Greatness From Small Beginnings (Bear In The Big Blue House Lost Episode)
I cannot stand rats. They're nasty little vermin's who do nothing but ruin a perfectly good attic. To be honest with you, I never really had a problem with rats until just recently. You see my house has recently become infested with rats. There's a huge den of them all living in my attic. All through the night you can hear them crawling around the attic as they try to dig holes so that more of their mates can come in to party.
I also hate rats because quite frankly I think they're absolutely terrifying. Everyone has their phobias and mine would have to be rats. They don't look right. They look like they came right from the fiery depths of Hell's Kitchen. No one likes rats not even Henry Tomasino likes them. Now that just shows you how hated they are doesn't it reader?
My rat problem is so bad that my wife refuses to live with me until I get rid of them. So while I'm busy trying to find an exterminator who can help with this infestation, my wife is busy on holiday in Spain with her co-worker and totally not her lover Charles.
My wife works in accounting with Charles serving as the head accountant of her company. I meanwhile work as the chairman for a sugar company in Hartley Dale. My company monitors the sugar standards in exported confectionary, and other sugary type things that you couldn't possibly understand so I won't bother explaining it to you.
It's her fault that the rats showed up in the first place. You see she puts fully cooked meals up in the attic so that she can feed the hornets who also occupy the attic in a massive nest. My wife is obsessed with hornets which makes me angry. She also dresses up in a horrifying wasp Halloween costume whenever we go out to eat. It's so embarrassing! Makes me wanna vomit out my insides. Now moving on from my wife's weird habits, I've actually tried my best to find an exterminator but cannot find anyone who is willingly to go up there. Okay I'm actually lying. The real reason is that I am incredibly cheap like some kind of Mr Krabs; and thus refuse to pay an exterminator as they demand to be paid like $1000 every hour on the hour. I was planning on saving my money up so I can buy the local vegan house ran by Gaston. The Vegan House is losing money daily and I believe that under my control, Gaston's money troubles would be solved over night.
One miserable rainy day, I finally had enough of those damn rats crawling around in my attic and decided that something needed to be done about it. I went inside my attic and sure enough there was like a million rats just chilling eating my wife's Xbox controller. Cause they're Xbox while I'm more Atari. Get it? Eventually they noticed me as I pulled out a large canister of rat poison. I put a gas mask on as I began to spraying the poison all over the basement. I was able to kill at least 200 of the little fuckers... that was of course until I felt something hit the back of my head. I passed out onto the floor as everything went black.
Two hours and forty five minutes later. I woke up to find myself tied to a chair in the corner of my attic. Oddly, the air of the attic did not smell of rat poison no it smelt like freshly cooked cheese straight from Grandmother Edgar's oven. "Sorry about knocking you out friend but you did kill like 200 of my boys." A voice could be heard saying from the shadows in front of me. "Show yourself." I said as the person behind the voice made themselves known to me. It stepped out from the shadows and glared down at me. I nearly passed out again. It was a huge fucking rat. I mean proper huge it was like 8 foot tall! The rat was more humanoid than your average house rat as it stood on it's legs. It wore a makeshift crown on the top of it's head and also had a six pack. I didn't even know that rats could have six packs but whatever I'll buy it.
I gulped heavily before asking, "what the fuck are you!?" "I am the Rat King." The monster rat said before continuing with, "and these are my friends." Then all of the sudden two large rats entered from the shadows behind the King. I recognised both of them instantly. One of them was Rap Rat while the other was Chef Marcell Toing of the acclaimed restaurant Ratatoing. "Busted! Busted!" Rap Rat proclaimed evilly as he cut the side of my face with his claws. Marcell Toing tried to hit me with a wooden spoon but was stopped by Rap Rat who screamed, "WAIT YOUR TURN!" The pair were then silenced by the Rat King who said, "calm down fellas before you two go and kill your guest perhaps we should explain why he's here in the first place?" "You are very right King." Toing said as the Rat King began explaining the current situation to me.
To make a long story short; basically the Rat King and his subjects once dominated the sewers of Empire Bay. Everything was going well until six months ago when a group of four penguins decided to take up residence in the King's domain. He managed to defeat the penguins with ease until they revealed their secret weapon. King Julien! A lemur who claimed to be the rightful king of the sewers. King Julian defeated the Rat King without even trying. The Rat King was humiliated and fled the sewers with his very dumb but loyal subordinates.
For the next six months, Rat King and his minions searched the streets of Empire Bay for somewhere new to make their lodgings. Eventually, the King and his crew settled upon my house as they were fully aware of my wife putting fully cooked meals in the basement so the hornets can eat it. They knew this because one of my neighbours who had a mouse living in their kitchen acted as a mole for the King. The mouse had a severe nose injury, and was the very same mouse that has Jack In The Box staff parties raided by the police.
The King and his subjects arrived in my attic but the hornets were not so welcoming to the new visitors. One of the hornets tried stinging the King right in his six pack only for him to laugh before saying, "big mistake little buddy." He then crushed that wasp to death with his bare hand before doing the same to the entire hive. With the hornets dead, the Rat King and his minions set up their new home. They were fully aware that I was planning on getting rid of them but they didn't think to do anything until now.
The King then said, "Toing bring me the DVD." "Yes Boss." Toing said as he put a large sliver briefcase onto the table in front of me. "What is this?" I asked as the Rat King responded with, "something which will hopefully change your mind on rats." Toing opened up the briefcase and showed it's contents to me. Inside the case, sat a small blank DVD case. "A DVD?" I asked before continuing with, "how is that gonna change my mind on rats exactly?" "You'll see." The King said as he had Rap Rat and Toing pop the DVD into a nearby DVD player.
The DVD started as the intro of Bear In The Big Blue House began to play. I hadn't seen that show in fucking years! The intro was really bad. It was in slow motion and it took like six hours just for Bear to come on screen. The intro just wasn't right. Luna The Moon was made from cheese, Tutter had no nose, and the music was sang by Big Shaq. Sadly. Big Shaq still won't take his damn coat off which really disgusts his girlfriend who looks like a pickled onion. After the theme song, the title came on screen and it read, "Greatness From Small Beginnings."
The episode then showed a brief two second clip of Al the sweaty cheesy toy collector staring at the screen. After that, the episode came back to show Bear opening his front door in order to greet the viewer as normal. However, Bear did not look happy. In fact. he looked really tired. There were huge black bags forming under his eyes and his fur looked messy. "Oh hey come on in here or something." Bear said as the camera followed him inside the house. "Today we..." Bear then stopped in his tracks as he began sniffing the air as normal. "What's that smell? Smells like shit." Bear then pointed at the screen and yelled, "It's you! Why didn't you take a fucking bath before you came here!"
I vomited. How could I not I ask you! Seeing Bear swear like that had made me feel a little uneasy. "That's fricking disgusting my little duckling!" The Rat King cried whilst forcing Marcell to clean up my sick. "Can I go now?" I asked only to get a massive slap across the face from Rap Rat. "Do as the King says son." Rap Rat warned as he redirected my head with his paws so that it was facing the television again. I didn't bother to argue as Rap Rat is the boss after all.
Bear made his way inside the living room where an actual man was shown spraying something onto a piece of cheese. "So is this stuff really gonna work Ted?" Bear asked as the man responded with, "should do Bear. That mouse eats the cheese and bam! He'll be deader than Dead Bart." The man then handed the cheese over to Bear before making his leave. "Thanks again Ted." Bear said as he let the man leave through his front door.
Meanwhile, the cheese was shown sitting outside of Tutter's hole as Bear had left it there in order to entice the blue mouse's cravings. Treelo then showed up being a fricking moron like usual when he spotted the cheese on the floor. "Treelo like cheese." Treelo said as he picked the cheese up and ate it all in one bite. He then held his stomach and said, "oh Treelo not feel so good." He then proceeded to vomit all over the place before collapsing on the floor dead. "Oh damn it Treelo." Bear muttered as he saw Treelo lying dead on the floor. He scooped Treelo up with a shovel before tossing him into a dustbin. That's when Bear had another idea.
Bear went on over to Tutter's hole and hopped down onto the floor. "Oh Tutter wanna play chess?" Bear asked as Tutter responded with, "sure Bear!" Tutter and Bear made their way over to the kitchen table where they began playing chess. When it came to Tutter's turn he looked really uncomfortable. "Um um." Tutter would say. Two months eventually passed by, and Bear looked really confused and asked, "uh Tutter?" Tutter then proceeded to excuse himself from the table and ran off to take a shit. When Tutter returned from his hole he found Bear who was waiting outside for him. Bear then said. "Tutter use a diaper or else you will die!" Tutter's face was in shock and remained like that for a good ten minutes.
Why did Bear want Tutter to use diapers? Well my friends Bear was actually being paid big bucks by the Diaper Company to enforce diaper wearing regulations in the big blue house. However, people like Tutter chose to boycott those rules despite Bear's protests.
The episode then transitioned to show Tutter returning to the kitchen table in order to continue the game of checkers. "Well my dear Tutter I believe it's time to die." Bear said as Tutter cried, "oh but Bear I don't wanna die!" "Um Tutter?" Bear asked as he held a knife high up into the air. Tutter sighed before taking his turn. He managed to beat Bear at checkers in just two seconds flat. "Fuck you Bear." Tutter laughed before hopping onto the table. The screen then cut to black as stabbing noises could be heard in the background.
The episode then cut to a clip of Don Vito Corleone telling some fat old lady about how to save money on her car insurance. "Mrs Hudgins remember to use Direct Line or else." Then some fat sweaty man came on screen and yelled, "want some cash some Wonga!?" These clips were getting out of hand. I tried to break free from my chair but was held down by Rap Rat. "Be calm my friend for the best part is soon to happen." The Rat King said as the episode came back to normal.
The episode showed that Bear had been the one to die instead of Tutter. Somehow, Tutter had managed to get the upper-hand in the fight with Bear. Tutter then grabbed a whistle and blew into it. Then all of the sudden a huge gang of rats and mice appeared in the kitchen in front of Tutter. "My friends today is the day when we take over Woodland Valley! No longer will our kind be looked down upon by the likes of Bear." Tutter explained as his rat and mice brethren clapped in admiration for their leader. The episode then showed the reason for Bear hiring Ted Glen to exterminate Tutter. The reason was exactly the same as mine. Bear had gotten angry because Tutter kept inviting his friends around to play scrabble all through the night. It was driving Bear up the wall and was keeping him from getting a good night's rest.
So Bear did the most logical thing imaginable hiring an exterminator to get rid of Tutter. Bear and Glen rationalised that with Tutter dead, the mice and rats would see sense and stop coming to Bear's damn house. Tutter was no fool however and had anticipated Bear's plan to kill him. He had actually been planning on driving Bear crazy so he would get the chance to kill him.
The motive behind Tutter killing Bear? Well you see; Tutter had long since grown tired of always getting dumped on. Not literally of course that would be gross. He wanted to be the top dog but Bear and his friends seemed to always go out of their way in order to ensure that didn't happen. The rest of Tutter's friends all had similar stories to his.
One of Tutter's friends; Remie helped world famous chef Alfredo Linguini become so famous. He helped Linguini make the world famous Linguini soup that even the snooty Chef Skinner can't help but love. Remie was angry because Linguini was taking all the credit for his success. Remie wanted to get back at Linguini which is why he sought an alliance with Tutter.
Rizzo The Rat was another friend of Tutter's who like Tutter has been the subject of jokes and harsh bullying by his Muppet brethren. His best friend Gonzo even turned on him by siding with the corrupt views of Kermit the Frog and Fozzy Bear. Rizzo was forced by Kermit to live in an underground bunker with the rest of the rats. He wanted revenge. He was going to get it even if it killed him.
Tutter and his gang made their way upstairs to find Pip & Pop messing around in the attic with Luna The Moon laughing at them. "Hey Tutter wanna join The Mystic Order of the Toileteers?" "That sounds really dumb." Rizzo said bluntly. "Rizzo you and Remie take care of them." Tutter said as he had Pip & Pop garrotted by Remie and Rizzo. "Tutter why are you doing this?" Luna asked. "No more talkie." Tutter said as he smashed Luna into pieces with a sledgehammer. Yes one sledgehammer managed to destroy the moon. How does that work exactly? Haven't got a fricking Scooby Doo!
So then, Tutter and his gang then took Bear's body outside and buried it in the backyard. They also did the same with Pip & Pop. "Stop right there!" A voice yelled in the distance. The camera then panned over to show that it came from none other than Harris. Yes that Harris who had survived the spider ordeal with Protegent Man under shady circumstances. Slim Shady circumstances if you will. Ha! "How could you kill Bear?" Harris asked as Tutter responded with, "Bear killed himself with the life he lived." Harris then began chasing after Tutter with his handy dandy AK47. This was until Tutter's gang began swarming around Harris. They climbed on top of Harris as he screamed, "get them off get them off me!" He was once again drowned in the river of rats and mice. Hopefully this time he'll stay dead. Poor Harris he was planning on moving to France with his best friend Talbot. Also, Talbot was present during the murder of Harris but did nothing to stop Tutter as he never liked Harris anyway. So sad.
After they were done with Harris, Tutter and his gang made their way down the streets and completely took over Woodland Valley. They controlled every street. There was so many of them that no one could get outside for work. Ted Glen tried his best to kill as many of the rats as he could but he couldn't possibly kill all of them. That's asking far too much of old Glen that is. "What is this!?" Zoran Lazarevic asked while doing some early Christmas shopping with Lieutenant Draza and Harry Flynn. Lazarevic began shooting at the rats with his double barrel shotgun. "Onto the bridge!" Lazarevic cried but was then consumed by the river of rats and mice as was Draza and Flynn.
President Trump ended up placing Woodland Valley under martial law; and authorised all law enforcement in the area to resort to deadly force when it came to taking care of Tutter and his gang. Police reinforcements were drafted in from across the globe even from as far as Vice City. Sadly, the martial law did nothing to stop or weaken Tutter and his forces. In fact if anything it just made them stronger and far more aggressive.
Tutter also got involved in the art of taxes and had people who owed him money shaken down by his enforcers one of those being Rap Rat. "Give me your fucking money?!" Rap Rat screamed at the very top of his lungs whilst slicing the debtor apart with his claws. So fricking gross. I mean seriously just no. The police meanwhile were too distracted by Tutter and his gang's activities that they had no real time to really do much of anything.
With the police distracted by all the mayhem Tutter was causing, crime in Woodland Valley was at an all time high. Corner shops and even the bakery was victim to robberies.
Even the local grocers owned by Richie and Eddie who were the best of friends was robbed by Rizzo who was acting on Tutter's orders. Rizzo even stole Eddie's hoola hoops which made him sob heavily onto the cash register. "Get used to it chump we own this town now." Rizzo said as Richie began chasing after him only to get intercepted by an incredibly old lady who was shopping for some Bramston Pickles. "What's the matter you mad?" The old lady asked Richie who responded by holding his fist up to her face. "You want some of this? Do you?" Richie threatened as he began chasing the old lady down the road before getting beat up himself by her 8 foot tall grandson. Eddie meanwhile sat on the roof above the shop with his mate Mike. The pair were really close. Perhaps there was some romance going on there. It's just so hard to tell.
The Grierson Gallery was especially fearful as they had recently bought a large diamond from the local governor. They requested the aid of the world famous gem expert Richard Fatchurd. I'm sure you're well aware of old Fatchurd if you've been reading the Bruno Tattagllia/Oliver Charles funnypasta guide. There's a lot going on in there. The owner of the gallery; George Grierson was fearful as the diamond came from the shoe of Governor Shaw Fetching. He will not let anyone or anything take his precious diamond away from him.
One chilly evening, a knock occurred at the front door of the gallery. Mr Grierson went to answer it only to see that it was none other than Richard Fatchurd himself. "Ah thank you for coming on such short notice Mr Fatchurd we..." Mr Grierson was cut off as Fatchurd had him pushed out of the way by his PA Fritz. "The Chief of Police sent me." Fatchurd said before continuing with, "he was concerned that the diamond held in your gallery may have been replaced with a phony!" Fatchurd was allowed into the diamond containment room where he began licking the diamond for a good twenty minutes.
"You have been duped!" Fatchurd cried as Grierson asked, "what we have!?" "Yes.... by me!" Fatchurd yelled evilly before shooting tranquiliser darts from his eyes knocking out the entire gallery staff including Mr Grierson and Fritz. Richard Fatchurd then pulled off his face revealing it to have been a mask the entire time. Tutter climbed out of the make shift fat suit and laughed evilly. The real Richard Fatchurd was on holiday in Turkey. Despite being his personal assistant, Fritz was not on the vacation with his boss as Fatchurd didn't trust him enough yet. Sorry to say but I doubt he ever will.
Tutter ended up selling the diamond on eBay and used the money made from the sale to turn the big blue house into a super mansion. Woodland Valley was renamed, "Tutter Valley." Tutter and his gang completely controlled the entire town with their rat fists. No one and I repeat no one was ever going to take it away from them ever again.
Rizzo went on to become a world famous actor while Kermit and Miss Piggy ended up living on the dole in a small rundown house. Kermit ended up finding work as a loan manager under Ebenezer Scrooge of all people. Also all of Kermit's partners were rats which finally allowed for him to put aside his prejudices and realise that Gusto was right all along.
Also, Remie opened up his own successful restaurant called La Ratatouille which was far more successful that Linguini's smelly restaurant. In fact just weeks after La Ratatouille opened, Gusto's closed up for good after Linguini killed the local health inspector. Good riddance I say. With that, the episode ended.
Toing then pressed stop on the DVD player as the normal credits began to play. "Well what did ya think?" The Rat King asked as I asked, "how was this supposed to make me love rats exactly? Tutter isn't even a rat to begin with; he's a mouse!" "Um..." The Rat King was cut off by Rap Rat who yelled, "he's the talk of the town he's history in the making." The Rat King then pulled out a large butcher knife and held it to my throat as he said, "what a shame kid. I was planning on recruiting you into our gang as my guard." I closed my eyes braising for impact but it never came.
I opened my eyes to see that Rat King and his cohorts were jumping out of the attic window as General R. Asquith appeared on the scene. "Are you okay Mr Green?" Asquith asked as he had one of his soldiers untie me from my chair. "More or less." I answered as Asquith said, "well come on then we gotta get that fuck before him and his rats invade someone else's attic." General Asquith and I made our way inside an elevator which I had installed inside my attic in case the stairs to the attic ever blew up. While in the elevator, I accidentally farted and said, "I'm getting poisoned by the gas exchange. I need to be naked!" "Rejoice it." General Asquith said before continuing with, "your body is magnificent." We then proceeded to stare at each other for an uncomfortable amount of time before the elevator finally reached my living room. Outside the living room window, we could see the Rat King and his two buddies stealing a cop car.
We made our way onto the streets where Asquith revealed the General Asquith Mobile. It was a car shaped like a pea. Asquith's mother had gotten it for her son many Christmas mornings ago. Even longer now than it seems. Me and Asquith began speeding after the Rat King and his lieutenants Marcell Toing and Rap Rat. We managed to ram the King's car off the road causing it to roll over as the flames began to appear. The Rat King left us to be killed by Toing and Rap Rat while he made his way towards the local battle arena. Toing was captured by a group of lobsters who then proceeded to throw Toing into a pot of boiling hot water. You see they had received a steak from Toing which gave them all food poisoning so this was their way of getting revenge. "Marcell!" Rap Rat cried whilst sinking to his knees sobbing heavily. I laughed at his sobs like anyone would.
Me and General Asquith made our way to the arena where the Rat King was waiting for us. The rest of the King's rat minions were watching and cheering on their beloved leader. "Here's the deal Green." Rat King said before continuing with, "you beat me in a fight and me and my friends will go back to the sewers." "And if you win?" I asked as the Rat King responded with, "it's best not to think about what will happen to you if I win. Get the picture sport?" General Asquith tried charging at Rat King only to get picked up into the air. He was then thrown off to fucking Jupiter by the Rat King who then set his sights upon me. I could see by the look in his eyes that he was gonna kill me.
Thankfully, the fight was interrupted as I heard the Toilet Duck riding on a massive sink with legs. "How does my toilet get so clean? It's easy Duck's on my team!" Toilet Duck sang as he landed in front of Rat King and beat him to a pulp. He then punched the Rat King so hard that he ended up flying into space. "We'll meet again Joseph Green." The Rat King could be heard saying as he flew towards the sky. "Oh look there he goes flying through the sky." General Asquith said as he recovered from his beating. Toilet Duck then offered to give us a lift home and we agreed.
Arriving back home, General Asquith offered to make a cup of tea while I write my experience down on his laptop. He's currently siding beside me on the couch as I finish writing this down. I have no doubt that the Rat King will return. He'll be back with even more rats. This time however I'll be ready for him.
So readers, if you ever see a rat in your house kill it immediately. You never know but that rat could very well be planning on revolting against you so that it can take over your town or city. Perhaps if Bear had foreseen Tutter's betrayal then maybe the whole thing could have been avoided. Perhaps in a way, Bear was aware of the scheme all along but it's just so hard to tell. Also, Rap Rat is now my roommate because he owns a lot of mortgages. Whatever that means. Goodbye for now peeps. Come back soon though please.
Also before we conclude, this story was sponsored by Carson Clay Chocolate. Click the link in the description and you'll get some Carson Clay Chocolate Bars made by none other than former LA movie director Mr Carson Clay. The bars taste fucking horrible and costs you like $100,000,000. They'll make your gums bleed and your breath smell like fish for three months straight. Good luck with that. Also, you'll be forced to pay Clay the money unless you want some men dressed in suits coming to your door at three in the morning. But it won't have to come to that will it dear reader? Thought not. Bye bye.
Credited to Bruno Tattagllia
| Comments • 0 |
Loading comments...
|
