How the Trix Rabbit Lost His Cool
Why hello there! I didn't see ya come in. My name is Buckie O'Buck Neil! I got a little story to tell you all today. So please come in and sit down on my polar bear rug as I pull out my dusty old book of yarns. I hope you enjoy this little story as it is a tale as old as time and will make question life as a whole. This is story of how the Trix Rabbit lost his cool and turned crazy.
As most of you are aware the Trix Rabbit is the titular mascot for the Post Cereal Trix. Despite being the company's mascot, Trix can somehow never get his paws on any Trix cereal. This is because the kids in the adverts he appears in always go out of their way to stop him from getting his precious cereal. Trix was so desperate for his cereal that he even once sought an alliance with Bugs Bunny. Sadly, Bugs was a right asshole and ate all the Trix for himself like some kind of Manray. The closest Trix ever got to getting his precious cereal was when he killed small time crook Nate Bennet and wore his skin as a disguise. A tactic taught to Trix by the Slitheen Family. Anyways, the plan failed because Trix Rabbit didn't have any milk in his apartment. Why didn't he just buy some milk from the store? Haven't got a fricking clue sorry.
Now that's not to say that Trix was always lost as he has come out on top in the end... once. Yes only once. Trix won a massive race up in Walnut Pass and got to eat some Trix. Sadly the Judge of the competition was Judge Claude Frollo who longed to purge the world of vice and sin. Frollo hated Trix and glared at that rabbit with a sinister glare for the entire time Trix was eating the cereal. This was the first and only time Trix ever succeeded in getting some Trix. So sad. Sorry I just got a little something in my eye.
Trix desired Trix Cereal more than anything else. This was confusing to most people as there were loads of other cereals in the world yet Trix didn't seem interested in any of them. Trix's mate and fellow cereal mascot Lucky found this especially confusing. Lucky would often try and spurn Trix away from his stealing ways. "You got money boyio? Then just buy cereal!" Lucky cried as he downed a jug of Guinness. Oh that sweet poor Irish potato. "No other cereal can live up to the taste of me Trix dear Lucky. The orangey orange and the tasty lemon." Trix said as his mouth began to drool. "That's fricking disgusting." Lucky muttered as he cried into his jacket. Lucky was in trouble with the cops after his drinking buddy Henry Tomasino turned out to be a cop informant.
Over the years, Trix became more and more desperate for his precious cereal. He was falling behind on bills. He did not care however and is far more concerned with making another scheme to get Trix cereal even at the cost of his own expense. Trix had a list of people who had recently bought Trix on a word document on his smelly laptop. He had visited most of the people on the list and had not been successful in stealing cereal from any of them. Trix then saw a name that he did not recognise. It was some fat sweaty mole named Carlos who lived underground because moles do that. Trix felt like this could be his chance.
Trix hid inside a bush which overlooked the garden which Carlos hid underneath. He watched intently as LAPD detectives Cole Phelps and Herschel Biggs showed up with flasks of tea. At that moment, Carlos opened the front door to the den and said, "down here lads!" Carlos then asked, "cup of tea?" "There's the case that makes you and the case that breaks you." Herschel said to the ground as he was quite insane from an addiction to chewits. Biggs and Phelps were let into Carlos' hole. Using a shovel, Trix dug a hole on the far side of Carlos' den.
Trix crawled into the hole only to find that it was the wrong den. The den he had crawled int0o was occupied by none other than Mr Foxy who runs Foxy Bingo. Foxy Bingo is a known scam and several corrupt sons of Magra are supporting it. Floyd Rose a senior LAPD detective supports Foxy Bingo and is on Foxy's payroll for free cups of tea and scones. As soon as he saw Trix, Foxy yelled, "welcome to me den!" Trix ran out of the den while being chased by Foxy who screamed, "I got balls!" Thankfully Foxy was intercepted by his lover Damien Smelly Hound who was dressed as a massive bingo ball. "Blooming heck what's he come dressed as?" Foxy asked Trix who was just as confused as Foxy was. Anyways, Foxy was taken off guard by his lover's sudden appearance which in turn gave Trix Rabbit the perfect opportunity to escape into the den next door.
This den was occupied by Lionel Richie who was singing to a pack of crisps. "First you then me share them together extra crunchy." Lionel then noticed Trix and held the crisp packet up to his face. "Ooh share extra cheesy." Lionel sang before getting thrown out of his window by Trix who yelled, "I want Trix not bloody Walkers!" He picked up his heel and left disappearing into the den next door to Lionel's.
Sadly this was also not the correct den as it belonged to a man named Solomon Gale. Gale forced Trix to eat a disgusting crust of bread which he had clearly gotten from a trash can despite protests to the contrary. The mouldy crust as you might expect gave Trix a bad stomach ache. He had fainted on Gale's sofa while Gale played UNO with his homies Richard Fatchurd and Squidy Gorse. Trix awoke from his slumber twelve hours later and felt fully recovered. He got off from the sofa and made his way towards the exit. However, Trix stopped dead in his tracks when he eyed upon one beautiful sight.
On the top of the kitchen table sat a huge fucking box of Trix Cereal. It was so fucking big. Like legit not even joking it was the size of the Empire State building. Trix licked his lips as he crept on all fours to the box which seemed to glow elegantly in the morning sun. Trix rose up from the floor and reached over to grab the box only to get a slap on his hand by Gale's debt collector and possible hamburger dealer Mr Touch. "No touchy." Mr Touch warned he got out two bowls for himself and Gale to eat from. Trix was then thrown across the room by Solomon Gale who yelled, "yeah you silly rabbit Trix are for kids." "But you're not kids! You guys are adults!" Trix cried but his plea was ignored as Gale and Touch began digging into their cereal. They were making a real mess and were getting shit all over the floor. "Oh who cares? It's just cereal!" Gale laughed as Trix's face turned from upset to down right pissed off.
At that very precise moment all rational thinking had left the rabbit's mind as Trix made his way back to the kitchen table. Gale looked at Trix and laughed before saying, "oh what do you want now Mr Rabbit?" Trix responded to this by throwing Gale down onto the ground. He then proceeded to slam his fist into Gale's cereal bowl. "Silly Rabbit Trix is for kids..." Mr Touch said quietly as Trix ate the cereal from his fist. "They're for whom!?" Trix yelled as he pulled out a fricking handgun and pointed it at Touch's forehead. "Kids? Last time I checked I was on the box!" Trix cried in despair.
Gale meanwhile tried to stand up to which Trix responded by shooting and killing him. Mr Touch tried to make a break for it only to get four shots in the back from Trix's handgun killing him as well. Trix lifted Gale's bowl into the air and then proceeded to pour the contents of the bowl into his gullet. He then did the same with Touch's bowl before downing the entire fricking box of Trix. "I need more!" Trix cried as he reloaded his handgun before running out to the den next door. This den happened to belong to Carlos.
Carlos was in his living room drinking tea with Phelps and Biggs. "I've come for you!" Trix yelled as he grabbed a box of Trix from the kitchen cabinet and began downing it all in one go. "You silly rabbit Trix are for..." Biggs was cut off as Trix slammed his mighty fist of mightiness into Biggs' jaw causing him to fall to the floor in sheer pain. "Get used to it porky. I'm fed up of getting treated like dog shit. It's my time to shine!" Trix proclaimed as he went into the next den for more Trix. For the next two hours, Trix went around the entire garden eating Trix to his heart's content. He had never felt so alive. Phelps and Biggs made an urgent distress call to Police Chief Worrell who put out a manhunt for Trix Rabbit.
Trix made his way outside of the ens and crept his way towards the shop he visited whilst posing as Bennet. He ran into the store and pointed his gun at the manager. "Give me all the Trix you've got buster!" Trix yelled angrily. The manager complied and quickly gave Trix all the cereal he could. Trix used the fire exit to make his way back onto the streets. He stole a cab and drove down the streets of Los Angeles towards his apartment on Yucker Street.
Arriving at his apartment, Trix had himself a feast of unmentionable proportions. It was marvellous. He ate all the cereal he could until he heard a knock at the door. He opened the door to see that Grandpa Joe was standing there waiting to sing for him. "I never thought my life could be... anything but Catastrophey." "Fuck you." Trix as he attempted to shut the door only for Grandpa Joe to yell, "LAPD freeze motherfucker I said freeze!" "You were a cop Joe? Well now I've seen everything." Trix muttered as the SWAT team busted in through Trix's windows.
Trix ran into his bathroom suite and leaped out of the window. Luckily his apartment was on the ground floor of the complex meaning no damage was done. He made his way down the streets towards the LA River Tunnels all the while getting chased down by corrupt cops, mobsters, and smelly gasmen employed by a corrupt agency.
Trix made his way to a house owned by a family of penguins. The father of the house answered the door and spoke very broken Russian. It was so broken that I as the author do not feel inclined to tell you what he said. Cause I'm lazy. Anyways, Trix proceeded to rob the family for all the Trix they've got only to find out that the cereal had long since been eaten by the eldest son Pingu. Yes that Pingu. Trix cried, "great! What am I going to do now?" that's when Trix remembered a house belonging to Mayor Mendez on the far side of the town. Mendez owned a personal stash of 50 boxes. That's where Trix needed to go.
He made his way out of the house after stealing the penguin father's car and drove towards Mayor Mendez's house. Trix's car kept getting rammed into by General R. Asquith who yelled, "stop right where you are dirtbag!" Trix responded to this by ramming Asquith's jeep off the side of the road before arriving at Mendez's house.
Luckily for Trix; Mendez was out fishing with his buddies Pedro and Manuel. He made his way upstairs to Mendez's bedroom which is where he kept his boxes of Trix. Trix opened up a cupboard only to find a man named Luis Sera was being held captive in there. Sera fell to the floor in pain and asked, "you got a smoke?" Trix replied with, "have you got Trix?"
Suddenly, loud stomps could be heard from outside the bedroom as Mendez finally revealed himself. "Perfect... the big cheese." Sera said. He was right as Mendez stunk like mouldy cheese. Mendez grabbed Trix by the neck and began choking him. However, he eventually let Trix go for some reason. "You remind me of a Jack In The Box employee named Benjamin Shulane so I'll let you go. Just don't fuck with my Trix supply or I'll put your head on a stick."
Trix ignored Mendez's warning and made his way downstairs which is where Mendez really kept his supplies. Sadly, Trix learned that this was a trap all along as the entire LAPD was down there waiting for him drinking cups of tea with Mendez and the true mayor of LA Mayor Reynolds. "Who else can keep this town running?" Mayor Reynolds asked as the LAPD once again gave chase to Trix who yelled, "aw shit here we go again!"
Trix was desperate for more Trix and went to the local vegan house owned by Gaston. He had read about the vegan house in a newspaper which stank of noodles. Bad ones too. Inside the vegan house, Gaston was depressed as he was suffering from severe constipation despite Lafou trying to get him to take laxatives. "Gaston you've got to take more laxatives!" Lafou pleaded which sadly led to him getting hit across the room by Gaston.
Trix arrived and saw a beautiful sight. There on the buffet table sat 1000 boxes of Trix which had been supplied to Gaston by Kenny Petrovic the most powerful Russian mob boss in Empire Bay. He ran towards the buffet table only to get grabbed by Gaston's goons. They lifted Trix high up into the air and then pulled him all the way up to Gaston's face. "No one eats Trix like Gaston drinks milk like Gaston no one as incredibly constipated as Gaston." The group sang as they accidentally threw Trix out of the vegan house's window.
Trix was getting pissed. The vegan house and Mendez fiasco had been nothing but filler. He needed some more Trix and fast. He saw an old lady driving in her mini at two miles per hour. This could be his chance. He ran up to the old lady and yanked her out of the car GTA style. He then shot her in the head before saying, "silly Grandma Trix are for rabbits." Trix said as he made himself comfy inside the mini. Sorry folks this appranately can't last as Trix's pursuers began driving after him again.Somehow, Trix was able to arrive at the LA River Tunnels as a car pulled up in front of him.
Police Chief Worrell emerged from the car as five more squad cars appeared on the scene. "So you've finally lost it then Tricky?" Worrell asked as he made his way towards Trix as thunder began to violently pour. "Guess I have Chief but at least I've got principles." Trix said as Worrell's backup got out from their cars. "You think you'll get out of the tunnels alive do ya son?" Worrell asked as Trix responded with, "I think I will Chief. I'm a difficult rabbit to get rid of." Worrell laughed evilly before saying, "alright Tricky I'm listening what's your offer?"
It all worked out just fine. Trix Rabbit was moved to North Yankton where he got a new identity under the name Sera Johnson. Worrell meanwhile was protected from his corruption being exposed to the press who wished to press charges against him. The deaths of the people in the tunnels was covered up under shady circumstances. Phelps tried to find out about the true cause of the deaths only to get sadly swept away by smelly poo water.
Trix Rabbit was once a cool rabbit but now he's lost it. He's become part of the very thing he tried to prevent. An addiction to Trix cereal. He had spent his entire life trying to get Trix cereal and in the end it's what drove him into insanity. Readers I'd recommend leaving some Trix out on your doorstep at night so the rabbits can eat it. That's the only way that we can truly prevent Trix Rabbit from coming to your front door with a bat.
Oh and before I forget this story was sponsored by PG Tips. Click the link in the description for some free tea. You'll get no tea but a free Parker pen just for inquiring. You'll also receive a free computer which doesn't work and has a picture of a smelly old dude on the screen. He'll smile at you until you learn to change your ways and propose to that girl who once smiled at you through a window six years ago. That's all you can truly do. Goodbye for readers I'll see you in the next pasta.
Credited to Bruno Tattagllia
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