FRIENDS: Cancelled Episode

TRANSCRIPT:

(INT. - MONICA'S APARTMENT)

(Ross and Rachel enter holding a bag of hot coffee between their stomachs.)

Ross: "Just admit it, you kissed that barracuda. Just admit it!"

Rachel: "What I do with Chandler's dad is none of your business."

Chandler: "Umm, the last time I heard that phrase, my mother donated six million bucks to Halloween. So yeahhh... I'm Chandler."

(Ross laughs hysterically at a picture of the female reproductive system, then leaves the kitchen. Chandler does a fake sound of triumph.)

(OPENING CREDITS - The theme song erupts. The friends enter the water, flicking each other until Ross becomes sad and Joey becomes Ross. An umbrella opens and it is time for the umbrella dance. Joey looks satisfied and this is good. The friends: they all look awkward. So what? The friends all hug each other on an outside couch.)

(TITLE CARD - THE ONE WITH THE CHIMNEY SHOES)

(INT. - MONICA'S APARTMENT)

(Chandler dances into the apartment, breaking everything. Monica starts screaming incoherently from her bedroom. She opens the door and tries to imitate Chandler, who instantly becomes depressed.)

Chandler: "Fine, I'm sorry! Chandler's dance is over."

(Chandler exits and the audience is shocked.)

Monica: "Okay well, the couch is a little torn. I can still act normal because I, Monica Geller, am not insane."

(Monica gives the couch a dead eyed look and it instantly falls apart. Joey has been there the whole time, pretending to pretend to stir a bowl.)

Joey: "Hey, now we have to stand up! I hate standing up!"

(Phoebe, who's in a fake dog, enters from its head)

Phoebe: "Hey you guys! Wanna come to the hospital with me for a little weird thing I'm gonna do there?"

Monica: "I have to baste a few things and then do this whole thing where I can't believe you did something stupid."

Joey: "I can't either, I've got an audition for the part of Electric Francisco. How do my lips look?"

(Chandler enters again to be the king of heckles)

Chandler: "Do you want my joke about your lips? Because I have one."

Phoebe: "Good luck with your stupid name, Chandler!"

(Water breaks through the window and rushes into the Friends Room. Joey looks fluttered)

Joey: "I guess Chet the God of Moisture thinks I'm hot... Okay!"

(INT. - LARGE APARTMENT BEDROOM)

(We are in laughter as Rachel puts on her bone cream. Monica and Phoebe stand in the shower eating a spoonful of breath cake.)

Rachel: "You know what? Onion means love to me. It smells like every guy I wanna marry. Is that weird?'

Monica: "Onion marriage? That's so vividly not okay. I just want some chimney shoes."

Phoebe: "I don't want a sexy guy, I just want a guy who likes knitting."

Rachel: "Didn't No-Ears Mark like to do that?"

Phoebe: "I just want a guy who likes knitting and has at least one ear."

Monica: "Didn't One-Ear Tyler like-"

Phoebe: "God damn you all! Stop bragging!"

(INT. - JOEY'S AUDITION - DAY)

(Joey is auditioning for the part. He starts laying cigs on a slice of toast.)

Joey: "Oh yeah, smokey sandwiches."

(Joey starts crying in Spanish.)

Joey: "No no no no no no."

(Joey realizes he is confused by the sound he is making.)

Joey: "I made a stupid mistake."

(The acting people loudly mock Joey with their eyes. Chandler bursts into the studio, laughing about all the pesto he just ate.)

Chandler: "Yeah, I find the vending machine attractive, so what?"

(INT. - MONICA'S APARTMENT - EVENING)

(Ross enters the doorway, slipping on Christmas wrapping. The friends point at his feet and gasp. Ross looks proudly at the friends and puts on sunglasses.)

Ross: "You can call me Mr. Emotions from now on."

(The friends scream and cheer, except for Monica, who is hiding under the big box in the corner.)

Monica: (from inside the box) "I just cleaned Ross with a plastic brush! How did he get so much more slutty?"

(Monica has a breakdown again and small Ross laughs hysterically from outside the box. Chandler slides into the room on his belly.)

Chandler: "Could I be more snakes?"

(INT. - HOSPITAL - DAY)

(Phoebe and Ross are holding a large tank of bandages while the doctors look on, shyly impressed.)

Phoebe: "Oh, this will be the best gift! My new pet fox has his birthday today, yay!"

Ross: "When did you buy a vicious animal?"

Phoebe: "Wow, that's a rude thing to say about a birthday boy."

(Ross gets the saddest we've ever seen Ross.)

Ross: "I overslept and now the museum is going to punish me by making me lonely!"

(Phoebe and Ross look at the TV in the hospital waiting room. Chandler and Joey appear on screen.)

Chandler: "Guys! It's me! Hey!"

Ross: "You want some kind of trophy, Wango?"

Joey: "You got mean, Ross."

Chandler: "Yeah, you're not a friend anymore."

(Ross screams in pain as he fades into nothing.)

(INT. - CENTRAL PARK - NIGHT)

(Phoebe's the one to watch here with her cordless guitar. The friends watch and the room of angry people watch as Phoebe is the song woman.)

Phoebe: (Singing) "Tunnel boy, tunnel boy, my healthy boy in the dark. My tunnel boy is at it again: he's never been to the park. La la la la, tunnel man..."

(Gunther looks scared of Phoebe's song because the friends know it's about him. Joey gets up and hurries off to watch a woman kissing a bag of quarters. The woman groans at Joey, laughing at his stupidity. Rachel is clearly wearing a shirt that says "BULB QUEEN".)

Phoebe: "Both Rachel and I have appointments to get our money stolen. Ooh, bragging is fun!"

Rachel: "Pheebs, I don't have the time for this. My new boyfriend Wedding Greg is going to the beach and I need to give him a bottle of soda to throw at the birds."

(Monica exits, expertly waking up all the babies in the coffee shop. Joey returns to the couch, feeling like the worst Joey.)

Joey: "Story of my life: everyone is a jerk and is busy gossiping about babysitters."

(Monica runs back in so fast that the window breaks and water rushes into the coffee shop. Joey winks at the water knowingly and gives a sexy nod.)

Monica: "Oh my goodness... I found out... I... I got my own chimney shoes!"

(Rachel gets angry inside thinking about the shoes, but instead starts proudly clapping. The friends all start laughing at the idea of a cabinet full of romantic Russian folders.)

(ENDING CREDITS)

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