How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Shrek
Prologue: The Curious Case of Benjamin ButtShrekt
It was a dark and stormy day, I was laying in my bed reading the latest issue of Nicholas Cage and the Curse of the Stranglizzled Portrick when suddenly there was a knock on the door. "Who is it?" I asked. A voice reminiscent of the one in the intro to the GhostbustersTM8 video game, only at a pitch 2.69M8 percent higher answered: "Hai. There's no time to explain but you're in danger, Benjamin ButtShrekt has finally awakened from his millennia long sleep to reek havoc on the mortals of this plane." "What do we do?" I asked, knowing how serious the awakening of an elder being such as Benjamin was. "To banish Benjamin we must travel to the ancient birthplace of the internet: Gaben's basement." Suddenly the disembodied, earbleeding voice was interrupted by my friend and fellow Faze/Illuminati member, James Woods. James had burst into the room with a magnum and a "stress toy" yelling about how the end was nigh and how Benjamin had raised many shreklings in his awakening. When I heard him speak about shreklings I shat and vomited simultaneously then ran to my closet. I opened it and retrieved The Great Sanic which I proceeded to fuse with, gaining all the speedy powers of Sanic. Unfortunatly I had the side effect of talking like Sanic. "Cam on giys, lat's gu git gabin!" I said in the least Sanic way I could. James Woods nodded and said "It's time to redeem myself for Disney's Hercules!" The disembodied voice chimed in "I liked that movie!"
Part 1: Journey to the Center of Faze
Before we even began to head to Gaben's basement, we had to find a Case Key for CS:GO. The only place to find one those for free, as I was broke and had no life, was Faze Headquarters. We decided to use the BLOOD WHISTLETM8 to get there quicker cause we were kinda lazy fucks. I jammed the blood drenched instrument up my asshole and we flew all the way to the front entrance of the headquarters. I took down one of the guards with my Super Sanic SpeedTM8 and James Woods 360 noscoped the other one with so much grace I yelled "Queeee, sa gud!" and shat myself until I shat out Sanic, losing his abilities as well as his poor speaking skills. "Get Shrekt!" the disembodied voice said. We descended into the base of the most MLGTM7 society in history, taking care not to awaken Bill Cosby from his Odinsleep (we didn't need two eldritch beings causing chaos throughout The Mushroom Kumdom). Suddenly, a monitor in one of the corridors screeched to life with this vid:
After that I unsubbed every youtuber on earth 1 divided by 0 times, unleashing Viacom from the depths of the underworld once again to reek havoc on youtube with copyright claims (great, I unleashed an eldritch being after all). We finally reached the center of Faze, opened the door to the Fazelord's room. What came next I couldn't be prepared for: The Fazelord was David Bowie...
Part 2: David Bowie and the Great Banana
I flew DBZ style at David Bowie, severing his cock in half. He retaliated with a backhand to the face then proceeded to rape the disembodied voice with his now disembodied penis. James Woods summoned an army of Illuminati and fired a rainbow from his ass at Bowie. At first it seemed like David Bowie would win, but he was quickly overwhelmed and brainwashed by the hordes of Illuminarty.
We retrieved a CS:GO Case Key from Bowies Box of Best B8 M8 and escaped before the Illumointaughty turned on us.
Before we escaped though we accidently tripped the aitomatic self-deshrekt sequence. To escape before we all got SHREKT I let out a powerful fart from my left Kneecap. We rocketed out of there just in time as the building collapsed into rubble. Me, James Woods, and the disembodied voice proceeded to skip away. Dontt ask me how a disembodied voice can skip either, the fuck if i know.
Part 3: Return of Sonic.exe
We began our long trek to our destination. On the way we found a McDaniels and decided to get a bite to eat. We sat at literally the shittiest table and waited to be served. It turned out to be a trap though as the waiter was actually Sonic.exe in disguise! I had to think quickly so I threw James Woods at Sonic.exe then began to mercilessly beat both of them. Me and Sonic.exe flew through the roof into the air. I donkey punched him 69 times and he gave me a titty twister. I bit of his ear and he tore out my appendix, I pissed in his eyes and he gave me a colonic irrigation. After much fighting I gain the upper hand, doing a quadruple back flip and kicking him into a cage full of wild, ravenous, Nicholas Cages. They ate him and of course broke out because YOU CANT CAGE THE CAGE. The whole time for some reason the disembodied voice had been dressed up like a sexy cheerleader and was dancing for us. I was quite disgusted by this but took peace in knowing that at least somebody appreciated my fighting skills. Sonic.exe wasn't done though, one of the cages had pooped out his right ear and frim there he regenerated like Cell from Dragon Ball Z. I was too weakened from the last fight so I tagged James Woods in. James, you put up a good fight, but in the immortal words of Sonic: "You were too slow!" James Woods threw 1.47474874 million punches, half of which actually hit, 5.4387 of which actually hurt Sonic.exe. James Woods was pummled by Sonic.exe's penetration (teehee) attack. Luckily he gave me just enough time to charge up my signature attack. The Mondo Super Holy Shit SHREKT Laser of Love and Life, which would completely obliterate that overused croopypoosta character. I fired it at Sonic.exe and it destroyed him completely.James Woods, beaten and battered, had joined the disembodied voice in a skimpy cheerleaders outfit. Disgraceful
Part 4: The Cave of Mutahar
After the humiliating defeat of Sonic.exe we came to perhaps our most dangerous challenge yet: The Cave of Mutahar. Considering Mutahar was an elder trollpasta being in his own rights we decided we couldn't approach him directly. We voted the disembodied voice to go in there and investigate. He protested saying "Fuck da police, I aintt doing it!" Eventually we just beat the shit out of him and he was forced into the cave. He didn't come out for a while so we went in after him. What we found was unbearable, Mutahar was sitting, narrating the death of the disembodied voice as he killed him. "Jerry couldn't bear it, mounds of shit dropped onto him as he was beaten by Mutahar." He narrarated. "Wait, wait, wait. His name is Jerry? The voice has a name?" "Yeah I do asshole, you never bothered to learn it did you?" Jerry the Disembodied Voice said. I flew into the air at Mutahar, but he was too... SOGGY. HA!!! GIT IT GUYS? SOGGY!!!! Anywho Mutahar grabbed me from the air and stuck me up his nostril. We were losing quickly and Mutahar was too powerful. He had already pinned down James Woods before I could charge up my signature attack with a long name. James squealed before Mutahar gave him a wet willy and proceeded to narrarate in great detail how it happened. I managed to escape the nostril of Mutahar before opening a pack of Doritos and pouring a bottle of Mountain Dew into it. I consumed the Dewritos and gained temporary MLG status. I 360 noscoped Mutahar which managed to stun him, allowing us to escape with our lives.
Part 5: Gaben's Demise (Finale M80)
We escaped Mutahar within an inch of our lives before finally reach Gaben's House. It wasntt much, just a shack in a swamp, but this was where we knew we could destroy Benjamin Buttshrekt once and for all. Suddenly, an ambush of shreklings attacked! We fought of the first wave but were quickly overwhelmed by them. It didntt matter much anyway, we were most likely dead, because where shreklings swarm, Benjamin is certainly near. The ground shook as Benjamin Buttshrekt rose over the swamp looking down on us. He knew we were the only ones that could stop him, so he was prepared to destroy us. Knowing that we couldn't possibly take him head on, we ran for the shack, then James Woods stopped. "Go, hurry!" He yelled. "I'll hold him off!" I ran into the shack, knowing James was certainly finished. Me and Jerry went into the shack and located the basement, slamming the key on the door, I managed to break through.We descended down into the pit, preparing for Gaben, then we saw him, dancing in a money shower. We quickly, yanked him out and told him what was happening. He took us to his computer and we got onto the Trollpasta Wiki, using my amazing editing skills I removed Benjamin Buttshrekt from the end of this story.Four great men sacrifice their lives today, the acclaimed actor James Wooden Doll, Gaben, Sonic.exe, and Benjamin Buttshrekt all fought valiantly to defeat Benjamin Buttshrekt, I go to their graves whenever I can and place a bouquet of approximately 12.42069M8 flowers on each of their graves. Illl always remember them... Always...
Epilogue: David Bowie V.S. Patrixx
Now i host underground ring fights featuring: David Bowie and Evil PATRIXX. Payed for by the loominarty.
Credited to KingKruul
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