JackJack Anti-Skeleton Man the Killer

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You might be looking at the title and think, "This seems like this is going to be the dumbest thing ever." Well that's because it is. Enjoy!



JackJack Anti-Skeleton Man the Killer was once your average 42 year-old man with the worst name ever given to anyone since Lil' Sweetmeat or Twelve. His parents were very neglectful to him; he was 42, he had his own house and could take care of himself. He was a typical Mary Sue with no character development what-so-ever and his personality was totally bland and perfect. This is why no one liked him; Mary Sues are SOOOOOOOOO BORING!

But then the unthinkable happened; a bunch of over the top bullies that would be fit for a Cool Cat movie brandished freaking flamethrowers and god damn rocket propelled grenade launchers just so they could steal his lunch money (and mind you, Taco Bell is expensive). After that he was tied down to a random gurney by a random doctor (still in the middle of the street) and given unspecified "mental drugs" (whatever that's supposed to mean), but these drugs didn't help him with his... whatever the hell they were for. These mental drugs then turned out to be just paprika, so he continued his day as normal. Then Akuma from Street Fighter came and used Wrath of the Raging Demon on him, killing him instantly. However, he became skeleton, and tried to live out the rest of his normal life, because trollpasta cliché #90. But as skeleton, more Cool Cat bullies came in fucking tanks to steal his life savings (which he carried around with him at all times). But they used the machine guns on the tanks to kill him instantly yet agaon (pronounced AH-GOWN) because MARY SUES SUCK! But he used a plastic spoon to dig his way out of hell, so now he's back I guess? You still with me? Anyways, he then came across Slender Man (all pastas must have him people) who proceeded to come up close to his face and make a static noise. This definitely scary thing killed him yet again, but he was kicked out of heaven for not following its dress code (Weird Al is a prophet confirmed), so he is alive YET AGAIN. But what made him finally snap? He found a lucky penny, but it was from the year 2016. The rest of this was no big deal, but a penny from 2016? That is enough to make ANYBODY snap.

Anyways, because he snapped by all of what was said above, he obviously had to become a serial killer because that is DEFINTELY how all this crap works. But he couldn't just become a normal serial killer: if the deletion log refugees taught him anything, its that all serial killers need to alter their faces in unrealistic ways before they do that. So he thought of ways he could do this. But he ran out of creativity, so he just decided to do what the rest of these TOTALLY REAL AND NOT MADE UP serial killers did. So he decided to first do that thing that MY NAME IS JEFFFF the killer did and burn off his eyelids because, agaon (pronounced AH-GOWN), I DON'T KNOW. However, this backfired because he didn't realize that fire doesn't work like that, and burned of his left eye (MORAL: Don't play with fire). Also, this turned his skin the color of paper because that is TOTALLY how fire works, y'all. After he got over the excruciating pain, he decided to cover his eye with something. Did he choose an eye patch? A glass eye? No, he chose a FREAKING CLOCK. That makes sense, right? However, since most clocks are the size of an American dinner plate, he had a hard time jamming it into his eye socket. So he eventually settled for a smaller digital clock and duct-taped it around his eye. Now he looks like an even stupider version of Cyclops from the X-Men, but he was done with his obligatory make-himself-look-somewhat-scary montage, so he decided to start his kill spree that TOTALLY HAPPENED, PEOPLE.

He almost instantly got caught by the police the first time, because a 42-year old cannot take on bodybuilders, despite what the internet says. However, he mentioned to them that they were characters in a trollpasta. This caused them to cringe so hard that their faces imploded. And then JackJack Anti-Skeleton Man the Killer was free. He did more horrendous crimes against humanity, such as taking out an entire nightclub by switching the music to Justin Bieber, which caused everyone's faces to melt off like that scene from Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark; destroying a movie theater by switching the movie to Tentacolino, which is already probably the reincarnation of smallpox, but as soon as the rapping shark proclaimed himself as "...a great big Jesus that lives in the sea", this caused everyone to become so nervous that EVIL PATRIXXX decided to put them out of their misery (Tentacolino is the eleventh plague, after all. You know the story of Pandora's Box? It wasn't hope that was left in. It was rapping sharks); and the worst of the overly long descriptions of things that ultimately didn't matter (cause its not like anyone will read this far into this) was when he mentioned the existence of Blues Brothers 2000 in public. This was so heinous that it caused a portal to Hell itself to open, sucking anyone unfortunate enough to hear the mention of that wretched sequel into the infinite depths. Why didn't something this big and drastic appear on the news? The answer will send shivers down your spine... JK it's simply I DON'T KNOW yet agaon (pronounced AH-GOWN). So you may be thinking; GOD this was a waste of time. That's because it was.



Written by Hyper-Realistic Mayonaise
Content is available under CC BY-SA


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