How My Friend Became a Zombie

Hello guys. Today I will talk about how my friend, Johnny Abatti, became a zombie. Well, he lives here, with me. I teach him to eat meat, not human brains. He wouldn't kill me, because I am his best friend and I know him better than others, so he lose me, he lose everything. The story went like this:

It started two days ago. Me and Johnny were having a little "chit chat". We went to an abandoned warehouse. We didn't went IN the warehouse, because the rumor is spread that it was haunted and there were ghosts and stuff, so we came at the front of the warehouse. There was a man who's sitting on the ground, with a black coat and a black hat. His face was covered with a black hat, so we didn't see his face. He was selling some stuff (a magic hat, some bottle of green acid, a lost Pokemon game, Jerry's Last Farewell cartoon...). We came to him, welcomed him and asked how much that green acid costs. He said:

"Five bucks." He said.

"Okay, mister..." We stood silent because we didn't know his name.

"Mister La Bete Noire." He lifted his head.

It was horrifying. Johnny took camera and photographed him. He shrieked and jumped very high, made a real, fucking noise and vanished into deep space. We were shocked. I was trying to said something funny, but we were very shocked to take a joke. "La Bete Noire" left all stuff, so we decided to take them. But first Johnny said:

"Let's play Rock, Paper, Scissors to see what the heck is in this bottle."

I confirmed, and I won. Johnny drinked all the "juice". He was showing some reactions to that acid. It... It was gross. His skin turned grey, hair turned blue, he vomited and left a big pile of shit like he was taking two packet of laxatives. Some gang came and I hide Johnny in the bushes. They said: "Dafuq was here?" and they fainted. At that time, Johnny woke up and said: "Brains... BRAINS" and he ran to them in un-human speed. He broke their heads and ate their brain. Every time he ate one brain, he took a shit. When they're all being dead, he turned to me and said: "Uhhh... What happened to me? Hey, what happened to them?"

I said in shock: "YOU happened!"

And he said what he always say: "What? I didn't do nuthin'!"

"Maybe you don't know about it because you don't have a BRAIN. Well, you can speak and that's weird." I said like a genius "Hey, maybe we can put your gut into stomach and you can throw shit outta your mouth!"

"That's a great idea! But how will you do that to me?" asked Johnny.

"We just need a scalpel, thread and good 'ol needle!" I said happily.

"And where we can take those things?" asked again.

"In the hospital!" I said.

So I went to hospital, took all those things and I operated. Nothing happened, just a little vomiting, faintings and that's all. When I do that to Johnny, he said:

"Thanks, man! Now I need to practice, but there's no one here. Just me and you-"

"EEEK!" shouted Nannete Manoir, an annoying bitch.

"SHOOT HER DOWN!" I yelled. He throw a shit, the shit flied and she turned around with opened mouth and...

"FIRE IN DA HOLE" Johnny yelled. I was watching with pride how that smelly projectile landed right into her mouth. Also, that was like scene from 2girls1cup. That is Johnny's favourite movie now.

Well, that shit was landed real hard, so she's been knocked out. After 3 minutes she woke up, said "YOU TWO ARE GONNA PAY FOR THIS!!!", took a bottle shard and ran into us. I grab a pipe and swung to her and...

...CRACK, broke her neck. I didn't want to kill her, so I landed a few drops to her mouth. She woke as a zombie and say: "What did you two did to me? WHAT? I will kill you, and et tout le gâteau est allé!" she ran to me, in inhuman speed and I swung the pipe again and...

...CRACK, broke her neck. Unfortunately, she put her head again and jumped to me. Johnny said: "DUCK, HARVEY!" and I did what he told me. He slapped her, and she fainted. 

"Oh, yea! New ability aquired! Falcon punch!" Johnny said.

"Throw her at sewer system. I heard there are crocodiles 'round them."

"Okay- WHOA!" Johnny shocked.

"What's the matter- Oh, God." I almost fainted.

There was some old guy that was like Johnny Abatti: a zombie. We peeked at sewer and he looked to us. Probably me, 'cause he said: "Brains! BRAINS!" 

He swam to us, but too slow because crocodile ate him. He pointed at Johnny and said: "Come to Nevada... Follow the sewer path... Take my airboat-"

And he died. I said to Johnny:

"Well, my bud. You can go to your tribe. You'll miss me and... Come at me bro." I cried.

"Shhh... Don't worry, I'll always be with you. I am not leaving!" Johnny said.

"Really?" I asked.

"Yes, now we can make a sewer house. Like tree house, but just at sewers!" 

"I can't. Sewers are too smelly."

"Then we need a Portal Gun-"

"No, you don't. We'll see it now." I aimed the gun at myself.

"NO" he yelled but that was too late. I shot myself.

He cried over my dead body. But I came behind him and said: "Hello, imbecile! I am a Walrider now!"

Johnny turned his head: "Harvey, is that really you?"

"Yes, now we can make a house." I said happily.

"Can I hug you?" Johnny asked.

"Sure-"

SLAP!!!

"How can you do this to me, you stupid bitch? I wanted to put some air vents to replenish the smell, not to make a suicide! Great, now what? If I were you I will bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla..." he talked to Doomsday.

Well, that was my and his life. We're still friends. And the moral of this story is:

Never EVER buy things from hobos.

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