FIFA 22: The Stupidest DLC Ever
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You don't need to give a fuck about who I am. In fact, the only thing I give a fuck about is what happened at EA. This story is actually real, and no, it's not fake, you dumbfucks.
It happened in 2022. I was an intern at EA at the time, and my job was to playtest the FIFA games to see if there were any bugs, and tell the bug fixing team to fix them. My job was actually going well...
...until February 1, 2022, all of that changed. I told Andrew Wilson that there are pay-to-win microtransactions in an already full-priced game. That's when everything got ugly between me and Andrew. I told him to remove the pay-to-win microtransactions, and he said, "YOU WANT ME TO REMOVE THE PAY-TO-WIN MICROTRANSACTIONS?! THE ONE MAJOR SOURCE OF MONEY THAT WE NEED?! YOU KNOW WHAT, ASSHOLE?! YOU CAN GO FUCK YOURSELF, YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT! YOU'RE FIRED! GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY SIGHT!" I then replied furiously with, "YEAH, YOU CAN GO FUCK YOURSELF TOO, YOU GREEDY BASTARD!" Fuck Andrew. He was the one shoving in pay-to-win microtransactions in already full-priced games like a fucking asshole.
Furiously, I walked back home, and played Call of Duty on my PC for SIX FUCKING HOURS. After six hours of that shit, I got an email notification from Andrew Wilson. "That greedy bastard again?", I said while clicking the notification. The email said the following:
"Hey, asshole,
You know, I shouldn't have hired you as a bug tester. I should've just left you with no job so that you can go broke. Here's a fucking DLC code for FIFA 22. You bitch. Fuck you.
From, Andrew Wilson
Because the greedy bastard says so."
Attached to the email was a DLC code. The DLC code was private, so I'm not going to tell you it.
I went onto my Xbox Series X, went to the Microsoft Store, typed in the DLC code, redeemed it, and waited for the DLC to download. Let's see what that fucker Andrew has to offer.
Unsurprisingly, FIFA 22 started out normally. Notice the "un" in surprisingly, because I was expecting the game to start out normally. When I looked in Kick-Off, I saw that it has five new modes: "Dumbass", "Fuck Off", "Go Fuck Yourself", "Want To Rip Your Toenails Off?", and "This Fucking Mode". I decided to try out "Dumbass" first.
In "Dumbass" mode, the players all act like complete dumbasses, which lead me to realize that the name of the mode wasn't fucking around, the players really are dumbasses.
"Fuck Off" and "Go Fuck Yourself" both have the same gameplay: The announcers saying "Fuck Off" and "Go Fuck Yourself" every time a goal was scored.
"Want To Rip Your Toenails Off?" is the FUCKING GORIEST MODE I HAVE EVER PLAYED. The players RIP EACH OTHER'S FUCKING TOENAILS OFF EVERY TIME A GOAL WAS SCORED. I paused the game and went into the toilet to vomit.
"This Fucking Mode" is the FUCKING NASTIEST MODE I HAVE EVER PLAYED. IT'S EVEN NASTIER THAN THE "WANT TO RIP YOUR TOENAILS OFF?" MODE. The players BUTTFUCK EACH OTHER AND TWO OF THEM RUB THEIR DICK TO GET THEM TO EJACULATE. The name of this mode wasn't fucking around, this mode really is full of fucking. (Get it? Because the players buttfuck each other. Alright, enough pornography jokes.)
I turned off the game after trying the last mode, and I was sickened to my fucking stomach after what I just played.
Oh, Andrew. YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT!!! WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING WHEN YOU SENT THAT FUCKING DLC CODE TO ME?!?! ARE YOU FUCKING AROUND WITH ME?!?!?! BECAUSE THIS IS NOT FUCKING FUNNY!!!!!!!!!!
Bottom line, Andrew, fuck you. Kiss my ass.
I'm ending this fucking story. Again, fuck Andrew. Fuck him in the ass.
Now to make a Trollpasta about American nationalism.
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