In Flanders We Trust

Ever had to deal with an annoying family? Well I have for I come from a long diverse family history of complete and utter simpletons. I guess that I should probably explain some things. My name is Lord Thislewick. I shall not give you my last name for that must remain a surprise for a big twist which will happen later. I guess that's some foreshadowing isn't it? Anyways, as I said before, I come from a very weird family. My family are all a bunch of criminals while I am the only sane and intelligent one. I attended Yale University in my youth while all my siblings studied at Lampwick University: the worst university in the whole ducking world. Also, by the by, I don't swear ever. So lucky for you, this will be a very wholesome story.

My brother Johnny is a caporegime for the Cuneo Crime Family. He got kicked out of Lampwick for selling Jammie Dodgers to local rug merchants. After getting kicked out of university, Johnny fell in with Carmine Cuneo, and joined the ranks of Cuneo's family as a trusted enforcer. As the years passed, Johnny proved himself to be an incredibly talented and dangerous retainer which led to him getting promoted. Johnny and his crew operate out of the foundry in North Millville, and he often tries his best to get me involved in his criminal activities, but me being a cultured man of culture have no interest in such things. Johnny was supported in his criminal affairs by our father who is a member of the Montgomery Redevelopment Fund. Also, my father has a serious problem with his teeth, and is unable to close his mouth to hide them. There are as sharp as knives, and he had gained a rep in Empire Bay for being the master of wood. This because as a child my father had been raised by a beavers in Alaska. I would say I feel sorry for my father, but I'm afraid that I would be defying my good nature by doing so.

Aside from my father and my brother, I also have an uncle named Captain Frosty Mug who isn't really my uncle. He's more of a family friend, but we call him uncle because of a hole in the satellite picture. The ice we skate is getting pretty thin after all. Captain Frosty Mug runs the local milkshake academy, and several aspiring milkshake makers have been mentored under Frosty Mug most notably being SpongeBob and Richard Bagg. My dear uncle Frosty Mug also has an incredibly intense fear of making milkshakes due to an incident which occurred in the 1970's. Back then, Frosty worked at a milkshake bar in Bikini Bottom. He was famous for making the best milkshakes in the entire city. One day, a customer asked Frosty Mug for a milkshake, and Frosty responded with, "you've tried the rest. Now try the best!" However, the machine ended up jamming causing the entire thing to blow, and the entire bar to become a mess of chocolate milkshake. After this incident, Frosty Mug using his early retirement funds bought an old abandoned army barracks, and turned it into the now acclaimed milkshake academy. He's still deathly afraid of milkshakes, and I in my expert opinion I believe he always will be. So sad.

Now moving on from discussing family members, lets dig into the real meat and potatoes of this story. The Cuneo Family are heavily involved in the sales of pirated DVD's, and this perhaps their biggest money maker along with selling bottles of milk to the couple who met through buying cornflakes and milk. Do you remember what happens when you eat Kellogg's Cornflakes? I sure don't anyway. Now, Johnny thanks to his high-ranking status in the family has been able to get his hands on some real sweet DVD's. In fact, Johnny managed to get his hand on a really sweet pottery making DVD which had been previously only available in the smelly state of Rome. This pottery DVD is said to endower anyone who watches it the power of turning the sea into cement. I had always had a keen interest for pottery, and tried stealing it from Johnny, but he caught me in the act. I was however able to get away with it by paying Johnny a small fine of 60 grand. What an incredibly generous fine! Now one day, Johnny received a DVD from his boss Carmine which supposedly contained an episode of The Simpsons which was said to be so disturbing so unbelievably wicked that it actually caused a couple in Turkey to turn into penguins. Not really sure how that works, but I'm sure that it was charming to be with them!

I never really liked The Simpsons, and always found it baffling how such dull of a programme could have turned into such a cultural phenomenon that the world had never seen before up until that point. I never liked the show, and was always annoyed whenever my uncle Frosty and my brother would always reference the show. My father was also a HUGE fan of The Simpsons, and every Tuesday night goes into the city wearing a horrible looking Homer costume. It looks so scary, and the mouth of the costume looks torn as if someone tried to tear the costume apart but died before they could so. Also, the costume stinks like a chicken tikka masala. Now even though I dislike The Simpsons, I must admit I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little bit interested by this supposedly ultra disturbing episode. I mean how bad could it possibly be? Have you seen some of the Treehouse Of Horror episodes? Those were most certainly darker than whatever this episode could possibly be. So I decided in my upmost wisdom to ask if I could watch the DVD with Johnny. He agreed, and that afternoon, after finishing work, I headed home to my house in Highbrook. Well it was more like a mansion in all honesty.

At home, I found that Frosty Mug was doing some gardening while my father chilled on a sun lounger listening to the beats of the jungle. "So what's the sticky wicket?" I asked while making my way up onto the front porch. "I wish you didn't talk like that boyio! Why can't you just talk normally like your brother Johnny?" Captain Frosty Mug asked in an annoyed tone. He did have a cherry shoved up his butt, so I can't really blame him in all honesty. I then proceeded to ask about the DVD, and upon learning that it was a Simpsons DVD both my father and Captain Frosty Mug demanded to watch it with me. We made our way into the estate in order to watch this DVD. Johnny meanwhile was in the living room trying to open a can of Heinz Baked Beans. A couple of hoods from the Cuneo Family were also there presumably to act as Johnny's bodyguards. As soon as he saw me, Johnny ran up to me and punched me right in my £200 tweed jacket. "Hey where ya been kid? We wasn't expecting ya or anything." Johnny said in that arrogant New York accent. He had always been a very violent man for he once stole a milk truck up behind the Palace of a King. Know what I mean?

So, I then began setting the DVD by placing it into the PlayStation 3. It was just a blank DVD disc which had a horrid picture of Ned Flanders on it. It was drawn in mint sauce, and it smelt really gone off. I resisted the urge to vomit, as the DVD began setting itself up. Arriving at the menu menu, I found it to look not quite right. It had a horrifying picture of Honey Monster eating some Honey Waffles during an incredibly boring but still very important board meeting. There was only one option which read, "play episode." I clutched the controller tightly in my smelly hands as I clicked it.

There was another commercial which had Sylvester Stallone sitting in his office. He was talking about a brand new movie he was planning on making. "Picture this: I play a baker for Warburton's Bread." This then cut to show Stallone arriving at Warburtons HQ, and began helping the bakers make some dough. After making all the bread they could, Stallone proclaimed, "it's baker break time!" Stallone and his team got into their respective delivery trucks, and began speeding across the entire country in order to deliver freshly cooked bread loafs to people right on their doorstep. Also at one point during the commercial, Stallone was shown running over the top of some cars and his face looked so determined to deliver that bread, that I must admit I cried hard onto Frosty Mug's shoulder. "Oh you stupid little bullocks! Look at the screen! The episode is starting!" Frosty Mug yelled angrily as I forced my head to face the screen which was now showing the theme song to The Simpsons. As you might expect, the theme just wasn't right.

First of all, the music sounded like it was done on a keyboard which had broken keys. During the chalkboard gag scene, Bart wrote, "vote Rabe Maniels," over and over again. I mean how could that be anything other than a political statement? I licked my teeth like a mad man as Bart hopped on his skateboard and began skating outside the school. However after jumping down the school steps, Bart ended up falling through the ground never to be seen again. Also, later during the part where Marge and Maggie are driving, they ended up crashing into Ned Flander's house. Ned didn't seem to care and just looked smelly, The theme song then ended abruptly, as the episode began with an outside view of Ned Flander's house. Oh great! I'm being sarcastic if you couldn't already tell because I'm quite a fiend if you don't mind me saying.

I guess I should probably explain that I can't stand Ned Flanders. In my expert opinion, he is the worst character in the entire show! I can't stand his constant jabbering as it makes me want to vomit out a dog. So, inside the house, Ned Flanders was shown sitting inside his sitting room moping about the fact that he was now a double widower due to the deaths of Maude Flanders and Edna Krabappel. He got up from his chair, and made his way over to the sitting room window. He said, "I must do something. I must do something to show the world that I care." That's when Flanders because he's just a religious nutcase decided to head to the church to do some hardcore. However, when Flanders arrived at the First Church of Springfield, he was dismayed to learn that the entire church was in shambles. There was a bulldozer which was knocking down the entire building.

Confused beyond any reasonable measure, Flanders went up to see Reverend Lovejoy who was trying his best to salvage something from the rubble in order to ask what was happening. "Didn't you hear the news Ned?" Reverend Lovejoy asked before continuing with, "Mayor Quimby has ordered the destruction of the church claiming that there aren't enough religious people in Springfield to help qualify the need for a church." "Well that's a load of horseshoe Reverend, you and I both know that." Flanders said as Lovejoy then offered to give Flanders a lift in the Bible burning truck which Lovejoy referred to as the Lord's Chariot. While riding down the busy streets of Springfield, Flanders asked if it was possible to build another church in secret. "Patience my child." Lovejoy said in a rather smug tone of voice. Unbeknownst to Flanders, Lovejoy was actually happy when he learned that the church had been destroyed as he no longer had to deal with Ned's antics. Also unknown to Flanders, Lovejoy was going to be moving from Springfield in order to join a church up in Shelbyville. He was moving there tonight. Arriving back at the Flanders residence, Lovejoy threw Flanders out of the truck as he said, "don't come and ride in the Lord's Chariot!" Lovejoy then began speeding down the roads laughing as he did so. However, his joy was cut short after he ended up crashing into a tree killing him instantly. An eye for an eye I say!

Now back home, Flanders once again sat down in his sitting room pondering about the church's destruction, and his questions about opening a new church to Lovejoy. He wondered if there was anything inherently wrong with doing that. So, Flanders then headed upstairs to his bedroom, and began making some phone calls. He called some of his religious buddies from out of town, and asked it they would like to join him in building a brand new secret church. Within the hour, Flanders' house was filled with people who had never been on the show before. Some of the people in attendance were priests and bishops. Flanders after serving some drinks then began relaying his plan to the party who grinned widely with every detail they heard.

Flanders had decided to use his entire house as the base for his secret church. He had not bothered putting up a sign or making the house look like a church in order to prevent Quimby from finding out about it. Knowing that he needed the best security in town, Flanders hired Snakes Jailbird to act his guard. Snakes guarded the house like it was his own child, and beat up anyone who came within 5 feet of the house with no intention for praying, Mind! I may have been inclined to say that Snakes' actions were a bit heavy handed, but I am not one to make such harrowing accusations. I'm just a little too respectful. The sitting room of the house was converted into a church, and all the chairs and tables were replaced with pews. Flanders had even managed to carve one of his wooden kitchen chairs into an altar. With some help, Flanders was able to convert his normal boring windows into stain glass ones. Flanders' very first secret service was set for the following Sunday.

That Sunday, all the religious people in Springfield arrived at the Flanders residence including Dr Hibbert, Supernintendo Chalmers, Seymour Skinner, Agnes Skinner, Comic Book Guy, Barney Gumble, Grampa Simpson, the grieving widow Helen Lovejoy, Bumblebee Man for some strange reason, and even Dr Melvin Monroe. That's when the Simpson family arrived on the scene excluding Homer of course. When Homer had learned about the destruction of the church, he had been delighted thinking that he no longer needed to wake up early on a Sunday anymore. However, when Marge told Homer about Ned's plans to build a secret church, Homer had made it very clear to Marge and the kids that he would not be attending. This angered Flanders greatly. He had after all put a great deal effort into making this secret church look as authentic as possible, and Homer just laughed at his plans. Ned Flanders then grabbed his Bible off the altar, and decided that the pesky Simpson needed to be taught a lesson in manners.

Meanwhile, Homer was busy just chilling on the sofa watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse when he heard a knock at the door. Knowing that it was probably his family asking for him to reconsider coming to the secret, Homer decided to ignore it. Big mistake! However, the door then burst open as Flanders and Snakes began making their way into the living room where Homer upon seeing Flanders asked, "ah what do you want Flanders?" He then began laughing hysterically for some reason, and this caused Flanders to say in a cold dark voice, "you better stop laughing." The change in him was so extraordinary that the smile vanished from Homer's face. Flanders was not tall, but he was incredibly heavily built and his mere presence seemed to radiate some danger. It only took two seconds for Homer to realise that he was in trouble, He tried his best to apologize to Flanders, but it was too late as Snakes grabbed Homer by the neck, and began dragging him out the front door. Homer was brought inside the Flanders residence, and was tied to one of the pews. Satisfied that his secret church was now complete, Flanders proceeded to give his very first sermon.

It was very boring, and as you might expect Homer ended up falling asleep mid service. However, he wasn't the only one to fall asleep as Barney and Comic Book Guy had also fallen asleep. Flanders upon seeing this grew angry, and headed over to the far side of the room. Once there, Flanders reached inside one of the draws, and pulled out a golden cross which had spikes on it. It was time for the odds to be put in his favour. Flanders then proceeded to go behind Barney, and slammed the spiked cross right into his forehead killing him instantly. The whole secret church screamed in terror waking up Homer and Comic Book Guy. All the church goers tried their best to break down the front door, but they just couldn't do it. Before they could even react, a really smelly green gas entered the room which caused all of them to collapse onto the floor as Flanders sang, "now the day is nearly done, it's time to say goodnight!"

Six hours later, the Simpson family and other residents of Springfield found themselves all wearing religious garbs. Some people like Homer were dressed as priests, the women including Marge were nuns, and the others like Skinner were dressed like bishops. Meanwhile, the children including Bart and Lisa were forced to light the candles, and not the rat if you catch my drift. It's just like it's just like a mini mall! Upon looking around the room at their surroundings, Lisa came to deduce that the residents of Springfield were all trapped in Ned's basement. A loud clap noise could be coming from behind Lisa as Ned Flanders appeared on the scene. Snakes stood behind Ned with a smug grin forming on his face. Meanwhile, Ned's face was a gargoyle of the devil, and it had sheer insanity written all over it. Lisa tried her best to argue why what Ned was doing was against the law, but Flanders did not care as he said, "the past must be paid for little Simpson." Suddenly, the door to the basement opened again as Hans Moleman came down the stairs and asked, "did I miss the service?" "Blasphemously!" Flanders yelled as he forced Homer to throw Moleman into the furnace. "Ain't that a little drastic?" Homer asked as Flanders pulled out a knife from his pocket and threatened, "do what I ask or I'll cut your throat." So, Homer did just that and threw Hans Moleman into the furnace. "Oh my it's hot in here!" Moleman cried as he melted into the flames. It was quite funny actually. I must admit I did do a small throat laugh at it... actually no I tell a lie I ended up bursting out laughing. This caused Frosty Mug to glare at me as he said, "dude that's cold bro."

Anyways, Flanders then began going off on all the citizens of Springfield which was very reminiscent to that scene from, "Hurricane Neddy," where Flanders also had an intense go at the citizens of Springfield for messing up everything. However, this rant was much longer and no one in the room was spared from Ned's rant. He insulted Superintendent Chalmers by saying, "you seriously thought those hamburgers from Krusty Burger were steamed hams! You seriously believed that Skinner had the entire aurora borealis located entirely within in his kitchen." "SKINNER!" Chalmers yelled at the very top of his lungs as Skinner said rather sheepishly, "now Sir I can explain." However, before Skinner could a chance to explain the reason behind the whole steamed ham fiasco, Flanders had him and Chalmers knocked out by Snakes. Flanders then proceeded to explain that Mayor Quimby had been taken care of by the Springfield Mob who now owed their allegiance to Flanders thanks to a deal struck between him and Fat Tony. Homer then asked, "so why are we all dressed up in fancy outfits then?" "Well I'm glad you asked Homer." Flanders answered as he then continued with, "allow me to share with you my ultimate plan."

The plan was a very devious one. Flanders planned on converting Springfield into a completely religious community. The town was going to be renamed, "Flandersville," with Flanders becoming the new Mayor. All of the residents in Springfield would be forced to work at the secret church. Knowing that there were too many people just for one church, Flanders had spent the last six hours while everyone was sleeping converting every house in Springfield into a church. Also, Flanders had not only elected himself as Mayor, but he had also elected himself as the new Pope. He had also taken extra precautions in order to make sure that no one stood in his way. Mr Burns refused to intervene with Flanders' plans in any way as he was getting paid in buckets of sand, and when Smithers tried his best to learn more about what Flanders was up to: Ned responded by having him killed. The sly Christian fox had thought of everything!

The episode then showed a montage of everyone living out their new lives in the newly renamed Flandersville. Flanders became Pope and Mayor all in the same day, and he made Snakes his chief enforcer. The Italian Mob owed allegiance to Flanders, and he used this to traffic his Bibles and religious views into Shelbyville. Homer was forced to work for Flanders as his servant, and the rest of the Simpson Family were now under Ned's complete control. Now in control of Springfield, Flanders sat in his new mansion which overlooked the entire town as he said, "the world is finally mine neighbourino!" And with, the episode ended with the normal credits. The music that played during the credits was the song, "Take Me To Church," by Hozier.

There was a post credit scene however which featured Flanders staring at the screen with a very angry expression. He then moved out of the way of the screen revealing a man to be standing behind him. It wasn't Snakes. No it was some random fat guy wearing a potato sack on his head, and carrying a chainsaw. This chainsaw man began charging at the screen with his chainsaw as he yelled, "aaaaaaaah!" "What's happening?" Frosty Mug asked confused as did Johnny and my father. Flanders and the chainsaw man climbed out from the television, and upon seeing me Flanders said, "nice to see you cousin." "What the... what are you talking about you crazy fool?" I asked confused which caused my father to spit out some steam as he said, "perhaps you should sit down." I sat down on an armchair located on the far side of the room, and ended up sitting on a woopie cushion. This caused Johnny to spit out his tea. He had not expected for the fart to be that loud, and in retrospect, neither did I.

My father pulled up a barrel as he began to tell me a story. You see; my father was not my biological father, no my real father had been a famous art scholar who had grown up in Springfield, and attended Yale University just like yours truly. Upon leaving university, my real father had a one night stand, and this resulted in my birth. I was then abandoned on a small street corner, and I was then adopted by my newly revealed stepfather. It was then explained to me that my biological father was a member of the Flanders family, and was one of Ned Flanders' distant cousins from across the sea. I looked over to Flanders, and that's when I began to realise just how similar we really did look. I looked exactly like him, but I just had a bit more calmness and sophistication in how I represented myself. After hearing all of this, I asked my father, "why did you only tell me this now?" "I dunno." My father said as he began smoking a pipe. Flanders meanwhile then proceeded to hand me a shotgun as he said, "go on my cousin teach this old fuck a lesson." Yes, I lied earlier about there being no swearing in this story because as I said earlier I'm quite a bastard. Well I didn't word it exactly like that, but whatever the point remains the same.

I pointed the shotgun right at Johnny as Johnny said, "I'll tear you apart bro!" "I'm just doing something that should have been done a long time ago." I said as I then brought the shotgun to bear on the chainsaw guy who upon looking at his name tag learned that his name was Dr Salvador. Dr Salvador revved up his chainsaw, and began charging towards me but I managed to fire a shotgun shell right into his potato sacked head killing him instantly. Meanwhile, Johnny pulled out a revolver but he was tackled to the ground by Flanders. Meanwhile still, Captain Frosty Mug headed up to our house's milkshake maker, and began making himself a chocolate milkshake. "Oh dear!" Frosty Mug cried in despair as the machine began shaking violently and making horrifying sounds. "Hey what's the matter Luigi?" Johnny asked as Frosty Mug proclaimed, "it's gonna blow take..." He was cut off as the machine did indeed end up exploding causing the entire house to become a mess of milkshake and machine bits.

I got up off from the floor, and brushed myself off as I realised that Flanders had been killed in the explosion, and I farted on his face as I said, "time to set it off time to set it off." We buried Flanders in the backyard. Meanwhile, Dr Salvador had survived the shotgun blast and explosion somehow made peace with us, and then returned home to his village in the rural mountains of rural Spain. Well that's certainly a lot of rural isn't it peeps? Back in the village, Dr Salvador got a respectable job as a doctor, and then learned that the village had changed since his depature. The villagers didn't claim to know his name, but Salvador was able to gain their trust by building some new stain glass windows for the church. The old windows were a little bent out of shape like some kind of rat, and that's just sad.

Everything went back to normal after this, I got a job as a lecturer over at Lampwick University, Johnny went back to running things for the Cuneo Family, the two bodyguards who had been present during the episode got married in a private ceremony attended by some highly respected people including Mr Parks, Sir Clooney, Foxy from Foxy Bingo, and many others. It was a time for big emotions! Also, my father opened up a luxury nightclub in Empire Bay, and even landed a small record deal. A dangerous pass time I know. Captain Frosty Mug thankfully suffered no real PSTD from the incident, but did have to use a wheelchair for the time being, which is nice.

Now in regards to my feeling towards that Simpsons episode, I thought that it was pretty entertaining in all honesty. I felt like something out of a Treehouse of Horror episode. It had that edge that I so desired from The Simpsons. I'll be honest if The Simpsons made more episodes like this, I might actually consider watching it, but it's just so hard to tell. I have also began sniffing glasses of wine like some kind of Thompson and Thompson. Now if you excuse me dear readers, I've got some saving to do!

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Credited to Bruno Tattagllia

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