Goosebumps Soap Was a Mistake
Wet squelching from the grocery store aisle to the left of me.
I couldn't place the noise but the smell was absolute dog shit.
Literally, like dog shit.
I couldn't risk getting that on my bandages, after a recent plastic surgery operation.
You ever look in the mirror and realize you look like a certain fucking italian plumber? Well I did. That was a bad time.
My friend Todd was talking about something but I couldn't hear him through the thick wad of bandages on my right ear.
As always, Todd's feet almost slapped me in the face with a certain stench of their own. The brown sandals managing to stay constantly drenched in some weird greasy shit. If you ever had McDonalds and seen that ooze that came off of your french fries, that was pretty much the smell of Todd's feet. Every. Single. Day.
He works at McDonalds.
And that was distinctly not what I was smelling from the next aisle.
I was really hoping it wasn't a dog. Some dumb asshole had let their dog into the grocery store and I was going to have to clean up the mess.
I was really, really, disappointed to hear glass jars hitting the floor.
"Joey, uhh... So these freezer racks? Fuck them."
I looked over, and Todd had his arm stuck on one of the top shelf racks. He had knocked over all the other boxes of various frozen treats, trying to get the last box of a very specific brand Ice Cream sandwich that he insisted was the best.
Like Polar Bear or something. Fuck, I can't remember. I don't even like ice cream.
"God, can you not make even more of a mess? I already have this dog to deal with."
As I was about to walk over to Todd and deal with his shit. an old fishermen walked up to me. "Excuse me sir, can you help me with-" He broke out into a coughing fit.
He was drenched in salt-water and smelled like piss. You know what, maybe it was piss... Along the outside of his coat were chunks of thick white, slimy pieces of what I could only assume was fish. It looked half digested and gelatinous and absolutely fucking digusting.
"Were you swallowed by a whale? Christ, man." Todd had managed to get himself unstuck, ice cream sandwiches clutched like a newborn child.
I took a step back, not wanting to get some kind of infection. Particularly in the facial area.
More glass jars smashed in the next aisle.
"Sorry, sir can you please help me? I can't reach the pickles."
"Of course, sorry sir. Forgive my friend here, you don't look like you were swallowed by a whale at all."
A little white lie, since you generally don't want to insult your customers.
I walked him over to the chips and condiments aisle, before freezing at the turn. The aisle to the left. Fuck.
"Sorry, can you just wait here a minute? I'll be back with your pickles."
I took a deep breath, and walked into the aisle. The dog was coming out one way or another.
Except it wasn't a dog.
It was a blob of brown and green and glass and garbage.
If joey's smell was like a slap, this thing was a gut punch.
What smelled like dog shit from 30 feet away smelled like a burning trash can at this distance.
There was crunching and strained gurgling as it continued to pull more glass jars of mustard, pickles, olives, and whatever else it could off the shelf. Smashing them and rolling its fat disgusting mass over the jars.
As it slid across the ground, it picked up all of the dirt and grime and glass it rolled over. Growing exponentially larger by the second, far more than the paper thin layer of dirt on the floor would have allowed for.
"Hey!"
Why? Why did I yell at it?
"Hey, get out of my store asshole!"
"Joey, what's u- OH FUCK."
It slowly turned around to face us.
It was R.L. Stine's head. With a giant "GOOSEBUMPS" branded onto his forehead.
"Oh my god. Joey, look. It's R.L. Stink."
R.L. Stink charged at us at full speed, leaving a squeaky clean floor in its path.
We both jumped to the side, and Stink crashed into a pyramid of cans I had spent the entire morning building.
"Okay, cunt. So you wanna do things the hard way, huh?"
I wasn't sure what to do about this ungodly abomination. How do you get rid of a giant sentient trash blob?
'Shit. Uh... Todd! Start a fire!"
"Look I'm all for fires but I'm pretty sure that'll melt my ice cream Joey. Also I don't like dying."
"We just need to turn on the sprinklers. Hold a match up to it or something."
"I don't know about that, Joey. I still-" R.L. Stank rammed into Todd at full speed, sending him flying across the store. And absorbing his ice cream.
"NO! YOU BASTARD!"
Todd pulled matches out of his pocket, and one of his sandals off his feet. He lit the sandal on fire and threw it at the stink blob.
It proceeded to catch fire.
It did not proceed to die.
The now flaming R.L. Stink charged at Todd again.
"The sprinklers, Todd!"
Todd tossed a second flaming sandal up at the sprinklers.
Water came cascading down, extinguishing the giant garbage head and slowly melting it.
It ran out of the building, a silent scream plastered on its face.
Joey gave a moment of silence for his cream.
I walked down the aisle, and grabbed the last remaining jar of pickles off the top shelf. "Here you go sir, on the house."
"But I don't- I don't like sweet pickles."
I dropped the jar.
At least I didn't have to mop.
...
Update:
So I found a missing persons poster as I was about to post this.
"Missing: R.L. Stine."
"Last seen ten days ago."
"Was supposed to give a presentation on Goosebumps branded soap."
Fucking weird, huh?
Credited to dogman_35
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