It's a bird that will kill you

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That's right. It's a bird. And it will kill you. Yeah, you—it will kill you. I'm only telling you now so you have a chance to say your last words and tell your loved ones that you love them, and your hated ones that you hate them, and your neutral ones that you have no strong feelings towards them. Please do this now before the bird that will kill you arrives. For now, I'll help you in any way I can, but the bird will kill you no matter what I do, so keep that in mind.

FAQ:

What does the bird look like?

The bird will be small (4.5 inches tall) and will be recognizable by its blue and white patterned crest and by its ability to kill you. Like most birds, the bird will have a distinct call. However, instead of singing to call for a mate, the bird instead will sing to allow any nearby you-s to know it is about to kill you. The song sounds like what killing you would sound like (in the key of F#), and will begin with a quiet "k-k-kill." Beware, as the song will be capable of making the ears of anyone who hears it bleed profusely, but only if the listener stabs their ears first, which they may be compelled to do, although this effect isn't always caused by the bird.

What's the bird's name?

The bird prefers to be called "Az", which is short for "Azure." This is a reference to the fact that the bird is, in part, blue: a demonstration of the bird's cleverness. I won't be calling the bird "Az" because I don't respect people's (or birds') identities. This is unlike the bird, which will always make an effort to name and gender you correctly, both before and after killing you, which it will do. However, its efforts will be in vain, as it cannot communicate in English or any other commonly spoken living language you are capable of understanding.

When will it kill me?

The bird will kill you at any point in time. You can probably expect to be killed sometime soon, but sometimes being killed can take a while.

How will it kill me?

The bird will kill you by erasing you and your life. Usually, this results in the cessation of function for all of your organs. You will be killed until dead, but you won't be killed after that as you will be immune to killing since you won't be alive.

Will it kill anyone else?

The bird will kill you, but it probably won't kill anyone else. Murder is a serious crime, and the bird has no hatred for people, so it is unlikely it would decide to kill anyone other than you.

Wait, so, does the bird not want to kill me?

The bird will kill you, but it probably does not want to, as you probably aren't worth killing. Even if you are a terrible person, the bird does not condone vigilantism. Additionally, is it not easy for the bird to kill, as it is a bird.

Hold on—why is the bird killing me?

The bird will kill you because it will. The bird will kill you, whether it wants to or not, because it will. Unfortunately, the bird will kill you, even if nobody wants it to.

Can I stop the bird from killing me?

No, the bird will kill you, and you will not be able to stop it from killing you. Hopefully you take the precious seconds you have left to let your life flash before your eyes because the bird is about to kill you.

TL;DR: The bird will kill you.



Credited to annoyingcatSM 

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