Hungry Hungry Hippos?
Everybody knows about the classic board game, Hungry Hungry Hippos, but did you know that it wasn't always intended to be the way it is? Cartoon hippos swallowing balls may sound like a blast, but the truth of the matter is that the game has dark, dark origins.
What a lot of people don't know about the game's creator is that it wasn't actually Fred Kroll, but a certain other man who shall remain nameless. For the sake of making this narration less confusing, I'll call him Mr. J. He was short, Austrian, and had a distinct mustache that was easily the most readily identifiable feature on his face. A lot of people thought he was a normal, kinda passive-aggressive, stressed out 40-year old family man, but there was some shocking truths about him that a lot of people don't know. You see, Mr. J was from an abusive family, and because of that, he had one of those Jared Fogle complex and and ultimately wound up in jail for years until he died. He would've already been locked away forever for something else though, even if he hadn't done that. Now, I haven't heard of him doing this to minors or anything, but he used to... well... take out his anger on his lovers. It must take some really fucked up impulses to consistently do horrible things to someone you really love, but, well...
Mr. J had a chamber. He made it himself, and it was shut off by creaky doors that he'd bar off so that nobody could escape. His sexual partners would become his prisoners. There were so many reports from visitors, and neighbors... of shrilling screams. Cries for help. Unfortunately, most of these people inexplicably kept their suspicions to themselves until they were interviewed.
When the police finally got wind that something strange was going on... they couldn't believe what they saw... and smelled.
Human bodies. Several of them. Rotted away, to the bone. And then they found one fresh kill...
... everything looked normal, until they checked down below...
... his scrotum had been removed. Not by a knife, but by something else.
They ultimately concluded that it was... teeth.
Human teeth.
The police ultimately decided to keep this quiet. If someone had caught wind that they were unable to stop this strangely perverted serial killer from committing his nutrageous... outrageous deeds, the public would lose their faith. Instead, they paid all of the neighbors and visitors they could find considerable hush money, in addition to issuing threats that the police were so powerful that if anyone squealed... there would be hell to pay.
And now, I will answer the obvious question: how do I of all people know about this? I used to work at the Milton Bradley toy factory. After being told of the rumors by my manager, I decided to check some small rooms that are normally locked. I admit that I stole some keys, but since we didn't have any real security at the time, I knew I wasn't going to get in any trouble if I just returned them in the morning. Anyway, I found a room that was strangely barred by wooden planks, though they came off pretty easy. I lifted them, then turned the key in, and after some ominous creaking... I searched through some old, abandoned board game boxes, looking for answers.
And when I did... well...
One box said 'Hangry Hangry Hippos'... you know, like when you're hungry and angry at the same time? And the other...
'Help Me Help Me' Hippos.
The title was written... in fresh blood.
I let out a scream. I was holding the Help Me Help Me Hippos box, but in sheer terror I dropped the box and the contents spilled out. Yes, miniature plastic hippo toys fell to the floor... as well as something much, much worse. The experience has left me emotionally terrified to this very day.
Testicles.
Fresh testicles.
I held my nose to block out the smell. Clearly, someone, some employee at this factory was continuing Mr. J's horrific X-rated deeds! Knowing that I didn't have it in me to pick up dead people's testicles, I left the mess on the floor and made way for the exit...
... but right before I could reach the way out... the door slammed shut. And I could hear the wooden planks returned.
In the lengthy time that followed, someway, somehow, no one heard me screaming and pounding on the door. Horrible hunger pangs hit me when I ran out of food. I'm not going to tell you what I ate, because I don't have it in me to say it... think of the most disgusting answer, and you probably got it right. I opened up box after box of Help Me Help Me Hippos toys, and box after box contained... well, instead of little white plastic balls, real balls. I asked myself what my mother would think if she knew her little boy had grown up to subsist off of what I subsisted off of, but when survival instincts kick in, you simply no longer care.
Days had passed. I grew a scraggly old man beard that made me look like a Hogwarts wizard. I felt ill, and had been drinking my own urine because there was no way I could access a water supply. I was actually in the middle of cupping my own piss with my hands, using my cock as if it were a makeshift fountain, when I heard the door open up. When I looked, a police officer was staring at me, smiling. Not a sinister one, but a normal one. Seeing me naked and drinking my own pee didn't seem to phase him at all.
"I can guess who heard the rumors.", he stated. I nodded, weakly. I was amazed that someone took pity on me and didn't let me die in there. Perhaps I could have contributed to the freshest supply of game balls. So many pairs had gone rancid in the time that I was in there...
As for me now, I live in a trailor. I still drink my piss from time to time out of habit, and because my dignity has largely been shattered and I no longer care enough to put in the effort to grab a fresh glass of water. The cops pay my rent and utilities in return for me not saying a damned thing, but I decided that I couldn't live like this anymore, which is why I'm telling you now.
The only question left is how I should go. But the answer to that is simple. While I tell you this, I have a knife in one hand, with my microphone in the other.
I'm so sick of balls...
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Credited to DaveTheUseless
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