Family Guy is a Lie
This is a fictional joke story written by Schizima for laughs. Don't take it seriously.
I've been losing my mind since the mid-90's when everything was simpler and Bill Clinton was the tops. Boy, I'll tell you what if I wasn't a motherfucker back then I don't know who is now. Been watching me some television lately, and it ain't the kinda tv I'm used to. My mind's been dissolving for a while now, being a fan of Fox animated television Sundays I held my breath love that Sunday football. Coca Cola and pop tarts, I'm a real American. Was washing dishes in the kitchen when I heard that a new episode of the Family Guy was coming on. My kids never call me, but I used to watch it with them. These days seem to melt together like fried cheese sandwiches made from that government head block. On Halloween the kids would knock on my door, crazy old Mr. 'Mire and I knew what they were thinking but it's not true.
It's hard to remember things when you get older. Like your mind's a slate and you can only chisel so many words on it before you have to write over the others. Well what's it matter then. TV went black when I tried to put it on, maybe the tv was broke. One of them old cathode ray picture tubes, you could hear the aliens singing through moonshine on a late night, when the boards on the windows were boarded up and everyone was everywhere at once. But not me, I was fast asleep in my bed humming like a Ford pickup run by some goddamn Mexicans watching Mind of Mencia reruns.
Well shave my nuts and call me baldy this tv was broke. I threw that piece of shit on the lawn and went for a late night drive. Family used to go to Blockbuster, but they shut that down. Goddamn Chinese taking our labor, and all we get back is some fortune cookies with some lottery numbers that win you jack shit. Made my way to the Bockfuckster as it was now called, fucking piece of shit was boarded up. Shit, fuck, piss and dick was I disheveled. Fucking graffiti pieces of shit ruining my beautiful country. Fucking young people at the edge of the quicksand. I saw them VHS tapes in there, all hundred thousand of 'em. Lost empire of the exchanged clothes and stained ottoman Salvation Army migrators. You know, them pricks who can buy dirty laundry for two bucks and sit in their old filth. God I wish I was one of them.
Fucking kicked the door down and rooted the place for something to watch. Can't see in the dark, grabbed a tape and kicked it. Motherfucker said "Family Jerk" and I had a picture of the family guys on the cover. Could've watched it with a kid I had if I had one, could've acted like I made it to that next stage in life. Couldn't get a spark on my 1980's Volvo left that piece of shit 'cos the insurance cost more than the car. Walked it for a while like some drifter in the dark, getting my head straightened out for the first time in years. When I got home that piece of shit wouldn't play. I just saw a home movie of me and my family but they died a long time ago. Picture was all fucked up. Guess My VHS was hacked like the computer kids say.
Hard to remember 'cos I have kind of an amnesia. But I just left the house then, walked up the block to Mcdonald's and saw an Irish man serving fries. I knew that guy, that was Peter Griffin. Or what was left of him, looked like someone had stabbed him and he had a hand amputated. He stumbled over to the fryer and asked me if I wanted to try a MicRib. Asked that brother if it was real rib and his eyes just grew real wide. We talked for a bit and I asked him how he got out of the tv and he said "Everyone gets out eventually" and he smiled. Had some blood fluid drippin' out my ear and he napkinned it up. Piled a huge stash of fries and we sat down. I asked him how I could get out 'cos I wanted to see the show we were watching. He said you could never see 'cos someone's always been watching you like a guardian angel but not with your best interest in mind. I asked him like a devil and he shrugged real sad like and told me that the real devil was a lot worse than the one we grew up with in the bible. Ain't like a fallen angel but its own scabby thing, horrifying, will take your tongue if you curse him and give it to a murderer or a banker if you cross him. Makes sense with all the crime and punishment in the world, lord knows I always wondered why black is white and especially when you're asleep. Peter coughed and a branch fell out his ear, he said he was growing a bird's nest in his beard and I laughed something rough. Said we could go down to Quahog, there was a little festival where he and his friend wore hoods and burned stuff real fun like. We giggity I said I was sorry for missing out on so much, it's not like I could ever go back and he knew what it was.
It ain't about me or us anyway, he told me Stewart had drafted the army and was holed up somewhere killing tauntaun's or some shit. Know we used to joke back in the day about him being super smart but look at him now, drop D student and you know them hipsters fucking ruin everything. We started eating some burgers but the reception was weak, told me Lois had died a few years back, he saw the grim reaper come for real and it wasn't like in the pictures no sir. No robe or skeleton but he sure could fill a room with silence. Wasn't too clear on how she died made me concerned, paced a bit around the Mcdonald's and I showed him the VHS, home movies from childhood and he said he'd been taping over some more. Asked him 'bout that portal we unearthed back in the day, he was too afraid to go through but not anymore I guess. You lose pieces of yourself out here, by now he knew that.
Y' know if I wasn't such a sex fiend I might've really had kids, at least I think I didn't. Peter said "Do you remember that time we went to the strip club" and it sent me back, but I didn't want to go back so I grabbed him. We started to make a few more drawings and Peter grabbed my arm as I started to give the man in the background horns. Peter lifted his shirt to show some serious lascerations on his neck and arms. The cuts ran a lot deeper than what I saw on the show.
Something was happening in the background and I knew it was time to go. Peter told me that he had to eliminate all the loose ends about that day. That was what he got sent back for. Maybe I am insane, I don't know. Whatever it was it fucked me up real bad. I asked him where the portal was where he got out and he told me that he broke the fucking thing, nobody could go back and why would you want to, this real lucid reality was much better. Told him I've been here twenty years and all the real bleeding and gravity was hurting me something terrible. He let me into his car and asked me about the time we went to Mcdonald's. Told him it was just now, but he said no years ago, told him there was no Quahog Mcdonald's, well he says whatever it was. "Excuse me ladies and gentlemen, testicles. That is all." Not sure what that was, I wasn't even in that scene. He drove me in his little corvette to the bank of the river. I asked him if that was the portal back to Quahog he said it was broke, he was just gonna show me.
He had broke it I guess, and I could never remember where it was. Take a tire iron to it 'fore some loose squirrels enter and muddy up the Sunday Night Football with their reception. When I came back sure, I enjoyed real sex but now the women are old and I want to be a figment like before. Remember when we never aged? Remember? Motherfucker told me that we're going down to the bank. He takes me to the river and pulls a knife. I got stabbed right in the chest, right in the heart and guts. Saw my own blood spilling into the river as I struggled back to "mommy" phase before breaking completely into the everything. "It's nothing personal, Quagmire." He said, and pushed me over, with his little Irish sneer. His eyes were all red by the light and I could see the pale of them, right through to our little cartoon sketches and fuck if anyone ever fed me lines. I guess this is what it's like to cut to commercial in real life. Woke up in the hospital and they sewed me shut with some pieces of fish I could guess, since everything tasted like ocean after that. I gained scar but I lost a friend, and yeah back in the day with Megan but she was 17 and I'm sure he knew, but now I'm real sick like. I've posted this on the internet and I remember when I was just a line. If you know the portal to the 4D and 5D world, we have to hide it because Peter will smash it when he gets through. I just know that's how he is, not like the show at all, real vengeful, abusive, drunk and even racist a bit. Even my worst dreams in that world were better than this, and who knows what I'll wake up as tomorrow. Saw the door open as nothing entered and I felt a bit colder and remembered about what Peter had said.
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