Guy Wifanife is trying to kill me
You read the title: Guy Wifanife is trying to kill me. If you don't know who Guy Wifanife is, he's a guy, with a knife. As his name implies.
One day on January 16th, 2036, I was driving for no particular reason when I saw Guy Wifanife jump onto my car with a knife. I was frightened and almost swerved into a tree, but I regained control of my car and kept driving as if nothing had happened.
When I got home, I surfed through Netflix to find something to watch. I looked to see if there was a new episode of Family Guy.
"Hold on, Family Guy is on [Hulu or Disney+, depending on your region], not Netflix!" That may be true today, but from 2025 to 2034, Netflix bought out every entertainment company known to man and woman and non-binaries. So in 2036, you cannot escape Netflix.
Anyway, I saw that there was a new episode of Family Guy: "Guy Wifanife". The episode was about Peter becoming a chef. A few minutes into the episode, when Peter was learning how to cut up the ingredients of a meal, he set up a cutaway gag that was unusual:
"Boy, I haven't held a knife since the time I was a serial killer!"
It cut to a cutaway gag of a person watching TV, but...the person looked like me. His house looked like my house. Suddenly, I was hit by fear. Guy Wifanife jumped out from behind my TV and yelled, "OOGA BOOGA BOOGA!!!". "I'm Guy Wifanife, and I'm gonna stab you!" he kept mumbling as he approached me. As he came out of the shadows, I realized something. He looked like Peter. He jumped on top of me and started stabbing me. "This was all happening in the gag," I thought. "Guy Wifanife IS Peter!" Eventually, I blacked out.
A couple of hours later, I woke up in the hospital. And then I blacked out again. But then I woke up. But then I blacked out again! And this kept going on until 9PM, when I went to sleep. The next day, I woke up to find Guy Wifanife standing right next to me, with his knife.
"GUY WIFANIFE!!!" I yelled. Then the doctor said, "Guy Wifanife? No, he died 19 years ago." Guy Wifanife disappeared. Then I screamed, got up, and ran right through the wall. As it turns out, we were all ghosts and had all died in a nuclear holocaust that destroyed our town 12 years ago.
Let me explain something to you: back in 2007, during season 6 of Family Guy, there was a two-part special named "Stewie Kills Lois" and "Lois Kills Stewie". In the first part of the special, Stewie, Lois's youngest son, kills her, but it turns out that she was alive, which leads to a epic gunfight near the end of the second part, killing Stewie. But here's something you don't know: when he had taken control of the White House, he planted bombs under it, set to explode at a later time for plans of a new government building. Coincidentally, this time was right after Stewie was killed, killing Lois and Peter. At the time, Meg was only 17, so she couldn't live by herself. So, she and Chris were sent to Quahog's adoption center, but on the way, they both died in a car crash. It turned out that Meg was drunk while driving.
So FOX, deciding to continue Family Guy over Seth MacFarlane (the creator of Family Guy)'s objections, hired replacements for the Griffin family. However, these replacements acted differently from the original family. It wasn't too noticeable at first, but FOX constantly overworking and mistreating the replacements made it get worse and worse, leading to the replacements acting completely differently from the original family and the decline of Family Guy as a whole. This led to the replacement Peter going insane. He developed a cocaine addiction in 2014, and in 2017, he shot the replacement Lois and the rest of the replacement family. Then, for some reason, he grabbed a knife from the kitchen and started stabbing people in Quahog, nicknaming himself "Guy Wifanife". The cops couldn't find him until he was dead in a dumpster behind a Burger King. And they replaced them again. The second replacements acted exactly the same as the first replacements, just as FOX wanted. Everybody is replaceable, even you.
Oh, and the nuclear holocaust thing was caused by a nuclear war between the United States and China, not related to Family Guy at all.
Written by Tali64³
Content is available under CC BY-SA
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