Halloween on Funnypasta Street
Hello there I'm Buckie O'Buck Nell and welcome one and all to the first ever annual Halloween funnypasta special. This will hopefully become a yearly tradition from here on out. So please sit down on my polar bear rug and shut the fuck up as I begin to tell a story so spooky so downright smelly that it will cause your skin to fall off like a badly butchered onion. This is Halloween On Funnypasta Street. Oh and before I forget, make sure to eat your vegetables before going out for Halloween because quite frankly I think you're setting a bad example. Rude carrot onion.
Colonel Dodo sat on his brand new ship gazing out at the morning sky. Today was Halloween, and Colonel Dodo had not yet bothered to get a pumpkin. He needed one fast, and he tried heading to the local pumpkin farm only to find out they had already completely ran out. Next, Colonel Dodo tried Tesco, and asked a security guard named Moro if he had pumpkins in stock. Moro was wearing a really dodgy Shrek costume which had made Dodo think twice about asking him for help, but he was desperate. Moro said, "hmm well you're just in luck my friend for we have one pumpkin left. Follow me." Colonel Dodo and Moro made their way further into the store until they reached a seemingly deserted aisle with all the shelves which normally housed Halloween candy were all empty. Dodo asked, "hey where's all the candy? Where's all the love?" "Didn't you hear the news?" Moro asked before continuing with, "Boris Johnson has cancelled trick and treating for this year. Therefore, Tesco has decided to boycott all of it's Halloween candy out of fear of Johnson sending that prick General Asquith after us." "I see." Colonel Dodo said like some kind of Superintendent Chalmers as he then asked Moro about the pumpkin. "Oh you'll see come the world cup final this afternoon!" Moro joked but before Dodo ask what he meant by that Moro pulled out a large pumpkin from his ear. Where had he been keeping that pumpkin? Well my friends perhaps it's better that we never know.
So, Colonel Dodo then proceeded to ask Moro how much the pumpkin was. "Take it free!" Moro proclaimed happliy as Dodo asked, "for free?" "Ha ha no! I want a million pounds in cash." Moro explained. Moro needed the money to get a plane to Lost Heaven where he could finally get his name on street signs. He had a lot of friends down there who could help swing him a place on the roundtable, and maybe even a record contract if he's feeling especially cheeky. Colonel Dodo groaned heavily for he had not brought any money with him, and thought that he could get a pumpkin for free if he played his cards right. Upon learning that Dodo didn't have the money to pay for the pumpkin, Moro pulled an incredibly scary face which was so scary that it made Dodo shit out some Tic Tacs. "Get out!" Moro yelled in the scariest voice you'd ever hear. Not wanting to complain and risk possibly getting killed by Moro, Colonel Dodo reluctantly took his leave.
Now outside in the parking lot, Dodo whined about how if Captain Hook and Peck Fex were still around this never would have happened. He knew fully well that Hook and Henry Albatross were far too busy for him now, but perhaps if Peck Fex was still around he'd still be in the driver's seat. Sadly, ole Peck was as dead as a doornail. That's when Dodo began to ponder about the possibility of bringing people back from the dead. He wondered if it was possible to bring his dear first mate back from the dead. Dodo lit himself a pipe and took a huge puff as he asked, "but who could help me resurrect my dear sweet wumpa?" That's when Dodo remembered an urban legend that if someone was to visit the cemetery on Halloween night and say a sacred pray they would be able to resurrect the dead. Only one problem, the person who said the prayer had to be a pastor or a priest for all you uncultured swines out there. "So who would be the lucky priest?" Dodo wondered to himself, and that's when he clicked his lips as he knew exactly who to go to. He needed the best priest in the world. He needed.... he needed.... he needed a tailor. Only joking he needed Father Shadow.
Bob an incredibly quiet man from Alaska too was troubled this Halloween morning. For, he had spent the last month getting all his decorations ready, and was now finally starting to decorate his trailer. He had planned on Bobbie helping him, but she was busy social distancing at Gordy's place. "Oh that sly fox was surly going to show his bushy tail tonight." Bob thought wearily. This Halloween, Gordy and the rest of the police department had to patrol the streets of Alaska in order to keep people from trick or treating. He knew fully well that Gordy would be completely alone for the majority of the night. Gordy's pet bear would be busy hosting a Halloween party at Gordy's place until he got back. So perhaps this was his chance to do so.
Bob headed inside his kitchen, and opened up his recently carved pumpkin. He reached inside and pulled out a small revolver which had tape over it in order to prevent finger prints. He had gotten the gun from Peter Clemenza who was an old friend of his. Bob knew Gordy's patrol inside and out, and knew that at 6'o clock; Gordy would stop for lunch at Patsy's. Bob would run in, and shoot Gordy while he enjoyed the pumpkin soup special. Once Gordy was killed, Bob planned on dumping the gun in the alleyway for the police to find, and since there were no prints the police would therefore be baffled as to who the killer was. Of course, Bob worried of the repercussions and that Gordy's pet bear may come looking for revenge, but he quickly put these thoughts out of his mind and went back to decorating his trailer. It was all just a matter of time.
At the CLPD Central Police Station, Sam and Max sat in their office playing a game of UNO when they received a phone call from Boris Johnson himself. "Mr Johnson this is an honour!" Sam proclaimed happliy as Boris Johnson said, "shut up Sam and listen very closely. General Asquith and I are very busy settling some accounts so we need you to keep an eye out for any trick or treaters." "Well gee Mr Johnson me and Max kind of have a thing planned for Halloween." Sam explained sheepishly as Boris yelled, "do as your told or else bad things are gonna happen!" And with that the phone call ended as quickly as a candle goes out. In truth, Boris Johnson and General Asquith were not busy at all, and actually busy having a party up in Downing Street. Also, during the party, Boris was not wearing a mask but justified this as being just another smelly Saturday, and this made everyone laugh even General Asquith chuckled a mighty sailor's chuckle which is rather out of character for Asquith if I may say so myself. Sam gazed around the office at all the Halloween decorations, and told Max that they had work to do, and their super important monster movie marathon would have wait until the 1st of November.
Outside on the freezing cold streets, Sam and Max discovered that the sky was already beginning to turn dark even though it had just gone noon. The pair began patrolling the streets looking for trick or treaters. "Oh this is ridiculous Sam! No self respecting person would be outside in this weather!" Max whined as Sam responded with, "well maybe not Max, but we can't afford to take any chances. The Prime Minister is counting on us." They then realised it was rather stupid of them to be walking so they headed back to the police station to grab their car. Inside the car, Max suggested going out for a leisurely late supper at Patsy's, and Sam agreed. While driving towards Patsy's, Sam and Max found the streets of London to be seemingly deserted. Twas not a soul in sight. Perhaps for once everyone had heeded the Prime Minister's warnings, but again the nagging worry. Where was all the people?
That same afternoon, Colonel Dodo had arranged everything with Father Shadow, and had some time to kill as Shadow would not be arriving until 6'o clock. So, Dodo decided against his upmost wisdom to pay Captain Hook a visit. Dodo and Captain Hook had not spoken to each other in months, and unlike Henry Albatross, Hook had declined to keep in contact with Dodo. This angered Colonel Dodo as he and Hook had practically grown up together, and now Hook had turned his back on him. Arriving at Captain Hook's boat, Dodo made his way inside not even bothering to knock on the door. Dodo was dismayed to learn that Hook had not even bothered to decorate his ship for the holidays. He was just a little too respectful. Dodo made his way towards the captain's quarters, and saw that Captain Hook was drinking from a cup of tea and looked at Dodo with a rather smug grin. Too smug if I may say so myself! "Ah Dodo I was wondering when you were going to show up!" Hook proclaimed as he placed his cup of tea down onto the table. "How did you know it was me?" Dodo asked. "Because you're not wearing a fucking mask Dodo! Why don't you ever listen obey the rules!" Hook complained. Captain Hook had become a different man since departing from Colonel Dodo's side. He had become much more colder and sinister... well the same could also be said for Colonel Dodo. Captain Hook then offered to show Dodo around the ship, and Dodo agreed happily.
The ship was massive, and was so big it occupied an entire dock to itself. Captain Hook whilst giving the tour then asked the daring question of why Colonel Dodo was out and about when the entire country was under strict orders to not go outside. "Well I was just in the neighbourhood ya know?" Dodo lied but Hook saw through him like a knife through butter. "Don't bullshit me Dodo! You've got something up those sleeves of yours haven't you?" Hook asked. "I sure do!" Colonel Dodo proclaimed happliy as he began to relay his plan over to Hook who grinned with every single detail that Dodo whisper into his overly large ear. "Dodo you cannot be serious! Peck is dead and he ain't coming back. Why can't you just accept that?" Hook asked, but Colonel Dodo had not heard him. He looked at his pocket watch, and realised that one of the arms had broken off. So, Dodo without even so much as a goodbye to Captain Hook had made his way back out onto the streets towards his local jewellers.
At the jewellers, Colonel Dodo was dismayed to learn that the shop closed extra early on Halloween in order to keep up with the current sociological mandates. Dodo tried to get the shop owner to fix his damn pocket watch, but the owner was a rather cynical dog of a shop owner and told Dodo to quit whining and grow a pair. Colonel Dodo then decided that he could just buy another pocket watch, and so began dancing in the streets in an attempt to get some money. He danced to some classic 1970's jazz music, and this act impressed the shop owner so much that he came back to see Dodo farting violently as he did so. In fact, the smell was so intense that it knocked Dodo onto his arse. "Maybe I can have a look at that watch after all!" The shop owner said as he led Dodo into the shop. Long story short, the stupid old bastard ended up destroying Dodo's watch by chucking it into the furnace. When Colonel Dodo asked why he did that; the shop owner explained that 30 something years earlier he used to own a shop over in Lost Heaven. One day, he had sold a golden chain to Mickey Mouse and the very next day Mickey set fire to his shop. To this day, the shop owner still resents that bastard of a mouse for what he did to his sanity, and in my humble bumble opinion that's just really sad. Now because the shop owner was very old and took a really long time to tell stories it meant that several hours had now passed. Gazing at the clock on the wall, Dodo realised that it was almost 6. So, he put on his heel and ran out of the store disappearing into the shadows of the early evening mist.
At a quarter to six that afternoon, Bob caught a cab to Patsy's, and paid the driver in full. Same old root and such a skilled driver. The driver stared at Bob with an incredibly scary face. He didn't take his eyes off Bob until he was paid in full. "It ain't much better in here kid!" The driver warned as he sped down the streets while Bob made his way towards Patsy's. He put on a mask, and looked around to see Gordy had just entered the restaurant, and was sitting at the table just across from Sam and Max. Bob made his way inside, and crept pass the bar towards the restroom. He hid inside the restroom and waited. He had changed his plan a little. He knew that he could not possibly kill Gordy in front of the police commissioners. He had to wait until Gordy came to take a leak that's when he would strike. Gordy was infamous for having an incredibly weak bladder, and so around ten minutes into dinner service, Gordy got up from his table and made his way towards the restroom. However, another man entered the restroom just before Gordy. Not taking any chances, Bob fired six bullets into that man's disgustingly green polo shirt. Before Bob could even realise his mistake, Gordy had already entered the restroom and upon recognising Bob asked, "Bob what are you doing here with that gun?"
Thinking quickly, Bob tried to shoot Gordy only to learn that he wasted all his bullets on the guy from earlier who was now laying dead in a pool of onion sauce. Bob threw the revolver at Gordy's face stunning him briefly as Bob attempted to make his way out the front door only to get tackled to the ground by Sam and Max. "Welcome home Ma!" Max proclaimed happliy as he put some handcuffs on Bob who tried his best to break free, but Sam and Max were far too strong for him. Emerging from the restroom, Gordy held his head in pain as he said, "Bob you really let us down lad." Bob was then taken outside by Sam and Max, and led inside their police car. He was in for a rough night.
That evening, Colonel Dodo sat on a bench outside the cemetery patiently awaiting the arrival of Father Shadow. Father Shadow was known as the better priest in the whole damn priest world. A huge guff of smoke engulfed Dodo, and Shadow emerged from the smoke carrying a large and thick Bible. "Did ya miss me Dodo?" Father Shadow asked. "Sure Father sure now are we going to do this thing or not?" Colonel Dodo asked in a annoyed tone. "Sure! Follow me." Shadow said rather happily as the pair made their way inside the cemetery. They passed by several tombstones including the graves of Luca Brasi, MT Bar, and Ronald McDonald. Shadow and Dodo made their way through the graveyard until they reached Peck Fex's grave which sat on top of a large and downright smelly hill. The hill overlooked the entire city, and Shadow wiped the sweat from his brow as he had Dodo pour holy water onto the grave. "Well dear Peck your lucky day has come." Shadow said rather arrogantly as he opened up his Bible, and began reciting the mighty prayer. However, nothing happened. "Well that was a complete waste of time!" Dodo whined as Shadow said, "now hang on a minute it's all still a...." Before Shadow could finish, a large black and half chewed off feather busted out of the ground. Dodo turned around to see that his dear first mate Peck Fex was alive once again.
Peck Fex didn't look right. He looked diseased. His left eye was missing, and his feathers were a sickly green colour which smelt nasty. Colonel Dodo went to give Peck a hug only for Peck to roar a mighty roar as the entire cemetery began rising from their graves. Luca Brasi climbed out of his grave as he said in a demonic voice, "We do it for the fear and love of Don Corleone himself." "Zombies!" Dodo exclaimed as Ronald McDonald's zombie appeared behind him screaming, "boo!" Dodo flew into the air like a little bitch as the zombies began making their way out of the graveyard, and out onto the once again seemingly deserted streets. "Oh buggering buggerton." Colonel Dodo muttered before asking Shadow, "great so what do we do now Father?" "May I suggest making a break for it?" Shadow suggested. "Quit reading my mind!" Dodo proclaimed as both he and Shadow made their way out of the graveyard screaming like mad men. They had to tell someone about this!
The zombies made their way out onto the streets, and wrecked everything. "Yo what's up besides the Sun?" MT Bar asked as he made his way towards the Tesco from earlier. Moro was not there anymore as he had gone home. He had gone home like a great muppet had once theorised. Now, Tesco was being guarded by Moro's proteges the Red & Yellow M&Ms. "Uh Red...." Yellow said while tapping Red on the shoulder who upon seeing MT Bar screamed and screamed some more. The pair run through the entire store all the while getting chased down by MT Bar. Eventually, the M&M duo decided on hiding inside the freezer which housed all the sweet and delicious ice cream. Inside the freezer, the pair quickly realised that they had made a grave mistake, but they couldn't risk leaving the freezer with the fear of MT Bar possibly still being out there looking for them. Yellow freezing beyond belief collapsed into Red's gloved hands as he said in a weak voice, "if I don't make it..." "Don't say that! You're gonna make it just hold...." Red was cut off as the door to the freezer creaked open, and before either M&M could even react they were leapt on by MT Bar. MT bit one huge chunk out of both M&M's leaving them in the same undead state as MT. The zombified M&M's then helped MT Bar with raiding Tesco before they made their way back outside onto the smelly parking lot.
Al and Monkey sat in their house drinking from a cup of tea. "Monkey what makes the taste of PG so great?" Al asked. Monkey then began giving his usual lesson about how PG Tips was superior in every way to the all other countless brands of tea. While teaching Al the wonders of PG, a loud knock occurred on the door, and Al got up to go and see who it was. Outside on the front porch, Colonel Dodo and Father Shadow both had terrified looks plastered upon their faces. "Would ya like to come in? I'm making a brew." Al suggested as the pair made their way inside the house caring not a button for the darkness. Monkey was the first to ask what was going on. Shadow explained the whole thing, and while Al believed the story instantly Monkey took a great deal of persuasion before he was finally able to accept the story as being true. Al made them some cups of tea, and after they were finished, they all made their way inside the living room in order to watch the evening news. They couldn't believe what they saw!
On the TV, a news reporter was standing by the Thames wearing a dodgy vampire mask as he said, "this just in: a large influx of zombies have appeared in London, and are spreading across the entire world. The Prime Minister has this to say." Suddenly, the video cut to show Boris Johnson outside 10 Downing Street barely being able to get a sentence out. His eyes were golden yellow and his features were of a sickly green colour. He too had become a zombie and so had General Asquith and the rest of the Cabinet. "General W.R Monger has declared martial law, and army reinforcements from across the globe have been drafted in." The news reporter explained before continuing with, "please stay in your homes! Don't go out for trick treating! Don't....." The reporter was cut off as he was tackled to the ground by a large group of zombies. He screamed in pain as he was torn to shreds. "Shit!" Shadow yelled as he began smoking a cigarette. He then continued with, "we are in deep shit without a paddle my children." Monkey rolled his eyes at Shadow smoking and swearing as he said, "that's not very priest like of you Father." "Oh shut up you little toe rag! I need to think!" Shadow yelled when all of the sudden the front door was kicked open as the zombies of Luca Brasi and Peck Fex entered the house.
The gang made their way up the stairs, and hid inside the bathroom. Brasi and Peck made their way up the stairs groaning heavily as they did so. Shadow using all his strength kicked the pair down the stairs as he yelled, "we need to get to Fatchurd Manor!" "What why?" Colonel Dodo asked. "He's the only person who has the resources to kill these fuckers!" Shadow explained as he and the others jumped out of the bathroom window, and raced down the streets all the while getting chased down by Brasi and Peck Fex. Meanwhile, Captain Hook who after watching news had also began making his way towards Fatchurd Manor. It was time to put the odds in his favour.
Over in Oakton City, Ronald McDonald crawled on all fours towards the local clown prison. You see; back during the great clown purge of 2016, a prison was created in Oakton City to house all the evil clowns. Ronald had heard about the prison whilst in the underworld, and always felt that something needed to be done about it. Reaching the jail, Ronald McDonald killed the only security guard on duty before pressing a large red button on the guard's desk which for some reason opened all of the jail cells. Moments later, a large SWAT team appeared outside the prison gates armed to the teeth with incredibly powerful weapons. However, they were no match for Ronald and his associates. Ronald and his clown army completely obliterated the entire SWAT team as they began ransacking the streets of Oakton City. Houses were broken into and local cafes were raided. They had even stealing sliver ware! Now that's just going too far! I was fine when you were breaking into houses and shit like that Ronald, but stealing sliver ware? Now that's just despicable! Ha ha I love it!
Over in the fields behind Oakton City and just north of Greendale, Farmer Clive Brown was shocked to see that one of his scarecrows was waving at him. "Ah none of that thank you!" Farmer Brown proclaimed as he made his way up the fields towards the scarecrow. "Eh don't ya know there's a lockdown going on?" Farmer Brown asked as he opened up the scarecrow's chest only to learn that there was no one inside it. "Then how did you...." Farmer Brown was cut off as the scarecrow gestured his hand behind him. Farmer Brown looked behind him and was dismayed to learn that a large group of these anthropomorphic scarecrows were coming towards him. Even though he had plenty of time to get away, Farmer Brown just sat there screaming and screaming some more as the demon scarecrows all huddled around him.
Sam and Max had heard all about the influx of zombies through their police radio, and made an urgent call to the department asking for backup only to find that the entire police department had been infected. Sam and Max against their better judgement realised that it would fly in the face of their good nature if they were to let Bob be killed by the zombies they were forced to take him with them. "Where we headed?" Max asked. "We're going to the local cafe to try and try and get to the bottom of this mess!" Sam explained as he slammed his foot down on the accelerator causing the car to drive so fast that it ended up crashing into the walls of the cafe destroying it instantly. Inside the cafe, Sam and Max found it to be completely deserted, and so helped themselves to a cup of tea while Gordy tried his best to talk with Bob. For the very first time in over 46 years, Gordy gave in full vent to his anger. "What gave you the idea to commit such an act!? What gave you the idea to try and kill me!?" Bob had refused to answer but then said, "I know you're sleeping with Bobbie!" "Aahhhhhhhhh!" Gordy proclaimed as he let out a massive fart. Bob had finally spoken for the first time in over a decade. It was indeed true for Bob had not spoken since the Great Fire of 82. Perhaps it was finally time for Bob to get some closure over the past. Bob finally speaking came as such a shock that the smiles vanished from the faces of Sam and Max. It was a time for big emotions. "Criminey Jim jams!" Sam cried at the top of his lungs. Bob smiled a wicked onion cat smile as Gordy sank into his chair. Gordy then began to tell Bob a little story.
Not long after the Great Fire of 82, Bob's wife Bobbie had been arrested for crispy bun trafficking, and in these days Gordy was a young hot headed rookie of the force. Gordy and Bobbie ended up falling for each other after Bobbie commented on how she liked how Gordy played to the beat of his own dreams, In his teenage years, Gordy had indeed tried to start up his band but stopped out of fear of upsetting his smelly parents who worked as pastors at the local convention centre. Gordy and Bobbie realised that Bobbie couldn't divorce Bob since he had a really great lawyer who would happliy help Bob sue Bobbie for all she's worth, so the pair agreed to begin a secret affair. Bobbie was quietly released with Gordy justifying his actions by explaining that there was a lack of evidence. For the next 38 years, Bobbie visited Gordy at his home at least twice a week. They did everything together, and in a curious twist had the exact kind of relationship that Bob had always wanted with his wife. Gordy had in a way always been aware that Bob knew about the affair, but knowing that Bob had some violent tendencies as evident by the whole fire incident he always felt a time would come when Bob would confront him over it. Now the time had come, and Gordy for the first time in his entire life met defeat.
Even though Halloween had been cancelled, Richard Fatchurd was determined to have the best haunted house on the entire street. He had spent a great deal of time getting all the decorations ready, and then he had Fritz place them all around the house. Fritz was standing on a step ladder placing some fake spiders onto the rooftops while Fatchurd sat on his front porch drinking from a mug of coffee. That's when Colonel Dodo, Father Shadow, Al, and Monkey all appeared on the front garden screaming for Fatchurd to save them. Before Fatchurd could question them, a large group of zombies appeared from behind them. Not missing a beat, Fatchurd and Fritz hastily made their way inside the house. "What do we do now Father?" Monkey asked in a very cynical way. Oh Monkey you're so Money Supermarket! "Hate to say it but we're sandwiched all right!" Shadow said as he ordered the group to hide in the house while he dealt with the zombies. Shadow was an incredibly powerful priest, and by using holy water was able to kill at least ten of the zombies. Meanwhile, Colonel Dodo who was watching this from the front porch came to the realization that holy water was the key to ending this madness. Sadly, Shadow turned around to face Colonel Dodo and yelled, "get in that house ya stupid...." Shadow was cut off guard as his neck was bitten into by Luca Brasi. Shadow's eyes turned green, and his priest collar fell off as his skin stretched and became green and red. He was now a zombie. Shadow coughed out some pop tarts as he sang, "well I do like to be beside the seaside!"
Colonel Dodo rushed inside the house only to see that Al and Monkey were just chilling watching X Factor while Fritz was busy making the final adjustments to the decorations. "Dodo!" A voice called out in the distance as Dodo was hit across the face with a large plank of wood which he then used to barricade the front door. "Small world ay?" Captain Hook asked as he appeared from the shadows smiling a wicked smile. "Are your friends ya know?" Captain Hook asked as Dodo responded with, "don't worry they're as cool as ice." This made Al and Monkey feel incredibly awkward as Fatchurd began eating an entire bucket of KFC chicken all to himself. Oh that fat salmon sandwich! "It doesn't matter anyway. I heard there's supposed to be some kind of obvious symptom before you turn into one of them anyway." Captain Hook explained as he made his way over to the dimly lit and rather dusty living room window and peered out. Out on the streets, a large group of zombies were waiting to ambush the house. Hook pulled out a red9 and Dodo and the others also pulled out weapons which had been supplied to them by Fatchurd in a deleted scene. "Okay it's game time!" Hook proclaimed as the gang began shooting the zombies who were trying their darndest to force the door open.
After a lengthily shootout, one of the zombies said, "vamos!" They began making their way down the streets for tea time. "Looks like they're finally backing off." Colonel Dodo said as he put his gun down. "So what now Sir?" Fritz asked. "What do you mean what now?" Dodo asked as he sat down in a large leather armchair. "I mean: there's the zombie pandemic in London, the clowns are purging in Oakton, and over in Greenfield there's demon hybrid scarecrows running about. So what the turnip do we do now?" Fritz asked. "Look I don't know okay?" Dodo admitted as he lit himself a pipe and then said, "I just don't know." "Perhaps we could be off assistance." A voice called out as Sam and Max along with Gordy and Bob entered the house carrying shotguns. Dodo smiled as he pulled out a large map from his ass and placed it onto the coffee table. He used a walking stick to point out all the points of interest on the map. Dodo's plan was simple, they were going to take down all three of the Halloween demons: the zombies, the clowns, and the scarecrows all tonight! This thing ends tonight!
Sam, Max, and Fatchurd were assigned to deal with the clowns giving Max's massive hatred of them. Bob, Gordy, Monkey, and Fritz were going to deal with the scarecrows. And finally, Colonel Dodo, Captain Hook, and Al were going to deal with the zombies who were beginning to spread across the entire country, and there were even some sightings reported in Oakton City. "Everyone clear on the plan?" Dodo asked rhetorically. It was a dismissal. Everyone made their way out onto the streets and into their respected vehicles which had magically appeared outside as if the vehicles themselves knew that their masters were in danger. It's a big exchange know what I mean? Sam and Max's car suddenly grew wings, and flew them all the way up to Oakton City.
In Oakton City, Ronald and his cronies were running amuck, and has trashed everything. Ronald had completely taken over city hall by turning the entire government into swiss cheese if ya catch my drift. Having had enough fun in Oakton, Ronald decided that the next logical step would be to take on London. He knew that his fellow zombies had already completely taken over the city, but he did not care. Ronald and his clown army were much stronger, and had much better resources which would surly allow for them to win the battle. Sam and Max entered the city, and made their way up to city hall, and upon seeing the pair Ronald ordered his two best clowns to eliminate them. Though incredibly strong, the two clowns were of no match to Sam and Max with Max joking, "I thought this was going to be a challenge!" Sam cracked his fingers as he said, "don't jinx it little buddy." Ronald and his clown posse then proceeded to give chase to Sam and Max who had tempted the mighty McDonald into chasing them for a piece of some nice action. Even in death, Ronald was still a very stubborn clown, and knew fully well that he had to kill these punks. Even if costed him his own immorality. Also, I should mention that Richard Fatchurd had not bothered to accompany the pair in their quest to kill the clowns because quite frankly he was a rather lazy fat bastard without any real flair.
Sam and Max lured Ronald and the clowns to the local McDonalds which Ronald had forbade anyone from raiding. Ronald opened his mouth revealing his teeth to be as sharp as knives as he said. "I could go for a cheese!" Ronald and his cronies burst inside the restaurant but were dismayed to learn that Sam and Max were not there. Ronald turned around however and saw that Sam was standing outside the front door with smug grins on their faces. Sam then gestured his finger towards the sky. Ronald and his fellow clowns looked up, and saw Max on one of the large ceiling lights that hung from the ceiling pushing a huge bathtub of Jammie Dodgers. Jammie Dodgers was a clown's one true weakness, and after the contents of the bathtub fell on them Ronald and his associates crumbled into dust. "Do you have an Albert in a can?" Pennywise joked as he too crumbled into dust. Not so penny wise after all eh? More like penny foolish am I right? Sam and Max then made their way outside and drove back to Fatchurd Manor in order to inform Colonel Dodo of the good news.
The scarecrows were much easier to take care of. Bob, Gordy, Monkey, and Fritz had found all the scarecrows just hanging out at a small rundown barn house located on the outskirts of Greendale. "Could it be the sea of old Greendale?" Bob asked who was very drunk on well we can guess it was wimp rat juice. Suddenly, the scarecrows appeared from outside the barn, and gave chase to the group, Sadly, the group hadn't really thought this far ahead, and so headed towards the actual town of Greendale. While in the town, they hid behind some trash cans outside the local church as Reverend Peter Timms appeared on the scene. "Oh do come inside and pray." Reverend Timms suggested in a rather sinister tone of voice as the group hurriedly made their way inside the church. The scarecrows began storming the church, and tried using a large log of wood to break the door down. The group were busy listening to Timms giving them a mass. Monkey who sat on the very front pew said, "gents I have an idea."
The group including Timms made their way up the steps of the cathedral towards the bell tower. Inside the bell tower, Monkey was ecstatic to learn that there was indeed a huge pot of boiling hot copper which was used to make the bells. Monkey with help from the others pushed the pot towards the edge of the church, and then poured the contents onto the streets outside completely obliterating the entire scarecrow army in the process. Gordy gave Bob a massive hug. You wouldn't think that the pair had been arch rivals for the last 30 something years. Satisfied, Sam made a phone call to Colonel Dodo in order to inform him of the good news. So now that was left was the zombies.
Colonel Dodo, Captain Hook, and Al made their way back to the cemetery, and up towards Peck's now empty grave. and saw that Shadow had left his Bible there during the chaos. Dodo picked the Bible up, and began reciting the prayer that Shadow had used earlier. Suddenly, two large green fleshly arms appeared and pulled Dodo and his friends down towards the underworld. Dodo was going to ask Kibosh and Snivel for some assistance in the matter. Will the bad guys let him do it? I don't know probably. Why are you asking me for?
In the underworld, Kibosh and Snivel were trying their best to make some last minute preparations for a big Halloween themed party which was to be held at Kibosh's scare school. Upon seeing the trio enter the underworld without an invitation, Kibosh turned to face Snivel and asked, "who are these characters?" "I haven't the slightest idea your ghostliness." Snivel admitted. He was quite an ugly little fecker that Snivel was I'll tell you that much! Captain Hook then proceeded to explain the whole zombie sitch to Kibosh who grinned from ear to ear even though he didn't have ears due to an incident up in Owl Creek. An incident he tries his best to forget, but the world does work in mysterious ways. Kibosh then admitted that he acknowledged the fact that the underworld seemed very quiet which was odd since Halloween was typically the loudest day in the entire year for the underworld. "So why do you come to us?" Kibosh asked. "We need some holy water." Colonel Dodo admitted as he then continued with, "holy water is the one true weakness for the zombies. We need to send them all back to where they belong." "Yes but what about the people who were alive before this whole zombie fiasco started?" Al asked confused. Colonel Dodo was stumped. He really hadn't thought this through very well. Thankfully, Kibosh answered for him by saying, "don't worry about that. I'll see to it that they get their souls back." I should also mention that during this exchange Snivel made a wickedly Snivel laugh that made Dodo very angry but he couldn't do anything to remedy the situation since Snivel was after all Kibosh's best friend in the whole entire universe. and I'm sorry but that's still just really sad.
The gang made their way out of the underworld by using the side exit, and arrived at the local holy water factory which was located just north of Strawberry. Grabbing all the holy water they possibly could, Kibosh then inflated himself to become the size of a massive balloon. Dodo and his cohorts including Snivel all climbed on top of Kibosh as they flew high into the evening sky. It was almost midnight, and Halloween was almost at end for a whole nother year. Down on the streets of London, the zombies were dancing to Thriller with Peck Fex leading the ensemble. "Cause this is Thriller! Thriller night. And no one's gonna save you from the beast that's about to strike." Peck and his zombie brethren sang as they made their way through the streets. Colonel Dodo and his friends then began pouring the holy water from their buckets all over the streets of London, and all over the streets of Oakton City and within just ten minutes the entire zombie problem was fixed. Luca Brasi, Peck Fex, MT Bar, and all the others were banished back to the underworld by Kibosh who promised to deal with them later. The newly cured Boris Johnson ran out from 10 Downing Street and proclaimed, "bless you Kibosh! With you, we can make Britain great once again!" With his mistake dealt with, Colonel Dodo requested for Kibosh to fly them back to Fatchurd Manor, and Kibosh responded with a very blunt, "nac oes." The group with the exception of Snivel were then dropped by Kibosh. They fell and fell and fell some more all the while asking no begging for Kibosh to get them a bag of chips.
Somehow, they ended up crashing through the roof of Fatchurd Manor with Colonel Dodo brushing himself off while saying, "well that's a funny way to thank us!" Fatchurd then proceeded to proclaim, "now let's party!" And so, Fatchurd (even though there was a big virus going around) finally got to throw his big Halloween party. One hour later, the guests arrived included Father Shadow, Boris Johnson, General Asquith, Mr Parks, Sir Clooney, Slimy Sausage, Gareth Eggplant, Honey Monster, Hank Hill, the Red & Yellow M&M's along with so many others. Even Big Pete received an invite, and was so grateful for the invite that he thanked Richard Fatchurd personally for doing so. Big Pete stumbled over the flowerily congratulations, and Fatchurd let him know that he was valued. Sitting down at the kitchen table for some delicious pumpkin pie, Colonel Dodo proclaimed at the very top of his lungs, "next year we must have this dinner on my boat! I insist! You can't take any home with you can you?" "No you can't!" Fritz laughed as the clock finally struck midnight, and Halloween was finally over.
The following morning, everyone said their goodbyes. Colonel Dodo offered Captain Hook his old job, but Hook turned him down. Hook then said, "oh don't you see Colonel? You don't need me to settle your accounts. The power was inside you all along." "That didn't help at all." Colonel Dodo said rather nonchalantly as the pair sang their way down the streets holding hands even though Hook had cov.... oh nevermind. Bob meanwhile had a heart to heart chat with Gordy outside on the front porch. Gordy gave Bob his personal assurance that he would no longer see Bobbie. "I was wrong about you." Gordy said to Bob before continuing with, "you showed your true colours last night brother." The two then exchanged a friendly hug before getting pushed aside by Fatchurd and his humongous belly. "That is true enough." Fatchurd said before continuing with, "now will you please get the fuck off my property! Fritz and I have a lot of important work to do." Fritz meanwhile using the step ladder from earlier had began to take all the Halloween decorations down. Halloween was finally over indeed.
Everyone went back to their normal lives. Colonel Dodo had a new sense of self worth and began considering rebuilding Dodo Incorporated. Thanks to his new found self worth, Dodo finally made amends with Hank Hill for destroying his old boat, and told Hank that they should grab a beer together some time. Meanwhile, Father Shadow went back to the priesthood and is trying his absolute best to get a promotion to bishop. Gordy kept his word and stopped seeing Bobbie who still pines for him. Unbeknownst to Bobbie, Bob and Gordy now hang out together at the local bar every Saturday. It was her turn to feel betrayed by her spouse. Colonel Dodo and Captain Hook also finally began keeping in touch, and every Sunday they go to church, and light a candle and pray for the soul of Peck Fex.
And so there you have it, the first ever Halloween funnypasta special. Hopefully these can become a yearly tradition just like the holiday itself. Wouldn't that be something? And so as our beautiful tale draws to a close, I begin to wonder how long until the sea goes down in Yorkshire? I suppose it depends on the weather migrations if ya know what I mean? Now please remember to stay safe these spooky season, and even though the world may still be made out of bricks please enjoy Halloween as you can. My name is Buckie O'Buck Neil, and if you excuse me I'm going to go and eat the last of the pumpkin pie that's left in the fridge. Ooh yeah some nice pumpkin pie. Happy Halloween!
Credited to Bruno Tattagllia
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