Into the Coco Pops Universe

Let me tell you a little something about me. My name is Uter The Cow. I insist on being addressed by my full title. My job is to turn regular boring cereals like Frosties and Rice Krispies into delicious cereal bars which can be eaten as a quick snack in the morning when you're running late for an incredibly important meeting at Montgomery Heights. Haven't we all been there? If you couldn't tell by my name; I am a cow and somehow don't ask me how cause I don't know by using a hose which is filled with milk from Greendale, I am able to turn cereal into cereal bars. How does that work exactly? Well to be honest with you, I really wish I had an answer to that question. Honestly, I truly do. Of course, I am a very intelligent cow though it certainly does run in the family. My father Bob used to work in Bruski's Scrapyard in 1951, and his job was crush to cars and other hazardous materials with his fat belly. This earned my father the nickname of Bob The Destroyer. Bob was so confident with his crushing abilities that people started making bets on him and other cows in the area. Once the head of the scrapyard; Mike Bruski learned that Bob was making bets without giving him a piece of the action, he fired him on the spot. This ended up biting Mike in the ass rather hard as without Bob no one bothered to visit him at his scrapyard. These days, Mike just sits in his office hoping for someone to come and look for a job, but he has no jobs to give. I guess you could say he's a proper scraper!

Now, I am a very civil cow, and I love all cereal well all except one. There is only one cereal in this world that can make my utter turn inside out like a horseshoe fly on steroids, and that would have to be Coco Pops. I cannot stand Coco Pops! This is because Coco Pops ruined my childhood. You see; as a child, I was regularly forced to chug down box after box of Coco Pops by my father and my uncle Ennio Pennio. Ennio Pennio isn't really my uncle, and is more of a really close family friend. He used to run a small numbers racket in Lost Heaven until he received a series of threatening calls from the LOL's. The LOL's are the super dumb and wacky secret police force of Lost Heaven who beat on anyone who isn't having a good laugh. They're led by George Sanders a rogue employee of Monster Incorporated. George was fired from Monster Inc after his hammer and watermelon trick failed miserably on him. While performing the trick for a young girl at her birthday party at the old dance hall in Oyster Bay, George ended up dropping the hammer on his foot destroying the girl's birthday cake in the process as George had been balancing the cake on his foot for some bizarre reason. This caused the young girl's local 7/11 owner to jump onto the stage, and to start attacking George. George was then put on trial, and he managed to escape justice by making a permeant home in the human world. He went to Lost Heaven where he founded the LOL's, and once that's all set it's cash in the bag.

Bob and Ennio were old friends with Ennio betting on Bob regularly when he still worked at Bruski's. Ennio managed to convince my father that I should eat Coco Pops for every breakfast, lunch, dinner, and tea. Ennio believed that by eating Coco Pops by the dozen, I would be able to gain the strength to build a house made entirely from solid gold. My father seemed to be in on the scheme as he felt no shame in forcing me to eat box after box of Coco Pops. They were so fricking nasty, and they tasted like hairy assholes. Sometimes, Ennio and my father would heat the Coco Pops up in the microwave so's I can have double the flavour according to Ennio. Whenever, me and the fam go out to a fancy restaurant for tea and scones; I am forced to eat nothing but Coco Pops. Well what if the restaurant don't have Coco Pops for sale? Well don't worry about that my friends; for Ennio's got that covered. He always keeps a mini box of Coco Pops stuffed in his hat, and he makes me eat the entire box. In a week, I made myself through about 550 boxes sometimes 556 depending on which the way the clouds in Baltimore are facing. My Aunt Gird Turd lives in Baltimore. She is addicted to snorting Cheerio's through a straw while farting violently into her chair which is torn all to heck because her cat is in a gang of thugs. We don't accommodate thugs in this story so we'll quickly Nimble it and move on.

I have had so many bad experiences in the past involving Coco Pops. However, none of them are as interesting as the time I once got conned into joining a timeshare scheme which was all about Coco Pops. That may not sound like much, but oh wait till you hear the delicious details. Here we go! Now, the person who conned me out of hard earned millions was a man named Tyme Share. Mr Share's past is shrouded in mystery. I heard he came from Birkland, but others say he's from Sweden. That's where the sea goes at half past three when you're pining for fish and chips. Oh I'd kill for some fish and chips right about now! Regardless of my cravings, Mr Share was able to trick me into signing up for a timeshare as he claimed it was like a holiday before my holiday. "Well that's a funny way to say electric magnetic pulse sensor." I joked while signing up to the timeshare. While signing up, I should probably mention that Mr Share was pulling an incredibly evil face, but nah I'm sure it means nothing or does it? Dun, dun, penguin! After signing the contract, Mr Share pulled a bottle of Elgrin's private select wine from his fedora, and poured me a glass. The glass was so huge it reached the sky, and I drank the wine down in one sip and passed out immediately. Elgrin's wine is known to have that affect on many cows such as myself so I wasn't too bothered about it.

Upon waking up, I found myself tied up in an old rundown basement in Kingston. Someone's got a car waiting there. Could it be Mr Barbaro? There were a few other people in the basement besides me including respected Salieri Family soldato Paulie (he requested for his last name to not be used so he could land a movie contract with Rosenberg Pictures), Gabriel Mountain, and a tuba named Tuba. Real original. "What the toast is going on here?" I asked Paulie who responded with, "how the hell should I know!? I was out in Frisco buying cigars when I ran into a timeshare prick and the next thing I know I'm trapped here." Before Paulie and I could converse further, Mr Share then appeared in the doorway of the basement carrying a lamp, and walking behind him was the man who had ordered our kidnapping. To my surprise, it was none other than Richard Bagg himself.

This story took place long before Richard drank the smelly milkshake which ruined his chances of going to Northwestern Medical School. He was still an ambitious young pre-medical student during this time. Richard came into the room, and sat down on an old wooden chair which lay at the very front of the basement. "I apologize for the crude means in which you four were brought here, but I had no other way." Richard said as he placed a cigarette into his mouth. Richard Bagg was a completely different man back then. He knew all about complex medical equations, and he began asking us about the human anatomy. "Dorsal appendage?" Richard asked Gabriel Mountain while pointing at a model skeleton. "Wherever the wind blows I'll be right here waiting for you Mr Bagg." Gabriel answered. "Wrong answer!" Richard bellowed at the very top of his lungs as he then ordered for Mr Tyme to bring in the bowl. It's also worth noting that during this encounter, Richard Bagg was wearing cult like clothes as were his two bodyguards. Two seconds later, Tyme came into the room pushing a large and heavy cereal bowl. The bowl was so fucking huge and it was the size of a swimming pool. As if that wasn't bad enough, Richard's two bodyguards then proceeded to bring two massive boxes of Coco Pop which no joke were honestly the size of the Empire State building. Richard meanwhile made a stepladder appear magically, and handed it over to the two bodyguards. Using the stepladder, the two bodyguards became level with the cereal bowl, and started pouring the Coco Pops into it. "What?" Paulie asked dumfounded while Tuba simply remarked, "is this a trowel?"

Tuba then proceeded to break free from his chair by blowing a note into himself which was so loud it caused the cereal bowl to start shaking at an alarming rate. It was so loud in fact that it caused Tyme to run out of the room in fear never to be seen again. Well that's a lie because I actually saw him conning Australian Woman 390 who was on holiday in the Bahamas with her husband whose a fucking rabbit cannibal hybrid thing from outer space. Read the papers it happened. Tuba's attempt to kill Richard resulted in him getting thrown into the massive cereal bowl. Before I could even react, I was pulled out from my chair by two newer cultists who were part of the same sick cult as Richard Bagg and his two bodyguards. The cultists got ready to throw me, Gabriel, and Paulie into the cereal bowl with Tuba when I asked, "why are you doing this Richard?" "Hmm... well let me spin a yarn." Richard said as he began telling us a really boring story. To save time, I will give you a brief summary of what Richard told us.

Basically, Richard was part of a cult known as the Coco Iota Kappa (CIP), which dedicates their entire time to eating Coco Pops and nothing but. They cannot stand it when someone dares to hate their precious cereal, and if someone ever does dare to hate Coco Pops, they are thrown into the almighty cereal bar by Richard's fellow cultists. The cereal bow? It was created in 1986 by the emperor of Egypt Part II. Yes, back in the 1980's, Egypt had a sequel.

Egypt Part II wasn't a very good place to live as they had stone fish which could walk on legs and carry fire arms, and they also allowed for chainsaw wielding mad man to run rampant through the pyramids. The emperor through contacts in West Berlin had managed to get his hands on some premium Coco Pops. In fact, the emperor was the very first person in the entire universe to ever try Coco Pops. He loved the taste so much that he demanded that Kellogg's deliver him 50 boxes each and every week. He could make his way through 5 boxes in just two seconds. This meant that the emperor eventually increased the box tally from 50 boxes to 9456 boxes. Even then it barely lasted him the full week. The emperor created the cereal bowl as he wanted to have a bowl which could house twice the regular amount of Coco Pops that a normal bowl can. The emperor poured his entire supply of Coco Pops into the bowl, and then he along with his homie who was a fricking monkey leaped into the bowl resulting in them both drowning instantly in the chocolatey thing. The emperor's death sent shockwaves through Egypt Part II, and the entire place was eventually turned into a concrete parking lot due to the emperor requesting it in his will should he ever pass away. Oddly, the police as well as the Federal Bureau of Investigation were never able to find the bodies of either the emperor or his monkey chum. The entire bowl was emptied out into the sink, but there was still no sign of the dead emperor. So where prey tell was the dead emperor? Of course, Kellogg's were brought to court for murdering the emperor, but they were quickly able to settle the matter outside of court by donating a small fine to the Pizza Mafia from Birkland. Those Pizza Mafia dudes and dudettes are bad news I tell you what!

We tried our best to argue ethical reasons for why this wasn't a very good thing to do, but Richard would not listen. Instead, he ordered for us to be thrown into the cereal bowl. I should probably mention that I can't swim so the second my body those damn waves of milk I immediately started sinking towards the bottom. The milk had turned chocolatey due to the sheer number of Coco Pops that had been placed into it. Using the step ladder from earlier, Richard sat on the very edge of the bowl and starred stirring the milk around with a giant spoon. The stirring from Richard's spoon caused a massive whirlpool to appear beneath me and my friends as we were sucked towards the very centre of the cereal bowl. "Have a nice trip bring me back something French!" Richard joked. That was the last thing I heard as my friends and I were dragged below the surface by the chocolate milk flavoured waves. Even though we have only known each other for like five minutes, I consider Paulie, Gabriel Mountain, and Tuba to truly be my best friends in the whole entire universe. When I first met Gabriel Mountain and greeted him with a friendly air hug he responded with, "fuck you." He is such a good friend. I just that Tuba was doing okay.

I thought I was going to die when I found myself falling through a wormhole of sorts, and when I eventually stopped falling I found myself standing on the streets of Kingston, Empire Bay just outside the old abandoned warehouse which Tyme had taken us to earlier. I turned around to face Gabriel Mountain and Paulie who were busy brushing themselves off with conveniently placed hairbrushes. "What the heck is going on now?" Paulie asked. That's when I turned my attention towards the sky. Never in my life I had ever seen anything quite as beautiful as this. The whole sky was chocolate and there was Coco Pops Moons & Stars in the sky. Everything I saw was had something to do with Coco Pops. The lamp posts were made from Coco Pops, the mail vans were all Coco Pop delivery trucks, each and every factory I saw was a Coco Pops themed one, and the Culver Dam was made from chocolate milk. We had just stepped foot into some kind of Coco Pop Universe. Before I had time to marvel the sights further, Paulie took notice of a milk van appearing on the scene with a milkman of course getting out from the driver's seat. The milkman took off his cap as it started to rain pour chocolate milk from the sky. The milkman upon noticing me and my friends; he started dancing towards us as the song I've Got The Power began to play on a nearby stereo. "Hey knock that shit off!" Gabriel yelled angrily as he grabbed the stereo, and threw into the Culver Dam angering the milkman in the process.

Suddenly as if by magic, the milkman suddenly morphed into an entire army of milkmen. "Beware! It's the Milkman Mafia!" A nearby preacher had yelled to me while pushing a go kart full of carrots down a rocky slope. Slippery slope this certainly isn't! The Milkmen Mafia were dancing towards us, and I had no doubt in my mind that these so called men of the cloth intended to do great damage onto me and my friends. Thinking quickly, Paulie pulled out a 1911 Colt and started shooting. He managed to kill at least 15 of the bastards until his gun eventually ran out of bullets. "Crap! We got to get out of here!" Paulie cried as he threw his gun to the ground. "What about Tuba?" I asked Paulie as he and Gabriel Mountain began to make a break for it down the streets. "Fuck Tuba! Now come on whatever the fuck your name is; are you coming or not?" Paulie asked, but before I could give him his answer he and Gabriel had already completely disappeared down the busy streets. I turned around to see the Milkman Mafia were right on my arse. Not wanting to be killed by the rad dancing moves of the Milkman Mafia, I decided to bite the bullet and gave chase to Paulie and Gabriel hoping to eventually catch up with them. The pair had made their way to the Hill of Tara the best and only pub in all of Kingston. Upon walking through the front door, I quickly came to the realisation that every bar and restaurant now has to serve Coco Pops for every breakfast, dinner, and tea. That's just sick!

I found Gabriel and Paulie just chilling drinking chocolate milk in a booth on the far side of the pub. They were drinking with someone who was wearing a large disgusting and downright smelly trench coat. "Tuba?" I asked as I made my way towards the trench coat wearing smelly thing. "I am no Tuba." The figure responded as he then proceeded to remove his trench coat in order to reveal himself. "I am Patrick Not Star." Yes, indeed it was Patrick Not Star who although he may look like Patrick Star from the back, he was completely different once you saw the face of Not Star. For one thing, he actually had a nose unlike Patrick. He had a nose like a Turkish garden hose, he had a beard and a goatee, large thick eyebrows that were thicker than the feathers of the most sinister eagle, and his eyes were 1% blacker than Patrick's eyes. Quite the big difference I know! "Oh b... look buddy we need help. Our good friend has been kidnapped. Can you tell us where we are?" "Well you're in the Coco Pop Universe of course!" Patrick Not Star proclaimed happily. "The Coco Pop Universe?" Paulie questioned to which Patrick Not Star responded with, "several years ago in New York, an NYPD informer met a bishop in a bar. The bishop told him about King Bishop Cheese. That same NYPD informant went home and ate hoola hoops and then..." "This is getting us nowhere." Gabriel said bluntly as we heard the doors to the bar creak open as the held back reserve of the Milkman Mafia came dancing in. The bartender grabbed a sub machine gun, and started raining bullets into the Milkmen Mafia as myself and the other bar patrons including my friends made our way out onto the busy Kingston streets. "Okay so where now hmm?" I asked Patrick Not Star who responded with, "there's only one person who can help us out now." "And that is?" Paulie asked before getting rudely cut off by Patrick Not Star who proclaimed rather happily for someone of his calibre, "why our esteemed leader the Coco Pops Monkey of course!"

The Coco Pops Monkey or Coco for short is the titular mascot for the Coco Pops cereal. Monkey has been the brand's mascot ever since it's inception. Though for a brief point in time, the brand was advertised by an elephant named Walter Montgomery. Whatever happened to Walter Montgomery? Well let's just say Coco and his boys took him out for a walk in New Hampshire, and he never came back. Catch my drift son? Learning that Coco could help us out, I asked, "well where is he?" Patrick Not Star stuck a straw up his nose as he said, "follow me my little bucko." "Bucko? Why I oughta!" I said as I got ready to punch Patrick's lights out, but I was prevented by Paulie who pointed towards the other side of the street which is where one of the many Coco Pop factories lay. In the parking lot of the factory, we could see Monkey chatting with his homies. These included a hippo named Bartholomew Cheese, a giraffe named Giraffe, and an ostrich named Spanner Tanner. At the factory, Coco and his homies were trying to add as much fiber to Coco Pops as they possibly can. Upon noticing me and my friends eyeballing them from across the street, Coco ordered Bartholomew and Giraffe to bring him our heads. We allowed ourselves to be captured by Bartholomew and Giraffe, and we were brought onto the factory's parking lot as we came to face with Coco. Coco sneered at us as he asked, "what are you doing in my home?" We then explained our story over to Coco, and asked if he'd be willingly to help save Tuba. Coco then explained that he would be more than willingly to help us out if and only if we were able to beat him in a race involving go karts and a whole lot of salmon eggs.

To say that the race was an epic failure would be the understatement of the century. First of all, Bartholomew was forced to accompany me in my go kart due to a contract or some shit. During the race, Bartholomew acting on Coco's orders would blast the song You Spin Me Right Round into my ear for the entire time the race lasted. By the time, the race came to an end my cow ears were bleeding like a moose. My friends didn't fare much better as Spanner threw a spanner into the exhaust pipe of Paulie's go kart causing it to explode right in the middle of the Coco Pops Ape Crisis Centre. Monkey had not ordered Spanner to do this, but Spanner did it anyway because he's quite the bastard of an ostrich that Spanner Tanner certainly is! After the race came to an end near the crossroads in Empire Bay, I was relegated to the fact that we may never see Tuba ever again. Also, for some reason Patrick Not Star and Gabriel Mountain were not required to race probably due to them bribing the director. Now why didn't Paulie and I think of that ay? Thankfully, Coco after obviously coming first in the race. I mean seriously that bastard monkey is so disgustingly smug that during the race he gave me a big ole thumbs up. The utter bastard! Coco then declared that he would help us find Tuba anyway as he loved the way we played to the rhythm of our own drum. Hmm.

Upon returning back to the Coco Pop Factory, Coco was dismayed to see a large gang of hyenas running away from it. "Who are they?" I questioned Coco who responded with, "those pricks work for my arch nemesis Croc." According to Coco, Croc runs a rival cereal company which produces a cheap knock off of Coco Pops known as Coco Crocs. Coco Crocs are 100% sugar and 1% fiber which means all your teeth fall out after taking just one bite of the shit. Croc and his company had faced a lot of heat in the past because of this especially when a journalist went undercover into Coco Crocs HQ, however Croc had contacts inside the New York Times which resulted in the journalist getting skinned in the middle of the park by Croc's hyena henchmen before he was able to publish a story which would destroy the reputation of Coco Crocs for good. Some story some Ned am I right? Ha ha! Coco didn't really seem to mind that the hyenas had just robbed him blind, however he suddenly lost his shit once he realised that they had stolen some of the brand new limited edition Coco Pop Porridge which had been safely tucked away inside the underground ice caverns which lay underneath the Coco Pop factory, and was home to a bunch of cave peanuts who ae racist towards Larry The Cucumber because he messed up their chances of working at the Chum Bucket back in 07. That's sadly a story for another day. Stay another stay another day. Sorry that one doesn't work on me. Stay another day ha ha ha ha......shit. Coco quickly somehow deduced that Croc's chief lieutenant and former Coco Pop employee Big Mus was behind the Great Porridge robbery. "Well are we going or not?" Paulie asked as he began making his way towards the local subway station, but Coco yelled, "wait a fucking minute little punk ass Joe Pesci looking tree trunk! We need to see if Croc and his boys have done anything else fucked up to my factory first!" Why I oughta punch that monkey prick squarely in the nose. Also, Coco's sudden outburst was so scary it caused Paulie to pass out on Bartholomew's Phil Collin CD's. I sense some romantic tension going on there as Bartholomew blushed a Mars Bar when he saw Paulie fall upon his Phil Collin CD's. Don't go breaking his heart Paulie! Coco then pointed at me as he said in a cold dark voice, "you.... you're coming with me."

Coco and I did a brief run around the Coco Pop factory, but to my knowledge anyway nothing seemed to be out of the ordinary. "Something just doesn't seem right." Coco said to me as I rolled my eyes about five or six times. The number of times changes depending on who you ask. In any case, Coco ended up losing his shit once again when he noticed that Croc had sabotaged the moons and stars room by putting a spanner inside the machine which added all the fibre to the cereal. Coco was pretty useless at finding the cause of the problem until the problem was told to him by Spanner Tanner. "OH THERE'S A SPANNER IN THE WORKS!" Spanner yelled at the very top of his lungs catching Coco so off guard that he ended up falling face first onto the machine. The sheer force from Coco's fall caused the machine to shoot the spanner out from the stove restoring it to it's former glory. After recovering the machine, Coco said, "first we got head to Vincenzo. He got all the weapons we're gonna need to take on Croc and his army. He runs a CEX store over on Palisades." "You do the driving." Bartholomew said to me to which I responded by shooting some milk out of my utters right into Bartholomew's face even though he was dangerously lactose intolerant. This meant that as even as a wee little hippo living in the hills of Bungalow, Bartholomew has always eaten his cereal without milk but he does have wax in it sometimes. Only sometimes though. I have my reasons for doing that to him however as he voted for Rabe Maniels. Trust me I read his file.

Arriving at CEX, Coco and Paulie took care of purchasing the guns from Vincenzo. I went with them to serve as protection. I know about protection. Do you? Now, Vincenzo sells the guns in broad daylight by stuffing them inside an old mouldy Xmas themed Tesco bag from 2010 which has Ant & Dec on it. It's so fucking smelly that it caused Paulie's head to go back on itself. While Paulie got to work on readjusting his head, Coco decided to ask Vincenzo to get me a Pip Squeak Patty for the ride to Croc's Factory. "I think this would do the trick." Vincenzo said as he took 95 hours to get up from his chair, and reach under his desk. Vincenzo then went into the backroom of the store, and came back holding a pipsqueak patty. I took the pipsqueak patty from Vincenzo without even paying him for it. "Bring that back tomorrow it belongs to my homie Eugene." Vincenzo said as he started reading from a newspaper which stank of noodles. Not very good ones either. Also, Vincenzo had a lot of Mafia related items in the store including a balloon tommy gun, a Turkish garden hose, and several sunflowers lay upon the window display. It was at that time I realised that Vincenzo was an associate of the Salieri Crime Family. Not really sure how I was able to reach that conclusion, but aren't you glad I did? Upon leaving CEX, Coco and I narrowly managed to avoid another run in with the Milkman Mafia. However, once Coco accidentally let it slip that Patrick Not Star and Giraffe had been left to guard the Coco Pop factory in our absence, they quickly became preoccupied and began dancing towards the factory. "Uh... should we help them?" I asked curiously to which Coco responded with, "get in the car buster!"

Croc owned a large smelly factory over on the rural countryside of Empire Bay. The countryside of Empire Bay was large and expansive and goes all the way to Lost Heaven or at least that's what the papers claim anyhow. I then proceeded to ask Coco about Big Mus. Basically, Big Mus was a former employee of Coco Pops who had attended the Milkshake Academy with Coco back in 75 or thereabouts. Mus hated the falseness of how Kellogg's operated, and he tried his best to get Coco to realise that too, but Coco failed to listen. So out of spite, Mus joined up with Croc and has been a major thorn in Coco as well as the entire Coco Pop brand in general's side ever since. Arriving at Croc's hangout, Coco (using a jetpack) flew across the area throwing spanners into the six chimneys. The factory had six chimneys due to the fact that Croc believed that there was more than one Santa Clause. Is he correct in thinking so? "Oh there's a spanner in the works!" Spanner proclaimed while gutting one of the hyenas which of course caught the attention of Croc and Big Mus. "I'll get you Monkey!" Croc proclaimed evilly as he started shooting at Coco with a double barrel shotgun, however Coco was able to avoid the blasts and Croc basically ended up destroying his own factory. And with that. the factory ended up exploding into a million tiny bite size pieces, and the entire area became a mess of chocolate and shit as Croc had forgotten to flush the toilet before leaving work that morning. "Fuck this I'm out of here!" Croc proclaimed as he pulled out a fricking mine cart from his mouth, and demanded that Mus get in the cart with him. "He's getting away!" Gabriel Mountain cried, but Coco after reaching inside his baseball cap revealed himself to conveniently also be carrying a mine cart. Ooh that's a lot of convivence! Can we have some inconvenience please? Ha ha!

Coco and I got into the mine cart and gave chase to Croc and Mus, while the rest of our gang dealt with the hyenas and some of the Milkman Mafia who were there on holiday or some shit. I don't know, why are you asking me for huh? I am a cow after all. Oh, and that whole thing with Coco putting the spanners in the six chimneys was just for a laugh. As in reality, Coco had no plan, but he knew that Croc couldn't think straight when he was mad. Coco used that information to his advantage in order to essentially trick Croc into destroying his own factory. The sick bastard! So I ask you; whose the real villain of this story; Coco or Croc? More like Croc am I right? LOL! XD! We chased Croc and Mus throughout the Coco Pop universe where we saw some pretty smelly sights. These sights included two cavemen named Tanker and Banker who love Coco Rocks. Some are soft some are crunchy. You know how it is. Anyways, Tanker and Banker were throwing Coco Rocks at each other, however things suddenly became incredibly sad when Tanker ended up throwing a huge Coco Rock right at Tanker's head. The Coco Rock ended up crushing Banker to death and the entire area became a mess of blood and guts. So sad. Also, we then saw some hippos just chilling in a hot tub listening to some classic 1980's music. However, in this scenario things soon got DISGUSTING as the hippos ended up shitting themselves which caused the colour of the water in the hot tub to become brown like the town. So disgusting! It would appear that Croc isn't very good at driving as he ended up crashing the mine cart on top of an old hill somewhere in rural Birkland. I shan't give the exact location out of fear of possibly being sued by Disney. Just know that the hill is just East of Hushaby Mountain. Furious beyond belief, Croc after getting out from the mine cart grabbed Mus and proceeded to throw him off the side of the hill seemingly to his death.

Croc always one for a good bargain attempted to bargain with Coco and I. "Come on Coco think of all the good times. Besides, it wasn't my fault anyways." Croc explained as Coco got ready to bash his brains with a spanner. Oh there's a spanner in the works! Sorry about that, anyways, Coco then asked, "what are you talking about Croc?" "It was that bastard Big Mus. Him and his friends; the hyenas and those weird dancing milkmen they are the true enemy not me!" "You really mean that?" I asked like some kind of Maurice to which Croc laughed at heavily before proclaiming, "beans and cornbread!" Croc then proceeded to throw a mouldily piece of toast right at Coco's baseball cap causing him to pass out. While I was distracted, Croc pulled out the shotgun from earlier and proceeded to hold me at gunpoint. "Good help is so hard to find these days isn't it my little son of wood?" Croc asked in a mocking tone to which I responded with, "so what's your evil plan then really?" "Simple!" Croc proclaimed as he then continued with, "once I'm done with you two pricks; Mus and I will storm every last Coco Pop Factory in existence." "And then?" I asked. "After that business is dealt with, there will be an election, and I will become the supreme ruler of the Coco Pop Universe. Furthermore, Mus and his friends will no longer be of any use to me so I will have them thrown in the blender. It's just a fucking question of whether I'm going to be nice enough to fucking kill them first ya know?" Croc explained. However, Croc took so long explaining his evil plan that he failed to realise that I had taken advantage of his monologing to throw him off the cliff. Croc managed to survive the fall, and was now standing face to face with his henchmen who were not very pleased to hear about their boss planning to sell them down their river.

Now at first, Croc tried to act unknowingly by saying, "ah my friends let's go to the Springfield Gorge. I know a witch doctor down there who can tell us what to do." Croc was then grabbed by two members of the Milkman Mafia as Mus said evilly, "friends? I thought he said we was the enemies." Also, yes, Big Mus is from New Jersey, and that's why Kellogg's hated him so. Yeah but can you blame them? "Well he never actually said that." I added but got cut off by Bartholomew placing clasping my lips. Before Croc could make a break for it. he was pinned to the ground by the Milkman Mafia who proceeded to drag him off into the snowy alps. The hyenas and Mus followed behind them cackling evilly as they did so. Croc screamed and screamed and screamed some more as he was dragged away to an unknown fate. No one is quite sure about what happened to Croc that day. The only thing we know for sure is that Croc was given a lesson he will never ever forget. In that swell!? With Croc disposed of, my friends and I were taken to the city hall where we were rewarded with medals by Coco and his team. "With Croc dead, our universe is safe once and for all." Bartholomew said as he began wiping away the tears with an old rotten handkerchief.

However, that's when Paulie of all people asked the most important question. "So uh about Tuba?" "Oh shit! I completely forgot about the little spud!" I cried at the top of my lungs. We had gotten so into our battle against Croc that we completely forgot about looking for Tuba. "Don't you dare call me little spud!" Tuba yelled angrily as he appeared from the shadows behind me. Upon seeing Tuba, Paulie asked with a sly expression, "where you been helping out the Pope in Rome?" "I was just standing over there by that lamp post waiting for you to notice me." Tuba explained. It was indeed true, Tuba was just standing next to us when we first arrived in the Coco Pop Universe. He hadn't bothered telling us he was there due to him wanting us to kill Croc. Confused, I then turned to face Coco who responded with, "oh don't you see Uter you had the power to get back home all along. Real power comes from within. Does that make sense?" "Not at all." I said rather nonchalantly as the world around me suddenly starting spinning at a violent rate. You spin me right round baby! Eventually, the spinning came to a hault as I found myself tucked up in bed inside my apartment. Richard Bagg and Gabriel Mountain were both sitting on chairs across from my bed as was Paulie. Tuba meanwhile was sitting on the foot of my bed and kept winking at me. This made me feel very uncomfortable, but I decided not to make a mention of it out of fear Tuba sending the LOL's after me.

Upon realising that I had woken up, Richard got up from his chair and proceeded to explain what had happened. To make a long story short, Tyme Share had accidentally grabbed a dodgy bottle of wine, and this is what passed me to pass out. According to Richard, I had only been out for about six hours. So the entire Coco Pop inspired adventure had been nothing but a dream. Dream a little dream of Coco am I right? With help from the others, Richard had managed to get me back to my apartment. "When did I pass out?" I asked. "Dude you passed out the second I walked into the room again." Richard explained. It wasn't a cereal bowl that Richard brought into the room it was just a contract for a holiday villa in Spain, and the cultists were actually just members of Richard's fraternity (Delta Iota Kappa,) and were only dressed that way for Halloween. Also, Richard had no obsession with Coco Pops it was all just stories that Grandmother Edgar had leaked on a Reddit post in 2007 as she always hated Richard for his love of protein shakes. It was just sick in his eyes. What Richard really wanted was for me and my friends to sign up to a totally not a scam timeshare service. That's when I suddenly felt a rumbling in the tumbling. "So how you feeling kid? You gave us quite a nasty shock there ya did." Tuba said to which I responded with, "I'm fine Tuba really, as a matter of fact I'm actually really hungry." "What are you in the mood for?" Gabriel Mountain asked with a grin to which I responded with, "some Coco Pops please." Everyone was shocked at what I said, but after I got done telling them my story they all understood that the events that had occurred in my dream were enough to convince me to boycott my former hate of Coco Pops. The only problem is Richard and the others had head out to my local Tesco in order to buy a box. I didn't mind at all, and even offered to come along with them. "You sure?" Gabriel asked to which I responded with, "yes but let me take a quick shower first."

After using the shower, I dried myself off with a towel when I noticed that there was something not quite right about my mirror. There was someone in the mirror who I did not recognise. It certainly wasn't my reflection or a ghost or anything like that. As my staring of the mirror continued, I finally managed to put 2 and 2 together. It was Coco! He smiled at me and gave me a wink as he proclaimed, "that's the Coco Pops promise!" And with that, Coco then disappeared in a cloud of green smoke leaving me alone in my bathroom. Brushing the matter off, I grabbed my handgun and followed my newly made friends out the front door. It was time to head to Tesco for a delicious bowl of Coco Pops.

Everything worked out well in the end. I completely got over my hatred of Coco Pops, and I even applied for an internship at Kellogg's which failed miserably. Bastards. Also, I ditched my friends for a new group of friends who all look like present day Macaulay Culkin and they have super long hair which reaches the floor. "Stay away from them!" Paulie commanded, but I did not listen and I forced myself into the Culkin lookalikes friend group. Probably best I ditched Paulie as not long after this incident, he, Gabriel Mountain, and Tuba all robbed the Bikini Bottom Mint. That'll save some pennies right reader? I have to thank Tyme Share if he had not messed up my drink, I never would have found a new love in Coco Pops. Although, that does make me bring up the question. Was it all real? Did I really help out Coco and his friends, did I really see an crocodile ride in a mine cart, and did I really get a pipsqueak patty when what I really wanted was a piece of toast or maybe even a crust of bread. No crust of bread for those in need no cheeses for these mices! Sorry to have to end it in such an anti climatic way, but I until have some answers to those questions I'm afraid we're going to have to end it here. Goodbye for now readers. And just remember, there's a spanner in the works!

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Credited to Bruno Tattagllia

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