything about that, would you? No: you're not a nerd.
Anyway, I put in the game, had some fun, went ahead and threw King Bob-Omb off the top of the field, and then it occurred to me... man, in hindsight, I should have allowed that. I should have allowed the player to throw off the King Bob-Omb, and have that be a way of winning the boss battle. Anyway, that's not important anymore. It's two thousand and twenty and whatever I did as a game designer in the 90s... just, just be happy... OK, punk? OK, kid? Alright, little man, you and your skateboard and your LeBron James Sprite Remix Slurpee? Going to the White House, protesting the fact that Cheeto cheese curls are out at your local 7-11, which makes no sense because if they're out you can just go to another 7-11? You traveled all the way to Washington DC just to protest the lack of a powder puffed cheese food product. Meoooohhh...
Alright, so I kept playing. I did that thing where you're inside of Peach's castle and you stare up into the sky and it takes you to a level. Well, that's when I realized that something was not quite right. Nosir. Instead of taking you to that happy sky place, there was a giant moon with an angry face on it.
A chill went down my other arm. I was scared. What was this? Was this an allusion to another game of mine: Majora's Mask? Yes, it was... but why was this in a Super Mario 64 game? Cartridge? ... Punk? That had Wario on it. What the hell.
'The moon will crash within three days. In real life. Unless you do exactly what I tell you to do...', a text box said. Super Mario looked scared. He was literally crying. Either that or water was coincidentally pouring out of his eye sockets. Water was pouring out of my eye sockets too, because I was scared and I was crying. I'm man enough to admit it. It can be hard sometimes for a grown man to admit he's scared and that he cries sometimes, but maybe you should... maybe you should be more of a man and just admit those things instead of judging me.
Well, I didn't know what to do. I started asking the moon questions in real life. Yes, that's right: I was talking to my hotel room Nintendo 64. "Is everything OK in there?", the bellboy, Jimmy Boy, yelled through my door. "Yes! Fine! Now... get me another hot towel!", I said to distract him, not realizing that that meant he was going to come open the door and see what was going on on screen.
Well, I couldn't have this! I got up, and I went to turn off the TV... but the power button didn't work. In fact, I felt as if it was zapping me.
You know what was strange? I suddenly felt slightly greedier. Oh, no! That must be... the Wario apparition! The greed... greed is the defining character trait of popular Nintendo anti-hero icon Super Wario!
Oh, no... I was afraid of what I might become. I've never been a greedy person in my entire life. I've always been all about the games. The bellboy tried to open the door, but I jumped on the side of the door to try to prevent him from getting inside and seeing what was going on on screen. "What is the meaning of this!", Jimbo said.
"Ah, ah... I'm wearing... I'm wearing Hawaiian shorts with hearts on them, and a Luau thing... you know, when you go spin the pig around and all that. I... I brought the pig home with me, and the pig's in my arms right now, and it might look kinda weird if you see me in a hola skirt, and a pig while it's... pig... chemicals from its body are decorating my shirt in a very awkward way.", I mumbled.
Jimbo didn't give a shit. He knocked down the door! "Where's the pig", Jimbo said. "I haven't eaten in two hours!". "Ah... I'm sorry Jimbo, I lied.", I said. I... thought that Jimbo's face was in response to his feelings being hurt by my lie, but no: his eyes bulged unlike any I've ever seen on a man's face before. "Listen, Jimbo, I'm sorry for lying", I said. But no... that's not what he was afraid of.
I turned around, and I stared at the screen. And I saw the most realistic thing I have ever seen in my entire life outside of reality itself.
The moon... that was the most amazing 3D effect I'd ever seen. In fact, I used it for Breath of the Wild: Legend of Zelda for Nintendo Switch. Plug, plug. Buy my game! I couldn't believe it. I learned from it, because it was so good and I couldn't believe how good it was.
But it was flippin' scary, let me tell you that! Nintendo 64—although I'm quite proud of the Nintendo 64 system, we weren't that good yet. "What the fuck is this!", Jimbo said.
Well, I knew what I had to do. I took Jimbo, and I clocked him right aside the head and I knocked him out and I threw him in the closet. I couldn't let him see what was going on in the Nintendo game. Not when it was a giant moon threatening to destroy the entire planet.
I sat down on the bed and scratched the back of my head for about five and a half minutes. George Jetson. What the hell was I going to do now? Did I... go back to the yard sale and return this copy, and let them know what I saw? Yeah, that was exactly it. I turned off the game, and I drove back to the yard sale. It was no longer an active yard sale, and the lights were off and it was 3AM, but it didn't because this was more important. This was too important for that. I knocked on the door, and I woke them up.
"Come in!", I heard an old lady—man, I couldn't tell—shriek. I opened the door because, hey, I don't know, maybe that's some sort of American custom... and I shrieked in horror at what I saw.
An old man, an old woman... and another old man, and another old woman... were all naked, sitting in a circle. "Oh, we were just playing Ouija!", one of them said. "Um... I think I'll leave", I announced. "Nonsense! Sit down, have a cup of tea!". Um... yeah, so I would've had the cup of tea, if it wasn't for the fact that one of the old men had stuck his junk inside of it. I really wanted to leave at that point.
"Well... I think you should know something, before you go.", the old lady said. Before... I could turn around and exit the door, I stared at the Ouija board. I stared at the characters. At first, I didn't know what they were getting at. But then it all made sense. "The Spirit. The Ghost. Moved us.", one of the old ladies said. "Moved us, and summoned an evil curse... the moon is going to crash in three days, unless we give it exactly what it tells us." "Moons can't talk", I said. "And that makes no sense, and I don't believe in curses. And by the way... if the moon started falling, all the tides would get all screwed up, and we'd all die, and there'd be all sorts of magnetic issues." "SHUT UP!", the old lady said. But I wasn't going to argue 'shut up' with an old lady who talked about the moon obliterating planet Earth. Maybe that's how the dinosaurs died, for all I knew. (I'm a pretty big fan of Yoshi. I wouldn't want to see him get hurt.)
"Alright! Alright, that's it. There's something seriously wrong here, and I'm calling the police." "You can't call the police", the old man said—or one of them, anyway. "And why not?", I barked back. "It's 3AM! Business hours are closed." "Well, shit.", I said. I stared at the Ouija board. "Mind if... I play?". "Sure! Come on in! We don't mind!".
So, we put our hand on that little piece that moves around the board. We had a little fun. I went ahead and actually drank the tea, and it tasted like normal tea other than the hair I found in it. Let's not talk about that right now.
I... nearly spilled the tea when I saw what was spelled out this time. The Ouija board said...
"EVERY COPY OF MARIO 64 IS PERSONALIZED"
There.
I lied.
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Credited to DaveTheUseless
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