Evil The Legend of Zelda

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The hyper-realistic cartridge

So I'm a big Zelda fan, and I have lots of nostalgia with it. So I decided to search for a copy on eBay. When I searched "the legend of zelda nes" I only found one game. It was a gray cartridge, and had a paper label. In ketchup, or blood, the label said "ZELDA ONE".

So I bought it.

The price was $6.66. I thought that was a little odd, how it was so cheap and all. When the mailman came to my house the next week, and he gave me the game. I eagerly ran back inside to play the game. I also expected the mailman to leave, but he didn't. He just stood there, watching me. I just ignored it and plugged the game in. But when it started up, it was all glitchy. Then I realized that I put it in an N64. So I got out my Nintendo NES and hooked it up and started the game.

The game acted normally until I got to the 1st dungeon boss. When I beat it, the room was covered in ketchup. When I went into the room where the Triforce usually is, instead it was the dragons heart. Then, when I went to collect it, Link started eating it! There was one thing I had to say after that: "Hey, it's a glitch. Happens all the time." So I reset the console only to find that when I hit it, the screen changed.

It was an 8-bit cutscene of me committing suicide. I figured this had to be a crude joke from the developers of the game. But I was terrified, and as a result, got out an axe and chopped my game and console to bits. But the game was fine. Then I opened the game, only to find a blue and white ball being shot out of it. I ran to my door to get out of this hell, only to find it was locked. Then I heard some demonic laughter. I turned around to see what it was.

It was the mailman.

The mailman's presence made me shit my pants. Hi face started deforming. It was distorting until he turned into the devil. He then said "fight me fucker". So I ran up and ripped his teeth out and stabbed him with them. Then he said "you've killed me!" And being the Zelda fan I am, I knew what to say: "good!" So then I went to heaven and God thanked me for killing the devil by cleaning my panties and sending me home.

I then decided that I hated video games and I never played them again. And that's how I became the president of the United States. I try to tell my wife, Michelle, about it. But she didn't believe me :( . But every night, when I'm lying in bed, I feel a... Mailmanny presence. But when I look around, nothing is there.

I'm Barack Obama, and I approve this message.

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