I Went to the Forest to Meditate but Encountered a Gigantic Wise and Ancient Dildo Instead
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NSFW WARNING
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Hi everyone haha. So, basically like the title says: I went to the forest the other day to meditate, but instead I encountered an ancient dildo-sage, who imparted wisdom on me. Because it was wise.
I know you're reading this and thinking, "wow, why would he go into the forest to meditate?" I mean, that's gotta be your biggest question right? Well life kind of has been biting me in the ass (kinky lmfao) and I wanted to get some fresh air and ticks and maybe get attacked by a cicada.
So there I was, meditating in the forest, ohm-ing the shit out of things when suddenly I heard this deep booming voice say, "What are you doing, my child?" I whirled around looking for the source of the voice. Everything in the forest went completely silent and I was a little weirded out. I was completely sober so I knew I wasn't hallucinating.
"Who's there?" I asked.
"Over here." The voice came from everywhere and nowhere. But I finally noticed the giant black dildo suction cupped to a tree? Could that be the source of the voice? It was almost two feet long and about as thick as a really thick roll of bread.
"Why have you chosen my forest to meditate?" the dildo asked.
"I just... needed a break, s-sir. Wanted to clear my mind."
"Dear boy," the dildo said as it un-suctioned itself from the tree. "You don't need leaves and the great outdoors to clear your mind." Then it suctioned itself to my face and I started screaming and the birds started chirping and the cicadas started buzzing. "I can succ your brain out of your ear instead."
"But this is my forehead," I told it in a whisper. I was shaking like a leaf going through withdrawals.
"Do you think I have eyes?" the dildo asked. "If I did, I would have ended my own life thousands of years ago. All of the things I've been in. The horrors I've seen. I have a better plan."
"What is it?"
"I will transfer my powers to you, and you shall become the next great dildo monk."
I thought about it for a moment. "Can I document this?" I asked. I tried to sound smart. And of course, 'document' means to post here on Reddit.
"Indeed. I know this way of life is not for everyone. I expect you to think or pray about it first, boy."
I nodded and began typing this out. I'm going to ask my parents what they think. I have nothing to lose, honestly. So, what do you guys think? Should I leave this pathetic human vessel and become a wise giant dildo? Or go back to my lonely life as a pathetic human vessel?
Credited to mysticaltater
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