Guild Wars: Murder Edition

You know, I've always been a fan of the free-to-play game Guild Wars 2. The amazing MMORPG being a combination of Dungeons & Dragons, Lord of the Rings and the works of HP Lovecraft already made me excited for days. That said, I've always had a soft spot for the first couple prior games from the 2000s. It's a shame not a whole lot of people talk about the first games the same way as the successor. But what I'm about to tell you might be a good reason why.

I came home from work and I wanted to play a bit of OG Guild Wars, but what I've encountered was something completely morbid about it to the point where I stopped caring about the predecessors for a while. A 2008 standalone game, Guild Wars: Murder Edition, written in meme-esque Impact font. I assumed that this looked absolutely fake, like some fanmade practical troll who did it just out of boredom. Yet, my mind was attached to the big bold letters that spell Guild Wars and that alone still made me curious to play it. So I, in an over-the-top cartoonish fashion, slammed the CD onto my late-2000s Windows 7 desktop computer and I got ready to play.

Cantha and Tyria (from Nightfall) are seen on the menu but their faces were swapped and their voices resemble way more like Jack Black. They even performed a medley similar to that of classic Tenacious D. I raised my left eyebrow in complete confusion, but as a typical moron, I carried on. I went to the character selection, only to find out that the characters I was about to create resemble more like Family Guy characters. Again, I pressed forward. The cutscene opens with Devona who's been in the first games, except here she's more of an elderly black woman, albeit a man crossdressing as a woman being played by Tyler Perry. She commanded me that I should "stop playing and get out, mm-hmm." The screen went static and my Windows 7 that I've cherished for over a decade had exploded and took a steaming pile of shit all over my bedroom floor.

I freaked out and fainted and was taken to a hospital. I woke up and the paramedics and doctors have arrived, but they all resemble Guild Wars characters but with hyper-realistc disheveled blooshot eyes. The ambulance was transferring me from a hospital to the Eye of the North by using an Asura Gate. I was thrown into it and I saw footage of everything, such as 9/11, and dollar signs being burnt, and worst of all, lizards. Lizards that crawl onto my bodies. I was then sent straight to hell. The next thing I saw was Cantha and Tyria having a ball of their lives and Devona congratulating me on beating the game. She was then seen with in formal wear while wearing a top hat, a bow tie, a monocle and a fake mustache, and was about to eat a grilled cheese sandwich. A Polymock appears and asks me this, "how did you beat the game?" I replied, "I was encountered by lizards." It chuckles and implied, "Well that's the thing. We ARE the lizards." His eyes slivered like almonds. Devona, Cantha and Tyria also got up to stare at me with their respective eyes also slivering like almonds.

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