How to Train Your Dick

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Good mornin' folks. I'm Randy Analson here, and I'm gonna show y'all men and women how to train yer own dick. Jus' ter be clear, dis shit ain't no guide to grow yer own dick the size of the Eiffel Tower. Naw. Naw, this guide be fer men with dicks the size of the goddamn Ol' Mississippi River or dem men with dicks smaller than one of those fancy-schmancy subatomic particles dem bitches be pumpin' out in the LHC or some shit like that.

STEP ONE: Treat yer dick like a friend. Pat it, stroke it, give it a back rub. Now, some of dem people might call this shit masturbation, but yer doin' this for yer dick, not yer self. Feed it stuff: the urethrer is actually a mouth-hole. I need a volunteer. Junior! Bubba! Go grab that guy jacking off in the corner!

Okay, look here folks. I got his dick, and I have an orange. Now, lemme stuff it into his urethrer—

"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH HOLY FUCKING SHIT OH GOD HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK MY LIFE!!!!" OH MY DICK!!!! HOLY FUCK!!!!"

*dick explodes*

Wait. Shit. Dammit, we killed him. Oh well, can't let this orange go to waste.

*munch munch* 

STEP TWO: This might be the most painful step. You must place your own dick in a blender while it is still attached to your body. After all, what doesn't kill your dick makes it stronger, able to win the cockfighting tournaments! Another volunteer? How about the guy having anal sex with himself?

Let me carefully insert his dick in the blender... aaaannd...

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"

Dick smoothie, anyone?

STEP 3 COMING SOON

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