I PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE
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NSFW WARNING
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I was masturbating in my front yard when the police walked up to me and said...
Cop: What the hell do you think your doing?
Me: Beating off furiously!
Cop: I need to ask you to stop. Neighbors have called and complained.
Me: What exactly was the complaint? Was it because I was screaming the Pledge Of Allegiance? The only reason I screaming the Pledge Of Allegiance was because no one else is here to so it for me.
Cop: Sir the complaint was about you furiously masturbating in your front yard.
Me: Would you please let them know I'm almost finished? Also if you don't mind please scream the Pledge Of Allegiance at me.
Cop: I PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE
Me: *Furiously Beating My Meat *
COP: TO THE FLAG
Neighbors start to congregate by the police cruiser.
Me: *Beating of meat intensifies.
Smack Smack Smack of my meat being beat suddenly combines into a constant hum that's comparable to the sound of a hummingbird.
COP: OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
Me: I arch my back and thrust my hips toward the neighbors. My arm is a blur as the hum starts getting louder. Think to myself I wish Mother was here to see this.
COP: AND TO THE REPUBLIC FOR WHICH IT STANDS
Neighbors look confused but are very patriotic so they put thier hand over thier heart and join in saying the Pledge.
COP and NEIGHBORS: ONE NATION UNDER GOD
ME: The hum of my meat music has almost drowned out the sounds of the Pledge. The meat music hum has started hurting my ears. The cops sunglass lens crack as do his vehicles windows.
Windows in the surrounding homes explode outwards and birds fall from the sky dead because of the supersonic hum of my beating meat.
COP and NEIGHBORS: WITH LIBERTY AND JUSTICE FOR ALL
ME: Time slows, I glance at the cop and my neighbors tears flow down my face as I ejactulate while counting to 10 out loud in Spanish.
UNO DOS TRES....
The Cop salutes me then pulls his gun from his holster and commits suicide.
Now that my missions complete and the cop is "gone" I get dressed turn to go inside and all of a sudden the sounds of cheering fill my ears!
This is the closest I'll ever get to performing in front of a studio audience and I'll take it.
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